Where I'm at...

Jan 11, 2011

Wow, it was May when I last posted. I've lost a lot since then!!

Just a note to say I'm still here... plugging along... I can't belive it will be a year next month!! I've lost 100 pounds since surgery... 150 altogether (dieted off 44 pounds the year before surgery... lost 16 on the liquid diet).

My issue, at 11 months out, is the re-gain paranoia. I'm going to the gym... some weeks more than others... and really trying to vary the routine so I keep it up. I've really found yoga to be helpful... I go to Svaroopa Yoga class every week and it eases my aches & pains a lot. You can learn more about this easy, gentle form of yoga here: http://www.svaroopayoga.org/

Where the rubber will meet the road for me? The inner work. I see a therapist weekly, I've started a group with that therapist as well. I'm attending a mindfulness meditation group, and meditating as often as I can. My goal is 30 minutes daily. One thing that's surfacing as I listen more carefully and take my "inner temperature" is that I've got a lot of "awfulizing" going on... my inner voices making catastrophes out of everything. There's a part of my thinking that makes a major drama out of every move I make, I swear to God. And... worse... because I don't like this voice, I've allowed it to slip under my consciousness. I.E... I have this drama going on a lot, part of my daily existence... and it's not reviewed or evaluated for truth. The drama is my companion... the drama itself shields me from reality... I cling to it as a (false) safety net, perhaps because I maintain a (false) sense of control over life... a separateness from life... the REAL dramas can't get me if I'm all bolluxed up with my silly pretend dramas. At this stage of my life I'm trying to "witness" all this... pay attention without judging... trying to learn my patterns and see them for what they are. All the while, focusing on my overall goal of true happiness, which I've come to believe is an awful lot under my control. of course, something really awful could happen (cancer, family member ill or dying) but that's not happening right now. All is well. I'm focusing on the wellness... listening to how my inner self is dealing with all the rapid change... trying to learn what makes me want to eat cookies, sugar, starch, etc etc.

Well, that was quite the download. Stay tuned for more... I really do think the mental/emotional/spiritual work is the key for me and long-term success at weight loss. For, in truth, the REAL goal that motivated me when I started to pursue surgery was contentment and happiness--I didn't feel happy at 384 pounds. I felt old. I felt disabled. I couldn't wipe my own hiney, put on my own socks, or stand all the way through a choir concert. I can do all those things and more, now... a beautiful gift that I treasure at the ripe old age of 50. It's true when folks say "I've got my life back." Now, the task is to settle in to this new life comfortably... to allow the dramas to peter off, replaced with ways of thinking and feeling that better serve my goals of contentment and happiness.

I'm so grateful for an understanding, loving wife (who also had RNY, in August--she's lost 90 pounds, losing faster than I did!). I'm grateful for a job I enjoy, being an announcer at a public radio station. I'm grateful for my family, and wish I got to see my brother and sister more often (they live 3 & 5 hours away). I'm grateful for activities that bring me joy, like singing in choir, playing with my iPhone, petting our 17 year old pussycat, and... wait for it... going to the gym!!

Speaking of which, guess what I'm procrastinating at this very moment!!! Ha ha ha ha ha.

Time to bundle up, go clean the considerable snow off my car, and meet my appointment with the Stairmaster.

TTFN.

gk

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