9 Months Out...

Feb 17, 2010

What an interesting process this has been. The weight loss has slowed down. I have had long stalls and A LOT of stress!
I am still losing slowly and most days I am okay with that. For a while it felt like things were changing really fast...now it's more gradual.
Around this time last year we had to order Polo shirts for a company picture...mine had to be special ordered at a 5XL... this year I ordered a 2XL and it will probably be a little loose.
I am in a size 42 jeans and they are starting to feel baggy. What a weird experience that is. I have not been this size since I was a kid. Sometimes it doesnt seem real. I look at the size on my clothes and and I think "this must be a joke I know there should be a few more "X's" on this label-but they are not there.
My undershirts I like to call them boybeaters instead of wifebeaters are size L!
I look in the mirror and I dont seem all that different. I think this is how I always imagined myself. I only see the difference if I look at a before pic.

I also have gotten the opportunity to see how I stop showing up for myself. I dont count protein or carbs. I avoid sugar.
I sometimes eat things I shouldn't (fast food). I don't exercise every day. I am not perfect. I know I have some shit to work out. I find myself sometimes laying in bed at night thinking tomorrow I will do better.....I used to do that before surgery except it was....tomorrow I will not eat, or I will go on a diet, or start exercising. I am noticing the pattern and figuring out how to keep my goals a priority.
I have had a lot of life stressors...a breakup...my mom has been very ill...my little sister has relapsed (drugs)...work is demanding....there is never enough money...etc..etc... I think the stress and bad habits creeping in is really what is slowing me down.
Also, I think I have a lot of fear of becoming a bag of skin and not having resources to have surgery.

There have been a few wow moments...
Of course buying the Size 42 jeans.....riding on a plane and not needing a seat belt extender...walking 2 miles and then biking 3....walking up 2 flights of stairs and not being out of breath....having a gap between the steering wheel and my belly. Yeah cool stuff.

It has not been perfect...but it has been pretty great.

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