two years

Apr 30, 2009

its my two year birthday today!! life has taken on a brand new meaning. i'm down to 165. go me right?

wrong? i'm hungry all the time and I was down to 158. I've just started becoming obsessed with eating again. I think that it may be due to stress. Its like I have woken up and my life is back to what am i going to eat when am i going to eat it. i snack all the time. i need to get back on track. Everything in my life is so good right now, so why am i have to battle this all over again. i am so scared of gainin my weight back that i honestly think i'd rather die then go back to the way i was before. i love this new me, but i cant seem to take care of myself. no vitamins, no sticking to the plan. its like i just indulge myself because i pity myself in a few ways. .....wait did i just say i indulge myself cause i pity myself???? i think I just had a light bulb moment.

i was set to graduate with my ba in psychology in may. i withdrew my application becuase i want to keep on learning. and learning and learning. its like i can not get enough of life. i want to try everything. i think that scares a lot  of people. i wont lie and say that i havent made some mistakes that i dont think i would hve made had i not had surgery. thats what life is about though, that is making mistake and learning from them. i wish i could just put it out here what i did, but i never know who is a googling hound.

i've made a few more friends and lost a few in the process. all for the best i might add. i've said this before but i didnt commit. i'm not sure why sayin it now makes a difference but starting tomorrow i'm going to get back to loving me and ensuring that my good time continues. i will do better. i'm eating probalby 2000 calories a day now. i am thinking i should probably be at 1000. when ever i go above that i feel like i'm failing, and not doing what i'm suppose to. i fall back into the self hate mode. hmmm maybe i eat because i hate myself and dont want to give myself the pleasure i get from being thin. not just stupid pleasures like attention, but i mean serious pleasure like running with my kids, and playing ball with my daughter. i mean i seriously need to evaluate why i am doing this to myself.

so my plan is to join that farrels extreme body shaping, hopefully with a body, but if i have to i will do it by myself. and to get back on track. i'll come back in a month and update.

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