Jun 10, 2013
I'm a little over 15 months out from my RNY surgery & I'm loving my size 7 body. Still working on letting go of food as my go-to numbing agent of choice, though.
My sleep schedule's upside-down. I'm up all night & I go to sleep around 4:30 AM. I'm not thrilled about this (can you tell I'm trying to be positive), but I know it's only temporary. Isn't everything?
One thing I'm dealing with since I'm up at night is being lonely, & that loneliness has been making me look for food. I don't think I'm exactly hungry; it's more that I'm looking for comfort or something pleasant to do, just like I did when I weighed 257.
My son is working now (he just finished his sophomore year of college) so he's using the second car. Note I didn't call it "my car." Read between the lines! I'm not employed outside the home right now (another reason I'm hungry, angry, lonely & tired) so I figure it's only fair to let my son use the car for his job. And I'm BORED. Oh, how bored I am! There, I said it. True confessions.
The only thing that's constant in life is change, so I figure this isn't going to last forever. But I do need to shore up my strength against feeling antsy at 3 AM & thinking graham crackers are the answer to my problems.
I'd love to hear how you all are handling your disengagement from food as a soothing agent. I wish you love & happiness!
Feb 10, 2013
I'm coming up on one year since my open RNY gastric bypass surgery (I had it on 2/28/2012). I had a followup with my primary-care physician today. I'm down from 257 to 143! 114 pounds lost in a little under one year. Every morning when I wake up, I say, Thank you, Lord, for this day. Quickly followed by, Thank you, Lord, that I'm SKINNY!
This is all new for me. I'd been heavy my whole life (since about the age of 6). I am SKINNY. I don't deny it. I'm proud of it. I am brave, I walked to the precipice & stepped off into the unknown. So none of this body dysmorphic disorder stuff for me. But I'm working at it, one day at a time.
If you're not familiar with the term body dysmorphic disorder or BDD, Wikipedia describes it as a disorder generally diagnosed in those who are excessively critical of their mirror image or body, although there may be no actual defect. Family, friends & others will typically disagree and may protest that there is no defect. In other words, someone like me who's had WLS (weight loss surgery) may look in the mirror & still see a fat person when, in fact, the person is now slim by anyone's standards.
I read about BDD years ago. I think I had it in reverse: I thought I was adorable! When I saw photos of myself, I cried inconsolably. I couldn't believe I looked like that (& yes, I have mirrors in my house). When I reacquainted myself with BDD just before I had my RNY, I realized I would have to work with myself, my doctors, & mental health professionals to get a grip on the reality that was to become the new me.
I do things like look - I mean really LOOK - at myself in the mirror. I never did that before I lost weight. Now my butt looks like two Sharpei puppies (& not in a good way) instead of two bowls of rising yeast bread dough, but dag it, I LOOK at the new me in the mirror. I do positive affirmations like, "Grrl... you look GREAT! You DID IT! You are adorable! I love you." Stop laughing! Seriously, I say this to my SKINNY, wrinkled, saggy, stretch-marked self. I look into my eyes when I say these things to myself. At first, I felt uncomfortable, & like I didn't really mean it. But, as we say in Overeater's Anonymous, fake it 'til you make it! A psychologist I once had said, "Behavior begets attitude." I believe it.
I also put my hands on my body. I realize I avoided this when I was heavy. I can remember being on an airplane in 2011 (before RNY). I had to sit with my arms crossed with my elbows resting on (one of) my spare tire(s) to avoid having my heavy upper arms infringe on my rowmates' seats. I had to try to stay this way on an 11-HOUR FLIGHT from Istanbul to Chicago! I didn't like feeling my own self in any way. How sad! This woman who raised 2 babies, loves 2 grandchildren, & opens my arms to anyone in need, & I couldn't allow myself to feel my own skin. My poor, dear, neglected self.
So now, I put my palms on my pelvic bones (yes! They're there! The last time I saw them was when I had a sonogram a month before my now-20-year-old son was born) & say, "Oh Lord, thank you Lord! I am SKINNY!" I wrap my hand (almost completely) around my upper forearm & see how my index finger & thumb almost touch. And I say, "I am SKINNY!" The first time I ever saw my knee bone I thought it was a bruise. True story! About a month after my surgery, I saw this bluish shadow on my knee & thought, "Heck! How'd I do THAT?" Then I realized: "HEY! That's my KNEE BONE!" I couldn't stop rolling the tips of my fingers on it. How cool! I can feel my bone! Like I said earlier, this is all new to me.
And I love it. I love ME!
Jul 07, 2012
Jun 25, 2012
My friend on OH - who had WLS herself around the same time I did - lost her young daughter last week. Her daughter had WLS on 5/23/12 & never regained consciousness.
I'm sick about the loss of this vibrant, gorgeous young woman. This got me to thinking about my own thoughts pre-op.
If you're fearful of dying from WLS, I would call the surgeon's office & ask about his/her track record. I mean, you are entitled to have this information.
I started my journey on 9/1/2010 & it took over a year for me to be on the operating table. I didn't really worry too much about "checking out" after my surgery (dying). I was so unhappy at 257 pounds & had been overweight my whole life. I had diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, depression, you name it. My marriage has been a long, tough, rocky road. I was ready for a 180-degree change in my life, no matter what the outcome.
I'm 51 & I figured, well, I've lived a life full of adventures (good & bad), I've traveled all over the USA, & to Europe... I don't want to die, but if I do, I've been blessed with beautiful (now-grown) children & 2 grandchildren. If God wants me, well, I'll just have to be an angel to my loved ones...
I know this probably sounds silly or crazy. But I want to be honest with you. And looking back, I'm glad I had my RNY. It hasn't been easy, but I'd lost & gained weight so many times in my life I knew I couldn't do it by diet & exercise alone anymore.
I'm coming up on 4 months since my surgery. I can walk 4+ miles without being really tired. This is a huge feat for me! I had trouble with the stairs in my home pre-op. I wore a size 20 (tight) before surgery; now I wear a 14 comfortably. I always wanted to have my hair super-short & not think my head looked like the knot on a balloon. I got my hair cut last week just the way I've always wanted it to be! I'm not dying in the heat & humidity of DC (I have no AC in my car) because I'm not carrying around an extra 63 pounds to cool off anymore. I can pull my knees up when I'm laying down & not feel like I'm suffocating because of all the fat rippling up to my throat. I can cut my own toenails. I can shave my legs (& other areas of my bod lol) without being exhausted afterwards. I can actually see what I'm shaving!
This has been a hugely sobering experience for me. I'd never had major surgery before in my life. The anesthesia was unbelievably strong, paralyzing, brain-scrambling. I feel like I was "on the brink..." & that I came back to the living. My scar is not awful. Actually, I love it. I put scar gel on it & I say, "I love you! You're so beautiful! Thank you for my new life!" I have a much more tender & loving feeling about my body than I did before because I know what it can get through. I am so strong!
Much love, GG
Jun 19, 2012
Jun 17, 2012
Jun 14, 2012
Jun 09, 2012
Jun 05, 2012
The way processed carbs are manufactured nowadays, much of what's in there is not digestible by the body. (Any body.) The flour is treated chemically to make it fluffier so the companies can use less but make the same amount of product. This "flour" is indigestible by the human gastrointestinal tract. Also, high-fructose corn syrup is NOT, as the HFCS ad campaign says, "just sugar." Again, it's a non-food that has been processed so as to make it killer on the human body.
Panera Bread was in the forefront of using these non-food products to make their baked goods (pastries, cakes, danish). Did you ever feel unwell after eating there? Did you have tummy troubles for a day or two afterwards?
Another place that uses these chemically altered non-foods is Starbucks. Many restaurants (franchises, chains) are starting to use them exclusively because the companies save so much money. Their usage has "bled" over into supermarket products.
What I'm trying to say is, don't knock yourself; don't be so tough on yourself. These highly-processed non-foods are highly addictive to the palate & pleasure center of one's brain. When you get these out of your system, you don't crave them nearly as much.
For all of us - WLS post-ops or not - eating food as close to its natural state is what we should strive for.
May 27, 2012