Fears & Tears

Jul 09, 2014

So I’m three months into my 6 month requirement from BCBSM. I have an apt with the doctor and psych on Monday. The first three months have flown by so I imagine the next three months will go by just as fast.

I’m struggling a bit, I feel like I’m all alone on an island. I have started sharing with some that I will be having surgery. It has been a mixed bag of responses. My Dad is 100% behind me and supportive. My boyfriend on the on the other hand thinks I’m taking drastic measures. I love him and he wasn’t there to see me balloon to 315 lbs or to see me lose 125 lbs just to gain and lose it 50 to 80 lbs back time and time again. Since we have been dating he has seen me lose 50 lbs. Well guess what I put it back on! He thinks that I’m taking the easy way.  It stings slightly, but I can see how someone looking from the outside in may feel that way. I have tried explaining to him that I’m reclaiming my health and preventing life threatening diseases from taking over.

I have my best friend who is kind of on board but also tells me she thinks I can do it on my own, but supports me having surgery. This girl has saw me do weight watchers, has hit the gym with me, but also is the one who eats & drinks with me. She told me she is losing her drinking buddy. By no means do I have an alcohol problem, but I do enjoy craft beer, I enjoy taking in the local drinks when traveling about. When in Prague we chose the brewery tour, in Krakow the vodka tour and we have gone to Oktoberfest together.  I do enjoy having a few drinks now and then but I can also go six weeks without a drink. To me there is nothing better than a fall football Saturday tailgating and enjoying a beer. I know this will change; I know my behavior has to change and its hard hearing comments like I lost my drinking buddy. On the other hand I have my father who tells me we will switch to victory diet ice tea instead of a victory beer. I struggle & go back and forth. Can I really go back to weight watchers and hit the gym harder and maintain or do I go and have surgery and use this tool to help me reclaim my health.

There are so many thoughts going thru my head.  I’m usually put together quite well. I’m not one to get scared, but I’m scared. I have no one to talk to about these fears …no one who gets it. People are so quick to judge without walking a day in someone’s shoes.

I know I want to reclaim myself, my health and I want to be able to take care of myself. If I can’t take care of myself and be healthy how will I be good to anyone else??

I have never been one to write in a diary…..I feel like this would be an entry if I had one.

3 Comments