UPDATE :)

Jun 17, 2010

To say it has been a while since I was last on OH would be an understatement. Life has simply gotten in the way. There's no other way to explain it. I dont remember the last time I was on here, but it has been just over two years since my RNY. So, what's changed?

Well let's start off with the non-weightloss stuff. I graduated college, got my first "real" job as a college admissions counselor, was part of an entire sector to be let go for political reasons (seriously, the reasons i was provided didn't even make sense and he acknowledged that), moved to a new state, and enrolled in graduate school. <--And those are just the MAJOR things. :) Lots and lots of change happening. It was trying at times, but so worth it to be where I am now --> into my second semester of graduate school, intern for a national student affairs organization, graduate assistant, and bout to start my new job as a college recruiter. God is truly holding me in the palm of his hand.

As for the weightloss stuff: Originally, I lost about 130 pounds and things were looking great. 15 more pounds and I was going to have PS. Then my 23rd birthday happened.

And with that I lost my Oma to a sudden heartache. She and I were extremely close (we spoke daily and I visited every chance I got, even though I lived 2 hrs away) so needless to say I took the loss extremely hard. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do sitting through meetings w/ the pastor, being friendly and welcoming during the viewing, etc. When I got the call I was out w/my friends and not in a state where I could drive the two hours home to be with her. Luckily, I have the most amazing friends who drove me home right then. Still, she died before we got there. I'm a master at ignoring the obvious and thus made a habit to overlook the truth and pretend she wasn't gone. But the times I was forced to face it I literally could not handle it. (When I got to the hospital I literally had to be dragged through tears into the room where she lie lifeless  so the priest could pray over her, I wept at the viewing but still was able to avoid it by offering to watch the babies instead of being with the adults, and the actual funeral was by the worst. I sat quietly in the car until we neared the funeral home in which i tried vigorously to hold in all the tears, but to no avail. I got out of the car and begged my mom not to make me go inside. I didnt want to say goodbye, i was not ready by any means and had to be dragged inside yet again. From the moment my tears began they didn't stop until we got back to the house.) That truly has been the worst few days of my life and I'm still not able to think about her w/o crying daily.

You're probably wondering what that has to do with my weightloss. Well, I'm an emotional eater and with the intense amount of grief I was going through I couldn't control my eating or I didnt much care too. Not to mention my job kept me on the road 5 dys/wk. I was falling into an extreme depression until almost 6 months later I sat down and faced the facts of her death. I spent some much needed recooperation time w/God and He opened my eyes. Simple as that, but the damage was done. I had put on between 15 - 20 lbs and continue to carry that weight today.

Now I'm no where near where I was before my journey began, but my increasingly small clothes are tight again and that in itself depresses me. I constantly think about eating, about dieting, about my future. And it all centers around food. I've found healthy ways to curb my emotional eating, but I still struggle with my diet and exercise. If  I get even the little bit upset or depressed I fall back into that whole. It is such a vicous cycle that I'm not sure how to deter it. I don't eat alot and I dont eat bad things, but as I daily watch the scale, the number flucuating and not declining I cant seem to do anything but get depressed.

So where does that leave me?

It leaves me single, almost 24 in grad school w/a weight problem. I'm obsessed with what goes into my stomach and what doesnt, with how many calories I burn and how many i gain. It's a disease. And I dont know how to get a handle on it. But I am trying. But by no means is it easy, I find myself constantly battling myself and the expectations of others. I mean I am 24 and all my friends are married and with child. And I want that too. First theres the problem that evey guy I date turns out to be a first class loser. Then theres the problem that I know if I cant be comfortable in my own skin, if I cant learn to love myself, then how can I ever convince a man to??  Sometimes I feel as if the odds are stacked against me, but the point is that I am trying.

Please don't misinterpret this post. I am not crying. I am not complaining. I am just telling it how it is for me. I have a huge mountain to climb and Im trying to do it myself. It's not easy, but I never thought it would be. Weightloss is a LIFETIME struggle and Im getting back on track. VITAMINS, WATER, PROTEIN...and OH! OH has provided with much needed support in the beginning of this process and dare I say it can probably provide me with the help I need now.

So here's to the future. To the struggle. To the success. And until then I leave you with something to think about.

"You get the best effort from others not by lighting a fire beneath them, but by building a fire within them"

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