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Ok, I'm starting to feel more human now.  I finally spoke with my surgeon about my pain, and she doubled my dosage of Roxicet, and that was sooo much better.  And my lusting for food motivated me to explore some soup options.  I am generally grossed out by "cream of canned soup" and I'd heard that some people were dumping with tomato soup, but then read a few stories of others who were ok with it.  I tried to be happy with my chicken broth, which worked ok during pre-op, but 1 sip of that and UGH! It kind of tasted fishy to me. I tried another sip, and just couldn't do it, so I dumped it in the sink.

So my FIL drove me to the grocery store (Safeway/Vons), where I spent a good 10 minutes studying every kind of soup.  I finally found Soup Man Tomato Bisque with only 7g of sugar, whereas Campbell's has something like 22g.  So I brought home a little box of that, a Soup Man Lobster Bisque, and a can of Baked Potato Soup.

As soon as I got home, I opened the tomato bisque and discovered I had to strain it because there are chunks of tomato, carrots, and basil, so I can imagine it's actually a hearty soup in its intended form.  But it was really good and really hit the spot for me.  When I went back to it a few hours later, I decided to add of dollop of plain Greek yogurt to increase the protein, and that was ok. All in all,  I'm feeling so much better.  

I do need to buy a little soup strainer, because straining using my giant colander was a bit messy.  

So I think the trick to this post-op liquid diet, which will last 2 weeks for me, is to try to find real food options instead of relying on protein shakes and vitamin water, though protein and water are the priority at this point.  I'm also beginning to feel like I should make some kind of  plan how I will get all of the supplements in, which the surgeon has directed to start during the puree stage (2 weeks away).  I've started a little food journal so I can see how much protein I'm getting, and I think it will be pretty difficult during this early stage.  I also need to figure out how to get my PPI in (taking Zegerid for the moment).  That particular one is a capsule that you can open and sprinkle into yogurt or pudding, but really alters the flavor and makes it truly disgusting.  Today I tried it in SF chocolate pudding, and found it to be somewhat tolerable if I just gulped the bite of pudding (using a baby spoon), and didn't try to taste it.  

It occurred to me that maybe I should figure out a way to make a protein powder pudding that I can throw an Upcal-D into and maybe also the PPI.  As long as I am wasting space with pudding, I may as well try to get some nutritional benefit.  I'm pretty sure Eggface has a recipe, so I'm off to go investigate.

I am laying in bed miserably because I don't have a lot of pain relief.  I am feeling rather full from the 8 or so ounces of protein water I've had in the last 3 hours and also from the four sips of hot chocolate protein shake earlier this morning.  I'm not hungry, per se, but I have an appetite.

I woke up realizing that it was Sunday and kind of dreamily thinking about what kind of yummy thing I could have for breakfast: McDonald's Bacon and Egg Biscuit, or maybe a giant donut from Shopper's,  And then when I fully opened my eyes, my reality hit and I thought, "Crap. Nothing fun for me."    I did add some cinnamon to my hot protein, but it wasn't the same.  I found a bit of comfort reading a thread on RNYTalk.com called something like, "What's for dinner?"  People in varying stages of post-op describe over pages and pages of posts what they are eating.  It initially made me feel better to realize that I would be enjoying food again soon, but then it made me kind of sad and hungry (but I'm *not*  actually hungry, you see).

I'm home! Unhappily so, but here I am.  My surgery was Wednesday, Feb 27 and I was released Friday, March 1.  I have quite a bit of incisional pain and general discomfort from gas.  I am not finding any relief from the Roxicet I was prescribed, nor from Lortab, dilaudid, or morphine that I had the previous days.  I'm also pretty unhappy that I have to give myself a Lovenox injection every day.  In the hospital, with skilled shot-givers, I felt nothing.  Me doing it on the other hand, and it stings like a very bad word.  I am very seriously contemplating going to the CVS minute clinic and asking the NP there to administer it for me.

I have been sipping on my bottle of water with Celebrate ENS vitamin powder, and I drank some hot chocolate protein shake.  I'm just going to concentrate on these 2 things for now before I start worrying about iron and calcium supplements.  I'm also supposed to take an antacid, which I found in capsule form and sprinkled over some yogurt, per surgeon's suggestion and BLEGH! No way.  The yogurt itself was quite good, but not with Prilosec added.

I just got myself all propped up in bed with a popsicle and I suddenly feel full and bloated. Interesting how I didn't have this feeling while I was sipping protein shake at the table.  But in this position, I am uncomfortably full.  So no popsicle for me.

Roxicet making me drowsy. Must sleep.

Tomorrow is my day!  But, a minor snafu:  I have developed a cold.  It developed over the weekend, so Monday morning I called the surgeon, who sent my to my PCP for an evaluation.  Just a minor head cold, nothing that I would ever seek medical attention for, but nonetheless, they wanted a medical opinion of fever, chest congestion, bacterial issues, etc.    I'm a-ok, except for nasal congestion, but the neti pot has helped with that TREMENDOUSLY.

In the morning, assuming nothing gets canceled before then, I will do neti pot again just to make sure all is clear through surgery.  I will let the anesthesiologist make the call.  If he sends me home, then so be it.  It's a sign, it's for my safety. No problem.

In other news, the liquid diet is not bad at all.  Days 1 - 3 were the most difficult because I really just wanted to eat, but I wasn't actually hungry.  If I did feel hunger, I would just drink something, and it would go away.  I only have to do the 7 days, and am on clear liquids and up to 6 protein shakes/day.  I haven't had more than 3 or 4 in any given day.  And Sunday, day 5, everything seemed so much better.  I woke up not hungry at all.  I wasn't able to finish the protein shake I made for myself a few hours later.  It was suddenly easy.  Yesterday and today have been the same way.  I just had tea and coffee in the morning before I finally got around to making myself a shake at 11am.   

Don't get me wrong, if they want to delay my surgery a week, you can bet your bippy I will have a field day with food before jumping back on to liquid, but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.  It's kind of nice to not have to deal with food (for me).  I still have to prepare meals for 4 other people.  But the decision of what to eat and how much of it is gone.  That's pretty dang awesome. 

Today is day #2 of my 7 day liquid pre-op.  As unfabulous as it is, I first must acknowledge the joy and elation I feel at only needing 1 week, as opposed to many others who have to endure 2 or more weeks.

I hate to jinx it, but honestly, I'm doing ok.  I have found it is easiest when I am in the process of or planning to drink something.  I am allowed up to 6 protein shakes/day, and am relying on Premier Protein shakes in chocolate and vanilla (Costco) and Matrix Syntrax cookies & cream.  They are all... I won't go so far as to call them "wonderful" or "delicious", but they are, by far, the tastiest of all of the shakes I have tried.  I also just returned from GNC to get a bottle of Isopure Grape Frost, which I read somewhere was great when mixed with grape flavored Propel.  Both are chilling the the fridge and I will try them a bit later. I also drink a mug of hot chicken broth a few times a day.

As tolerable as I am finding the liquid pre-op, I have to admit I don't think I'm following it entirely to a tee.  I am supposed to have 1 week of clear liquids, but I have been adding some powdered SF vanilla non-dairy creamer to my tea in the morning and I have gotten a nonfat SF vanilla latte yesterday and today.   I'm not going to feel guilty or bad about it because a) it's still liquids and b) the 1/2 cup or so of skim milk involved over the course of the day keeps me content.  I hear that the first four days or so are the roughest, as you get used to it, so I will attempt to stay with the true clear liquid diet (with the exception of 6 protein shakes), starting this weekend.  

(See?  Does it even make sense to exclude non fat milk as long as protein shakes are in the picture?)

The really bad thing about the liquid diet is that I am the primary caregiver and meal provider for my 3 young children.  I make breakfast, lunch, and dinner, for 3 or 4 people (when hubby is home) every. single. day.  If I were a single girl living footloose and fancy free, I would not even have to look at food during this time.  But as it so happens, I am always slicing an apple or smearing peanut butter or boiling rice or baking fish or SOMETHING. My 1.5 year old has frequent snacks, so there are often goldfish or rice chex or some little snacky thing in my cupboards.  It doesn't end.  I am hoping that hubby can take over for lunch and dinner this weekend so I can be at the library or somewhere not involving food.

I also need to confess that I am planning a "cheat" tonight.  Today is my 15 year wedding anniversary and we are finally, FINALLY going to a restaurant I have been wanting to go to for at least 10 years.  I'm also not going to feel bad about it, because it's a very unique historical place and the thing I am most wanting to try anyway is a soup.  I may also get a main entree of salmon and steamed asparagus, but there will be no dessert or cocktails, or even bread or potatoes.  As long as I am going to eat solids, I will make sure that it is sensible, healthful, and nutritionally beneficial.  

While in the car yesterday,  a commercial came on the radio for Lasik eye surgery, which I, myself, had about 10 years ago.  I started wistfully thinking about how accepting people are of that surgery and how it's a shame that WLS isn't like that.

But wait a minute.

 It is the same.  In fact, WLS makes so much more sense because it can benefit your health in so many ways.  Lasik is kind of just an elective cosmetic surgery, and yet I've never heard anyone become aghast and admonishing someone for even the mere suggestion that they were thinking of having one's eyes sliced with a blade and lasered.

If an eye surgery is to help someone who was feeling encumbered by poor eyesight, WLS should be well recognized as being able to help someone who has been encumbered by obesity.  If Lasik is a corrective surgery for eyesight, WLS is a corrective surgery for weight.   

I'm getting closer to not being ashamed of my upcoming RNY.  I need to really get into the mindset of feeling absolutely ok about it and able to talk to people.  I mean, it's no secret that I'm overweight.  Beyond overweight.  Ok, it is a secret that I am clinically "Morbidly Obese,"  but obese nonetheless.    Why should I not be proud that I'm doing something about this, instead of feeling blow after blow of failing and failing each and every weight loss attempt.

My body is not normal.  I have damaged my metabolism so badly that I do not have "normal" hunger and body weight.  My leptin is out of whack. My ghrelin is out of whack.  

My BFF got a tad too heavy for her taste, went on Jenny Craig for 6 months, lost 30 pounds, and has maintained that loss for nearly 10 years.   That has never happened with me.  It baffles me how anyone can do that.

I was having dinner with a normal-weight friend at a restaurant once, both enjoying our meals.  She's about half done and puts down her fork, declaring she's had enough.  She didn't even want to take it home.  What???  How does that happen?  How can I learn this trick?  Because my dinner was so yummy, I was sad when it was gone.

So, yes, it's clear to me that I need to have RNY if I want to leave obesity behind.  I just want to avoid the confrontation and stigma of everyone else trying to judge me and make it their business.  

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