I'm Finally Getting It...

Jul 21, 2011

Well tonight has definitely been an eye-opener for me. My boyfriend and I had a conversation that got a little heated but rightfully so. I have always been a very naieve person and throughout my life I have not made the best decisions or been in the best situations. Tonight he helped me to realize that I have "A Voice". Hello?? could that really be me talking, you mean I really have a voice? Yes, for so long (actually as long as I can remember) I have been the submissive person that I was taught and raised to be. Even when things were wrong or I was treated badly, I was taught that I would just have to accept it. Growing up in a Baptist home, where my mother was my rock, I learned to always back down to the man and accept that he had the final word on EVERYTHING. Ok, so that was totally wrong, this I now know. I mean, in all these years it felt wrong, I felt horrible, humiliated and embarrassed. I am not saying that all Baptists are this way but in my home it was. My mother (whom I do love) was not the best role model and I firmly believe that she did the best she could. There were things that were never talked about and even when these things happened to me, she swept them under the rug to be forever forgotten and never to be talked about. As a victim, I never forgot. However, those things shaped and molded me into the person that I was. Now and only now, that it has been brought to light that I matter (my opinion, my dreams, my desires and my voice), have I realized how it is that I had became a victim. I was caught up in a very vicious cycle from a young age. I lived a very sheltered life and never really had the opportunity (or chose the opportunity) to experience the world out there. I just kind of went along with things, eventhough I didn't have to and eventhough it didn't feel right. However, I didn't realize that I had a choice. I didn't know that I could fight back, that I could speak my mind, that I could make a decision for myself. It amazes me that I have lived this way for so long. I mean, I am 34 years old, yet I didn't know it until tonight. I didn't know to actually "Listen" to that little voice inside me that tells me things and to actually take action on it.

Perfect example of this happened tonight. Since I am a post-op I do have my concerns with my body and being a victim of abuse I am uncomfortable at times with situations. My mom had gave me a gift of a massage, so I go to the massage parlor excited to be free of some stress. My boyfriend and I joked on the phone how I would probably end up getting a guy massage therapist. I said "oh yeah right" well wouldn't you know that's what I got. So I was nervous, and my anxiety level was on high, but yet I went along with it. After talking to my boyfriend about it, he said "why didn't you just ask for a woman instead?" Honestly, that didn't come to my mind because I was taught not to think that way. I always took things as they were, never complained and accepted whatever happened. Look where that got me...my whole world had been affected by that type of thinking, my job, my marriage, my family...everything.

So guess what, since I am no longer a victim I don't have to continue to think or act like one. I must change my whole thought process, my vision and express "My Voice".

To sum it all up there's a saying that I love. "If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always got."

Thank you to my loving boyfriend for helping me open up my eyes and become the woman I am destined to be!!!

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