ilove2read
My story is the classic story of the girl constantly told, "You have such a pretty face..." The words "if only you weren't fat" needn't be added. My weight problem started in the 4th grade. I had just switched from a private, small, Lutheran elementary school to a public school with very wealthy children. These kids were ruthless. The teacher, a very cruel woman, made me the target of the class from my very first day! I was the tallest girl, if not the tallest kid in the class. I weighed 90 pounds, and though I was tall, the other kids weighed in the 60's. I was the biggest one of all. Everyone told me I was fat. I really had no idea that I was fat!
Once I "knew" I was fat, my weight began increasing. Around this time, I was molested by a relative. In addition, I was dealing with great amounts of stress, growing up in a severely abusive environment. My father beat my mother, and my siblings and I. Because of this stress, and the stress of adjusting to a public school with frankly, a lot of mean kids, I began to gain weight rapidly. I was active as a young child, but as I entered puberty, I became a lonely bookworm. I spent hours upon hours reading. I hated to turn out the light at night, because I wanted to read and escape my painful reality.
The weight began to pile on. I remember being extremely humiliated each year when my public schools put us through the ordeal of taking our height and weight measurements--in front of the WHOLE CLASS, as usual! What kind of sadist thought it would be a good idea to put pubescent girls on a scale in front of the rest of the class, and then to call out their weight across the aisle to another person to record?!!!
I recall weighing 90 pounds in 4th grade, perhaps 112 or 126 in fifth grade, and then 160 pounds in the 8th grade. I weighed 175 in 9th grade. I was chubby, but I believe I had reached my full adult height of just under 5'8 by that time. High school was a living hell for me--the worst days of my life. Each day was miserable than the one before. I missed 28 days of school in my last year of high school. I was tormented by several students in the school for my weight--one evil girl would scream out "MOOOO" every time I walked by. (Ironically, she was overweight herself.) One kid would time his chant of "BOOM! BOOM!" to each of my footsteps. Another kid called me a whale. I suffered from severe depression, and insomnia, but my teachers still yelled at me for missing so much school. No one even asked me what was wrong! I felt like it was a personal failure that I did poorly in some of my classes and that I missed so much and was so often very late to school. I skipped the prom because I had no date, and let's face it, by senior year I was 234 pounds! There was no way I could find a dress to fit back in those days, they didn't make many plus size prom dresses.
Throughout college, I suffered from a constant weight battle and the subsequent social anxiety. I weighed 216 pounds (somehow my weight stabilized) and then I went on a very strict, low-fat and low-calorie diet. I ate very little and exercised very hard. I managed to get down to 170 pounds. I "looked fabulous" according to one friend at college. For the first time in my adult life, I could shop at Express and other mall shops. I did have to squeeze into the size large, but I felt pretty good.
Shortly thereafter, I met a very charming, very abusive guy. We entered into a turbulent relationship where we mutually used and abused each other. I proceeded to gain back all the weight and more. Then, I fought my weight constantly throughout my 20's. In 1998, I weighed about 220 pounds, but got down to 208 effortlessly through constant exercise. My weight went from 198 (looking great, I thought!) to 186 in 1999.
In my next relationship, I went through a great deal of stress, as I was working and going to graduate school. I began to balloon up again. I got up to 270 pounds in 2001. Then, I went overseas. I came home and dieted hard. I got down to 225 pounds, which is my limit of "chubby but still attractive." At that weight, I met my husband. We spent hours upon hours on the sofa, watching DVDs and cuddling. And eating. Oh, did we eat! We ate whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. My sugar and carb addiction began to rub off on my husband. He went from a fit, trim 145 pounds and working out every day to 185 pounds and NEVER working out. I had ballooned up to over 250 pounds.
Shortly after I met my husband, I fell pregnant. I began to gain a great deal of weight. At my highest pregnat weight, I was 313. I could NOT believe I was over 300 pounds! Of course, my baby was just a shade under 10 pounds, so I used that as a convenient excuse. When the baby was born, I lost some weight again and got down to 280 pounds or so, because I breastfed for the first 3 months. Later, due to severe post partum depression, overeating, and being socially and physically isolated in my house all day, I regained the weight I'd lost after the baby was born. My highest weight in recent days was 324. I believe that I currently weight about 312.
Non Scale Victories I Am Awaiting:
Riding in the airplane without an extender AND/OR Sucking it in hard to click it
My seatbelt not rubbing across my neck anymore
NOT being the fattest person in the room anymore
NOT being the fattest woman at the gym
Wrapping the gym towel around myself instead of using two towels
Wearing a two piece swimsuit with confidence
Bungee jumping--used to be too embarassed to get on the scale first!
Buying a cute piece of lingerie and modeling it for my husband
Having the energy to play with my son for hours
Not being exhausted every day
Getting rid of the sleep apnea!
Applying for a job overseas with confidence
Wearing a smaller shoe size
Shopping at the "normal" sized stores
Buying a pair of jeans (NEVER in my adult life!)
Men holding the door rather than slamming it in my face
