Grumpy, weird, et cetera
Mar 08, 2017
I'm still ridiculously irritated that OH ate one of my blog entries from a couple weeks ago, and that's part of why I haven't come back to update in a little bit. Ugh. Give me back my slightly thoughtful screed, Obesity Help! Give it back!
I am doing okayish. Been consistent about tracking during the workweek (even though it is such a bummer, omg, and it drives me crazy when I have to choose a best-guess food item from MyFitnessPal's database instead of just scanning something—but that's my madness to live with). I've gone over in calories a few times but not by shocking amounts. I have been a little reckless on some weekend days, but honestly not as bad as I'd feared when I mentally gave myself permission to not track on weekends.
I feel brittle and raw this evening. I am so unbelievably stressed at work. This is honestly the first job I've had in a long, long time (maybe ever) that is mentally taxing to this degree. Frankly, I've had a lot of jobs where I didn't have to, uh, challenge myself too much. And now I'm making a lot of mistakes. My anxiety is through the proverbial roof. I spend a majority of each workday with my heart racing and my mind blanking because, well, anxiety etc ad nauseum. It's exhausting. And the worst part is that I don't have a real sense of perspective or proportion about mistakes on the job. Everything is The Worst Thing Ever and I am The Worst Employee Ever and Nothing Will Ever Be Okay. Which is numbing to the point where I make more mistakes than I would have otherwise (of course) and lack a feeling for how I'm actually doing for someone two months into the job. Do I suck? Am I okay? I have no idea! Fortunately my boss is an A+ communicator so I'm, like, functioning. But my head is a mess and physically I am very, very tired because a near-constant sense of panic is pretty goddamn tiring.
What would really help would probably be someone who could sit down with me and strategize some concrete ways to (A) get on top of all the things I feel are slipping away form me and piling up and getting lost in the shuffle aiiieee, and (B) help me stay on top of things once I'm out of freak-out mode. Maybe I should get in touch with my old therapist or take advantage of the EAP at work. We'll see. I've been here two months. It's not sustainable to exist in this state of perpetual self-induced terror. Dunno exactly what I'm gonna do about it but if I'm still feeling like this on, say, Friday evening I'd better do something.
How else am I doing? Woefully under-exercised! I got sick again. (Third time since goddamn Boxing Day. This cold season has been the absolute worst ever. I haven't been the only one relapsing once or more, but—knock on wood—I seem to finally be over it.) Being sick kind of killed my ability to work out for a week or so, and I just haven't made time for it since. Oops. My husband and I did get a pretty decent walk in on Sunday: about 1.8 miles down to the local Buddhist temple for their annual Sukiyaki Dinner fundraiser, and the same distance back up some very serious hills. That was fun and felt good. Need to hop back on the treadmill but in all honesty it just isn't going to happen tonight. Or tomorrow, probably. Maybe I can set a nice, obtainable goal for myself and feel better about life by obtaining it: I'll work out For Real on Friday after work. Hey, I bet that'll help with ye old anxiety, too.
I'll put a reminder in my phone now.
Oh, and my body decided to have a period this month despite my explicit instructions to the contrary. (I'm on birth control and skipping spacer pills because seriously, to hell with my period.) That could be contributing to my general sense of fragility and weirdness. (Like, I got all Weird About Food at the grocery store earlier tonight. Usually I can be pretty chill while food shopping but tonight I was just stalking around in a fugue state of sadness/self-pity/rage because I wanted lots of things that I'm not supposed to have and oh, the resentment and bitterness and inner turmoil.) (Yeah, anyway, that's not unheard of for me but I bet this time it's a stupid menstrual thing.) (Ugh.)
Seriously, why can't I tag blog posts anymore? I want to tag things! I'll finish up with a couple self-indulgent work restroom mirror portraits so you can see my darling EShakti dress: