Gina F.
Long time no posting or blogging!
Feb 03, 2009
I feel bad I have not been on OH posting or blogging. I have had so much support here. I want to pay it forward, but I also found myself consumed with the website. I was neglecting my business and other responsibilities because I was always on OH! lol! I have to find some balance but I also miss everyone here!
Well, things are going better. I have had more good days than bad lately and I think I have gotten the dizziness thing mostly under control. I have upped my vit. D dose, started drinking one zip fizz per day (that really seemed to help when I started drinking that), and trying to increase my over all fluids. When I keep up with all of this, I feel pretty good.
I am struggling with regular exercise. I love it when I go to the gym, but then I am always so sore and worn out that night, the next day, and sometimes for days after that... I have a training appointment tomorrow to learn more about doing wts. Hopefully I can build up some muscle and not be so susceptible to flair ups in my back. I have always believed that building up strong trunk muscles would help my back. But, it has been an uphill battle to balance the pain with the exercise. One I usually give up on...
I weighed myself this morning and I was down to 162lb! This means I am only 12 pounds from goal! I am very happy with this surgery, and I am so happy that I had the opportunity to have it. I am so grateful to my Dr. for going to "bat" for me and helping me get approved with Kaiser. He will never know how thankful I really am. As far as my wt. goes I am working towards the 150lb goal, but plan on letting my body go as low as 140lb. I know I will hear that I am too skinny, but I have read a lot about the "bounce back" people have a year or two after surgery. It is usually around 10lb. So, I would prefer to stay ahead of the game.
Speaking of games... Mind games are weird after surgery. I really still can't believe that I wear a size medium in shirts and a size 10 in pants. It is so bizarre that until I go shopping and try on new items in those sizes I can't really believe it! I even have some items already in those sizes, but when I look in the mirror or when I am just walking around doing my thing I do not feel that small! I still feel the same a lot of the times, and I surprise myself sometimes when I do look in the mirror (with or with out clothes). I wonder what the heck happened to the rest of me? It is surreal...
I think I am going through a little mid-life crisis. I am going to be 38 years old 2-25! I can't believe it! And to top it all off, I feel like I have missed out on a lot in life due to my wt. problem. I am finding myself wanting to buy younger looking clothes and do things that I never thought I would ever want to. Like I want to get a tattoo! My husband thinks I am crazy, my mom will be pissed, and my daughter is not happy about it either... I have decided that I want to get a tattoo as a symbol of my wt. loss and to remind myself that never again will I not be able to simply look down and see my feet (with out leaning forward). I do not know what it will be, if I can find something with symbolism then it will make for a better reason to get one. But, part of me just wants to get something pretty and do something that I never would have done before! A lot of people may read this and think I am crazy to think that getting a tattoo is something all that crazy... But, we are Mormon and that is not something we are supposed to do. Also, I am a mother and a grown woman, so a lot of people will think I am crazy to do this at my age.
The loosing wt. is an emotional roller coaster. When I stall (I have slowed down now for sure now) I freak out and think ...is this all I am going to loose? But, if I look back, it has not been hard, and I have not had to work very hard at it. I mean I have followed the food plan and everything. I do not "cheat" at all. If I eat anything that would be considered indulgent (like once I ate one slice of pizza. I had to eat 1/2 and then the other 1/2 later) I feel really guilty. So, then I try to balance it out by eating extra careful the next day etc... I am very lucky in that I dump on sugar, and large amounts of fat make me feel tired as well. I am not really tempted by desserts, carbs, etc...because for one I do not feel good afterwards, and two I am so happy about my wt. loss I do not want to blow it. I am also very lucky that I can eat some alcohol sugars, so I am not feeling 100% denied. I still like chocolate and crave it even more around my period. I buy sugar free Dove dark chocolate and eat one or two pieces of that. I feel very satisfied. I guess you could say it gives me my chocolate "fix" when I need it. It does have more fat in it, but I would never eat very much of it, and fat seems like the least of my problems now and in the past. Carbs and sugar were my biggest enemies, so those are the things I am super careful about!
Anyways, I know it has been a long time since I have written, so I thought I would give a good update and write down some feelings that I have been having. I get a little discouraged with myself and still struggle with depression at times. I think it is just a chemical thing for me, as it has always been. But, I also feel frustrated with myself that this great tool, this great wt. loss, has not lead me to being the person I want to be yet! I really think that pre-op I thought WLS would make everything better in my life. The fact is; it does make some things better, but it is up to me to work hard on those things it can't change. I want to be the energetic, happy person, with the stamina that I imagined I would have by now. It is getting better, and I do believe I will continue to get better, but I sometimes get bummed out. I need to think more positively and see how far I have come, and not how far I have to go.
Overall things are good, I am again, very happy to have lost all this weight, to finally have the opportunity to be a "small" person instead of being the "big girl". That is awesome! And especially to know I am getting healthier every day!
I will try to write again soon!
