Thanksgiving

Nov 27, 2009

Seems like a good time to reflect on things.  I have a great deal to be grateful for - in spite of being stunned and heartbroken at the moment.   My health and weight are amazing. I am strong and fit and focused.   I decided to train for a half-marathon this spring and having that goal pushed me hard this morning at the gym (I was down one pound in spite of Thanksgiving yesterday!).   While my family is gone I am surrounded by loving friends and will get through the holidays intact I think.  Yesterday was the second anniversary of my mother's death.  It seems longer in some ways.  I so miss the daily morning phone calls.  Nobody cared as much about the events of my life as my mother.  Her unconditional love was a cherished gift.  I miss her.

Matthew (Georgia Boy) is a constant positive friend in my life.    I no longer think about a romantic future with him.   The distance proved to be too much to overcome.  I've had problems with an unbalanced young man from my gym - I've had to file a restraining order as he has threatened me.  Matthew has been attentive and supportive and willing to calm me at night when my fear overtakes.  I was so lucky to find him and am grateful that we remain friends.

My relationship with Sky is in flux - right now a very painful place.  His plans to come east are on hold - combination of the economy and business issues...and a realization that he no longer wants to continue this business anyway.   He announced all this last week to me and when I asked what it meant regarding us he became frustrated and has withdrawn as he needs time to think about his future.   I am broken right now over it.   His willingness to talk through any issue was something I valued so much (something my husband and I never managed to learn to do).   Now he is unwilling to talk and I'm feeling quite lost.  I know that I will eventually settle and accept this shift, but right now it is acute.  I'm focusing on keeping myself healthy - trying to sleep (sleep has never returned to normal since my WLS), eating well (I'm not eating enough) and training hard (I'm rehabbing a torn shoulder ligament so can't do everything I used to do in the gym).  I have control over very little in my life.....so I'm trying to let go of those things outside of my control.....and focus on those things I do have choice about.

At my worst moments I remember how far I've come.  How different my life is now.  That today I am healthy and have the tools to stay strong. I pray each day for focus...and guidance.....and peace with how things emerge.   

3 Comments