Nicole B.

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

I got the horrible news that my mother is passing away. She has a couple of days and it will be all over. My father passed away 11 years ago. It is scary to know that I will not be able to hear her guidance anymore. I am truly alone now. I am scared too.  I have no idea whats ahead for me.
You can only know my pain if you have experienced the lost of a parent. I dont have a father to walk me down the isle or a mother to hold my baby when they are born.  All I know is that now my parents can spend their life together.    I love you mommy!

I found a house to rent with my boyfriend and I get to keep the dogs. It is a cute lil 2 bedroom place with a nice size backyard.  It was a blessing from heaven that the couple didnot care about the finances and other stuff. It is in a better place than Oakland so I am happy here.  Just as it seem things were looking up, my mother took severly ill.  We found out she has terminal bladder cancer. They give her about 14 months to live or less .  She is doing chemo but is very weak. I never thought I would be going thru this again with another parent.  I am scared, hurt and angry all at the same time but I keep it moving.  My family is not holding up to well, my younger sisters are suing each other over money and no one wants to help with my mother's doctor visits.  I have one sister that seems to be helping for now until she gets anrgy and walk away but I know that GOD will find a way to help me take care of my mother and bring my family back together. 
The guy took a 360 degree turn once we moved in.  I guess he realized the grass is never greener on the otherside or remember the 80/20 rule.  I am still keep things slow and positive at all times. It is not easy trying to manner all this stuff but it is still a NEW BEGINNING for me. I see only great things ahead for me.  My weight is doing great and I have been really shaping up my body with the s-factor classes. I love dancing on a pole. You should try it...
Well OH family, stay on track and remember being a healthly size is the answer. 

I dont know where to begun.  I moved out of my house and I am living in a extend stay hotel for now. Hard to find a house right now with my finances being screwed up with the bankruptcy and foreclosure on the house. In all I am still happy because I have a job, my wonderful new self, and friends & family who believe in me. This is a cross road in my life and I will bounce back.   I still know I made the right decision because materialist things dont make you happy.

Well, i did take one wrong turn, I went back to my last boyfriend and things haven't changed. Why I am not surprised. I know the darn relationship wont lead me down the path to marriage or a baby. So why do I stay? I dont know... I am struggling with it each day.  Loneliness I know is part of it. Plus he spoils me as I do him. I just need him to be on the other two paths and things would be ok. SIMPLE.. I wish!

Anyway, my pouch has been hurting a lot these last 3 weeks. All the darn sugar and unhealthly eating. I stopped but the damage is done. I soiled myself something bad last week and it was not nice or smelled like roses(LMAO). Taught me a HUGH lesson.  I have stopped eating most of it and trying to get things back but it is not easy. I didnt gain any weight but i get really sick when too much sugar enters my body now. My stomach cries out loud too.  My advice... stick to the plan no matter what. It is not worth it.  

I  know that I need to start working on understanding what it means to be different on the outside and the inside stays the same. It is difficult at times to see myself as a smaller person but I am getting there.  I keep focused on watching what I eat and trying to understand the emotional battles that have come my way.  I finally got out of a relationship that was holding back my healing process.  He wasnt as understanding as I thought he was but he did help in some areas.  I was in Aww when he told me he couldn't stand the constant farting.  It was a doomed relationship anyway.  

My focus is now going to be on getting my butt and arms in better shape and healing my emotinal state. I dont know if any of you are going thru the emotional unstable journey but I sure the hell am.  There are days when I almost question why I undertook this journey but than remind myself of the unhealthy life I was living. I do know that being fat or skinny has no effect on my ability to make my life happen the way I want it too.  

I was unhappy because I thought my weight was holding me back from the right partner in my life but found that the same issue exist now. So that told me that it is me that needs work and not them.  I keep attracting the same type of loser A-- man so it is time to look inward and fix me first...  

Well OH family, this has been one of a hella roller coaster ride which I am sure isnt over yet...  Let me know if others out there are going thru the same thing emotionally

I must tell you guys that being fat or skinny has no impact on how people see you.  I can know successfully say that my life has changed but the ins-outs are the same.  I get  men that dont like me because I am too skinny and women hate on my 24/7.  It is rather funny at times.  I actrually got picked over a friend that is overweight. She was shocked but I wasnt a bit surprised.  It is the attitude and how you carry yourself that matters. People will finds problems with you no matter what.  

Well,  I am starting to bypass the self image body problems and get a focus on my life ahead.  I need to accept the excess skin because plastic surgey will probably bring keloids.  4 of my 7 WLS holes have turned into keloids on my stomach. Bummer.... I might do my breast and that is all.  The scarfice I made to be health and inshape.  Dont get me wrong, I would get on the operating table again if neccessary. This is still a better life for me no matter what is ahead.

My ex-husband is hounding me for all sort of stuff. LMAO.  He is absolutly crazy if he thinks I will ever go back.  Stupid A-- Jerk!  He needs to keep it moving. I know I am for sure. 

I am still searching for that one that can complete me. Thought I found him but he likes women with a little excess weight. Go figure. First, I am with someone that doesnot like Fat women and know I am with someone that wants a semi-fat women.  AWWWWWW.  Crazy to me. I laugh about it all the time.  All the new guy ever says is, :You are going to gain a lil weight.".  He really has no clue how much that statement eats at my core being and hurts so much.   I know what the future holds for us.... NOTHING!

Its has been a year since my surgey.  I cant begin to express the happiness I feel inside.  I am starting to find my way in the new body and new life. All the support and friends I met on OH and at the clinic is an inspiration for me to continue on a successfull path.

My life is starting to come together.  I will be leaving behind all the garbage from a bad marriage and moving into a new life.  I am letting the house go and starting over.  I dont care about those materialist things because they cant grant me happiness.

The DR clearer me to have a baby so that is my next journey. I am hoping it happens within the next 6 months.  I have been trying but my body wasnt really ready.  We will see.

I got a new dog name Selene and she is a firecracker. Her and Max get along and he is perking up too. He is a male pitpull.  I love my dogs.

I will start to tone my body now.  All the extra skin is not that bad and you get use to it. Still struggling with body image problems but they will go away in time.

If I could tell you how I feel than I wouldnt be reaching out to OH.  I look at myself in the mirror and I dont know who is looking back at me.  I am really trying to understand that person I see.  I dont see the FAT girl inside me anymore but something else that frightens me.  I dont know how to handle her and what she wants.  I do know that my life is not this one anymore. I am a new person trapped in a past life that has vanished.

I need a new life a new home and a new job.  What and where that maybe is a question.  I thought Los Angeles would be the place but I dont know anymore. It is a start and I will go and check things out for a hot minute.  I dont want to plant my roots anywhere until I know who is looking at me in the mirror.

My weight loss has picked up again. I am down to 130 pounds.  I look like a wash board. I thought I would never be able to say that about myself.  I like it sometimes.  These times are scary for me not knowing who I am ....

Well OH family  I turned 38 years old and I feel GREAT.  My divorce was final August 16 and we have a wonderful divorced party. I am not saying being married is bad but it was for me. Not the right person for the job in my world. Anyway, moving on to bigger and better things.  Only a few more months and off to Los Angeles to start a new life with new people. It is time to say good bye to the Bay Area.  

I realized that the outside has changed but the mind and spirit still hasnt caught up yet.  I know others out there in the WLS world know exactly what I am talking about.  It weird because now I get comments like.. "You are too skinny" or "I can see your bones"  Cant win or loss in this superficial world. LOL

It strange to hear people say these things.  I love my size and intend on staying a size 5.  If they only knew how I really felt.  I need to do me for a change and I am in therapy hoping it will help get the right focus.  Do not believe for one second that you can do this journey alone. If that were true then OH and TT websites would have no users.  Get counseling because there are way too many drastic changes to handle ALONE.  If i had done it earlier than couple of things would be different for me now.

Anyway, otherwise the weight is stable and i am eating more junk now. I dont like it but I keep losing weight.  I hope when my thyroid is stable the weight loss will stop.  I can't believe i am saying that but i dont want to be a brroom stick. LOL

I am 14 weeks away from my 1 year mark. WOW. What a ride?  Well OH sis & bros. Keep in touch and stay healthy.

I had bladder inconsistence, mild sleep apnea, Hypothyroidism and that's it.  They saw my surgery as a preventative measure so I wouldn’t get the other conditions that come along with being overweight.  I got approved pretty fast. I took the 10 weeks weight management and lifestyle changes classes at Kaiser Hospital and lost 30 pounds before submitting my paperwork. Kaiser is not hard to get approval. It was a simple and easy process. I did everything in the exact order that my doctor told me to do and got my approval in July 2006 when I submit my paperwork in May 2006.   
My surgery went very well. I have had no complications or problems at all. I did exactly what they said to do and followed everything like my life depended on it. That is the key.... Listen only to the doctors and no one else. They know what they are doing and will take care of you. I mean listen to them strictly...
Once accepted into program, I got my orientation in August 2006, met doctor in September 2006 to set pre surgery goal weight(250 pounds)  and checked in twice to lose another 31 pounds. I met the pre surgey goal weight at the end of October so I got my surgery date in November 2006.  I started the 1200 calorie diet they give me at orientation in August combine with the exercise so the weight came off fast.  
 Kaiser does not play with the weight goals at all.  
Everyone keeps asking me if I would change my decision at all to have surgery. They could tell me that my leg would have to come off to get surgery and I would be like when.. No kidding, the surgery has changed my life forever,  I don’t wont and will not look back.  Best damn decision I made in my life....

I weighed 297 pounds in April 2006 and lost 36 pounds while submitting my paper work for the program. I weighed 267 pounds at orientation and lost another 35 pounds pre surgery. I weighed 235 pounds on November 14, 2006 and I am weighing between 140 and 150. My goal weight was 150 which I met before my 6 month mark.  See my thyroid disease reversed from Hypo to Hyper. This means my weight lost got sped up because of the thyroid condition. It made me lose the weight faster than most and still is. They are trying to get it under control now because I am still dropping weight.  I had to increase my fat and sugar intake to help slow down the weight lost. Crazy but I am able to control it with monitoring my eating.

Well its been a little over a month and things are somewhat ok! I finally came to terms with my ex(not yet Aug16) is not going to help with the business debt at all.  I finally told myslef that I was in the Twight Zone for the last 4 years of my life and got on the bus to leave.  I am leaving it all behind me.  I now accept full responsibility for EVERYTHING and I can let that life go.  I will pay everything off myself and keep moving bc I know GOD has my back and all the guardian angels he has sent me will  not let me faulter..

With all the stress, I have been able to maintain my weight  below 150.  That is my goal for the rest of my life.  I eat a lot more sugar and fat so I dont get to small.  I look like a stick at times but you all know how that goes.  

My friends and family are starting to get a little tried of my risky dress and lifestyle but they have no idea how hard it is to keep all the changes straight in my head.  Darn! I wish some of you from OH was around to c the light with me.  One day we will meet I am sure. 

Not really sure where I am going from here.  I am looking forward to the move to LA and starting a new life.  I am not sure if the new guy will be around much longer.  He seems to think I need to be perfect but I am not and probably wont change.  I will let time take care of that one.

Man, I wish I could c you all.  It is getting harder out here not being able to go to support groups and talk with others that have issues like me.   I am strong but sometimes I need a little help too...  Everyone have a good week and stay on track.  Remember FAT is our enemy!!!