Holly T.

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To say it has been a while since I was last on OH would be an understatement. Life has simply gotten in the way. There's no other way to explain it. I dont remember the last time I was on here, but it has been just over two years since my RNY. So, what's changed?

Well let's start off with the non-weightloss stuff. I graduated college, got my first "real" job as a college admissions counselor, was part of an entire sector to be let go for political reasons (seriously, the reasons i was provided didn't even make sense and he acknowledged that), moved to a new state, and enrolled in graduate school. <--And those are just the MAJOR things. :) Lots and lots of change happening. It was trying at times, but so worth it to be where I am now --> into my second semester of graduate school, intern for a national student affairs organization, graduate assistant, and bout to start my new job as a college recruiter. God is truly holding me in the palm of his hand.

As for the weightloss stuff: Originally, I lost about 130 pounds and things were looking great. 15 more pounds and I was going to have PS. Then my 23rd birthday happened.

And with that I lost my Oma to a sudden heartache. She and I were extremely close (we spoke daily and I visited every chance I got, even though I lived 2 hrs away) so needless to say I took the loss extremely hard. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do sitting through meetings w/ the pastor, being friendly and welcoming during the viewing, etc. When I got the call I was out w/my friends and not in a state where I could drive the two hours home to be with her. Luckily, I have the most amazing friends who drove me home right then. Still, she died before we got there. I'm a master at ignoring the obvious and thus made a habit to overlook the truth and pretend she wasn't gone. But the times I was forced to face it I literally could not handle it. (When I got to the hospital I literally had to be dragged through tears into the room where she lie lifeless  so the priest could pray over her, I wept at the viewing but still was able to avoid it by offering to watch the babies instead of being with the adults, and the actual funeral was by the worst. I sat quietly in the car until we neared the funeral home in which i tried vigorously to hold in all the tears, but to no avail. I got out of the car and begged my mom not to make me go inside. I didnt want to say goodbye, i was not ready by any means and had to be dragged inside yet again. From the moment my tears began they didn't stop until we got back to the house.) That truly has been the worst few days of my life and I'm still not able to think about her w/o crying daily.

You're probably wondering what that has to do with my weightloss. Well, I'm an emotional eater and with the intense amount of grief I was going through I couldn't control my eating or I didnt much care too. Not to mention my job kept me on the road 5 dys/wk. I was falling into an extreme depression until almost 6 months later I sat down and faced the facts of her death. I spent some much needed recooperation time w/God and He opened my eyes. Simple as that, but the damage was done. I had put on between 15 - 20 lbs and continue to carry that weight today.

Now I'm no where near where I was before my journey began, but my increasingly small clothes are tight again and that in itself depresses me. I constantly think about eating, about dieting, about my future. And it all centers around food. I've found healthy ways to curb my emotional eating, but I still struggle with my diet and exercise. If  I get even the little bit upset or depressed I fall back into that whole. It is such a vicous cycle that I'm not sure how to deter it. I don't eat alot and I dont eat bad things, but as I daily watch the scale, the number flucuating and not declining I cant seem to do anything but get depressed.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me single, almost 24 in grad school w/a weight problem. I'm obsessed with what goes into my stomach and what doesnt, with how many calories I burn and how many i gain. It's a disease. And I dont know how to get a handle on it. But I am trying. But by no means is it easy, I find myself constantly battling myself and the expectations of others. I mean I am 24 and all my friends are married and with child. And I want that too. First theres the problem that evey guy I date turns out to be a first class loser. Then theres the problem that I know if I cant be comfortable in my own skin, if I cant learn to love myself, then how can I ever convince a man to??  Sometimes I feel as if the odds are stacked against me, but the point is that I am trying.

Please don't misinterpret this post. I am not crying. I am not complaining. I am just telling it how it is for me. I have a huge mountain to climb and Im trying to do it myself. It's not easy, but I never thought it would be. Weightloss is a LIFETIME struggle and Im getting back on track. VITAMINS, WATER, PROTEIN...and OH! OH has provided with much needed support in the beginning of this process and dare I say it can probably provide me with the help I need now.

So here's to the future. To the struggle. To the success. And until then I leave you with something to think about.

"You get the best effort from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within them"

It's been one year since I started my journey towards better health with OH and I never dreamed this is where I'd be one year later. Im so much happier now. I have so much more self-confidence and I am finally comfortable in my own skin. It's great. My  weight loss has slowed in the last couple months, but thats to be expected with all the life changes Ive been going through. I got a new job, my first official post-collegiate job. =]] (WHICH I LOVE) I moved to the other side of the state, leaving all my friends and family and everything Ive known behind to start my own life in a new town with new friends. =]] And nothing could be better. I love where God has put me and everything he has blessed me with. I am so thankful to him and to my OH friends who've helped me along the way. This journey is far from over. It has just begun. But I feel so much better now than I did this time last year.

Today is my official 5 month surgiversary and IM IN ONEDERLAND!! I have never been so happy or proud of myself. I am finally getting back to the self I used to be. The happy go lucky fun girl that I once knew. I am almost smaller than I was all through high school, which is awesome. I get constant reminders everyday of my progress bc so many ppl are noticing! Things are on the up and up. more updates later!! =]]

Today is my 4 month surgiversary!! I have lost a total of 80lbs and Im so much happier now. I can fit into all my old clothes again and life is good. I still dont get in enough protein and im definetly not taking my vitamins everyday, but im working on it. My doc is gonna be pretty upset with me when he sees my labs. i know i have vitamin defeciencies. =/ but im getting better everyday and I'm almost to onederland! =]]

So I went to see my therapist and she said that to help control my emotions I need to start writing in a journal. And my form of a journal is a blog. =] And since I feel funny writing anything thats not WLS related on here I created a new one. The link is at the bottom of this blog. So check it out. I'll love you forever for leaving comments. <3

 

http://holls08.blogspot.com/

I just want to take a few minutes to update everyone. I am exactly 2 months out from my RNY today. And I'm not doing so well. Don't get me wrong I've lost 45 lbs in the past 2 months, but my energy level is WAY down. Im not getting enough protein and it's really starting to effect me. And Im starting to get really depressed. I've set myself on a protein shake diet for awhile to see if it gets any better and if it doesn't then It's back to the surgeon for me. Please keep me in your prayers! More updates later.

So I thought I would stop from the rigorous ways of everyday life and write a short blog about whats' been going on lately! Things have definetly been a rollercoaster. My good days are amazing. My bad days are horrific. And apparently I don't have in-between days. LOL My emotions are all over the place and I find myself getting upset easily lately. I don't know whats wrong, but Im sure it has something to do with my emotional attachment to food and caffenine. Im still having problems getting in 60g of protein. But on the flip side, my exercise routine is on the up. Im working out twice a day 4 days a week and only once 3 days a week, plus I'm back to coaching and running University Freshman Orientation. So Im ALWAYS on my feet and I always have a bottle of water in my hand! =]] Now if I could only get some dang protein in I'd be good.

As a rule of thumb from my doc Im not allowed to look at the scale anywhere except for his office. I've found this to be a good AND a bad thing. I can see the weight falling off, but when I dont see it I get upset and have an emotional breakdown. It is so not pretty and I hate that I'm having to relearn how to deal with emotions. But I guess that goes with becoming healthy again. Ah. It'll all be ok. I have to keep reminding myself that. I am learning to resisit foods I dont need. I am also learning that apparently I have NO dumping syndrome. I dump on nothing. Things are consistently up and down. Right now they are on the up and up. Hope all is well with my OH family!! I promise to update more frequently! Love you all! <3

So I had to write this quick entry because I just can't contain my excitement. I am officially a college graduate! I can't believe I actually have a bachelors degree to my name now!! =]] I have worked long and hard for 4 years for this moment and it is finally here! It is unreal. I am so overjoyed, yet I find myself in a place of sorrow. I have found the best friends a girl could ask for and now I find us all going our seperate ways to pursue our dreams. I am so proud of all of them and wish them the best. But I can't help feeling like I've never going to see them again, even if I know we are all friends for life. =]] Well for now Im going to enjoy this moment of being a COLLEGE GRADUATE and see where life takes me next.

Today I had my 2 week post-op appointment and my doc said everything looks great. My incision is all closed up, all my vitamin levels are normal, and my bones are normal. [yeah, I had to have a bond density scan done] Total I've lost 20 lbs. since surgery. I'm excited because now I can get back to the gym and hit the track! =]] I've been missing my workout routine.

In the past weeks I have learned that chocolate and I no longer get along! So, I had to buy new vitamins. Plus, my food tastes have definetly changed! I've been doing good on getting in 60 oz. of water/day. But I have to work on my protein. Protein drinks and I haven't got along very well since surgery. So, Im still searching for that special one that my stomach will love! =]]

I think thats all for now. Another update soon!

 

In case I forgot to tell you IM GRADUATING COLLEGE next week!! Yahhh! =]]] I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it! I'm about to lose control and I think I like it! HaHa

I am 10 days post-op since my RNY surgery. And today is my first OFFICIAL day back to work. I am definetly feeling better! =]] I am still trying to recover, but each day is better than the last. My surgery was quite an experience. I want to tell you about my experience while it's fresh on my mind. I know if I had read someone elses' step-by-step surgical experience I might not have been so nervous! So here goes...

I arrived at the hospital on Friday 4-11 @ 5 am. I nervously waited for the surgical prep staff to arrive. At about 5:30 I went to my room where I changed and watched a few episodes of Saved By the Bell until the nurses came in to talk to me. They gave me a few medications, the IV, and a few directions. Around 8a the said it was time to go to holding. There were about 10 different patients laying in beds waiting for surgery, all in one big room seperated by curtains. It was quite surreal. I was so nervous that my body starting shaking. I think I scared my parents, but a last they did their best to calm my fears. While in holding I met a couple of the O.R. nurses, the anestheologist, and a priest, who prayed with me. About 8:45a, I said my goodbyes and I was taken to surgery. Once in the O.R. I met the O.R. staff and that's pretty much all I remember. However, I will never forget how I felt when I entered that room.

The worst part of the whole surgery was waking up after wards. One nurse was holding my left hand and one was holding my right hand, because they knew I was in pain. The pain was from me choking on my breathing tube. And to make matters worse, once I was finally awake they couldnt find a dr to OK the removal of the tube so I just had to choke on it for 45 minutes. I was overjoyed when they finally took it out!! I kept asking for my parents, but I didn't get to see them until after 3p. Needless to say, they were worried. They hadnt seen me since 8:45 that morning, plus my surgeon told them I'd be in my room @ 10:45a.

Finally, I was in my room with my parents. I dont remember much from this time, except realizing I had a cath. in and I hated it. On the contrary, I oh so loved my PCA!! I was pumping pain medication in my body every 10 minutes. The next few days were pretty much just walking every hour, pumping pain medication every 10 minutes, and recovery. I didnt get any water until Saturday @ 1p. And even then I was only allowed to have 30 cc of water/hr. Soft lips was a lifesaver!! =]]

I have really bad veins. They are shallow and small. During my stay in the hospital, I had 4 veins burst. So I had 5 different IV's and I left with many bruises. A clear sign that your vein has burst is an intense burning sensation when fluids are administered, swelling of the IV spot, or hardness of IV spot. Had I not made a nurse come and look at it, who knows how huge my arm would have gotten. Of all the IVs I had the one in my hand hurt the worst. I will never have one in my hand again. I promise you that. =]] **

Looking back now, the pain, which I still have a little of, was worth it. It has been a long and rough road, but I am so looking forward to the upcoming weeks!!  

 

Remember, the bad parts of my surgery do not happen to everyone. They were just bumps in the road for me. But well worth it. =]] My overall experience was great. I loved my nurses! I think they liked the fact that I was so young! LOL