Thankful for the woman I have become... memories from long ago.

Mar 12, 2009

Geeezzz Mike thanks now I'm in tears now too!  You and your wife were drawn together because together you make a pair that need eachother, want eachother and will conquer together.  Your future is in the mist of change.  Many amazing things happen when you open a single window just ever so slightly and a draft can flow in.  Your future will be remarkable!  I now feel compelled to also share a bit of me! 

About 20 years ago, I was a heavy teen and decided I needed to get thin for what I call my husband finding years.  I was about 18-19 years old and went on Weight Watchers.  I was a complete success by the time I was 21 I was SKINNY I mean a size 5 standing at 5"7 and get this, was hired as a spokes person for Weight Watchers International.  I traveled all over the US did many, many tv shows, magazines, and radio until the one dreadful night.  

I took a shower like usual but this time after losing a hundred and some lbs, I decided to look at myself in the mirror, naked.  Something snapped in my head.  I looked at my body, my face, myself and PURE PANIC set in.  I had no idea WHO was in the mirror, it sure wasn't me! 

The next 6 mo's of my life really is a wash.  I remember wanting to die, I remembering being afraid I would die.  I remember thinking I was crazy and needed to be locked somewhere safe so I wouldn't hurt myself.  I just felt PURE DISCONNECT FROM MY OWN BODY, my head belonged to me but my body just didn't connect to me. 

One day, I finally got myself to a therapists office at like 6:30 in the morning in Manhattan.  She handed me a book and said to me, "You are living your life fearing fear.  Everything you are experiencing that is giving you pain is in your control."  Oh how I wish I could tell you the name of the book but it doesn't really matter, the book was a lay term book giving a full understanding of panic disorder and disassociative disorder. 

I was able to take myself over to the steps of the famous 42nd street Library stairs and there I sat at 8 am with my book in hand.  I sat down and opened the book.  I said out loud, "I will not move from this place until I can leave with confidence that I can live my life without the fear of being crazy or the pain of this disorder."  I sat on those steps for almost 14 hours. 

I read all about how I was fearing something in thought and then how I allowed that fear to compound itself.  I read how not to my own fault, I had used so many defense mechanisms by protecting myself from the people who brought me such great sadness in my life that when I needed to call upon them to deal with something in my life they weren't there and that was the reason that I tripped and fell when someone else might have only stuttered.  It all made sense.  I remember the book explaining that fear without defense mechanisms was like the broccoli without the florets that the fear had no padding and penetrated by bouncing off the hard surfaces of the brain.  I now had something to grasp onto the hope that I needed the fact that I understood that I could baby myself, keep overstimulation out of my world temporarily enough to build defense mechanisms back to grow some florets and branches.

It was almost midnight and literally, triumphantly, I raised my young self from those steps with a plan to not drink any alcohol, coffee or eat any chocolate (all things that add to panic disorder, said the book) I promised myself to live quietly for a little while but to deeply breath myself through the fear, (that worked wonders) and I promised myself to LIVE a LIFE worth LIVING!

It didn't all happen overnight but it might as well have.  Really in almost no time, I got back to interviewing, got a good job and even dated.  I remember being on an interview and thinking, OMG I am going to panic." Then calming myself down and actually getting that job.  : )  I remember being on a date and going to the bathroom and throwing water on my face to calm myself.  I have never since that day on the steps had a panic attack though.  I am grateful for the strength that came into my soul and even though I almost didn't write this strory I am glad I did.   Lovingly, Gina   
*On a side note, I want to report that years later I have read that when one experiences such symptoms that when an MRI is taken there has been evidence of a hairline fracture in the little bean in the base of the skull denoting that there is physical evidence of disassociative disorder, interesting to say the least. 

Mike I send my blessings to you and your family and to all of us who will, through this journey meet many challenges.  May we bring eachother the strength and love to prevail.  I know we will. 

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