Cindy C.

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December 12, 2011

I just celebrated my 4th Surgiversary on December 5.  and absolutely have no regrets.  Life has changed a lot in these 4 years.  My business is more successful than ever, I like the person I see in the mirror (inside and out), I'm happy, healthy, and active. 
The biggest change in my life.....I finally found my soulmate at the age of 47.  I am truly blessed to have him in my life.  I never knew I could love and be loved so passionately.  We just bought a home together and are looking forward to many wonderful years together.  Life is awesome!!!

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Went to a bluegrass festival this weekend (Wed - Sun).  I was afraid I would eat all the wrong foods.  I did great and am so proud of myself.  I ate absolutely no bread, chips, crackers, nuts.....all the things that I normally munch on.  I took plenty of healthy food with me.  I admit, I did drink water spiked with vodka and crystal light.  I didn't fix the drinks as strong though.  Truly, I did great.  The alcohol is a no brainer - I can easily limit myself.  The food - that is the problem and I know that every day I have to control the urge to eat the wrong foods.  I have had no sweets of any kind since July 11.  Do I want them?  Yes, I do.  I had hope that once I'd gone a week or so without all the carbs and sugar, that the cravings would be gone. 

I walked a lot this weekend.  It wasn't fast walking - not enough to get my heart rate up where it should be.  We were camped really far from the stage area and most of the walking was through fields.  Gave my legs a good workout keeping my flip flops on.  I did take a fast walk on one morning and did some resistance training too.  After that, it was just too hot.  They had a heat advisory out for three of the days we were gone.  It was sooo miserable.  Even the top of my toes were sweating - without shoes!  Tomorrow, I hit the gym.  I scheduled appointments with my personal trainer for three mornings this week.  He has been great.  Really pushing me on the elliptical.  I have never pushed the cardio.  Before, I would walk, do the elliptical, or dance - but I never pushed myself to get my heart rate up and KEEP it there.  My goal is to be able to go hiking the third week of August when I'll be camping with my family.  I haven't hiked for about two years.  When I hiked back then (once), I was winded, but I did it.  I hiked 5 miles with my husband and could have cried I was so happy.   I felt like I had my life back.  I want that feeling again.  I would like to get to go hiking more often.  I used to really enjoy it.  I never did anything extreme - just walking in the woods in the area where we live.  Lots of hills.  Anyways, it is late and I need to get to bed.

Wednesday, July 13, 2010

Can't believe I haven't posted for so long.  I've gotten off-track and somehow, if it wasn't documented on paper, it wasn't real.  Right.  Well, it is real, and I am doing something about it.  Admitting I screwed up is necesary for me to get back on track.  So, here goes.

When did it start?  I think it started about the time I had plastic surgery - Spring of 2009.  I got out of the habit of exercising and told myself I needed to eat in order to heal properly.  I upped my protein intake AND my calories.  Slowly, I allowed myself to eat foods that should only be eaten once in a blue moon, if ever.  Potatoes, white bread and pasta, pizza with crust, etc.  I drank alcohol (vodka w/ crystal light lemonade) - about 1 weekend per month.  Recently, it changed to every weekend.  My system can't handle the calories from alcohol.  Also, I knew if I was going to drink alcohol, I had to eat.  I got into late night eating - things like crackers, chips, popcorn, and nuts.  Eventually, I abandoned the rule about no fluids 30 minutes before, during, and 30 minutes after a meal.  I ate too fast.  The only rule I didn't break was getting in my protein.  I am a protein fanatic - every day. 

I might also mention that in February this year, I had to say goodbye to my sister Linda.  She had been very sick for a year.  She had either been in a hospital or nursing home since early 2009.  She was older than me and was like my second mom after our mom passed away in 1992.  She was my cheerleader for everything in life.  During all of the darkest times in my life, she was there.  The night she died, she had one eye that stayed open.  As I closed it, I thought "she will always watch over me from heaven".  I'm sure she is still cheering me on, although I know she would be disappointed in me.  You see, she was The Poster Child for me having WLS.  She was overweight  for as long as I could remember.  Most of that time, she was morbidly obese.  She suffered many health problems.  I was on the road she traveled when I decided to have WLS.  She was so proud of me for taking control and changing my life.  She was so sick around the time I got off-track.  She never knew. 

I want to say this - her illness and her passing were not an excuse to eat.  Nothing - I repeat - nothing - 'makes' you eat.  We 'choose' how we deal with stress.  I 'chose' to eat.  I had a choice and I made the wrong choice!

Anyway, my life has to go on without her.  I vow to get back on track - get back to basics.  I joined my old gym and hired a personal trainer.  My first workout was Monday.  It felt so good.  I started the 5 Day Pouch Test on Tuesday and am doing ok with it.  The day before I only drank protein shakes during the day.  That evening, I did eat sauteed beef tips w/ mushrooms and onions.  So, since Sunday, I have had no starches and no sweets.  Nothing that I shouldn't have.  I already feel better.  Not so sluggish.  I also drank no alcohol this weekend.  My goal is to eat healthy and exercise.  I had this surgery to be healthy and I sure haven't felt healthy lately.  I really believe I am on the mend. 

I am a tax accountant.  In 2009, my clients were shocked by my transformation.  This tax season, I had several actually comment that I'd kept the weight off.  They seemed surprised.  It seems like everyone knows someone that initially did great with WLS and then gained back their weight.  I don't want to be one of those people.  I have always tried to set a good example for other WLS patients.  For several months, I avoided this web sight.  How could I be supportive to others when I was failing myself?  All that is changing.  I probably won't be on here on a regular basis, but I will try to post my progress on this blog.  Writing this has been a big step and I already feel a sense of relief.  Somehow, I hope to inspire those who have also gotten off-track and to be a warning to the rest.

September 10, 2009

I'm stressed, tired, and out of shape.  Am I complaining?  Maybe.  Whining?  For sure!  I feel like I just want to hit the pavement running.  I've learned that exercise relieves stress and that I feel sooo much better when I am active.  This summer has been a whirlwind.  The whole year has.  It's beginning to wear me down.  I had hopes that come September, life would slow down and I could go back to taking care of me.  Not a chance!  I have so many things going on in my head right now.

My husband and kids are great.  My husbands' 30 year reunion was this past weekend.  We had a blast.  It was two nights.  The first night was at the End Zone.  When we came in, someone said "Oh look, Cris brought Amanda".  She is my 19 year old daughter.  Her husband, who saw me just a few months ago, told her it was me.  It was really funny.  The second night of the reunion was at Austyns.  I danced and danced and had so much fun talking to everyone.  I would have never been like that prior to losing this weight.   

Sigh....ok...I feel better already.  Maybe I need to do this more often.  I KNOW that writing down my feelings makes me feel better.  This is just what I needed to make me appreciate how lucky I am - how very fortunate I am to be where I'm at now verses where I was just two short years ago.   Forgive me for complaining and whining.

August 29, 2009

I don't post near as often as I used to.  I know I should.  I don't even get on OB very often anymore.  I've kind of strayed off the path.    I feel myself slipping back into my old habits.  I'll mess up one day and get back on track the next.  I guess as long as I keep an eye on the scale I'll be alright.  My weight fluctuates about 4 -5 pounds.  Up and down...up and down.

I 'm still drinking my SF Capp with unflavored Unjury.  I am addicted to the stuff.  Seriously...it is my "fix".  I will give up food so I can have it.  But, there are times that I have it and food.  Much of that and I pick up a few pounds and then have to get back on track.  I have 10 cans of unflavored Unjury automatically shipped every 2 months.  I know that's a lot.  I stress when I start getting low.  Same thing with the SF Capp.  I usually buy all they have on the shelf (6 - 12 cans) when I get it.  The only store I've found it at is Walmart.   Does that sound like an addiction or what?  I guess that's better than some of the other addictions I could have.

I've not been exercising.  Maybe it's just an excuse, but the summer has just been crazy.  I've got a sister that's been very ill since mid January.  Any free time is spent with her.  She's been my second mom since my mom died in 1992.  She never had any kids and me being the baby of the family, she has always spoiled me. 

We have still taken time to go to 3 Bluegrass Festivals this year.  We've only been camping once - that sucks.  We went  to Myrtle Beach for a week.  We really enjoyed ourselves.  For the first time ever, I felt like I blended in with everyone else.  I was never self-consious.  I wore a bikini  - a different one every day.  I didn't even take a one piece with me.  I did take a tankini just in case I got burned.   I don't have any full length pics.  I do have one in my bikini top standing with my husband.  I'll post it later.  It seems every where we go, I'm the one with the camera and there never seems to be any pictures of me.  I'd like to have pictures that show all the fun I'm having since having WLS.  Something other than the ones I've already posted  - the posed kind. 

Well, that's about it.  I'll try to post more often and get more detailed.

July 10, 2009

I am so grateful for the health this surgery has given me.  It has saved me and my family from a future full of sickness and heartache.  As I write this, I have a sister that is in the ICU on a ventilator.  Her health problems are numerous.  She is 17 years older than me, but her health problems started in her 40s. I am 45.  She's been morbidly obese most of her adult life, had a couple of heart attacks, a stroke, open heart surgery, and she's on insulin.  For years now, her quality of life has been terrible.  The doctors gave her up to die in January.  I know she is still here because God is not ready to take her.  Since mid January, she has been home about 8 days.  The rest of the time she has spent in either the hospital or a nursing home.  I've lost count of the times she's been in the ICU.  She is such a compassionate person - always thinking of others.  She's just never taken care of herself. 

Sometimes I feel angry - at her.  But then I stop and think - if it weren't for WLS, I might be like her in a few years.  It wasn't like I was exactly taking care of myself either.  I am just so very thankful that I got off that path of destruction by having gastric bypass surgery.  My life, and that of my family, will be forever changed.

I can't believe it's been 18 months already.  I haven't posted for a very long time.  So many times, I wanted to - felt the need to.  Life was just too crazy.  Tax season was the busiest I've ever had.  It was great though.  We had a tax office in our area that got in serious trouble with the IRS.  The feds came from Cincinnati and arrested the owner.  It has been kept kind of quiet.  He was involved in politics in our county for years and just recently retired from office in 2008.  Bad for him, and the taxpayers involved.  It was great for my office though.  I made enough extra money to pay for my plastics.  lol.

On April 27, I had a tummy tuck and a breast lift with augmentation.  The surgery was not near as painful as I thought it'd be.  The recovery was a lot longer though.  I didn't bounce back like I thought I would.  My family thinks my body was just so run down from tax season.  Maybe that's why the recovery was so long.  Guess I'll never know.  I'm just glad it's over.  I go to see the surgeon tomorrow.  It's been 6 weeks.  I hope he releases me to exercise.  My inner thighs are getting flabby.  During tax season, I got on the elliptical when I could.  During March and April, I don't think I got on it at all.  I got on it yesterday (without the surgeons permission) for 20 minutes in the morning and 20 minutes in the evening.  It wasn't near as bad as I thought I'd be.  I've had so much swelling with my tummy tuck.  They say this is normal.  I've read alot on the plastic surgery forum.  Some days I look like I'm pregnant.  I hate it.  Prior to plastics my stomach may have been draped with wrinkly skin, but it was flat.  You couldn't see all the skin through my clothes.  It's hard to look in the mirror and look bigger than I was before the TT.  I'm trying to be patient, but it's hard.  Somedays, I feel fat.  Right now, my weight fluctutes between 124 and 130.  I hate it, I hate It!  I just want to get back to normal. 

I'm really looking forward to summer.  Last summer was great, but this one should be even better.  I'm more confident than I've been in years.  We're hoping to do a lot more camping this year.  Bluegrass festivals too.  We went to four last year.  We plan to do the same this year.  Our first one is coming up in a few weeks.  There is another couple going with us.  They are staying in our camper.  Usually, our friend, Hillbilly, meets us there.  I love him.  He's a riot.  Him and my husband are crazy when you get them together.  They both pick guitar.    But, with another couple, it will be nice to have another girl to hang with.  I'm really excited about it.    There is supposed to be a few other people we know coming too.  I first met them last year at another festival.  The two women, mother and daughter, don't like me though.  It really bothered me at first when I found out.  I almost cried.  I've gotten over it though.  I won't treat them any different than everyone else.  If I'm cooking, they'll be invited to eat and if we go for a walk or whatever, I'll invite them to go along.  I do want them to like and accept me, but I refuse to kiss butt.  That is just not my style.  I'm confused as to why they don't like me though.  I've never had a problem getting along with everyone.  I admit, I spent most of the days at that particular festival sleeping, and stayed up most of the night with one of the other girls.  I didn't really get to even carry on a conversation with the others.  Maybe they think I'm stuck up.  That is so not me.  Maybe this festival will be better. 

We're supposed to go to the beach in August.  Hopefully, by then, my belly will quit swelling and I can look decent in a bathing suit.  Last year, I wore a bathing suit when we went to Longs Retreat.  It was a tankini and came with a skirt too.  It was cute and I felt ok it in.  The boobs were quite saggy though.  It was a size 12.  I could have worn a 10, but all they had was an 8 and a 12.  The 8 was a little too snug for my liking.  This year, I'll probably need to buy different sized tops and bottoms.  I may wear a 2 piece that actually shows my belly.  My surgeon said not to expose my incisions to the sun this year.  It will cause them to darken.  That is definately not a problem.  I want the bottoms to be more of a hipster style, not bikinis.  I want full coverage.  I would feel naked otherwise.  I hate that I can't go to the tanning bed though.  I guess I could, I just need to cover my incisions.  I might get my suit picked out and wear it to the tanning bed.  I want to get a tan before going to the beach.  I don't want to burn.  I'll most likely tan in my yard in something really skimpy.  My driveway is almost a 1/4 mile long and curves, so no one can see me.  No embarrassment. lol.

Life sure has changed.  When we went to the beach in 2007, I wore a one piece suit with an attached skirt.  It was a really heavy spandex and was very hot.  I'm so thankful those days are behind me.  I am so thankful to just feel normal.  To feel like I fit in and no one is staring at me - in disgust.  I just want to blend in with everyone else.  Wow, what a feeling.  Last year, even though I'd lost some weight, I still didn't feel good about myself - not like I do now.  I hope to always remember how it felt to be fat and so unhappy - just right down miserable.  God please don't let me ever go back.  I love my new body and the new life it has given me and my family.  I realize how lucky I am and how precious a gift WLS has been.  When I see someone heavy in public, I often say a silent prayer for them.  Often times, you can tell they are in pain.  You know their knees and feet hurt.  You can see there is no light in their eyes.  Sometimes, I swear I see shame.  I want so bad for them to feel better - to be healthy.  I know WLS isn't for everybody.  But for me, it has been the most awesome journey. 

January 7, 2009

I'm so stressed right now.  Head hunger is driving me crazy.  I know it's the stess - there's no way I can be hungry.  Tax Season has started with a vengeance!  I don't really have time to visit OH and won't get to go to the local meeting for a few months.  Tomorrow is out of the question - I have to train a new employee on some software tomorrow evening and try to find time to go to the funeral home too.  Next month, I won't get to go but it will be because me and my husband will be out having fun - during tax season - for the first time in years!  Imagine that!  We're going to a Trace Adkins concert.  If all goes as planned, we're going to spend the night in the hotel close to the arena and spend some quiet time together.  It's only about 30 minutes from the house.  It'll be 2 days before Valentines Day.  The next morning we'll go to breakfast then I'll have to get back to work.  I hope it all works out or I'll be so disappointed.  I hope I'm not so tired by then that I'll be ready to sleep as soon as the concert is over.  I'll be working at least 72 hours a week, but most likely it will be about 85 or 90.  God help me survive.

Right now, I have lost 102 pounds.  I have 6 more to reach goal.  The weight loss has come to a crawl.  I weigh 126 and have for almost a month now.  I haven't had a chance to measure myself this month.  I laid out the measuring tape at home this morning in hopes I would get to do it in the morning.  I am so wrinkly - it is disgusting.  I can't wait to have plastic surgery.  I know we're supposed to wait 18 months after surgery, but I think I'll lie to the surgeon and tell him I had my RNY in October instead of December.  I want to have PS late April or early May.  The bluegrass festivals start in June and I don't plan on having to wear that awful thing from my waist down when it is summer.  The surgeon says you have to wear it for 6 weeks.  He has a great rep and I trust him.  His name is Steven Miller and he is in Huntington, WV.   I'll post pictures when the time gets here.

Well I need to get off this site and get back to work.  It's almost midnight and I have at least two more hours work to do. 

December 7, 2008

I've wanted so badly to post for my one year anniversary.  I wanted to be able to have complete quiet and be by myself because I'm going to cry like a baby.  So, here it is - 2 days late.  I'm already in tears.

This has been the most amazing year.  For me and my family.  I have lost 100 pounds and over 70 inches.  Almost 6 feet.  I am so overwhelmed with all that I feel in my heart.  I don't feel like I can even begin to put into words what I really feel.  I am so blessed.  I was so miserable before this surgery.  I felt so tired and knew that every day I lived as a morbidly obese person, I was getting closer to heart attacks, strokes, and insulin shots.  I was shortening my life.  I wondered if I would really get to enjoy grand-kids when they came along.  Would I get to be there on their graduation day?  I seriously doubted it.  My family is everything to me.  I needed to be there for them.  For years and years to come.  This was just the physical side of it all.

Emotionally, I was a wreck.  No one would ever know that.  I had a successful business, lots of friends, and a family that loved me.  Most people probably thought "she has it all".  That was far from the truth as far as I was concerned.  I hated who I let myself become.  How could anyone love me if I didn't even like myself?  I had no discipline whatsoever.  Food ruled my life.  I looked forward to having the house to myself so I could pig out.  When I'd bring food home from a fast food place, I would get me something extra to eat on the way home so my family had no idea how much I really ate.  I felt so deceitful.  I was deceitful.  The pantry is just off from the kitchen and I had to pass by it to go to the master bathroom.  Almost every day, I would sneak - yes sneak - food from the pantry to eat while I sat on the john.  It was usually Little Debbie lunch cakes.  Sometimes, I really didn't even need to go to the bathroom.  I just went so I could eat.  There were times I sat on that toilet and cried because I'd eat a couple of lunch cakes, not just one.  Wolfed them down.  So fast that I would get crumbs on the floor and have to worry about making sure I cleaned all of them up so my secret was safe.  It was a miserable existence.  When the doctor told me my sugar was way too high, I knew I had to stop this.  And I did.  I did a lot of soul searching.  I knew I was taking out my frustration by eating.  That old saying "it's not what you're eating but what's eating you".  What WAS eating me?  I was unhappy.  Why was I unhappy?  Was I unhappy with someone in particular?  Yes, I was.  I found that someone when I looked in the mirror.  I hated hated hated who I had become and I was destroying myself.  I had been overweight for years, but my weight didn't become a problem until I had my second child and lost my mom.  My mom loved me unconditionally.  She accepted me for who I was.  She did all her kids.  Her death was almost more than I could bare.  No one ever knew how I felt and I still don't like to talk about it.  I dealt with my loss by eating and started to pick up weight.  When I finally got hold of my emotions, I weighed over 200 lbs.  I couldn't lose the weight and keep it off.  Anything stressful  - I ate.  I don't blame anyone for my weight gain.  I was the one that chose to handle my problems with food.  That is when I felt there was no hope.  I enjoyed eating and stuffing myself till I was miserable.  That is when I began to really dislike myself.  It snowballed from there.  If I was going to be fat, at least I was going to enjoy eating - even if I had to sneak to do it.  Thank God the doctor scared me enough to make me realize I had to stop the insanity.

Once I quit sneaking food, I still couldn't seem to lose weight.  I went back to the doctor and he told me that I was the only one that could keep myself from becoming a full blown diabetic.  I had two sisters already taking insulin shots.  I was scared.  I knew that with every diet I was on, I became more overweight.  I'd lose 5 or 6 pounds and gain back 10.  Dieting had gotten me all the way to 228 pounds, with a BMI of 43.  I had high blood pressure and high cholesterol.  With my family history, I was headed straight for a heart attack.  And don't forget the diabetes.

So, I started reading about WLS.  I found out that I was a candidate.  I checked with my insurance company and lo and behold, I met their qualifications.  I went to a WLS education seminar sponsored by the hospital.  I WAS GOING TO HAVE THIS SURGERY.  I just had to tell my family.  They didn't even know I was going to the seminar.  When I got home, I told my husband that I hadn't been at he office like he had thought.  I told him where I had been.  I asked him if he realized I was considered morbidly obese?  Not just obese, not just fat, but MORBIDLY OBESE?  He said no.  I told him I wanted to have this surgery.  I think at first he thought I was crazy.  After talking, he didn't argue about it.  I had already made up my mind.  I wouldn't have backed down.  I was going to have this surgery.  I was going to save my life.  I was going to better my quality of life.  I was going to see my grandkids be born.  I was going to see their school plays and see them graduate from high school.  I was even going to see them have babies of their own.  I realized THIS SURGERY WAS THE BEGINNING OF MY NEW LIFE!  That was the end of August, 2007.  I had my surgery in December, 2007.  My, how my life has changed!  What an understatement.

I am a better person.  I am a better wife.  I am a better mom.  Who knew this surgery could do  that?  I have fun no matter where I go.  I no longer keep to myself, trying to avoid any attention.  My confidence is back.  For years, the only place I ever felt at ease and confident was at work.  My clients respected me and trusted me.  They didn't care what I looked like and I knew that.  At work, I could be myself.  Now I can be myself wher-ever I go.  I feel so free.  Now, if I embarass my family, it's not because of how I look - it's because I "put myself out there".  All of me.  And I love it.

We've been camping.  We've hiked in the woods. We've been to blue-grass festivals and parties.  I've danced all night long.  I've brought the sun up.  And it was awesome.  We've made new friends and I hope to make many more.  Tax Season might rule the next four months of my life  (I love my job though), but I look so forward to next summer.  I can't wait to hit the hiking trails and just go go go.  All summer long.  I've already marked all the bluegrass festivals on my calendar at work.  It's going to be so much fun.  You could have never convinced me just a short time ago, that my life could change so much.  I thank God for this medical wonder and for holding my hand through this journey.  I am forever grateful. 

November 13, 2008

Sorry this is so late.  For some reason my computer at home won't let me post anything on OH.  When I'm here at work I have been swamped trying to get ready for tax season.  I finally decided I needed to take time away from work and post my thoughts.

I'm almost there!!!  As of November 5 (11 monhts), I have lost 98 pounds.  As of this past Sunday (November 9), I have lost 99 pounds.  Only 1 more to reach 100.  My goal was to lose 100 pounds in the first year.  It's really going to happen.  I had hoped to reach my goal of 108 lost and weigh 120 when tax season started.  That is very unlikely.  I have about 7 weeks till then and I would need to lose 9 more pounds.  I have adjusted my goal to something a little more realistic.  I am now hoping to reach my goal by Feb. 5 (my 14 month anniversary).  My biggest concern is being able to shop for clothes for tax season and wear them thru April.  Dress clothes are too expensive to have to buy twice.  I should be ok.  I bought a suit in late August because it was a great buy.  I tried it on in late October and it was too big.  Luckily, I was able to return it and get a smaller size.  I bought it the second time in a size 6.  I was hoping they had it in a 4 so I could at least try it on.  No such luck.  The 6 should get me thru tax season.  If not, my MIL is a great seamstress and can take it up for me.  I hope.  I bought two pair of modern looking slacks at Fashion Bug in a size 5.  They aren't juniors.  My body is not shaped to wear junior sizes.  They are a new brand and the sizing runs a little different.  They have all sizes in 0 - ?.  I tried a 6  - too big.  A 4 was too small.  I could get them on alright, but they were gross looking.  Yuck.  They even come in petites, which are still too long for me.  Figures.

I went to my family doctor today for my annual checkup.  He was thrilled with my progress.  I took him a copy of all the bloodwork I've had done this past year and he said the numbers were great.  I discussed with him my fear of breast cancer.  I told him about my two sisters that had breast cancer and eventually lost their lives.  One passed away in 1997and the other just this year.  I told him I have every intention of having a breast lift with augmentation this summer and that I had heard the implants made it hard for a mammogram to detect cancer.  He said that is true.  He said they usually have to do a MRI.  He was very concerned and is going to send me for genetic testing.  He seems to think I would be better off having my breasts removed and reconstructed if the tests come back bad.  That is very scary.  He says it is better to prevent breast cancer than to have to treat it.  Of course I know that - but still.  My husband has a cousin whos' wife had to have her breast removed due to cancer.  When they did the reconstruction, she had a severe allergic reaction and had to have the implants removed.  She had already been thru so much she decided not to try another kind of implant.  It is really sad.  She is only in her 30s.  Thinking positive though....the insurance would have to pick up the tab for my new boobs.  That's really a bad thing to say - not funny at all.  I'm going to do some research on the genetic testing and markers and such.  I'm kind of clueless about the whole thing.  In the end, I will do whatever is best for me and my family.  I am just beginning to live again and this will certainly NOT slow me down.  Chin up.

I have fought the food demons lately.  Especially in the evenings.  Why is that?  It makes me so mad.  I find myself having to fight the urge not to eat late at night.  I just want to scream.  Am I bored with my diet?  Maybe I need to start eating different foods.  I eat a lot of tuna, chicken, beans, vegetables.  I miss my home grown tomatoes.  A lot.  They were good with everything.  Those at the store are hard as a rock.  Maybe I should make an appointment with the dietician and see what she thinks.  It couldn't hurt.  I've been thinking back to this past tax season.  It was right after my surgery.  It almosts seems like a dream.  What did I eat during tax season?  I really want to go back to eating like that this tax season.  I eat roast chicken dipped in honey mustard (still healthy), tuna  - plain or with a smidget of low fat mayo, navy beans, refried beans.  Absolutely no bread.  After a few months, I occasionally had two or three fat free wheat crackers with my tuna.  I eat the topping off of pizza.  Never the crust.  Low fat lunchmeat wrapped in swiss cheese.  In March, I started eating salad with chicken and buffalo sauce.  Soooo, what is different now?  I eat more vegetables - should be good.  I know that my peas and corn are high in carbs.  Darn.  I love grapes too.  Just had some concord grapes yesterday.  Maybe once  a week I eat a few tablespoons of mashed potatoes made with low fat milk and low fat butter.  Once a week should be ok.  I do eat bread now.  I know I shouldn't.  I sometimes make me half a ham and swiss cheese sandwich with a little bit of low fat mayo.  Can one slice of bread once or twice  a week be so bad?  For dinner yesterday, I had chicken breasts and spinach.  Lots of spinach. It was so good.  I even eat it as a snack last night.  I am really bad sometimes though.  I eat a cookie a few weeks ago.  Not all at once but throughout the day.  I sometimes eat pretzels, no sugar added ice cream, pizza with the crust, a homemade burger with part of a bun.  We buy a side of beef from one of my clients and have it butchered the way we like.  Our burger is very lean.  Delicious too.  I've had baked potatoes and baked sweet potatoes.  Very few times.  A few bites of lemon pie with cool whip.  A few bites of brownie.  I'm sure there are more bad things.  I just can't remember them.     I want to eat like a normal person.   To me that means an occasional sweet or a splurge on something high in carbs.  I'm just afraid of starting and not being able to stop at just a few bites.  Those types of foods are very addictive for me.  My most addictive thing though is my sugar free capp with a scoop of protein powder.  I sometimes skip a meal just so I can drink it instead.  It's my very favorite thing right now and it has 130 calories (80 from my protein).  I had one for breakfast, like every morning since January, and I am looking forward to having one around 4:00.  Right now, I am drinking decaf hot tea with a teaspoon of non dairy creamer and splenda.  I usually have this at least twice a day in a great big mug.  I have to drink hot stuff just to keep warm.  I'll freeze to death when winter gets here.  At home, I wear fuzzy house shoes with a pair of socks and my feet still get cold.  We have no carpet.  Right now, I have on leather cowboy boots and socks and my feet are cold.  When I wear pumps, I have to keep a heater by my feet.  My clients will probably have a heat stroke.  I've bought heavier weight clothes this year.  I even thought about buying thermal undies made to wear under slacks.  I'm afraid they'll make me look fat.  I guess if I get cold enough it won't matter. 

It's after 2:00 and I have work due out first thing in the morning.  I have to leave the office early today.  Our support group meeting is tonight and we are having a clothing exchange.  We're also going to talk about the importance of protein.  It should be a good meeting.  Lots of people, both pre-op and post-op.  I best get my work done or I'll be late.  I can't come back after the meeting because my hubbie is expecting Burger King for dinner.  We don't have one in our town and I'll pass one on the way home from the meeting.  He loves BK.  I just might have myself another capp with protein.  lol.