hopeful9
2 weeks til surgery
Apr 26, 2010
I can't believe it's going to happen! I've been nervous about the surgery and having trouble saying good bye to foods. Foods I normally don't even eat. I'm investigating that I may be a control freak. I certainly was raised by a food control freak, so maybe it's not me being controlling, maybe I'm rebelling!? Now that over eating is habit and soothing and a way to procrastinate, my relationship with food needs to be stripped down and become what it is meant to be. Nourishment for my body. It's also meant to be enjoyed but some foods control me!!! Trigger foods for me are bananas, cereal, donuts, chocolate, white bread, IE pizza, burgers and chips...more carbs. I start my liquid diet on Saturday, I started very low carb today to try to minimize the headaches. I went up a few pounds saying goodbye to foods, but I'm still less than when I began this whole thing. I'll be down again by surgery. Today it was like someone flipped a switch and my brain just said 'your done being foolish with food, you've chosen a new life, with new rules and I'm going to work the heck out of it.!! I will be positive about all outcomes and I will make new choices and I will never, ever forget how miserable I have been the last few years.I hate that I can't run up a flight of stairs, ride a horse or a bike, I hate that I strain to fasten seat belts and that I can't fit into all of the restaurant booths without my boobs sitting on the table. I hate that people stare or ignore me and I hate that some people out there think I'm undisciplined, lazy, and a self indulgent person. Or that I'm weak. I hate that my back always hurts and that I have to do crazy contortions to wipe my arse. I hate that I couldn't keep up with my family at Disney. I hate that I can't shoot hoops with my son. I hate that my teenage son's feel like they have to protect my feelings. I hate not fitting into roller coasters. I HATE being diabetic. I poke my self 4 times a day to test, 5 times a day for shots. I hate the mood swings that come with the blood sugar swings. I hate feeling like I'm the cause for my children's obesity. I hate not being able to walk the dogs or pull weeds. I hate that I'm always tired, I hate that I don't feel sexy anymore and I hate that I don't recognize me in the mirror anymore. I hate that I have to take 11 prescriptions and pay for them. I hate the impending feeling of doom about being fat and how it's killing me. That's just a whole lot of hate and hurt. No wonder I struggle with depression and motivation!!
I'll love less pain and more joy and being healthier and more active. I do really love me right now but I feel bad for me...I'm a really nice, kind, loving person and I've got myself into a pickle...the obesity pickle, the proverbial rock and hard place and I'm grateful for the tool of RNY. Oh yeah, I want to cross my legs!!!
whew....I've been meaning to write this list...it's freeing and motivating. If anyone read through this drivel, God Bless. My adventure continues.....
