greatexpectations
Update
Oct 27, 2010
Down to 187.... Not really worried about losing any more weight. I would like to maintain and work towards plastics.
Life is great. I have an ulcer and throw up pretty regularly b/c of stress and nerves but I am doing quite well.
My health has improved so much and I feel like a person. And I get treated well.
I'm getting married in December and couldn't be happier.
The surgery gave me a chance at repairing the damage that was done w/ the unfortunate side effects of psychotropic medications. My mental health has improved b/c of my hard work and finding meds that work for me and my self esteem has risen because I look and feel like a person again.
:)
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Life is great. I have an ulcer and throw up pretty regularly b/c of stress and nerves but I am doing quite well.
My health has improved so much and I feel like a person. And I get treated well.
I'm getting married in December and couldn't be happier.
The surgery gave me a chance at repairing the damage that was done w/ the unfortunate side effects of psychotropic medications. My mental health has improved b/c of my hard work and finding meds that work for me and my self esteem has risen because I look and feel like a person again.
:)
It's amazing...
Apr 03, 2010
I weigh just over 200. That's below my initial goal of 220. I can't even begin to explain how good I look. I know I'd get a lot more feedback if I posted pics. But I don't want mine stolen and used for other purposes. Anyway, I am curvy and nice.
Of course, there are problems. I have the arm thing which bothers me most. I can cover most everything else, but that really limits my clothing choices. I wear some cute ass things but I always put on a jacket or a shrug and it kinda kills the look. Oh well. Soon.
Soon I am having plastic surgeries. That's the next step. When I hit 180 I am going for my consult. I expect that to be in the middle of the summer. Just 20 lbs away. I know now that i'm smaller each pound counts more. At 332 it's easy to lose 20 lbs. But you don't look any different. At 200, 20 lbs is a lot. And it shows. So I like to think in percentages. Anyway..
What do I do? I eat very little. I don't really like much food. I like tasty things. And I eat them sometimes, of course I throw up afterwards. I don't have dumping syndrome and my daily diet is mostly pepsi. I have to have my caffeine. I drink alcohol regularly. I love throwing up. I don't binge. I usually eat only once a day. I typically run myself down every few weeks to the point that I am nearly dead. I am dehydrated and tired and weak and emotional. I cry and whine but I am thin. And I love it. I give myself a week to recover where I eat protein and drink water and get a B12. But after I start feeling good again I go back to not eating and throwing up anything I do eat. I'd be Ana if anything but surely it's just EDNOS.
I am happy with things. It's all working for me. I look great and I have control over stuff. This is what I wanted. Surgery was amazing for me. It took away my hunger. And made throwing up so easy.
I am looking forward to my life. Looking forward to my future. I am fitting into a size 16-14 now at nearly 5'9. My measurements are 42-37-47. Hourglass. I was over the 50s easy before. I measured when I was 14 and I was really small (130s) and I was a 36-32-40something. So I'm really not too far away from those measurements. Most of me is stuff that needs surgery. Stuff I can't fix.
So happy. Anyway, just wanted to let you know....
I finally figured out what worked for me. And I am quite happy.
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Of course, there are problems. I have the arm thing which bothers me most. I can cover most everything else, but that really limits my clothing choices. I wear some cute ass things but I always put on a jacket or a shrug and it kinda kills the look. Oh well. Soon.
Soon I am having plastic surgeries. That's the next step. When I hit 180 I am going for my consult. I expect that to be in the middle of the summer. Just 20 lbs away. I know now that i'm smaller each pound counts more. At 332 it's easy to lose 20 lbs. But you don't look any different. At 200, 20 lbs is a lot. And it shows. So I like to think in percentages. Anyway..
What do I do? I eat very little. I don't really like much food. I like tasty things. And I eat them sometimes, of course I throw up afterwards. I don't have dumping syndrome and my daily diet is mostly pepsi. I have to have my caffeine. I drink alcohol regularly. I love throwing up. I don't binge. I usually eat only once a day. I typically run myself down every few weeks to the point that I am nearly dead. I am dehydrated and tired and weak and emotional. I cry and whine but I am thin. And I love it. I give myself a week to recover where I eat protein and drink water and get a B12. But after I start feeling good again I go back to not eating and throwing up anything I do eat. I'd be Ana if anything but surely it's just EDNOS.
I am happy with things. It's all working for me. I look great and I have control over stuff. This is what I wanted. Surgery was amazing for me. It took away my hunger. And made throwing up so easy.
I am looking forward to my life. Looking forward to my future. I am fitting into a size 16-14 now at nearly 5'9. My measurements are 42-37-47. Hourglass. I was over the 50s easy before. I measured when I was 14 and I was really small (130s) and I was a 36-32-40something. So I'm really not too far away from those measurements. Most of me is stuff that needs surgery. Stuff I can't fix.
So happy. Anyway, just wanted to let you know....
I finally figured out what worked for me. And I am quite happy.
Update
Feb 27, 2010
225. That's what I weigh. 9 months out. I have lost 107 lbs.
I am selling my car and going to bike to work each day. This will only increase my weight loss and help me tone up.
I expect with that to lose another 30 lbs by the middle of May.
And that's when I am moving.
So hopefully I will weigh around 170-180 by the end of summer. And that's my goal.
That will be a total of 162 lbs lost if I can make it to there.
:)
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I am selling my car and going to bike to work each day. This will only increase my weight loss and help me tone up.
I expect with that to lose another 30 lbs by the middle of May.
And that's when I am moving.
So hopefully I will weigh around 170-180 by the end of summer. And that's my goal.
That will be a total of 162 lbs lost if I can make it to there.
:)
Nearly 100!
Jan 13, 2010
Life is going really good. It's been 8 months since surgery. I've lost nearly 100 lbs. I am aiming for another 40 by my 1 year anniversary. I had my gallbladder taken out in November. Doing fine since then. My bloodwork came back good except I was a little low in vitamin D. I don't get in my protein. I don't even try really. I puke most everything up. I eat sometimes, maybe once a day, sometimes not at all. I always prefer to eat at home since throwing up in the public bathrooms always elicits stares. I really enjoy throwing up at home in a tall plastic see thru cup. That way when i'm done I can see all the food and calories I didn't get. I guess maybe that sounds sick but I like throwing up. I feel in control and relieved when I do it. I get to taste the foods I want and not worry about the calories. I wish i'd figured this out before. I bet I could have lost the weight just by this alone, but I would have nasty stomach acids, which I don't have now because of the surgery. My boyfriend knows I throw up pretty often. I tell him it's because I've overeaten. And usually it is. But do I try to not overeat? I don't stuff a whole 12 ounce meal down and then throw up. I eat about 5 ounces then purge. Then 5 more ounces, then purge. And again. And I get to have a whole meal without problems. I see that it's a total waste of food. But oh well. I'm very happy with the way things are. And i'm sure i'll lose 40 more if I keep trying. I will be under 200 in a few months. :)
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Update
Oct 05, 2009
...A lot has happened or rather, a lot hasn't been happening. I moved out. So now I have my own place right next to campus. It's really nice. I started seeing a new therapist because the old one did that crap I blogged about last time. My boyfriend is coming to see me in a few weeks. I have made 3 friends. Which is a lot when you had none for a year. And they are all nice and funny. And they like me a lot. I think this new town is better. Less stuck up people.
...The thing that hasn't really changed has been my weight. I take that back. I was throwing up daily for about a week and a half and I got down to 260. Then I started eating again and it went up fast to like 270 something. So pooh. I am now in the mid to high 270s. But my body looks great. I have a nice shape, i'm just bigger. But it's a curvy big. I feel confident and boys look at me more. Especially when I show off the boobs.
...I haven't been taking vitamins or getting in protein or drinking water or exercising. So like nothing i'm suppose to do. Which is bad I know. I have decided to try to start again. I drank an instant carnation breakfast this morning which has some good protein. I plan on adding protein to it to make it really good. I need to get in my vits. And I need to exercise at least a little. There's a gym like a block from me that's paid for by the school. Honestly i've just been so busy I haven't really felt like working out but I know i'm not going to lose the rest of my weight without it.
...My new goal is 220-200. I have given it much thought and I think I will always be on the big side. But this is a healthier weight for me to be at. I am tall (almost 5'9) so this is good. That means I have like 60 lbs to lose. I can do that. That isn't even that much.
...So I guess that's me. Doing good and getting by. I will try to report when I lose some more weight.
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...The thing that hasn't really changed has been my weight. I take that back. I was throwing up daily for about a week and a half and I got down to 260. Then I started eating again and it went up fast to like 270 something. So pooh. I am now in the mid to high 270s. But my body looks great. I have a nice shape, i'm just bigger. But it's a curvy big. I feel confident and boys look at me more. Especially when I show off the boobs.
...I haven't been taking vitamins or getting in protein or drinking water or exercising. So like nothing i'm suppose to do. Which is bad I know. I have decided to try to start again. I drank an instant carnation breakfast this morning which has some good protein. I plan on adding protein to it to make it really good. I need to get in my vits. And I need to exercise at least a little. There's a gym like a block from me that's paid for by the school. Honestly i've just been so busy I haven't really felt like working out but I know i'm not going to lose the rest of my weight without it.
...My new goal is 220-200. I have given it much thought and I think I will always be on the big side. But this is a healthier weight for me to be at. I am tall (almost 5'9) so this is good. That means I have like 60 lbs to lose. I can do that. That isn't even that much.
...So I guess that's me. Doing good and getting by. I will try to report when I lose some more weight.
ARGHHHH!!! can you fn believe this?
Sep 16, 2009
...I am pissed. And hurt. I have lost 70 pounds. That is not something small. I still have more to lose but I am a happy camper with my progress in just 4 months. That's nearly 20 lbs a month. I can fit into seats and look nice in my clothes and things are good. You would think that people would be happy for me right?
It's enough that my family is shitty and puts me down. They do that if I am model perfect. But to have my therapist be shitty is riduculous. I have been seeing her for two years. TWO YEARS! We were talking about how hard it is for me to make friends. I can make acquaitances but translating that into friendships that go out to do things hasn't happened. And then she says, out of nowhere, "it's your weight. People don't want to be friends with you because you are big. You only see how far you've come and they see what you are."
What. the. fuck. Seriously? And the atmosphere immediately changed in the room. You have to understand just 5 minutes before that, she told me that I was too boring and that's why I didn't have friends. !!!!!!!!!!! I said, no i'm calm. I'm not into drama and being fake. I'm a calm person. This does not mean I am boring. I crack jokes and say interesting things. I just do it calmly instead of being dramatic or fake happy. F.
I can't believe she would say that. I am not trying to make friends with shallow, empty headed, gigglebox blondes who wear annoying fashion and talk louder than necessary so everyone in the vicinity will notice them. They don't talk to people, they make big announcements. I am not trying to be friends with them and they are the only ones I can think of who give a fuck whether their friends are big or not. That or athletes who like to do sports and active things. I am a video game playing, book reading, internet surfing, hobby/craft girl so I don't really get where anything I like requires me to be fit to participate. So there is not excuse for why someone who enjoys these things would require me to be small to be their friend. I think she just wants to be a total ass. Obviously I will no longer be seeing her.
Do you think that she should have said that? Do you think that MOST people require their friends to be fit? MOST people are overweight or obese so I don't get how'd they'd need their friends to be skinny.
ARGGGGGGGHHHHH.
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It's enough that my family is shitty and puts me down. They do that if I am model perfect. But to have my therapist be shitty is riduculous. I have been seeing her for two years. TWO YEARS! We were talking about how hard it is for me to make friends. I can make acquaitances but translating that into friendships that go out to do things hasn't happened. And then she says, out of nowhere, "it's your weight. People don't want to be friends with you because you are big. You only see how far you've come and they see what you are."
What. the. fuck. Seriously? And the atmosphere immediately changed in the room. You have to understand just 5 minutes before that, she told me that I was too boring and that's why I didn't have friends. !!!!!!!!!!! I said, no i'm calm. I'm not into drama and being fake. I'm a calm person. This does not mean I am boring. I crack jokes and say interesting things. I just do it calmly instead of being dramatic or fake happy. F.
I can't believe she would say that. I am not trying to make friends with shallow, empty headed, gigglebox blondes who wear annoying fashion and talk louder than necessary so everyone in the vicinity will notice them. They don't talk to people, they make big announcements. I am not trying to be friends with them and they are the only ones I can think of who give a fuck whether their friends are big or not. That or athletes who like to do sports and active things. I am a video game playing, book reading, internet surfing, hobby/craft girl so I don't really get where anything I like requires me to be fit to participate. So there is not excuse for why someone who enjoys these things would require me to be small to be their friend. I think she just wants to be a total ass. Obviously I will no longer be seeing her.
Do you think that she should have said that? Do you think that MOST people require their friends to be fit? MOST people are overweight or obese so I don't get how'd they'd need their friends to be skinny.
ARGGGGGGGHHHHH.
Update
Sep 04, 2009
...I am losing water and muscle. Not fat. Lameo. If I was losing fat my body would be changing more and it really hasn't that much. Well, I take that back, my tummy has gotten much flatter. But still chunkiness! So...since the throwing up food is working so well, the only thing that is sucking is that I drink pepsi. So I need to get water in and protein. I can still fake eat and throw up the rest of what I eat but this way i'll at least get in enough calories to lose the fat. I think I can salvage this method. Just a few adjustments.
...In other news, my personal life is kinda going to crap. My money situation is hanging by a thread. I'm trying to get job to fix that but I'm scared since I haven't worked in two years. My family is being annoying. The sooner I get independent and cut ties with them, the better.
...If I can just sell my car things will be better. That will free up enough money that I won't have to work. But if I still do choose to work then I will just have extra money to pay my debt. Doctor bills and personal loans. Yikes!
...Lame!!! I hope God can pull something out. I really need a miracle. I know things will work out. I just have to be patient.
...On a side note, I have a strange feeling sometimes. I feel out of control. Or lonely. Or pointless. Sometimes I feel my entire existence is pointless. Meaningless and insignificant. I think it's because I am living with a woman who is about to die. And I hear her moaning and cursing God and being negative all the time. She is tiring to be around. When I have my own place and can fix it up and invite friends over and just be on my own, I think things will be better. But it's just a guess. I could still be lonely. And empty feeling. I wish so desperately I had a mother. Someone to talk to who was nice. There aren't enough nice people in the world. Not enough real mothers. Lots of women with kids but no good mothers. Good mothers love anyone who needs it. I wish one of them would see that I need it.
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...In other news, my personal life is kinda going to crap. My money situation is hanging by a thread. I'm trying to get job to fix that but I'm scared since I haven't worked in two years. My family is being annoying. The sooner I get independent and cut ties with them, the better.
...If I can just sell my car things will be better. That will free up enough money that I won't have to work. But if I still do choose to work then I will just have extra money to pay my debt. Doctor bills and personal loans. Yikes!
...Lame!!! I hope God can pull something out. I really need a miracle. I know things will work out. I just have to be patient.
...On a side note, I have a strange feeling sometimes. I feel out of control. Or lonely. Or pointless. Sometimes I feel my entire existence is pointless. Meaningless and insignificant. I think it's because I am living with a woman who is about to die. And I hear her moaning and cursing God and being negative all the time. She is tiring to be around. When I have my own place and can fix it up and invite friends over and just be on my own, I think things will be better. But it's just a guess. I could still be lonely. And empty feeling. I wish so desperately I had a mother. Someone to talk to who was nice. There aren't enough nice people in the world. Not enough real mothers. Lots of women with kids but no good mothers. Good mothers love anyone who needs it. I wish one of them would see that I need it.
Down 60 lbs in 3 1/2 Months!
Aug 30, 2009
...So my stupid 2 month long plateau is officially dead! I actually weighed at 268 but then I rechecked and it said 270. Hot damn. Not eating is brilliant. My new goal is to be at 265 by the end of next week (Sept. 6th). Bet I can do it.
...I am only 20 lbs from my next goal (250) and then 50 lbs from the goal after that (220) and then 70 lbs from my big goal (200). Then it's all gravy after that. I would like to get to 160 but that's my ideal weight. 180 would be nice. But 200 is fine too. That would be 130 lbs down. Damn! Bet I can get there by March.
...September (20lbs)
...October (20lbs)
....November (20lbs)
...December (20lbs)
so i'd be at 190! Pffft. Unlikely.
2 comments
...I am only 20 lbs from my next goal (250) and then 50 lbs from the goal after that (220) and then 70 lbs from my big goal (200). Then it's all gravy after that. I would like to get to 160 but that's my ideal weight. 180 would be nice. But 200 is fine too. That would be 130 lbs down. Damn! Bet I can get there by March.
...September (20lbs)
...October (20lbs)
....November (20lbs)
...December (20lbs)
so i'd be at 190! Pffft. Unlikely.
275!
Aug 26, 2009
...A little bit of not eating for 3 days does cause one to lose weight! Score! I know it's unhealthy. I am not caring right now. I take my vits so it's all good. I have been full on throwing up. I have enjoyed TASTING some delicious wings and ranch and some cream filled cannolis. No eating. No gain! It's amazing. I am so surprised I didn't do this before. It would have saved me gaining about 150 lbs. I think if I keep this up I might make 270 by next week. Success!!
...In other news, the boy is going military. Navy to be exact. He is going to join after we get married next year. I'm excited. This will be really good for both of us. I worry that he won't like working. He doesn't like working now but who does? He wants to be a chaplain. I think that's work he will enjoy. Right now he has a peon job that he hates. If he is fulfilled he will enjoy it. And I did a small budget and if I work too we will be able to save like 1500$ a month. ! That's a lot of cash to be able to save and still have spending money. So wonderful.
...I know how competitive it is in the military. The women can be bitchy. I need to look my best so I can be professional and impressive looking. This will mean getting serious about not eating (much). Wonderful. I think i've figure it all out. And I decided in 2011 imma go blonde.
...If I can keep losing like this (5 lbs in 3 days) I will be at my goal by December. Excellence!
...I'm so happy.
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...In other news, the boy is going military. Navy to be exact. He is going to join after we get married next year. I'm excited. This will be really good for both of us. I worry that he won't like working. He doesn't like working now but who does? He wants to be a chaplain. I think that's work he will enjoy. Right now he has a peon job that he hates. If he is fulfilled he will enjoy it. And I did a small budget and if I work too we will be able to save like 1500$ a month. ! That's a lot of cash to be able to save and still have spending money. So wonderful.
...I know how competitive it is in the military. The women can be bitchy. I need to look my best so I can be professional and impressive looking. This will mean getting serious about not eating (much). Wonderful. I think i've figure it all out. And I decided in 2011 imma go blonde.
...If I can keep losing like this (5 lbs in 3 days) I will be at my goal by December. Excellence!
...I'm so happy.
Blah
Aug 22, 2009
...I am lazy.
...I need to lose 80 lbs.
...More people than not are overweight or obese. So you'd think discrimination would be reduced right? It is not acceptable to be fat. Statistics prove you are more likely to make less money, have less education and be depressed. A lot of fat people hate other fat people. They hate themselves. So they take it out on other people. Or they lose weight and then they get their chance to be the snobby girl who can make fun of others. It's shameful.
...Even my therapist told me weight was a big deal. She said people are going to judge you. That's just how it is. It was annoying coming from her because she is a tiny blonde who giggles at everything and is like, look at my new purse! So i'm kinda bleh about that.
...I believe the surgery has helped me as much as it can. Now it's up to me. My current environment is not so great. I don't get to control what comes into the house and I have people around me forcing food on me. I think when I move and am on my own I will be able to keep just what I need in the house. And I will be too broke to buy other stuff.
...I've got my eating habits under control I'm just making bad decisions. It's not hard anymore. I am just lazy.
...I am very worried that if I don't lose weight my ability to get a good job will be compromised. The jobs I want require me to be presentable and professional looking. I look sloppy in clothes.
...I've got this great guy. And I want to be beautiful for him. I want him to be proud to introduce me to people and I want them to think he got a catch instead of he settled or she must have a really good personality.
...I got to get stuff figured out.
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...I need to lose 80 lbs.
...More people than not are overweight or obese. So you'd think discrimination would be reduced right? It is not acceptable to be fat. Statistics prove you are more likely to make less money, have less education and be depressed. A lot of fat people hate other fat people. They hate themselves. So they take it out on other people. Or they lose weight and then they get their chance to be the snobby girl who can make fun of others. It's shameful.
...Even my therapist told me weight was a big deal. She said people are going to judge you. That's just how it is. It was annoying coming from her because she is a tiny blonde who giggles at everything and is like, look at my new purse! So i'm kinda bleh about that.
...I believe the surgery has helped me as much as it can. Now it's up to me. My current environment is not so great. I don't get to control what comes into the house and I have people around me forcing food on me. I think when I move and am on my own I will be able to keep just what I need in the house. And I will be too broke to buy other stuff.
...I've got my eating habits under control I'm just making bad decisions. It's not hard anymore. I am just lazy.
...I am very worried that if I don't lose weight my ability to get a good job will be compromised. The jobs I want require me to be presentable and professional looking. I look sloppy in clothes.
...I've got this great guy. And I want to be beautiful for him. I want him to be proud to introduce me to people and I want them to think he got a catch instead of he settled or she must have a really good personality.
...I got to get stuff figured out.
