Day 1 of getting back on track.

Dec 23, 2011

     Today turned out to be harder than I thought lol  I got off work at 7 this morning and went walking. +1 point for me!!!  I did 3 laps at the park, which equals to 1.5 miles.  My plan is to steadily increase and get to a minimum of 2 miles at least 3x per week.  It's a hell of a lot better than what I have been doing!    I went home after that and gave myself a fill.  I added 0.5ml and felt some restriction when I drank my Muscle Milk.  I washed the dishes and went to bed.  I woke up around 5:15pm ate a quick snack-picked out a few pieces of sausage from the jambalaya I had made the night before and  hopped in the shower. Everything seemed to be going ok so far.  I got to work and there is CHOCOLATE CAKE in the breakroom for us.  Sweets are my biggest weakness.  I can't resist!!!  I got hungry around 9pm so I ate part of my tuna salad I had brought.  I got fullish (I think) after like 1/2 cup.  It felt good!  Haven't had that feeling in forever!!!  I was hungry again at 12:30, and that stupid chocolate cake kept staring at me!!!  So...I ate a piece and washed it down with milk. Damn it.  Stupid chocolate cake. I hate you.  After that I ate the jambalaya that I left in the work fridge overnight.  It was good and I didn't want to waste it!  It was full of rice, empty carbs, and I ate the bowl full.  It was probably 2 cups.  I didn't feel restriction with that though.  :(  So... that sucks.  I can't do what my mind is telling me to do! WTF!  It's now almost 3am and I have been snacking on nuts- almonds, walnuts, and pecans. That is a good snack so I will not kick myself over it. No more food until I get off work unless I feel like I'm starving and then I'll have my Muscle Milk.   
   So, that's it.  I have been wasting time browsing OH and all the pics I've previously posted. I've been gazing through my before pics and I felt saddened.  Then I started browsing through my after pics and seeing myself slowly shrink in pictures.  I got down pretty small for me!!!  I was 217 at my lowest.  I gained 30 lbs since then. Ughhh!!!!!  I hate this!
   My plans for tomorrow? 
1. Throw out the jambalaya.
2. Pray that someone finishes off the chocolate cake before I return to work tomorrow night.
3. Walk 4 laps at the park.
4. Eat only protein!

I'll update tomorrow to see how it goes. Wish me luck!!!  I'm on a journey to lose 30 lbs!
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So I gained 30lbs this year...

Dec 22, 2011

    I don't know what happened. :(  Yes I do. I got sick of dieting, sick of high protein diets, sick of not being able to eat what I wanted. I needed a break!  I was maintaining from January til August.  Then I started eating whatever I wanted and BAM! 30lbs in 4 months.  That's a hell of a lot.  I'm so unhappy with myself. I know a lot of it is water weight. I've had to start going to see a Doctor and after ruling out every possible option (still waiting on my echocardiogram to come back to evaluate my heart) we have decided that it may be metabolic.  She thinks I have shocked my body into retaining an immense amount of water.  (14lbs in 3 days, WHILE on Lasix 40mg)  It's ridiculous.  This past weekend I gained 9lbs. WTF!?!  I wasn't overeating and I didn't eat junk either.  My doctor thinks I'm not getting enough protein in my diet. She said that protein actually draws fluid from the cells and since I wasn't getting enough, the fluid kept building up.  Kind of makes sense I guess. I went from high protein low carb, strict for a year and a half, to stopping pretty abruptly. Grr...I'll be so pissed if I did this to myself. It all makes sense though. The extreme weight gain started 4 months ago when I stopped the diet.
   So now I have to get back on the diet.  This is the hardest part!  I KNOW what I have to do, but I can't make myself do it!!  I say this as I finish off a baked potato. :(  I'll wake up in the morning and be like 'I WILL get back on track today!' Then I go to the fridge to get something for breakfast and completely kill that inspirational thought. Why can't my body do what I tell it to?!  I hate myself for doing this. I don't want to gain up to the 350 I was!  I already had to buy new scrubs, new jeans, and new shirts because I can't fit into any of my regular ones. It hurt me so bad to have to go up a size. I can't make myself stop though. It's like I'm out of control.  I don't have any restriction whatsoever in my band.  This is my fault, I was trained to do my own fills (I'm a nurse so don't freak out!) and I just haven't put anything in.  I will do it tomorrow though. I've made my mind up that I will, so I have to make myself do it when I get off in the morning.  I need a support system as well so starting tonight, I am back on OH. I have to make myself get back where I need to be!!!  I was so happy at 220.  I looked good at 220 and I FELT good at 220.  So..this is it guys. I'm starting fresh today.  Expect more blogs!! 
Wish me luck!
...I really need it. :(

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2011 WILL be my year!

Dec 31, 2010

This is a new year, a new beginning for me and my fickle little band. Currently, I have 5.5ish ccs in my 10cc band. I don't really have restriction at the moment. A couple weeks ago I had to have more fluid taken out due to not being able to get water down.  I have an appointment in a couple days to get some put back in.  I weighed in this morning, 223. ouch!!  I've gained back roughly 8lbs. :(  The holidays were really hard for me, as I'm sure they were for every other WLS person.  I lost my willpower, I lost my motivation. I need to get it back!!!  I want to get it back!  I just have a problem actually doing it.   I made a weight loss challenge for my mom, my sisters and myself. It's a Valentine's day challenge and we're going to weigh in  every Friday...much like the challenges on here.  I just know I'll be able to keep up with it more if it's with them.  Hopefully, it'll give me some damn motivation!  Today was my first day of getting back on track for the new year.  I did ok I guess?  I exercised a little bit, worked my arms and my abs.  My stomach is where ALL those 8lbs got added on. My scrub top is snug. :(  They had been damn near falling off of me. Damn me and my lost willpower! As far as food goes...I ate a small porkchop and black eyed peas for lunch.   I took a nap and woke up at 5pm to get ready for work. I ate 5 small cookies.  DAMN IT!!!  They were made with Splenda..but STILLLL....that is a hell of a lot of carbs I don't need!  I need to get back on low carb, high protein!  Effin cookies.  After I ate them, I was so pissed at myself that I went and dumped both containers of Splenda made Christmas cookies into the trash. lol My fiance' wasn't going to eat them and I didn't want to eat any more of them!  After that I got ready for work and headed out. I work 8p-8a.  I had some nuts around 10pm, that didn't cure my hunger so at 11:30 I ate some supper. about 1 cup of the salad I brought and another of those tiny pork chops. they're only about 2 inches by 3 inches lol..you know those real small ones?? I didn't want to eat all of my salad because I had 9 hours left and I would be starving by morning. 3am rolls around, I get a little hungry. Salad doesn't stick to my ribs like it needs to!  but...hardly any carbs. so I have a snack...mixed nuts and a tablespoon of peanut butter with splenda mixed in.  Now that I look back on what I have eaten today...I really didn't do too bad!  Maybe I can get back on track afterall. :)  Especially when I get a little fill ;)  Oh wait..I splurged at the staff canteen and got a bottle of apple juice. Shit...there goes my carb limit for the day! Oh well..tomorrow is a new day, and I WILL succeed!  (I have to beat my sisters and mom losing weight anyway!)
So my resolutions for this year....
1. I will reach my goal weight of 185. I will still be overweight according to the BMI chart, but I really do have a large frame! haha
2. I will not stress or nag over the little things that really don't matter.  Who cares if my fiance' never hangs up his own clothes? At least he washes the laundry! I need to just let it go that he's not as good of a housekeeper as I am lol. I don't want to be the nagging housewife that the husband hates to come home to. I love this man with all my heart, and I don't want to lose him over something so dumb. grr...me and my housekeeping OCD.
3. I will NOT spend money on things I do not need. Mainly....clothes. If there's a really good sale, I'm buying clothes. No, I do not need any of them.  I have more clothes now than I ever have....especially jeans. lol..I've never in my life had more than 4 pairs of jeans.  I think I have around 20 pair right now. WTF do I need 20 pair of jeans for?!!?
4. I will save money for a wedding.   We have a date...October 8th, 2011. :D It will be a small wedding, but even small weddings cost money!
5. I will exercise at LEAST twice a week.  This one will be my hardest.  I just don't like exercise.  :(  I hate the people who say "ooohhhh I feel so amazing after a good work out! I just loooove to exercise! I'm at the gym at least 5 days a week."  blah....I hate you.

I think that's it for now.  I need to go check on my patients anyway. lol
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Holidays...grrrr

Dec 24, 2010

     The holidays are really not being good to me!  I haven't been binging or anything, but I have definitely eaten things I know I shouldn't be eating.  Omg, I'm struggling!  I stepped on the scales today...I've been avoiding them again. 221. That's 8lbs up from my lowest of 213. I've been staying between 215-220 since I started birth control. I was 213 twice, and it was only after a weekend of not being able to keep anything down. I couldn't even get water down. I got pretty dehydrated and had to have an emergency unfill.  This has only happened like twice in my banding journey. So..if I'm severely dehydrated, I'm 213. lol  So anyway..New Year's Resolutions coming around again!!!!  I WILL GET BACK ON TRACK AND REACH MY GOAL OF 185!!!!!  I can do it..I know I can. I just need some extra motivation.  Motivation...that is my absolute biggest problem.  I need some help in this area.  I don't like exercise, but then again, who does?  How do other people make themselves do it?  What kind of motivation do they use to get off their asses and get this extra weight off??  I'm 36lbs to goal now (thanks to the lovely holiday food I've been eating).  It doesn't seem like much at all considering I started at 334.  I know.  It's not much.  But I haven't lost a damn pound since I started birth control 2 and a half months ago!  That has thrown every ounce of motivation I had left out the effin window.  should I stop the birth control?  lol..probably not. So what the hell do I do?!  How do I motivate myself to get back on track and lose 36 lbs?!  My deadline to reach goal was April 27th, 2011.  I hoped I wouldn't have to extend that, but that's a lot to do in 4 months :(  uggghhhhhhhhhhh...just needed to vent again.
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it's been so long...

Dec 03, 2010

I haven't blogged in a while because, well, that would mean I would have to hold myself accountable and I wasn't ready. :(  I suck.  I haven't lost any weight in about 2 months. Could be the birth control I started 2 months ago? Could be the period I've had for the entire 2 months (the reason they put me on birth control)? Could be stress of school and changing jobs???  Or...it could just be that I am eating more than I need to, and everything I'm not supposed to.  :(  I know. I've been sitting between 214 and 218 for the past 2 months. I guess I'm maintaining...but I'm not at my goal so I don't need to be maintaining yet! Ugghhh get your shit together Ginger! I want to be 185. That's my goal. It's NOT unobtainable!  I've noticed that I am not listening to my band when I eat. I'm not following the bandster rules. It's like I went on a normal person eating spree for 2 months. Effin birth control makes me want to munch ALL the time.  I just need to get back to basics. I have to do this. I can't let bad habits return.  My sister (who got banded the same day as me) has finally got herself back on track after taking 9 months off for being pregnant. She is losing weight pretty quickly and I can tell a huge difference. Is it wrong to say that I'm actually jealous that she is losing and I'm not?  I was so used to having all the attention and now she's catching up to me. I know that's selfish.  She's 50lbs heavier than I am, but she is wearing all the clothes I gave her from when I was that weight. It's really weird, seeing her in my clothes.  I tried talking to her the other day about me completely falling off the wagon and the mental problems I have with food. She suggested I see a therapist. Probably not a bad idea, but I honestly dno't have TIME to see a therapist!  I work full time and go to school full time.  I need help, but I need help getting it...ya know?  I decided 2 days ago to stop everything and get back on track. I'm doing pretty decent so far. My main problem has been portion control. If it's on the plate, I'm not gonna stop until it's done.  Whenever I am at home and my fiance' and I eat together, I use a small plate and try my hardest not to STACK food on it.  When I'm at work, I bring my lunch. I have 1/2 cup containers and I pack them full to the brim of some kind of meat. I normally take 2 to work with me and some nuts or something for a snack. (I work 12 hour shifts.) I've picked up the habit of eating ice chips. I know it's really bad for my teeth, but it satisfies my 'munchies' cravings and helps me get fluid in at the same time.  I just want to be done already. It's been such a long journey and I don't have the energy or motivation to keep going.  I just needed to vent. I'm going to make myself stay on track. I have to.  My deadline to be in the 180s is April 27th.  That's the date my fiance' and I picked out. He said if I was goal by that date, he would do something fabulous for me AND buy me some clothes.  I want to make it to that....not just for me, but for him.  He's been so supportive through this all and tells me all the time how proud of me he is.  He showed me off to his dad the other day saying "Look how much weight my baby has lost!" lol ...I have to admit...it made me feel good. I forgot for a short time that I had been on a 2 month stall and lived up the 114lbs I've lost. And another thing I need to ramble/vent about....why can't I see myself as thinner!!?!  I still see so much fat when I look in the mirror.   3 different people, at different times have told me that they can't believe I weigh over 200lbs.  Why can't I see that?  I think I look like I weigh a LOT more than that. I'm just so frustrated with everything. I don't know what to do anymore.....I need therapy lol
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50.7 to 32.5... :D

Oct 17, 2010

50.7 ....that was my BMI when I first started looking into weight loss surgery.  SUPER MORBIDLY OBESE.  ugghhh I hate those words!  5'8", 334 lbs.  I have no idea how I got up that high, and I never thought I looked that big.  I always thought I 'carried my weight well'.  lol..u guys know what I mean!  I've been rummaging through old pictures and I'm just disgusted with how big I let myself get. It was pretty sad and made me appreciate this band I have in me.  Yeah..a lot of times I wish I had the bypass or some other surgery so I could lose weight really fast and be all sexy and such...but..I NEVER would have been able to lose any of the weight without my little band!    I'm fortunate to have not had any complications with my weight loss surgery, other than the occasional unfill.  I've lost 120 lbs from my highest weight, and 114 since surgery, bmi is 32.5.   You know how much that really is??!!?  I have to compare it to things so I can realize how far I've come.  I've lost 2-50lb sacks of horse feed, or 13.5 gallons of milk.  go to the store and try to pick up 13 gallons of milk. i have...and i can't do it.  i am just amazed that i once carried all that extra weight all the time.  it's crazy isn't it?  although i know i've lost 120 lbs, i still see fat in the mirror. i know this is a huge deal for everyone who has lost any amount of weight. i wish i could love myself more and see that i am at a normal size.  (normal for the average female in the US ;) i'm not plus size anymore. i can shop at aero and american eagle! i have NEVER been able to wear those name brands!  hell, i was 180lbs in the 5th grade. i know i wore a women's plus size 16 in 7th grade. those 2 markers have been hammered into my brain and i will never forget them.  here I am at 26 years old and I'm wearing a junior size 15/16. lol..i'm smaller than i was in 7th grade!  it's pretty sad actually. it makes me wonder why my parents never intervened.  i'm not blaming them at all, so please don't think that. it's just that they saw me eating bad at a very young age, why didn't they try to mold my eating behavior into something more healthy?  all the horrible years of name calling and emotional abuse from school kids could have been avoided.  yeah, i'm stronger because of it, but i really just wanted to fit in and not always be the fattest one in class. you know how many times i've gone to a different class or get-together and looked around to see if i was the fattest one?  there was one other girl in high school who was as big as me. i actually felt a little relieved when we had a class together.  isn't that terrible?  when i have children, they are going to be taught about healthy eating as soon as they come out of the womb.  i find myself trying to do that with my nieces, who are less than 2 years old and already overweight for their age. when i'm with them i give them something healthy to snack on. my sister gives the oldest one sweet tea and dr. pepper.  i try to change it a LITTLE bit so she won't know. unsweet tea with splenda, and diet dr. pepper. i know a kid shouldn't be drinking those things anyway, but i'm just trying to make it a little better. my sis gets pissed at me if i ever say anything to her about trying to give them healthier foods. grrr...doesn't she remember what it was like for us!?!  i don't want those babies to have to go through that. i'm done with my rabling on that for now. i haven't blogged in a while and i wanted to update i guess.

ohh!!!! i signed up for my first marathon!! it's november 11th, 2 miles.  :) super excited about that. i wanted to start with a short one and work up to a 5k. i've been trying to train for that. i've been walking/jogging more lately.  i hate exercise but it helps to have something like that to know i'm working for. ya know what i mean?  i've lost 4lbs since i started training lol.  who knew...exercise really does pay off!

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I am in pure AWE!!!

Oct 02, 2010

omg..I am in pure awe at this!!!!   http://www26.netrition.com/low_carb_products_page.html

LOW CARB!!! WOOOO!!!  I was getting sick of the same ol same ol meat and cheeses. omg...brownies with 1 net carb, pancakes with 1 net carb. i had NO idea stuff like this even existed!!  haha I especially LOVE the low carb snacks page.  grrr...I wish it weren't so expensive though. my shopping cart was full....then I remembered, "hey...stop it dummy...ur poor!" lol  i will buy something though. i just can't believe there are so many low carb products out there.  geez...over a year out and just now realizing there's more to life than meat, cheese, and protein shakes 

on another note...I feel better tonight :) thanks goes out to anonymouslyobese for the kind words.  i've been drinking fluids, and I'm able to keep them down.  I had some chicken noodle soup for breakfast..(leave me alone..i wasn't thinking about carbs, i was just so hungry!!) and I had some tomato soup and cheese cubes for lunch. supper is gonna be some chicken i've been trying to eat on for a day or two lol maybe tomorrow I'll be able to eat normal again. I hate when my band and I fight....it always wins.
2 comments

foamies

Oct 01, 2010

For the first time in my Lap Band life, I am experiencing 'foamies'.  I've had lots of sliming episodes, but tonight I am foaming and frothing like crazy!  I don't like these foamies.  It's awkward and I'm not used to it. My band is snug, it has been a little too snug since my last fill.  It seems like I vomit more than I don't. It happened last weekend and this weekend is not looking good. I couldn't eat for the entire weekend and drinking wasn't much better. I got dehydrated and made myself sick. It's too tight. I know it is. Any little bit of vomiting I do causes my stomach to get all inflamed and I can't eat (or drink most of the time).  I threw up on a thin protein drink today. I vomited up my unsweet tea. I'm so tired of vomiting and not being able to eat at all. I'm freakin hungry and my head is KILLING me!!!  I want some of this fluid out!!!! It's a weekend and the lady who does my fills is out of town. CRAP.   I was able to get down very tiny sips of hot coffee last night. I didn't have any broth at work and the canteen isn't open on my shift. I'm so hungry I wanna cry :(  I hope this last 30 minutes at work goes by fast so I can go home an dgo to bed. Maybe I will wake up and be able to get some broth down. I feel like poo :(
1 comment

thank you scales!!

Sep 22, 2010

....soooo....as of yesterday morning...I am in the 2-teens!!!  218 wooo hoooo!!!!!!!  super excited!  hhahaa after like 3 weeks in a stall, bam!, 4 lbs GONE!

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water logged...

Aug 20, 2010

It appears that I am having a problem retaining water. I know I have a problem retaining in my feet and legs. I work a lot of hours and I'm on my feet a lot.  Every now and then, when I notice that the swelling in my marshmallow feet doesn't go down, I take one of my HCTZ and all is cured.  Three nights ago, I noticed something odd.  I had pitting edema in my wrists.  WTF! That's never happened before!  In my wrists??  C'MON!  I knew something had to be up because I gained like 6lbs in a week.  I took HCTZ two days in a row and lost every bit of it.  All the swelling went down, I could see the veins on my feet again, and my belly went down.  I'm not liking all this water retention. It kinda worries me :(  If it keeps on, I may have to talk to my PCP and get a prescription to take them daily again.  Right now I'm 3 times a week as needed for swelling.  Grr....it just sucks.  I thought I was done with taking meds. Why can't my body be normal?!
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About Me
FL
Location
39.7
BMI
VSG
Surgery
05/20/2015
Surgery Date
Mar 05, 2009
Member Since

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