i don't even know who reads this anymore

May 09, 2009

so maybe anonymity will make this hurt less.

After nearly five years, the man of my dreams.. the love of my life.. ended our relationship last night.  He wasn't particularly careful about it.  He wasn't even very gentle.  in fact, he was even a little cruel.

you see it appears that i have made a lot of mistakes in our relationship.  in trying to be sensitive to his needs and be attentive to him, he has grown dissatisfied with me and our relationship in general.  Over time, he became less and less committed to us.  He never mentioned it, he just let it all fester. 

i'm not without fault, of course.  But i don't deserve this.  i don't deserve infidelity and then to be told, with a shrug, "gosh i feel bad about hurting you, but i don't even want to try to repair what we had." 

i vascillate between anger, remorse, self-loathing and outright sorrow. 

he found someone on the internet and over the course of a few weeks, claims he's in love with her and isn't willing to end it to give us a chance. he doesn't want to.  he knows its wrong but he just doesn't want to.  he can live with being the kind of man who does this to someone -- even after he had it done to him and he knows exactly what it feels like.  this is precisely what his ex-wife did to him.  down to the details. 

he said to me that he didn't love me enough to want to stop it when it started.  he claims he was looking for a reason to get out of the relationship for a few years leading up to it.  and despite the fact that, within the past month, we've been intimate more often than we have in the last five months, he doesn't feel an emotional connection to me -- even though he admits there can be no intimacy with him without it.  i find it hard to believe that i'm getting the whole truth.

what i am getting, however, is the brush off.  thanks for everything but could you get the hell out of here so i can call my new girlfriend and have phone sex, now?  sorry abouit giving you false hope over the past week but.. you know.. this just is how i feel and there it is.

i never loved anyone as deeply as i love mike.  i still love him.  if he said to me tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, "I made a mistake, i was wrong, please take me back" i'd do it without hesitation.  i feel like my whole insides have been melted and run through a shredder and poured back inside me all discomfort and malady.

i feel worthless.  less than that.  i feel unlovable.  if mike, in all his depth of love, couldn't love me, well who could possibly ever?  and how could i ever trust anyone enough to give myself over to a relationship again with my whole heart.  will i hold back as he did because of the damage that's been done to me?  am i destined to go down this same path again?  and how do i approach having some semblance of a normal life again?

maybe this is karma. 

god help me.

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