Linda V.

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Last night, for the first time ever, I dumped. It was horrible. A couple of weekends ago, I had some turkey keilbasa and it was fine. Last night, I had it again. I was in a hurry to finish dinner and get online with my husband to video chat, so I didn't eat slowly and didn't chew thoroughly. Well, I paid for it. I thought I was having a heart attack. Thankfully, I realized what my body was doing and told the kids NOT to call the paramedics. I had the foamies, took some papaya, drank some water and then the offending food came out. I have never felt such relief!  The whole episode lasted about 30 minutes. I was very weak and tired following it. I was in bed by 8:00 last night.

Now that I know what will trigger an episode, I have vowed to avoid it.

I have been trying every kind of food out there these past few weeks. I even had one of those itty bitty Snickers. I didn't get sick. That's what scares me. I was hoping that sugar would be a trigger for dumping because I was so addicted to it prior to the surgery.I suppose enough sugar would probably be a trigger, but one itty bitty piece of candy was ok. After last night, I have no plans to push it.

I know it seems like I have been avoiding work, but I finally went back today. LOL It was nice to see all of my fellow inmates...er CO-WORKERS, I really missed the interaction with other adults in my peer group. I was exhausted by the end of the day, and I only worked 6 hours. I didn't get on the phone. Mainly, it was just catching up with all of the new policies and procedures and the 2010 changes and restructuring. Enough to make my head spin, for sure. I will be listening in on calls Monday and then taking calls myself on Tuesday. I have the best supervisor on Earth. He was so afraid after I had the stroke in July that he wants me to take it really easy. I came back to work too soon then and about had a relapse. To the point that I was cleaning out my desk, fixin' to quit. He caught me and pulled me back from the abyss. Billing is BRUTAL.

Last Friday, I tried on some of my smaller business attire which fit very well. What a difference a week makes! I wore slacks and a button down shirt. They were MILES too big today. I have to go out tomorrow and get a few pairs of pants and some shirts. I was a 24, the smaller clothes were a 22. I do believe I am a size 20. For the first time in 11 years. Sweet. I'm bagging up all of my size 24 stuff tomorrow to take to work on Monday. I'm ecstatic.

I know most of the call center because I'm such a goofball. I talk to people, I was on the Health and Safety Committee longer than any other employee, I come up with ideas to be philanthropic outside of work and I generally love people. Today, they really seemed to love me back. I got so many shocked looks and compliments! People were stopping me in the hallways and coming by my desk just to comment. It was nice. I work with a great bunch of folks and I really did miss everyone.

A lot of people don't want to share their WLS experience, but I want to. Anyone who asks me about it will get a straightforward and honest answer. If I can save another human being from a life not lived being stuck in a body that is not functioning; then I will pay it forward.

I'm grateful to my two co-workers, the people of Tokyo and my children for galvanizing me into action to have the surgery. It's the best thing I've ever done for myself.

I had been having pain under my ribs on my left side and it feels like food is backing up and getting stuck in my chest. The pain can be bad enough to warrant Lortab. It's been going on for a few days, but I didn't want to take the time to call the surgeon because Lucas was flying back to Japan on January 7th. I called the surgeon today. I am scheduled to go in on Tuesday to get what they think is a stricture scoped. I suppose if that's the worst thing that's happened as a result of the surgery, I'm doing ok.

I am down to 267 as of this morning! I have not weighed under 250 since we lived in New Jersey. I have weighed 280 or above since 2003. I'm closing in on Lucas, he's proud of me and told me so many times when he was here. I miss him, but he kept making me whisper, "Four more months." to him. That's when he'll be back home for good. We should be able to do four more months standing on our heads.

In the back of my mind (in the little dark spot), I didn't think I would be able to lose weight. I knew I would, but there's always that itty bitty doubt because nothing else I've done has worked. That's why I wanted to get surgery. Nothing worked. If it did work, I would plateau for 2-3 months and then give up. Giving up is not an option. I am so thankful that I did this. Even with the stricture, even with not being able to go back to work on Monday as planned.

Tomorrow is group. It's going to be nice to see everyone and get as much advice as I can on the stricture. I'm scared, but I know I'm in good hands with Dr. Cottam.

It's been a crazy ride so far.

I got out of recovery at around 6:00 pm. I vaguely remember them showing me how to use the pain pump. I pretty well knocked myself out for the remainder of December 15th, well into the next day. All I can remember is them talking to me as I was put under, and then being in my room and Mom asking me, "How do you feel? Are you ok?" to which I replied, "I'm fine, but I feel like I've been hit by a truck." I remember nothing until the next day.

I woke up with those autobot booties on that were plugged in, wrapped up like a burrito. The nurse took the pain pump away. I got up and walked a bit. I wanted NOTHING to do with any kind of food they brought me, but I made myself drink the protein. Mostly, I sipped water and walked.

I opted to stay an extra day and I'm very glad that I did. I had a roommate for the first two days. She was a mess. Doc nicked something during surgery, so she had a drain and was constantly complaining of itching and pain. They kept pumping me full of Lortab, so I slept for most of the time. I opted for Tylenol at the middle of the second day because I needed to get up and walk. The roomie left and left a huge mess. All the cleaning lady kept saying was, "Madre de Dios....ohhhhhh..." I felt really bad for her, so I made sure I left NO mess behind me.

I took a shower that night and felt like a million bucks. I looked really good, too. The doctor came in the next day and discharged me. That took almost 2 hours.

Since I've been home, eating has been an adventure.Sometimes, I actuallly do feel hungry. Most times, it's in my head. I have been trying to determine what's what and I've been pretty good so far. I've had no dumping episodes. Plenty of gas and constipation, but Gas X, MOM and fiber are taking care of the discomfort.

The doctor was so impressed by my progress at my one week that he gave me the OK to go on to pureed food a few days early. Christmas Eve, I had my first egg. Manna. Nom.

My husband got here December 18th and has been driving me all over town. I spent the first two days he was here in the stores to Christmas shop. I had to sit down at intervals, but we got it all done. He got me diamond earrings in the shape of flowers and a Torrid gift card with a few hundred dollars on it for when I need to get new clothes. He's awesome.

I'm averaging about a pound a day loss, so I'm hoping to keep that up for a while.

We stayed at the in-laws Christmas night because our heat stopped working on Christmas Eve. They live 3 blocks from us, so no big deal. The heat was fixed on Boxing Day and only cost $133. My car has been in the shop since before surgery because I've had nothing but problems with it since I bought it 2 1/2 years ago. GM will be paying for 1/2 the repairs. I wanted to get rid of the car, but I'm upside down in the loan, so that's not going to be possible. Darnit.

Aside from that, life is good.

One of my last posts was about my friend's mom, Pearl. Since that post, Mary found out that Pearl has pancreatic cancer. Stage IV. Inoperable, incurable. She's been in the hospital since shortly after my last post. I got a text message from Mary this afternoon. Pearl has but hours left. This is horrible. I'm praying for the family, and will have everyone I know pray for them as well. This is just a sad situation.

My surgery is in 3 days. I have been on clear liquids, plus protein drinks, since Monday. I have lost about 12 pounds. I feel sick, I have a bad taste in my mouth, I'm cranky, I'm emotional and I have NO energy.

I spoke to my husband about this yesterday. He totally understands and told me not to worry if the house isn't spotless, he will do it when gets here. *sighs* I've been going to bed at 7:30 pm. It's well after that right now, but I'm starting to nod off.

I'm having the surgery to improve my life expectancy and the quality of my life. Right now, I'm kinda doubting my sanity. I will be pushing through that.

I just hope that everything turns out ok.

EEEeeep! I start clear liquids tomorrow. I am now experiencing caffeine withdrawal and have the headach from Hell. That's ok. I can deal with this.

I'm a little nervous about AFTER the surgery. I figure Dr. Cottam has done this surgery so many times, he could likely perform it in his sleep. Though I would rather he did not. I have my chewable vitamins, chewable calcium citrate, liquid Tylenol, sublingual B12, protein powder samples, broth, 6 kinds of SF Jello, Crystal Lite and SF gum. My husband's plane lands on December 18th at 3:50 pm. The paperwork for short term disability will be faxed to Aetna tomorrow and I've had my fill of cookies.

Life, my friends, is good.

On the other side of the coin, I will be drawing up the Living Will before the end of the week. Gee, my paralegal training is actually going to be put to use! LOL

Tonight, for my "Last Supper", the kids and I are going over to the in-laws for homemade tamales and beans. Every year, Mom and her siblings get together and make tamales the first weekend in December. Mmmmmmm. Can't think of anything better.

I'm looking forward to this, especially the changes that I will see in the next 6 months. The WLS group I go to took my "BEFORE" picture on Saturday. They made me feel good. I had two of the ladies tell me that they don't know where I'm putting the weight, but it doesn't look like I have 150 lbs to lose. Nice.

I'm hoping that this week goes quickly and smoothly and I pray that the surgery goes well. It's all I can do, right?

 I posted this on my "My Space" blog. I'm not a religious person, I'm more spiritual. I wanted to post this for a few reasons. First, because I think any kind of prayer to any deity in large numbers, works. Secondly, I am broken-hearted for this family. Third, it's the only thing I can think of to be of any kind of help since they are in North Carolina and I'm in Utah. Read on.....

I strongly believe in a higher power. I know that one exists. I cannot tell you who or what this power is, but I have felt it and been helped by it more times in my life than I can count.

For those of you who also believe in the power of prayer, I will ask you to pray for my friend's mom. Her name is Pearl and she was one of 3 moms I had when I was a very young teenager. I had my mother, Debbie's mom; Louise and Mary's mom; Pearl. All three of these women were instrumental in teaching me what the words, "Strength" and "Grace" meant when you applied it to a person. These three women were and are the strongest women I've met in my 45 years.

Sadly, we lost Mom Louise a few years ago. When Debbie and I were reacquainted, I found out that she had passed away. I wish I could've seen her once more. I loved her so much and remember the things that she taught me about life.

My mom is still her amazing self. She's very active and fit and has a zest for life that I hope to have when I am 81. My mom is incredible and I miss her every single day. I can't wait until June when she comes out here to see us.

Mary's mom, Pearl. She was an independent woman, fighting to keep her family together back in the late 70s when women were getting divorced and having to go back into the workplace. She was an example for me. She worked her ass off to provide for her children. She is such a role model. I adore her. I just read Mary's blog. Pearl has cancer. Apparently, it has spread to her liver. I ask that all of you who read this, pray for her. Pearl is an amazing woman who has so much left to do. Her family loves her so much. I love her, too. Please pray for her and spread the word. I believe in the power of prayer. It has helped me and I will do anything I can to help Mary's family.

Please pray that there is something to be done. Please pray that this family will have the strength to stand beside her and behind her during this time.

Thanks.

Ok. After being outta control there for a bit, I think I have a grip on this emotional eating thing.

Last night, my coolant light came on in my 2003 Vue. (I have a 2003 and a 2006...best not to ask) I'm capable, I add antifreeze when it's low or when the car asks for it. I go to pop the hood. Nothing happened. I try again and again and again. Nothing. I am LIVID by this time. Telling the car how I hated it, gonna push it off a cliff when I get GAP insurance on it, that it had a lot of nerve foresaking me when I just filled the gas tank, etc. I call my brother who is a mechanic. He tells me to get my son to lean on the hood. Ok. *click click* Still nothing. I took a few deep breaths and DID NOT GO TO THE KITCHEN. WOOOHOO! I got on the computer instead. I decided that I was gonna take the car to the dealership for an "oil change" and tell them they broke the hood and needed to fix it. LOL Serves them right for selling me the lemon that I got. So, I took the 2006 to work on the 1/4 tank of gas I had in it. I got home today and decided to give it one last try. My older son came out and leaned on the hood. I wiggle the hood release latch around a bit and VIOLA! the danged thing opened! Yay. I can take it to work this week and not have to worry about running out of gas. AND I did not eat the contents of my fridge out of sheer frustration.

So, tonight, I made veggies, brown rice, chicken and cream of chicken soup for dinner. I portioned it out like I am supposed to. There was also a chocolate chocolate chip muffin sitting on the counter. Instead of eating it, as usual, I cut it and half and GAVE BOTH HALVES TO MY BOYS. My mother-in-law keeps up a steady supply of things coming into this house that are bad for us. I plan to have a little talk with her this weekend.

I am proud of these things. They may seem like little stuff to some people, but for me this is HUGE.

I do not know why I'm doing this. I do not know what the issue is. I have to fix this. Now. Today. Once and for all.

I have been eating non stop since I found out that I was approved for surgery and this is not a good thing. I'm fine when I'm at work, I'm fine when I'm out. When I get home, I EAT. Lots. It's out of control.

I haven't seen my counselor in a few weeks, that may be what the problem is. I know that I have to fix the head issues along with the health issues, but this is ridiculous. I know what to do, so why don't I just do it?

I get up at 4:30 am to get to work by 6:00 am. I talk to people on the phone all day, some of them are abusive. By the time I get home, I just want to go back to bed. I am totally drained. The time change has not helped at all. I want to change my shift, but my in-laws take care of the kids and they would prefer if I did not. *sighs*

Cognitively, I know what to do. I know I should be tracking my food and exercising. I'm not doing either at this point. I did go for a walk with my daughter today and will be getting on the bike here in a few minutes. I have to get back on track. I HAVE to.

Is it because I know that there's a light at the end of the tunnel? Is it because even though I know surgery is the best thing for me, I'm scared? Is it because Lucas is not here and I really want him to be? Is it because I'm lonely and I want my husband HERE and not five thousand miles away?

I could be on to something. Yeah. On to something. Like my recumbent bike....*sighs*

I have been approved for surgery!!!! This is the best Halloween present EVER.