Just the beginning

Aug 23, 2010

I met with the bariatric surgeon last week and have gotten the ball rolling for gastric bypass.  I am not 100% sure that I am going to have it or the banding yet.  Still doing research and soul searching.  I do know that I need to do one of them.  I cant get a handle on this weight loss problem of mine, despite my valiant efforts thus far.  So at my heaviest weight EVER, 360 pounds, I really have to do something.  I am afraid that if I do not, I will be setting myself up for a very short life.

The title can be a little misleading if you really think about it.  I cannot even remember when all this started.  I remember being a sick child and being underweight, then I remember being overweight.  I don't know how or when it really started.  I have a few thoughts as to why it happened.  But the more I think about it,  I find the word "EXCUSES" screaming out my name.  It is time to stop making excuses and actually take control.  In order to do that though, I feel like I need to re-visit the past and the past mistakes.  So here goes.

I feel that my sexual abuse led to the beginning of the emotional eating.  I had such a low self esteem.  I felt uncomfortable with any attention that I was getting from people.  The good attention freaked me out and made me think, that somehow these people would hurt me as well.  The bad attention, surprisingly felt better.  Sorta like the best of 2 evils.  I withdrew inside myself and kept people at a distance.  I remember coming home from school and just going to my room and shutting the doors.  I would listen to music and do my homework, but little else.  By junior high school I remember gorging down 5-6 snack cakes in a sitting.  By then the sexual abuse had ended, but the effects were simmering under the surface.  I remember skipping out on PE, because I felt ashamed of being out of breath/flushed and sweaty.  I felt like everyone's eyes were upon me.  I had very little of a social life.  In the 9-10th grade I had just a couple of friends and I was beginning to come out of my shell.  The summer after my 10th grade my mother decided to move us to another town, to start over.  Thus began me withdrawing back into my shell and away from everyone.  11th grade is the first diet that I remember being on.  It was one of them "eat this way for 3 days and then eat a sensible diet for 4 days" diet.  Don't remember what it was called, but I remember that I had beets and cottage cheese for a meal.  I lost a little weight, but I wasn't on the diet for long.  I graduated HS weighing 220.  (WOW, what I wouldn't give to be back that weight now).  I began to work FT and go to school FT.  With little free time I just ate whatever was quick and had little to none of exercise.  This time frame is where the weight just started packing on.  By the time I was in my early 20's I was nearing 300 pounds. 

I had a revelation one day, that I put myself last on so many occasions and that I was tired of it.  I think that by doing for others made me not have to think about me and what was happening.  I realized that I hated myself.  I also realized that until I healed from the past, I was never really going to get a control of my weight.  At 34 years old, I am still trying to heal from the past.  I have had several unsuccessful attempts of weight loss.  I get compulsive about eating and exercising, then I have my lows.  With each failed attempt my self esteem plummets and it takes longer and longer to get back in the swing of things. 

At most I lost 50-60 pounds the year my mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer.  I got obsessive about eating right and exercising.  After she died, I suffered from bouts of depression.  There were times I didn't eat for 36 hours.  Then I would binge on JUNK.  I kept the weight off for about a year and then it started to come back on.  Since then I have had multiple 3-4 months attempts at dieting and lost 20-30 pounds.  Only to regain it plus more  back.

I cannot seem to get a handle on it.  My insulin resistance may be a reason as well.  But I will admit that to lose 20 pounds and then it stops for a month or so despite my hard effort really upset me.  I just threw in the towel and quit.  Now I am bloated and at my heaviest.  I am not happy.  I feel that I will never be truly happy until I get this weight off.  I know that with or without weight loss surgery, I will still have to work hard and put in the effort.  I just think that the WLS would help me physically while I am fighting the emotional roller coaster through it all.

My main goal for wanting to get this weight off is to get to a healthy weight in order to have a baby.  I am 34 and I would love to be pregnant by 37.  Alone, I cannot get this weight off to achieve this. 

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About Me
PA
Location
39.3
BMI
RNY
Surgery
01/03/2011
Surgery Date
Aug 23, 2010
Member Since

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