grannymedic1

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I have been maintaining my weight at 135 and that is good. I feel great and that is good. My blood pressure and cholesterol are trending upward again and that is not good. It is a family thing but I had hopes that since I have been off statins since I got my band and off the bp meds since my sleeve that I would be able to stay off them. Well, since I did all of this for my health I guess if meds are needed I will cooperate.

At my 6 months checkup my surgeon was pleased with everything until I asked him if getting stuck and having to bring food back up was normal at that point. He was emphatic that it was not normal and scheduled me for another endoscopy and stretched another stricture (Number 3). It seems to have worked and I am eating much more normally now. I still haven't tried steak and I am really hungry for a very tender rib eye. As soon as it is grilling weather here in our neck of the woods I will try some.

My eating has been terrible for the past 2 weeks and I need to get back on program but never forget how it was before wls and I could never stop a binge. I have that power now and I appreciate it. I wish I still didn't have the binge bug inside but it never, ever, gets as bad as it ddid back then. I could probably still eat 8 candy bars at a time but I have not done so in 3 years. I remember times when I did that and later went back for more. I don't do that now. My binges are nothing in comparison but they bother me so they need to be dealt with. Because of the things I have learned since wls I no longer beat myself up for being less than perfect. I don't even aim for perfect; I just try to learn from my mistakes. Some lessons are bigger than others as are the mistakes. I feel as if the best thing I can do is to not pressure myself and to learn what I can. I am not a failure nor have I failed if I eat things that are not in my best interests. In fact that is all those so called "bad foods" are. They are not inherently evil, just not in my best interest. If I choose to let myself eat them I have to understand that there may be consequences such as increased cravings, weight gain, continuing until it becomes a full out binge. They are my decisions to make and there is no program that fits everyone. Every person has to find their own way and should not expect others to fit into the same program. I have just decided on something I can live with the rest of my life.

Now, about exercise. I wimped out this winter, totally. Due to financial constraints I couldn't join the gym or take classes and I just didn't walk but rarely. Part of it is my hubbie being worried I would fall on ice but most of it was just me being lazy. While there hasn't been a weight gain I have found my midsection being more flabby and I know I have lost more muscle tone. I'm just waiting until the cold moderates and is less windy.

Dealing with Alzheimers has consumed a large part of my life the past several months and I really need to get out walking just for stress relief, especially while I can. I really look forward to doing some swimming , too. Of course most of my beach time consists of sitting in my chair, right in the water, and reading. Talk about relaxing. I just try to get some activity in so I don't look too lazy. Gardening season is getting close, too. I don't do much real heavy duty yard or garden work but just walking back and forth multiple times gets me moving and it is another stress reliever I treasure. I do feel guilty about not doing more exercise but don't feel guilty enough to get out and do it heavily. I ride my bike but not large distances just mostly around town but when you add up the smaller amounts it is enough for me. Now if I could convince myself to do it consistently, year round.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I began maintenance 5 months after getting my lap band and managed for 2 years with fairly good results. Yes, I would go off on binges and gain some weight then get back on track and lose it again. I will say that I never made it to my goal weight again, but overall I kept all but 8 pounds off most of the time.

Here I am again, post sleeve 4 months out and with a 25 pound weight loss and entering maintenance again. I have ben thinking about what this means recently. No, it is not the strict losing diet it was with my first loss. Nor do I want a very loose unstructured thing like I used to maintain with my band. This time I truly want to maintain a healthful diet free of white carbs or other junk. What? Can I never have any goodies Do I have to be perfect? Nope, not what I meant. I want this time to be weighed, measured, and logged. I don't want to have "treats" on a regular basis. Some people can handle it but I can't. It is just too easy to revert to old patterns of grazing, eating sweets, skipping meals, etc. I want this time to be something to maintain life long. I want to make new habits so secure that they are not easily put aside. Nor do I want to get on that slippery slope again. I did it far too often with my band and have been doing it now. 

I might as well put it out there right now. I have been grazing the majority of the time, and eating far too much junk. I have not been getting in all of my protein nor getting enough water. By far. I have rationalized it as that I can have those things right now without fear of gaining weight. Bull pucky! Since when did fear of gaining weight ever stop me? Never that's when, except for sometimes before my revision. My rationalizations are legendary. Take the peanut butter cookie one I figured out years before wls. Peanut butter comes from peanuts, which are a legume. Legumes are very good for you. There are eggs in the cookies, which are also good for you. There is sugar and isn't that bad? Nope. Sugar is made, primarily, from sugar beets. Beets are a vegetable and therefore good for you. Then there is the flour, white of course, it is made from a grain and grains are good for you, too. Of course there is butter, but that comes from milk which is very good for you. THEREFORE peanut butter cookies are practically health food! The ice cream one was just about as good. It included the little known fact that when you freeze all those good for you things you also concentrate the calcium so that makes it important to have often.

Seriously, we had lots of fun with those rationalizations for something we were going to eat one way or the other anyway. Now it is time to put away the nonsense and quit rationalizing. I need to find my way in this maintenance maze to some thing I can live with forever. I don't expect to become perfect, nor will I beat myself up when I eat foods outside of my normal eating plan. That is the point right there... Part. Of. My. Normal. Eating. The occasion of eating something else must be planned in advance, less than once a month, and not continued with leftovers. There should not be room for spur of the moment things, or "just because it is there". There should be no room for "just a bite" or I would feel left out.

This is serious stuff this weight loss surgery thing. I got 80% of my stomach removed, gone forever. This is my last chance. I make good now or risk failing grandly. That would mean returning to the shame that was a constant part of my life. Shame about how I looked but also shame about the way I ate. My patterns were far from normal as to be nearly insane. An addict is an addict is an addict. Do I want that back in even a minimized  way? No I can't handle that. If so, then the only thing to do is to put new habits to use. I need to journal, daily. I need to be very very mindful of my eating. I need to detox. I need to get my head in the right place. I think that is going to be my major issue. I made a great start at it when I got my band and was new with it. I just never quite finished. The program has to start again, now.

I am not sure where this will lead me but I sure am going to find out. Starting today.

I had my 3 month check up this week and all looks good. My surgeon says it is normal to not be able to handle meat at this point but before I return for my 6 month I should be doing fine with it. I hope so. I feel good and am enjoying my sleeve, mostly. I think it is just more difficult for me because I loved my band so much.

Thanksgiving was a great day with my family, my 84 year old parents, and my sister and her husband from Tenn. When my sister, Karen saw me she said it wasn'tt fair that I was wearing a size 8 pants. She claims she couldn't if her life depended on it. She has always been the skinny one but she has more butt than me and I am thicker in the torso. As for dinner that didn't go so great with eating. Things I thought I could handle didn't work. I ended up having to bring it all back up, yet that has been rare for me for a while. I tried some different things last night and same thing. I think my tummy was too irritated by then. What I did not expect to tolerate but decided to risk was pecan pie. 1/24 size piece went down just fine. Now that is something to be thankful for! Honestly I knew ahead of time that it all would be iffy so it isn't a big deal. The company was what was important so I didn't feel deprived. I would have avoided more of it than I did but my mother kept eying my plate. She freaks about how little I eat though I keep reassuring her that it is normal and that I get my nutrients other ways. You know how mothers are. The dog liked the tidbits I kept sneaking to him. He was very very thankful. lol

It feels very good to not have food as my primary focus.

I am now nearly 9 weeks out from my revision. I have been doing much, much better and have quit the "Buyers Remorse" thing. The sleeve is still difficult for me to adapt to but I am gradually doing it. I have been able to eat much more normal food the past week with good results. I still don't have a clear idea of my stop signal but have been relying on the feeling of "One bite more and there will be trouble" feeling. I still miss being able to drink several swallows at a time. My 2 medium sized sips are not enough to quench thirst and I have to wait a time after I take them in order to do more. I have the same problem with liquids as I do food; a bit too much causes suffering and may well come flying back at me.

We took a couple of days this week to go camping. The first two days were lovely but yesterday we had to pack up in a break from the rain. Today we have rain and cold. It makes me not want to move. We sure needed the time away since we have been running constantly since late July. The few times away we have caught have been sanity savers. Today we are driving the hour to our daughters' new house in order to install cabinet hardware on her kitchen cabinets, plant some perennials I dropped off last week, and help unpack. With being a single mom with 3 kids in lots of activities, a full time job, and cerebral palsy it is not easy for her to do it herself. The big move was last Fri. We got all the beds set up and furniture placed but oh my the boxes! It took her till mid week to find her phones. The wireless router is still missing as well as the box of remotes. I am glad it is not me doing it. We have been here 38 years on Halloween and there is stuff every where. Just having to sort it all would be overwhelming. I try to get rid of stuff but more comes in somehow. I will be delighted, though, to take this daughter and children the things I have been storing in an upstairs bedroom for 4 years now.

Back to wls for a moment. Since my revision I have done a lot of thinking (and some cussing). I have done some going back to the beginning of the whole process and what I have learned. I have learned to respect myself. I have learned something that has been most important to me; I don't have to be perfect. If I have bad days or even weeks it is not the end of things. I don''t have to continue to binge, eating more and more of the old foods as if they would never be there again. I don't have to berate myself. What a relief that was to learn, I have been my own worst critic and enemy since I was about 6. No one could possibly beat me up more than I did myself.

I have also learned to enjoy going out in public, shopping, all those fun things we never wanted to do before. I recently went to a wedding and reception that I once would have blown off. I was running a bit late and when I pulled out the outfit I had planned to wear it had gotten wrinkled in the closet. I didn't have time to deal with it so I picked something else. Do you hear that? I could just reach in and get out something else, change jewelry, and be on my way. It turned out to be a happy thing because I got lots of comments about how great I looked. In fact the dress looked better than it ever had before. Even my 84 year old mother said "That dress looks HOT on you"! I was worried she would fret about me being too thin since I am a few pounds too low. She did worry about the small amount I ate and how long it took but I keep telling her that once I am past the 3-4 month point or at the worst 6 month, I will be able to eat more and in a slightly shorter time. Actually I was thrilled that I could eat REAL food and keep it down.

I have more "\things I have Learned" to review so I will update my list next time.

Sue
Down to 138 pounds, previous low was 145. I had regained some so that between the start of the revision process and two weeks ago I have lost 25 pounds. The hard way....puking and calorie depletion. I will allow some regain  but I suspect my sleeve will remain stricter with me than my band did.

In 4 days I will be 6 weeks out from my revision. I can eat a bit more and feel much better but still cannot eat much. Unless I am super well hydrated every thing I eat gets "stuck" and has to come back up. When I am hydrated I can eat better but mostly purees and soft stuff. Egg beaters are a no, but oatmeal that is thick works as long as I chew it. Solids are a long way off. This is so different from the band. At 6 weeks out from that I ate steak! It is funny though, the one thing that I can really handle well is Wasa crackers. I love them and they go down when nothing else will.

Last weekend I thought I was developing another stricture and was very discouraged but suddenly the pipes opened and I could eat and drink again. What a relief. We celebrated by going camping. Being where I couldn't watch my scale and not a lot of extra to eat I lost another 2 pounds. I am 5 pounds below my previous goal of 145. At least I don't look as scary as a few weeks ago! I still claim my ears look too big for my head. I really don't want to lose any more but I cannot get in enough calories to make a difference. I drink SoBee, use V8 Splash to mix my shakes, add sugar to my tea, etc. I guess I will be able to adjust that later and regain some. Oh my gosh! Regain? Isn't that a dirty word? I feel guilt about the sugar and high cal, full fat foods and drinks and now I am talking regain? Something is seriously wrong here.

Three days ago I had my second endoscopy to dilate a stricture and my fifth time of needing fluids. I am doing better now and the past three days I have been able to get in nearly all of my protein. The meds aren't going so well but I am getting one of them that I really need.

I still can only get in a tiny bit of food or a small amount of fluid at a time or it all comes back up but over all I am keeping more down. I have gotten to around 700-780 calories a day which is good but I sure am going to go therough sugar withdrawal when I can get the calories without added sugar. Right now I need the calories to survive but it is going to be a fight at some point.

I am stronger daily and am able to stay busy around the house as long as I don't pick anything taxing to do. I still can't go for a nice walk or bike ride, though. I just don't have that kind of energy or stamina. My muscles are very weak especially those in my back. A shopping trip would probably kill me.

Over all I am much more positive than I was and at nearly three weeks out I can begin to see myself liking my new sleeve, later. For now I consider it an unforgiving bitch but that will change. The learning curve is harder than I expected, is all.

I haven't updated this in forever and it really shows.

I lost all my weight with my band, and have done great. Well, mostly. This past winter I picked up some weight but considering it in the grand scheme of things it wasn't terrible. That and it scared me enough to start being careful again, lest I return to what I was. Our compulsions never leave and I can tell myself that I have learned new ways of eating but I know deep down that the old habits could come back full force and leave me in a mess if I didn't have a tool to help me.

This brings me to the next part. In April I suddenly noticed that I had been getting stuck much more often and that it wasn't always me being careless. When I woke up to this my band had tightened (I know, the band does not tighten, it is tissue swelling around it), to a point that plain yogurt was iffy in the morning and many dinners I would only get a bite or two down before having to stop. One night I got really hungry and knew that the rest of dinner wasn't going to work so I let some Life cereal get soggy and started to eat it. When that wouldn't go down I called the surgeons office the next morning.

They took me in for a total unfill and sent me for an UGI (which was normal). We waited 2 weeks and I was still very tight so I scheduled an appointment with the surgeon. At that time we agreed to wait another 6 weeks to see what happened. Well, I improved, but not enough. At that appointment the surgeon announce that my band had to come out. I cried.

We sent in the request for approval for revision to a vsg to the insurance but didn't hold out much hope. I was losing weight (by then I had de=carbed), my bmi is low and there was nothing we could prove was wrong. Surprisingly they approved!  On Aug. 21 I had my band out and was revised to a sleeve. The kicker of it is that there was nothing wrong with the band, no scar tissue, no erosion, slip, adhesions, etc. Just a nice little band and me with tissues that like to swell for unknown reason.

Since I had been practically leaping tall buildings 10 days after my band, ( mowing lawn, 45 minute walks, rototilling my garden and planting) I figured this would be slower but comparable. HAH! Silly woman. I feel as if I have been pulled backward through a knot hole and worse. It started the evening after surgery with what felt like horrible trapped gas. It was as if I had a huge belch trapped dead center in my chest that could not be relieved. It was agonizing and didn't relieve no matter what they gave me. The next morning I went for my UGI leak check and could only swallow a very tiny amount of the contrast before practically flipping out. They had to stop. Fortunately no leaks but it showed an obstruction... of swollen tissue. Only the tiniest trickle of contrast went through. I had surgery on Tues. a.m. and didn't leave until Fri. noon. The whole time I was in misery. I convinced them I could get the protein down so they discharged me. By Sunday night very little was going in so they sent me to an infusion center on Mon. and I got 2 liter bags of IV fluid, 100 ml of vitamins and another 100 ml of decadron to reduce swelling. Gosh I felt better!

I was good on Tues. but weaker on Wed. and it finally dawned on me that I was getting in 1/4tsp. sips but they weren't enough to take a pill and I had then been a full week without mine. I went back in and they scheduled me for an endoscopy and more fluids for Fri. By that time I was so weak I could hardly hold myself upright. During the endo they opened me back up to the desired 12-15 cm. and said that if we needed to do it again it wasn't a problem. Better to do it again than make it too loose.

I am doing much better, getting 1/2 my fluids and 1/2 my protein (at the same time) and had my 2 week post op appointment today. What concerns me is that since we got home (I am still much too weak to drive) not much has wanted to go down, again. If I continue to have this I will call back in. Now that I know that I don't need to panic I am more likely to be able to swallow. I am even getting most of my meds, though on occasion they come flying back.

From the first night I was up all night bringing up huge quantities of phlegm and slime (TMI) and coughing a lot. That has improved a great deal as well and am able to sleep fairly well. I just need many more hours than most.

This has been very difficult for me to write because nothing in me wanted to go through with all this. I have had terrible buyers remorse and struggled with discouragement, isolation, disappointment, and all the rest. Then, Sunday morning when I felt like crap and was nearly too weak to do my down the meds walk around the yard God started talking to me. He asked me to think back to around 3 years ago and why I started to think of wls. I remember I was 214 pounds on a 5'4" frame, most of it belly. I had been diagnosed diabetic, had a crappy family history of cardiac and stroke, my cholesterol was around 489, my blood pressure wasn't being controlled with my meds, my asthma was worse, I had sleep apnea, pain all over, and had a crappy quality of life. I was approaching my 60th birthday and knew I was dying. We lost a daughter/sister/mother/granddaughter/beloved aunt unexpectedly 5 years ago and I knew what my family has gone through. I couldn't justify putting them back in that position because I couldn't control my eating by myself. The decision was made for wls.

After looking back and changing perspective I am now ready to move forward. I am back at my goal weight (145 and was 162 the day of surgery) I am not doing this to be thin. I just don't want to die so I will work this tool as hard as I did my band.

We are back in Michigan, having left Baton Rouge on last Thurs. and Gulfport one week ago. We had plans to visit an old friend of ours then to have a real treat for me, to meet Jean M.! Unfortunately we were both having a lot of pain and those stops would have added an extra day to the trip. I was very disappointed to say the least. Anyway, we stayed Fr. night and Sat. with my sister at College Grove Tenn. and my 82 year old parents also arrived on their way home from Myrtle Beach. Lon and I got home Sunday evening to the joy of 7 of 9 grandchildren and our 2 daughters (and grand dogs) at our house. I needed all those hugs! Our two 10 year old grandsons unpacked the car with the help of the 5 and 6 year old boys. The 2 year old pretended shy, the dogs raised a ruckus playing and running with ours, and our 12 and 15 year old grand daughters hung up and put away all the clothing. Some how I came home with much more than I left with. Hmmm..... shopping at my favorite consignment shop was fun but we had to leave out my bag of books just to make room. Son is under instruction to bring them next time he comes here.

I am set to have xrays of my hip, I start PT on Tues. and I will have a consult with my pain specialist today and get my facet injections Wed. unless he suggests going another direction. The ride actually helped me some because I wasn't up walking but it has killed me since we have been home because in spite of the wretched weather I want to be out wandering my yard and garden, want to pick up all the fallen sticks and even move a few plants. Raking seems impossible and Lon won't be able to do it, either. His long ago back injury has been very painful, too. We are quite the pair.

The final tally on weight gain for the winter was 9 pounds up from goal and 13 up from my lowest. I am down 4 pounds already but the lack of exercise has caused all the toning at my midsection to revert to loose and floppy. Ewwww! I should be able to begin improving that during PT. I hate the thought of going through pt again because I spent all fall doing it for my upper back and it is not only time consuming but makes me feel worse up until the last 2-3 weeks. Right during my most important yard and garden time of the year. Booo! Well, it is time to adjust my attitude and get on with doing what I need to do for quality of life.

Doing what I need to for quality of life. That is something I have been thinking of and working on for over a year now. It began when I began thinking of wls. I sure had no quality then. I didn't know what all this would entail but I soon discovered that it would touch every facet of my life. One of the first things I had to deal with, and will continue to do battle with forever, is the frustration that I would no longer be able to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. Of course, at first I believed I would never be able to eat certain things, again.  That was a falsehood. I truly had to be strict that way for a long time. Otherwise I would not have had the impetus to continue losing my weight. I did, however, allow a very few treats along the way. Never, ever, at home. After binging between Thanksgiving and Christmas I began to scare myself because it was so like old times. I wasn't as bad as I would have been, due to the things I have learned, but it was scary wondering if I would ever make it all the way back. Over the winter I had some relatively bad times. Not all bad, though.
 
Being a perfectionist and the harshest critic I have I expect nothing less than perfection of myself. Didn't I learn about that several months ago? You bet. And I needed to revisit that. I discovered that one cupcake doesn't have to become two and that a dozen doesn't have to become a months worth. I discovered again, that while I strive to make wise choices and stay away from my trigger foods, it doesn't always happen. That does not make me a failure. Gaining a few pounds doesn't make me a failure. Losing my exercise momentum doesn't make me a failure. Only giving up would make me a failure. My band does exactly what I wanted it to. It gives me a fighting chance to succeed. I do the rest. I like it that way. I have to choose to do what it takes to improve quality of life and if it causes me discomfort, unease, or even pain, I can either cave in or benefit from the hard work.

I will continue to stress to each newbie that whichever tool they choose it is still up to them. So, onward and upward for me.

We are in Gulfport, Ms. and loving it. The weather is glorious right now. I have been to the beach twice this week and look forward to more this week. Since we are just about a 6 minute drive I can do it easily. The dog loves to go at low tide and race around and swim from sand bar to sand bar. He always wants me to go with him, except when he is off to chase birds. I am not required to do that, lol.

The down side of this is that I am still fighting the pain in my right hip that has been going on since Thanksgiving. I am beginning to get very discouraged because it makes it difficult to get out and do anything. To get down to the water causes pain, to wade a bit hurts, to get back to the car is absolutely excruciating. If we go out antiquing or shopping for a couple hours I am down on the sofa the rest of that day and frequently all of the next. The lack of exercise is showing on my upper abdomen, which also is discouraging.

It is also more difficult to ignore cravings when stuck inside, so that has been troublesome at times. Over all I am doing fairly well with my eating, just not perfect. I remember when the inability to do it perfectly would have really set me off. I have really made progress with that. Yeah, it was easier when I could be really strict with myself, but I also know I can't live that way forever.

I am noticing that I am getting hungry sooner that I have for a long time. The unfill I had before the new year is finally setting in. If we don't go home early it will be late April before I get another one. I will just do the best I can. I am eating slightly larger quantities than before, but not bad. A snack of string cheese between meals helps. It doesn't keep me from hunger but hey, the band doesn't promise that. Another thing I have not done well is get all my fluids in. Today I have done well and am going to try to be especially vigilant.

While I have been pretty down, for me, I love my band, and I also know that God will help restore me to my normal sunny self. Soon, I hope.

It has been quite a while since I updated this. Here are some of the things that have happened:
I got a 2cc unfill on Dec. 30, I had been having too many stuck/vomiting episodes. Then I had an upper GI to verify band placement. Every thing was fine, no slips, no esophageal dilation, etc.  That was a relief. Though the doc didn't really think there was a problem by the time I got the results (immediate) I had myself worked into a state! The funny thing about that unfill is that I have 2.5 cc left in and it feels fine. I have good restriction and don't get hungry.

I had a bad time with compulsions over the holidays. I would get things under control then the fat lady would make her appearance. At one point I ate nearly two whole batches of homemade carmels. I am still struggling. The thing is that I will be fine for a while then go crazy. DH is having too many sweets in the house that tempt me and we may need to have a discussion.

We are leaving this next Monday to go to our son's in Gulfport, Ms. I am so looking forward to being on the beach and just not having snow. Here we have about 8 or so inches on the ground and it is only in the teens for high temperatures. Down there the forecast for next week is sunny and 53-54 degrees. Not swimming weather but I can walk on the beach. The dog loves it so much, especially at low tide. He runs out as far as he can then swims from one sand bar to the next. Then he races down the beach. I have not done any type of exercise since just after Thanksgiving since I have been having an issue with my right SI joint and have had a lot of pain. It is improving, now, the chiropractor is making good progress on it. I can control the pain with just Tylenol, now. I am really looking forward to getting back in the groove.

Packing both cold weather clothing and summer things is a real problem. My hubbie took a look at the pile I had made and had a fit about me taking so much. I explained that I am higher maintenance now. I have more clothes, like to go out, and must have a good variety. The poor man gave up though all he saw was the winter stuff, the spring/summer stuff is on the bed in the guest room upstairs! We aren't sure how long we will be gone but the longest would be to the third week of April. By then it is shorts and sleeveless tops weather as well as being on the beach, in the water, weather. Glorious!

I am right now 4 pounds over my goal weight. Not bad but right before Thanksgiving I was well under my goal weight. I had allowed myself leeway to go up or down 5 pounds, no further, so I am ok but want to get these 4 off before they want to become permanent.

I'm still loving my band!
Sue