gardeninggal
almost !
Aug 11, 2012
Well my how times does fly even though when I saw the surgeon and was told Sept. 4Th I was disappointed as I had hoped for an earlier date and it is now nearly my turn.I am happy, anxious, excited, and all the rest that goes with this decision. My mind wanders incessantly....is this right for me?....will I be successful?.....how will my body react to this way of eating and way of life?.... I am afraid of a bowel issue since I already have a irritable bowel and can I cope?.....can I be honest and truthful in my diet and use my no turning back RNY?.....?????? do I have the support that I need?.....
YES I DO and YES I CAN! I am so ready for this opportunity. I want out of this prison that my body holds on to so tightly, I want to be able to move freely and confidently again and enjoy all that a normal body size-ed person enjoys. I want to be a healthy weight and have a normal BMI again ( it has been a long time). p.s. too funny....spell check says BMW lol.
I have my OPTI sitting behind me as I type and am ready to get on with the dance so to speak. I have purchased a few items for my hospital stay and in some kind of weird way it feels almost like packing to go to the hospital to give birth...... but honestly it does feel like that. I guess I say that because I have been fortunate enough to not have had a hospital stay for anything too terrible (partial hysterectomy and gall bladder and the gall b was done laparoscopically sp).
This hospital stay is a deliberate decision as opposed to a diagnosis but then as I write these words this really is a diagnosis of f.........g FAT.....and not just any fat but morbidly obese fat......wow this part was not planned but is rather cathartic as I get to put it in words. Yes I am morbidly obese and on my way to heart disease, diabetes and all the rest as we too well know. I remember once kind of peeking at what my Dr has written as he had to leave for a minute during an appointment and I was described as obese. Ha well the rest of the story is that now I have been accorded the next description that being 'morbidly' obese. Who is the hell wants to be described in those terms and who really wants to shop in the xxx xxx sizes of anything that you have to wear and expect to feel pretty, sexy, fashionable and real?
I remember a conversation with a female physician with whom I had the highest regard. I approached her and asked about a diet drug called Orlistat which had just been approved. She promptly handed me the script and away I went thinking well at last I have some ammunition from my doctor. Orlistat was not so very wonderful let me say. It was supposed to 'gather the fat' in your intestinal tract and remove it through your bowel. And in fact it did just that...all you had to do is not ingest any fat in your diet and it would squeeze out any that you thought that was lingering. When you had a bowel movement the 'oil' gathered on the top of the water and you could see at a glance that it was working. GREAT: only thing, once it was in my system and I was not ingesting any fat at all in any food for several days of course, it continued to do the oil/water thing. The constant gas pain was absolutely unbelievable and the urge to get to the toilet bowl was like 1 1/2 seconds to get there. I literally passed some of that on my office chair about 1/2 hr before days end ( 4 p.m.) and was so horrified that I cleaned it up and hoped like hell that no one came to use that chair later. I went home in a great hurry and that was the end of Orlistat.
The next prescription med was Meridia. It was an appetite suppressor and boy did it work. I had been downsized from my job of 17 years and figured this was the right time to try this 'gift'. I had always walked for exercise, often before supper and sometimes after but regularly, and prided myself on a clean house, laundry, done, supper organized, etc. person. I had been a single mom for quite some time and organization and structure was the key to a smooth life. So now I am in a great relationship and not the sole breadwinner ( yeah), had been given the down sizer handshake and now what????
I had a in some ways a gift in that I had a wonderful separation package aka paid salary compensation for several months but what the hell was I supposed to do now? I had no idea on how I should conduct my day now and slowly bad habits had their way too many times. I did go back to work on a contract basis but it was not the same and I count my blessings that I had that opportunity as I was able to work for the same company but had a taste of other departments that I truly enjoyed. That slowly ended and I could pretty much say I am 'retired' now. My hubby is a retired secondary school teacher and looks forward to supply teaching ( thank gawd). I have moved on in many aspects of my life as a mom and wife and now as a grandma but still have yearnings to be independent and most importantly in charge of my physical self and not limited by my body size.
I have struggled with mood issues in the past and am so happy to say that I can see the stressors and indicators of a 'bad' and don't dwell on it. I strive to see the best and have always been a 'Pollyanna' kind of person/ cup if half full not half empty.
This has been a ramble for sure. I see the surgeon on Monday a.m. at St. Joe's in Toronto (yee gawd an early start on the highway of hell ....the 400) and start the opti on Tues. the 14Th for 21 days.
I am ALMOST there!
regards,
Nancy
