gottaspin77

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Last Saturday night I was suddenly (and I mean SUDDENLY) hit with abdomenal pain that was so horrendous that no position or amount of movement could make it stop.  I ended up going to the ER.  Long story short, my gall bladder decided to throw a stone into my pancreatic duct and plug it up for a while, causing pancreatitis and my liver to enlarge.  Very painful, to say the very least. 

The surgeon took my gall bladder out twelve hours after I was admitted in.  I feel pretty good, although the fella who placed my intubation tube either suffered from blindness or a bad case of the shakes because he scratched the roof of my mouth, uvula and throat.  And it felt like my jaw had been busted with a ball bat.  I ended up getting a mouth infection and an abscess on my uvula.  I was unable to eat and lost 7lbs in 4 days.  I'm still on antibiotics, but I'm able to eat again.

Here's something predictably amazing; I can poop!!!!!!  I'm on a prescription pill normally. I haven't had to take my pill in three days and I'm pooping like a real, normal person!!  Had I realized sooner the benefits of not having a gall bladder, I woulda yanked the sucker out myself! 

Anywho, I'm doing well and now have 11 incisions in my abdomen.  Oh, well.  I hadn't planned on entering any bikini competitions anyways!

One year has passed since my stomach was carefully sliced and morphed into a pouch the size of an egg.  What a year.  It was hellish, no doubt.  The husband had to remove the bathroom carpet since I have a tendency to heave ho if the mood strikes, which is more often that I like.  By the way, don't ever put carpet in a bathroom - EVER.

I felt like a newborn; food was a daily experiment.  Most of the time I kept it down, but there were plenty of days where I didn't.  There are certain foods that even now are guaranteed triggers of vomiting - eggs, fried chicken and spaghetti. Other than the eggs, I don't need the others anyway. My entire way of eating has changed.  I measure and time all eating and drinking events. I do have a daily inappropriate goodie, but mostly it's by the book.  I can even eat sushi again.  I crave popcorn and salt like a crack addict.  The things I would do for popcorn frighten me.

For about 8 months after surgery, I lived like a ghost.  I didn't feel alive mentally or physically.  Each major system took it hard that I was losing weight.  I had to wear a cardiac monitor for a month for some issues, my vision peaked and waned, my balance was sorely off, my hormones were a mess, but oddly better than they've been in my lifetime and my joints hurt more than ever.  And damn was I COLD.  And I was angry.  Not just angry, but LIVID.  I wanted to do bodily harm to everyone I came in contact with.  I withdrew in to myself and plotted and raged.  I was a mess.  The only thing that saved me was my nieces and for that I thank them.

I have to say that it was pretty easy, even through the tougher times.  It probably doesn't sound like it from the above whining, but it was.  I have been obese since age 8.  I have prayed, wished, fantasized and done everything I could to lose weight.  I can't begin to find the words for how I feel. I see my body in an entirely new way.  When I reach an arm over my head, I can see skin slide over individual ribs.  My hip and pelvic bones take the brunt of bumps and bangs because they jut out.  I can't laugh those belly-buster laughs that I was famous for because my lungs don't seem to be able to handle as much volume.  My veins in my hands are constantly visible and I can play volleyball and softball with the nieces without worrying that I'm gonna have a heart attack rounding second.  I walk passed people I've known my whole life and they have no clue who I am.

I know how they feel.  I don't really know who I am either.  I feel like my soul snuck out of my body and hopped into someone else's.  Everyday I wake up with this body and wonder there the hell it came from.  I'm just so foreign in my own skin.  Overwhelmingly grateful, but just sort of foreign.

After the 8th month mark, things changed.  When I had my surgery, I stopped doing everything that I enjoyed.  Dunno why, really.  But I sort of woke up after that 8th month.  I started knitting again.  I started cooking and baking with a renewed interest.  I began reading and watching movies and well, living.  Happily and unencumbered.

So, I've lost 140 lbs.  I don't really know what happens after this.  I may lose more or I could gain a few, which I hear is normal.  Doesn't sound so appealing to me, though.  I hope to not stick out in a crowd ever again.  Being noticed is overrated.  Give me my reclusive lifestyle anyday of the week. 

I've lost 123 lbs.  I find myself worrying about the amount of food I eat and food choices in general.  I'm afraid of going back to bad habits.  Thankfully I'm on a fruit kick right now.  My fridge is stocked with fresh pineapple, apples, peaches, strawberries, grapes, cherries and kiwis.  Yum!  Oh, and get this.  I went fishing in our pond and caught couple of bass and bluegill.  And.... I ATE them!!  Delicious!  I tried deep fried chicken and had to puke in a public restroom!! I was trying so hard to be quiet that I puked on my foot and pant leg.  Delightful.  That's what I get for trying to eat greasy grub.

So, my joints hurt pretty badly now.  I suspect arthritis.  I'm faithfully taking my calcium supplements.  I was doing the Citracal petites but had so much pain that I decided to switch to the stuff my mom takes for her DS supplements, which is a HUGE liquid filled calcium carbonate vitamin.  I notice that if I sit longer than 10 minutes then my joints all freeze.  It's hard to say if the liquid calcium is helping yet.   My mom had a bone density scan test done last year and everything was perfect, so I'm hopeful for the new supplement.

Ugh, but I still can't shake this weird head funk thing.  I'm so very stuck in my head.  I'm so angry.  I try hard to hide it and am trying to figure it all out and deal with it.  I hate that my face is ravaged by a perpetually hungry, angry look.  I can sit for hours and just think.  That's not a good thing.  I'm not lamenting over bad thoughts; I'm yearning for something.  The problem is... I don't know what the hell that something is!  I'm discontent.  That's the perfect word.  I'm so annoying that I'd like to kick my own ass.   Speaking of ass, I've stopped buying undies.  At least for now.  I haven't bought a new pair of panties in a month.  It's like shaking an addiction off.  "My name is Sara and I'm a recovering panty-buying addict."  Baby steps.

Let's see... I've lost 117 lbs.  I'm under 200 lbs!!!! It's so fuh-reaking awesome!!!!  I don't even remember when I was under 200 lbs!  Woo Hoo!!!

All righty, enough hootin' and hollerin'.  I went back to the gym for 2 weeks of swimming bliss.  I did well, although I'm woefully out of shape.  Then for some reason I can't figure out, I stopped eating properly again.  Gees!!  I'm such an idiot.  So began the collapsing and fatigue.  I'm still struggling to get back up to the quality and quantity of food I was consuming so that I can go back to the gym.  My mom fell on a wet tarp and broke her finger and ripped open her elbow, so swimming would have been out of the question for her anyways.  She's almost healed and I'm almost stable enough for vigorous exercise again, so there's some silver lining for ya.  I'm hopeful for next week.

Weight loss is so slow!!!  [whine]  I'm losing, so I shouldn't complain.  Actually, I'm not going to because this month I lost inches!!!  I needed a dress for my niece's confirmation and my mom insisted that I try on some of her dresses.  She seems so much more smaller than me.  Can you believe her dresses all fit?!!!  She wears a 12/14!   I tried on pants and capris and they all fit!  Maybe a bit tight, but not horribly.   

I managed a 6 hour walk around the Columbus Zoo last week and survived.  I even had a back pack filled with water strapped to my back.  I kept pushing water on everyone so the thing would lighten up!!  Ugh, my back was killing me, but all in all I was comfortable.  That would never have ever been before my surgery.  I would have been lucky to get in 2 hours without having a meltdown. 

I won't jinx myself on pooping.  I've been lucky the last 2 weeks.  I increased my dose of Amitiza and Colace and so far, so good.  Again, not gonna jinx myself.  I still puke when I eat too fast or when things irritate my pouch, but that has gotten 100 times better.  Oddly enough, it's sugar free candy that makes me hurl over the moon.  Hell, I don't want candy that bad! 

I'm starting to feel more normal.  Really.  Finally.  Pooping helps.  I have noticed some things since I haven't been focusing so much on my bowels.  My joints are killing me.  I dont' know if it's a Calcium issue or what.  Also, I have killer menstrual cramps, but since my periods have gotten lighter and normal, I won't whine about it.  I have upper back pain now, too.  It's because of my breasts.  I'm going to google some back strengthening exercises.  And I've got some weird emotional stuff cropping up.  It has everything to do with the surgery. It's hard to explain.  I feel like I need to run and instead I'm tethered.  I don't know.  I'm keeping my feelings bottled up like a good trooper and so far no one has noticed except one of my nieces.  She's too intuned with people.  I'll have to try harder to smother my feelings.  I'm keeping busy so that helps.  Maybe I'll hit one of the support groups this month and see what's shakin'. 

I am 8 months post op today and down 111 lbs.  The weight loss is super slow now, but hopefully I'll be changing that soon with more exercise.  I haven't gone back to the gym yet due to left over weakness from stupidly starving myself, but I feel so much better that tomorrow I will be trying the gym.  I'm excited!!  I'm going with my mom so that I have an exercise buddy to keep me in line.

I feel so much better.  I'm re-testing all the foods that gave me problems and even managed a bit of beef last night, chewed super slow.  It went fine I'm pleased to report.  The whole secret, once again, is to eat  S L O W.  ALthough I did upchuck muchroom ravioli last Saturday.  It got down in my pouch and fought its way back up.  Not pretty, but I've gotten much better with that, too.

The only thing bothering me now is the fact that I'm ready to go back to work as a nurse... but the economy isn't ready for me.  A local hospital laid off a bunch of nurses (mostly LPNs) so the work force is jammed with nurses.  Where do I fit in?  I'm thinking of going back for my RN.  Ugh!  I loathe the thought.  I hate school of any kind.  Online or class room; it all sucks.

Oh, and my GP prescribed a poop pill for me and I'm getting regular!!!!!!  This is more exciting than the invention of electricity to me.  The pill is called Amitiza.  I take that AND my 2 Colaces.  I occasionally have to take M.O.M., but it's significant progress. 

I bought a pair of cute capris in a size 16.  It's weird to walk into a store and buy from the "normal" people's department.  I still look through the plus sized stuff, though.  I noticed I have an underwear fetish now.  I buy undies constantly.  What's up with that?  I've heard of a shoe transfer, but underwear????   Hmmm. 

I had to count to figure out how far out I was.  As of March 11th, I am 7 months post op. Talk about taxing my brain.    First off, I feel GREAT.  Ah, but what a journey to feel that way... thanks to my own stupidity.

My gp discovered that I had high blood pressure.  Yes, high.  (160/110)  And I was still collapsing and feeling exhausted and weak.  I was having periods of tachycardia, then almost bradycardia, which I think is somewhat normal for post surgical weight loss patients.  I had to wear a stupid heart monitor and record the symptomatic events (which for some reason irritated me).  However, before the heart monitor was even placed on, everything clicked into place.

I took myself off my birth control pill and within 7-8 days, my blood pressure was back to normal.  Even if I exercise or am having some kind of melt down, my blood pressure stays pretty low and steady.  So, the mystery of my high blood pressure was solved.  I was only on the pill for about 3 months, so eh, whatcha gonna do?

Then, I recorded my food intake and plugged it into a handy website called the Daily Plate.  I was consuming between 400-500 calories per day.  I called my nutritionist who told me that I need a good 1200 calories if I am exercising.  Ooops!  So, over the next week, I concentrated on upping my calories and PROTEIN, which I was admittedly lacking.  And I began to feel so much better!!  My dizzy spells were few and far between and I went for 15 vigorous minutes on my bike and did NOT collapse!!  I have to say, though... increasing calories and protein has been one hell of a struggle.  After 20 years of dieting, I find it extremely difficult NOT restricting my food intake.  It's part of my DNA.  All that dieting had more of an emotional effect than I had ever anticipated.

I have to say, I sound like the world's dumbest human.  Starving myself?  I'm a nurse who knows better and I have researched the hell out of this surgery and knew in the back of my mind that I wasn't consuming enough.  That's why in the past month, I've only lost 4 lbs.  I gained, then lost, gained and lost.  It was a horrible circle that I created out of fear and ignorance.  I've lost a grand total of 105 lbs, but thanks to me, I caused a stall that I'm still struggling like the devil to break. 

However, I did buy a Wii.  Holy smokes!!  The boxing feature is a sweat inducing, heart pounding event that makes my arms burn.  It's noteworthy to mention that I knocked my husband out on our first try.  Oh, it's so fun!! I wish every weight loss patient had a Wii.  Between my bike and the Wii, I'm getting exercise.  I think next week I'm going to attempt to return to the gym and do some swimming and weights.  I have to make sure I have a high protein, high calorie meal before exercising, though.   Besides, I want to keep KOing my husband on the Wii.  Gotta have stamina and strength for that!!

I figured I should probably mention that I lost 100 lbs.  Triple digits, baby!!  Whoo hoo!!!!!  Actually, I'm really too shocked to wax poetic on it. 

I decided to go full force with exerise.  I want to be strong and healthy, by George.  To hell with my low blood pressure!!  I went like a bat outta hell on my recumbent bike.  Fifteen minutes of vigorous cycling.  I felt wonderful and oh so proud.  I even did a slow down and walked a bit afterwards.  Then, I sat in a chair and sipped on some water.  I stood up and BAM!!! Passed out and hit the floor like a rock.  Damn, damn, damn!!!!  I want to exercise!!  How can I be strong if I don't exercise.  I want stamina and endurance.  I want to be able to run and act foolish with my nieces and nephews.  Well, I guess I can still act foolish, but I really wanted to run and do physical activities. I'm trying to get into prime shape for spring.  How the hell am I going to do that if everytime I do any kind of moderate exercise, I pass out and feel like shit all day? 

So, I have different goals.  I'm so happy with the weight I've lost so far.  It's too amazing to even describe.  I'm overwhelmed, humbled and GRATEFUL.  Yes, I want to lose more weight but more importantly, I want to get FIT.  I just have to figure out a way to get around the low blood pressure aspect. 

One hundred pounds!!!!!!  Whoo hoo!!!!!!! 

I think I'm six months post op, although to be honest, I've lost count.  I'm somewhere between 5 and 6 months.  I don't know.  I'm all jacked outta shape.  Let's see, I've lost 93 lbs.  Ugh.  Let me back track to a bunch of stuff I haven't blogged about.

I went on a nasty birth control pill (Lo-Ovral) for constant, horrible bleeding and it caused me to gain weight and go pretty psycho.  I'm still feeling the effects.  I'm so stuck in my head that I can't see a way out.  It's madness in its purest form.  That pill pissed me off in more ways than one.  Weight gain?!  You have to be out of your melon to think that I'm going to take a pill to make me gain weight!  I lost like 8 lbs in the month that I took that devil pill, and that included the 3lbs I gained.  So, I'm off that pill and trying a drug combo of Glucophage and Yaz.  I have to admit that combo is my idea.  I'm trying to think outside the box.

And I stopped taking my iron pill.  I'm wondering what Dr. Lalor will say to that.  He probably won't be too thrilled considering my bleeding issues. Hey, my labs came back all right.  I stopped taking my iron pill because I have to be able to poop.  There are just certain things you have to do.  Pooping is one of them.  Between the heavy bleeding and constipation, I snapped.  Something had to give. 

I have orthostatic hypotension.  This is a bitch.  This means that if I stand up too fast, I sort of fall to the ground.  All right, let's just say it... I sort of pass out.  Now, I don't know if the surgery caused this or if it was the severe bleeding.  This also means that exercising is touch and go.  I can ride my recumbent bike for 10 minutes, but if I push for 15 minutes, then I'll "pass out" throughout the day.  I really hate calling it passing out.  I mean, everything goes white and I fall to the floor, but I'm coherent.  I don't think it's passing out in the traditional sense. 

Now, the good stuff, which out weighs the bad quite largely.  I'm smaller than my husband for the first time in history.  My bones are very, very pronounced.  Sometimes I lay in bed and run my hands over my rib cage and hip bones, and feel the way my belly sinks inward instead of protrudes.  It's so surreal.  Although I did discover upon comparison to my family that I have HUGE bones.  My hip bones are massive.  My shoulder and clavicle bones are much bigger than most of the other women in my family, with the exception of my mom and one of my nieces.  We are German, what can I say?  I think back to all of the times I had accidents that should have broken my bones but never did.  I guess I know why now.  And I bought a pair of jeans the other day.  They were a size I haven't worn since the 8th grade.  I bawled, of course, when I  tried them on in the dressing room.  Ninety-three pounds.  I hope and pray I lose more and am so grateful for what I've all ready lost.  I don't know how I can possibly thank Dr. Lalor for giving me my life back.

Food wise, things are going much better.  I have a routine and am strictly compliant. I eat only fresh organic foods.  I'm on  a fruit, veggie and nut kick right now.  I went for one month without vomiting, but the other day I made a spinach, mushroom, cheese and egg quiche and I don't really know what happened but I puked so hard that I swear I cracked a rib.  Ugh!  It was horrendous.  So, I'm off spinach, mushrooms, cheese AND eggs for a while.  Damn quiche!

I started eating eggs over easy.  Well, just one egg, actually.  It seems like when I eat an egg, the next morning, a pound slips away.  I don't really tolerate the egg well, but I am in desperate need of protein.  I usually have to have my rescue cracker after words to prevent vomiting.  So, this month has been a good one for weight loss.  I've now lost a total of 75 lbs.  

I do, of course, have a bitch.  Well, two bitches rather.  The first is that my nemesis constipation is back with a vengeance.   Nothing is really working for me.  Milk of Mag actually let me down.  I am so damn fed up with constipation that it has really had me re-evaluating this surgery.   Constipation is an everyday issue that prevents me from being normal.  Every goddamn day I have to worry about what I'm eating and how it will effect my pooping.  I get my fluids in easily due to the fear of adding to the constipation issue.  Nothing like fear to drive you into submission.

The second bitch is on a larger scale.  I've been on my period for...well....ever?  I would comfortably say that in the last 4 months since surgery, I've bled 80% of the time.  I doubled up on my iron pills for a while and had labs drawn to make sure I wasn't anemic or anything.  I wasn't.  My normal doc is out for a medical emergency, so I've been seeing a temp guy.  He put me on BCPs, Yaz.  It doesn't really do anything to stop my bleeding.  He gave me Provera eventually and it stopped for a few days, but it's back now.  He now wants to discuss my options, which include high doses of hormones that I can not in any way tolerate or ablation, which obliterates any chances of a baby.  I hate both options, so I haven't gone back yet. I'm waiting for it to stabilize on my own and for my regular doc to come back so I can get a second opinion.  Good idea or lack or reality??

I have dizzy spells often and am quite fatigued.  Whether it's from the surgery or the periods, I don't know.  Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in a month because I've felt so tired and worn down.  I couldn't finish my workout, but it's a start.  And for some reason, my pouch has been a raving bitch all week.  Maybe she's on her period, too.  I barfed the last two days like a mad woman on stuff I've been eating all along. 

I'm not as upbeat as usual, but hormones make me mean, so I think that has a lot to do with it.  I'm still so grateful for the weight loss and even through all of this crap that makes me crazy and miserable, can you believe I'm still happy?  What a masochist I am.

If I was British, I would say that I've lost 4 stones today.  I rather like the whole "stones" saying.  Makes me feel like eating spotted dick and having afternoon tea.   

A stone, by the by, is 14 lbs.  So, I've lost 56 lbs.  Today is my 3 month surgiversary. 

I finally feel like a normal human again.  Tonight, for example, I ate Beef Chow Mein out of a can.  Not the greatest food, but eh, it had veggies and meat.  I'm not really eating it for taste.  I can eat somewhat normal foods now, but really hone in on protein.  And I really need to kick fruits up a notch.  The constipation thing has been remedied, as long as I follow a routine.  

I did make a rather gruesome discovery.  I decided to introduce protein shakes back in with dismal results.  You see, I've been having mouth sores.  Thinking that maybe it was a low protein thing, I decided to try a shake, since my bowels were performing somewhat normally.   That one and only shake constipated me and caused yet another impaction, although a very small one.  I didn't have to go to the ER.  So, I am so not doing the protein shake again unless I feel like spending a day in hell.

I'll still barf if I eat too fast, which sadly yes, still continues to happen from time to time.  I used to be a speed eater, so this will come with time.  (I've barfed 6 times since surgery, not too bad by some standards.)

I'm delighted by the weight I've lost so far.  I'm even more delighted by how much energy I have.  I don't remember being this able.  I'm getting my strength back, but I've heard rumors that I won't be as strong as I used to be, which sorely bothers me.  I'm used to breaking down tractor tires and carrying extremely heavy items.  Now, I have to make sure I don't give myself a hernia. 

My shin bone.  Wow, when I first noticed it, I went around and felt everyone elses to see if it was normal to have a bone so prominently close to the skin surface.  Weird.

I broke down and went to Goodwill for a couple pair of pants and some shirts, mostly sweatshirts, since I am cold all of the time now.  I figured it was time since my clothes are literally hanging on me.  Oh, and during a cleaning spree, I pulled out  my wedding dress and slipped it on.  It hung like a pretty silk bag on me.  It was both wonderful and a bit sad.

Anywho, this is my monthly update on my weight loss.  I've lost 4 stones.  Indeed.  I say boy, ring the maid, I'd like my spotted dick now.