Anxiety and thankfulness

Dec 14, 2010

Here it is Wednesday morning at 6:22am and I cannot sleep.  This has been happening all week.  Why? Because my DS is less than a week away, my ex and I are fighting like cats and dogs due to the tension and the liquid diet (I'm mean when I'm hungry) and the impending questions of whether I will make it through the surgery, will I have complications, will I regret getting into a situation where someone has to take care of me for a while when we are no longer together, will I be able to pay these bills next month or will that add to my frustration while trying to heal.  Times like this all I can do is pray, talk to my heavenly Father, and cry in his lap.  So much is going on all at once and I feel like it's now or never.  I won't have another chance at life like this so I have to go in with the faith that God's will be done.  I don't know if Dr. Garth will be doing an open or a laparoscopic depending on my weight loss I suppose, but at this point it really doesn't matter to me. I just want to be free.  I sit and think of things that HAVE to be done by surgery day and there seems not to be enough time, man power, money, or strength.  I feel like when ppl describe "nesting."  I want the house bleached from top to bottom, carpet cleaned, sectional cleaned, kitchen and bathrooms disinfected, sheets changed, dishes done and put away, hair and nails done, laundry done, new curtains hung....the list does go on and on.  My ex is looking at me like I'm slow, but if anything happens to me, I want things handled, if all goes well, I still can't do this crap when I get home....so *blank stare* back at him.  Not to mention the emotional BULL I am undergoing.  I need to make peace with my dad, and a couple other ppl as well.  This truly has to be a new beginning and it WILL.

1 comment

Renewed Hope...can't throw in the towel just yet!

Jul 03, 2010

Well,
After the ordeal in Ohio with Cleveland Clinic playing with my emotions for 2 years, I have finally found a surgeon here in TX that I feel completely comfortable with.  I know he has experence working with people over 400 lbs, so I feel more secure about it.  How do I know this?  It's been highly publiized, recorded, for all the world to see on.... BIG MEDICINE!  I never knew that when I was addicted to that show back in Cleveland that Dr. Garth would become MY SURGEON.  He is the son of the duo and very handsome and charismatic.  My boyfriend jokingly calls me Mrs. Davis....LOL...my reply is, "well, he WILL be putting a ring on it.....(my stomach that is)....LOL.  But I went to orientation in Houston on June 2nd and it was great!  First off, we rented a Charger (which I LOVVVVVEEEE because I didn't know it was phat girl friendly) and took a roadtrip with friends!  It was a great time.  They, along with my boyfriend listened to the info with me and we all learned something new.  So, I am convinced that this is where God wants me to be, and I am prayerful that all will work out this time.  I am now 545lbs and a little slow and unsteady, but I still make it do what it do baby!   I am eternally grateful for my boyfriend and my step-daughter because they support me and love on me even at times I give them good reason not to.  I am glad to have found someone as heart-beautiful as they are.  I have 3 months nutrition and one psych evaluation to complete.  I will meet with Dr. Davis and the psychologist on July 8th to see which procedure they think is best for me.  I will keep u all updated.  Keep me in ur prayers and I will do the same as well!

Mizii
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This sucks....

Mar 08, 2010

Long story, I have moved to TX, and since I have been here, I have not been able to find a Center of Excellence in my area.  The closest one is in Houston (of course) and that is about a 2 hour drive and I don't have a car.  My relationship....well that's another story, and I'm uber discouraged. But I know I have to keep pushing on if I want the life I dream of.....please keep me in your prayers, I just wanted to update everyone that I have to start this God-forsaken process all over again which will be that much harder due to now being on Medicare....but I stand on the truth that God is still in control...

Babii

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I Know It's Been A While...

May 19, 2008

I have been catching hell, but through it all...I still win.  I had lost almost 50 lbs and got clearance from psychiatric, nutrition, and everything was a go....so I thought. I knew stuff was goin' downhill when my case manager at Cleveland Clinic had to take a few weeks off and neglected to assign someone else to handle my case.  By the time I complained and bugged the color off of some people...they sent my file to Medicaid for an answer.  Medicaid sent them a "no"  back due to an incomplete file and asked that they review and resubmit within 30 days.  No one notified me, so I called and bugged and bugged again (by this time she was back) and basically they had lost the test results of my cholesterol screening AND THE KICKER....Medicaid requires 6 back to back visits with a PHYSICIAN for my diet, not a NUTRITIONIST....I asked this question towards the beginning of this journey and they reassured me that they had it covered.  I WAS DENIED AGAIN, they failed to even resubmit.  I admit, this definitely left a horrible taste in my mouth....I became depressed and thru all the lack of support and such from family and friends, I made a decision...I moved to TX with my man.  At least if I am gonna go thru this crap again it can be with someone I am in love with.  So...I get here and I am getting settled just to find that I get paid $12 too much from disability to get Medicaid...WTH?  It seems I can't win for losing...I really don't know what to do since my medicare doesn't kick in until February.  Plus there aren't many places in TX that take Medicaid for the surgery anyway....so here I am...though I am madly in love, have the love of my fiance's baby girl also....I am just a lil discouraged, just a lil lost, just a lil tired....I will keep u all updated though. 

*whoo hoo* *whoo hooo*

Dec 21, 2007

Ok, so I am doing an amazingly fly phat girl happy dance....On December 20th, I had an appointment with nutrition and guess what? My insurance has changed and decided that the 6 months of medical supervised diet is  REQUIRED and not so much as suggested...that was bad news...but the good news was that this was my 6th appointment....HALLELUJAH!  I fit the criteria anyway and on top of that I lost 12 more lbs....*go head! go head!*  So in lieu of reaching my goals....I GOT CLEARANCE FROM NUTRITION...now they are submitting my info to my insurance and VIOLA! I will have a date soon and very soon..  I wanna give a shout out to my girl Shavii, do the damn thang girl...we can do this!  And my baby *wink* I love u....BE HOME SOON......

Merry Christmas Y'all, Jesus loves u and ur already beautifully made in His eyes...

Babii

Whooo Hoooo!

Dec 01, 2007

Ok, so I have been such a slacker...u guys...there is much to tell...first of all I went to my last psych eval and I thought chickadee was gonna play me by the way she was lookin...but after a lonnnnng discussion... me telling her what I learned and what the psych helped me with....she wrote my letter of recommendation right then and there!!  I was in tears...whooooo hoooo, thank u Jesus! I was tooo happy...so I now have an appointment with my surgeon on the 5th and one last appt with my nutritionist...whooo hooo...on my last one I lost 12 lbs!  I thought for sure that I had gained weight.  But I neglected to realize that I am more active.  God is sooo good.  So ladies and gents...I am that much closer...Goal one...GET A DIVORCE...(DONE) got my papers in the mail on the first week in Nov...bittersweet it was but oh so necessary.  So goal two is almost complete and I am sooo ready.  I am still unsure if I will be getting the roux en y or the gastric sleeve.  My baby is so concerned and so far from me so I am trying to come up with ways to include him as a part of the process.  Maybe I can take my webcam into the room I will be staying in at the hospital to let him see me and maybe feel better since he can't be there physically...any more suggestions?  I will update when the surgeon appt is over.  10 more lbs to go!!!

On My Way...A Good Day...

Nov 03, 2007

I was aggravated to get up so early, but glad I did...this was the first good day I had in such a long while (10/30/2007) I had my yearly chic exam and that was excellent...a little discomfort but cool...everything is everything...LADIES AND GENTS, I think everyone should have an HIV test yearly even if ur married, just as a part of ur upkeep...things happen...so yeah all checked out as expected...
Then the REAL STRESS my appt with the psychiatrist who I was sent to by the pseudo psychologist...lol.  She was a very pretty, extremely warm, soft-spoken black woman...I was relaxed immediately.  We talked about God, my relationship with Him. with family, with friends, and even enemies.  My coping strategies, and even my tendency to isolate myself to deal with the ignorance of those around me.  I told her about y'all...we laughed, we cried, we made some changes and I couldn't have asked for a better experience.  When dealing with a condition such as depression since early teen years, one has a tendency to feel invisible to the point of even attempting to blend into the background...A SISTA IS MUCH TOO GLAMOROUS FOR THAT ISH!  I been getting my groove back thanks to a warm, understanding, gentleman in my life *wink* I ***heart*** u, among other changes that I had to make to stop this insanity...defined as *doing the same thing and expecting different results* I was the very definition of insane. 
I had 3 goals...*get a divorce, *file bankruptcy (hey, we all got issues), and have the WLS... I am at a 1.5 outta 3.  So as mentioned, there are some changes I have to make...I have to learn to go to bed earlier than 8am...I have to isolate myself less, and I have to make some more goals along with the steps to attaining them. BOOYAH!  I can do that!
So, after that I go see the nutritionist...(dun dun dun dunnnnnn) I heard the eerie music as I walked to her office ...LOL...she said the infamous words..."let's weigh u in" but to make a long story, I have to see her 2 more times, she okayed me to meet with the surgeon, and YES BABY I lost 8 lbs. 20 more to Go...whooo hoooo....so the consensus is (all around) my surgery will be in January or February....YAY!  I will keep u all updated. Thanks so much for the support and love....

Peace
Babii

"The Talk"

Oct 22, 2007

"The talk" was inevitable, I discovered this day would come,
many prayed for it's manifestation, tho my tears countless the sum,
how can I rejoice that I'm doing what's right,
yet hear my heart break, bleed pure rays of light

"The talk" was upon us tho, the time had drawn near,
From my mouth, my confession to his heart's poised ear,
I cringe as I think back to days of our lives,
Our beautiful talks, loving caresses, and sunrise

That star that we choose in that summer night bittersweet,
Named it "Our Love," said no matter, we'd always be,
Sheltered in abuse, in love with sin and pain,
Lead straight to our agony, with pure malice I laid,

We nurtured our sinfulness with a slogan of love,
It's us against the world, tainted, misuided, not me but "us,"
We understood each other and even birthed our fears,
Chaos, hatred, and Lil promiscuity our children of angered years,

"The talk" was the hardest walk of my life,
I did it for me to love Him without strife,
I did it for me to have real love in sight,
I did it for my breath to return to my nights

I did it for those I would birth to be clear,
From generational worries, curses, and fear
"The talk" was even for you, though I pierced ur heart thru,
But how many times did I turn on God for u?

How many times did I exalt u much higher?
Made u MY GOD, like no words could bring fire,
Like no harm could ever come from u,
No phrase would ever be more untrue...
as long as u said I love me, I love me, I love me, or was it u?

"The talk" killed me inside, so I know God as Resurrector,
"The talk" brought my ins to outs, so I know God as Protector
"The talk" brought me to the mirror, but in God, no condemnation

"That talk"  was with my lawyer ending my title as "wife" on papers.



About Me
TX
Location
95.7
BMI
DS
Surgery
12/20/2010
Surgery Date
Oct 05, 2007
Member Since

Friends 55

Latest Blog 8
I Know It's Been A While...
*whoo hoo* *whoo hooo*
Whooo Hoooo!
On My Way...A Good Day...
"The Talk"

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