almost 3 mo. out.

Jul 25, 2009

What an interesting transition this has been. Today I walked into a store and bought a size 48 jeans (on sale of course) I didn't think they would fit...they did. That's a 54/56 to a 48. I also have found a few XXL shirts that fit.
It's sad saying good bye to some of my clothes. I liked them ...they were my armor. Now I try them on and look like a little boy playing dress up in his daddy's clothes.

I was not prepared for the emotional rollercoaster ( and still am reeling in many ways) . I did not realize how much I used food to numb myself , soothe myself, or take the edge off of a stressful day until I had to break up with the drive thru and not be able to stuff a butt load of sadness and anger down with a super-sized "value" meal or even with a bulk amount of 'whole foods" . I was not a binger ... but I was a bulk eater. I often ate healthy foods ...just a lot of them and leaned really heavy on the carbs. There have been days lately where I feel like I may jump out of my skin....where I feel this huge distracting craving but for something I can't quite put my finger on. I find myself angry sometimes that the tools (ie: cheeseburgers) that worked for me before are no longer available to me.

I wonder if I am using my new tool (pouch) the right ways...I second guess myself...I make sure that every thing I put in my mouth is protein first....I sometimes forget my vitamins...and don't have a regular exercise plan....although I take the stairs every day at work, I swim at least 2 times a week, I had a diet soda and liked it.  Some days I am really tired and others days I feel like I HAVE to move and keep moving.

I worry about getting too small....for some there is no such thing....for me there is. I worry about losing my broad shoulders.
I worry about the extra skin (mostly upper arms). My wish is to be solid not jiggly. I am starting to jiggle. My range of motion is back and I am freaky flexible. I love that part.  I obsessively check the mirror to look for thinning hair and wrinkles now that I am deflating. As they say " Fat don't crack" . :) I know some people have surgery and suddenly look a lot older. I will be 38 soon. I would rather not look it. Not yet.

I have stopped getting on the scale every day...I broke that habit when I had the typical stall at 3 weeks. And like most others I was convinced that I was not going to lose. I lost. I am at 305 tonight. 93 lbs from my highest weight and 84lbs for my first consult with my Doctor.

I don't remember a time as an adult when I was under 300 lbs or when my pants size didn't start with a 5*. I grew up in a small town. I remember my mother taking me shopping for school clothes for my first year of middle school. This was always a less then pleasant affair.  We didn't have very much money. I had outgrown the 'husky' sizes long ago.
( Interesting...."Husky" is now one of my favorite words)  I was well into men's sizes that point.  We didn't have a Mall, a Walmart ( I don't even think Walmart existed then) , or a Casual Male. The jeans only went up to size 42. And the size 42's wouldn't even make it half way up my thighs. This made my at her wits end, and feeling totally embarrassed, mother very angry....and me a humiliated pre teen trying to get out of the unforgiving jeans and out of the store before the other kids and parents heard her talking to the less than understanding clerk about having to 'special order'  my pants  and the price involved.  Shhhhhheeeeshhh.... see memories just bubbling to the surface.   :::Chuckle:::  I wonder if that is why I get such satisfaction from a great thrift store find that fits.

I have to decide if I should just keep donating my clothes to the thrift stores so some other Chub can have awesome clothes for cheap or if I should try to have a big ass yard sale...Ha! Maybe that's what I should call it. "Big Ass Yard Sale Size 50 and up! "  I could use the funds to replenish. I have looked at EBAY and don't see many people buying there.

So that is my all over the place update.

Next month, I go home to San Francisco and see lots of people I haven't seen in a long time. Most of which have no idea I had surgery. ( That is a whole different post)   Ironically I am going for a conference where I am speaking on a panel called
'King Sized: Fat Butches and Boys on Well-Built Masculinity'  

Good Times.

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