My First Pureed Meal ~ 15 Days Post-Op

Mar 31, 2011

I could have have something yesterday, but I was feeling so nervous and overwhelmed, I just stuck with the protein shakes.  Besides, at this point my stomach seems to have surrendered and I'm not really hungry anymore.

Last week, I was like, "Fee Fi Fo Fum" every time I walked into the kitchen.  I have been so afraid I would unconsciously stuff something into my mouth!  I finally started to dream about it, so some of the fear has relented.


Today, I'm feeling still feeling weak, I'm pretty sure once I can take some iron I'll feel better.  Just want to make sure my bowels are moving around ok before I bring everything to a standstill, though with the iron, which is what I'm afraid will happen.

Anyway, today, I gathered my courage and made homemade hummus!  I took it downstairs where I could sit and relax.  I put a Bach CD in my computer, lit all the candles in the room, and prayed.  I had originally served less than 1/4 cup of the hummus to myself (I wasn't sure how much to have).  I didn't want to overdo it!  I noted the time and started to eat very slowly…..still, I was done in 5 minutes.  I waited but was still hungry.  So, I went back upstairs, and put a tiny dollop onto my tiny plate.  I figured that evened out to about 1/4 of a level cup.

Went back downstairs, ate the dollop.  Still hungry.  Or, at least, not full.  No warning signs that I could feel, anyway.  So… I waited.  Still hungry.  

Back upstairs, I found my pre-op class instructions which stated that serving sizes would vary, depending on what we were eating, and that the most important thing is to listen to your stomach.  So… I stood in the kitchen waiting.  Compared the chart with other similar foods… looks like I could probably eat another 1/4 cup.  I measured it out, went back downstairs to the classical music and candlelight.  Ate as slowly as I could…  When I had finished 25 minutes had passed.

I don't feel overly full, though there are some pangs in my stomach. Probably I'm just right.  


This is all so new, kinda scarey and confusing!  Wish I had a support group that I could go to right now, or one that I had attended previously.  Well, will go to the next available!
S. 
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Sunday Morning, Day 11 Post Op

Mar 27, 2011

 I'm savoring this 3/4 cup of coffee with Splenda & French Vanilla (sugar free) Coffee Mate creamer.  I haven't quit coffee.  And, I don't intend to.  I just can't handle the withdrawals.  But, it's more than that.  I love it, I want to keep it.  I'm weeding out everything that's choking me or holding me back in my life, and sorry!  Coffee just isn't one of those things.  I only drink one cup a day.  I've been working on this cup for over an hour.  It's just so enjoyable and comforting to me.  I've had a lot of shocks, trials and tribulations this week.  (Mostly with regard to my relationships with my daughter and my husband.)  I need something sweet and pleasurable.  So, I'm keeping it.  

As I said, though, I'm weeding out EVERYTHING else that doesn't belong.  Including:  thoughts; habits; relationships; work; financial difficulties and clutter; physical limitations.  Everything.  

This is the first time I've added Splenda to anything since surgery.  I've been trying to keep things as simple and natural as possible.  

I want to read my horoscope and plan my week.  My daughter and I are off to the library today.  I'm really looking forward to it, though staying home and writing sounds so sweet and comforting.  But!  I'd probably just fall asleep, so what the Hell?  I might as well get out of the house.

Yes, I'm feeling really dozy.  Might be nice to finish this and pop in the shower… make me ready and rearin' to go.

I feel so good!  It seems impossible to feel this good after my insides have just been rearranged 11 days ago.

I can tell I've lost weight, though I've only weighed myself once since surgery.  I'll come back with an accurate report later.  For now, let's just say I think it's about five pounds, or, it was a couple of days ago.

I've been skirting around the whole weight loss issue, if you can believe that!  Like, "I'll believe it when I see it" or, I just can't believe it.  It's been so long, so many years now of everything that once worked, not working and, in fact, continuing to gain no matter how hard I tried or what I did… that… I just can't believe I will lose weight.  

It kind of scares me, this lack of belief.  I don't want to sabatage myself! I'm afraid my mind will take over and do some magic trick, circumventing this magical surgery and opportunity!  
Still, I've been doing everything right… everything I know I'm supposed to be doing for myself. (Except for not quitting coffee.)

The most exciting thing to me right now is the discovery that I'm like a baby.

Only, it's like I'm birthing myself.  This is true in so many ways, beginning with the first nights/days after I got home from the hospital.

I could only sleep for a few hours, would wake ravenous and feeling vulnerable as an infant.

After I had been home a couple of days, I woke with severe nausea that sent me upstairs, away from my own bathroom and smells within and out onto the back deck in the cool March morning, gasping and popping open a protein shake.  Now I realize I was probably dehydrated and water -- sipped slowly -- may have had a similar calming effect (perhaps)… I don't know.  I was so newly post-op at that time, this may not be true.  Water is strange at first.  You have to take it soooo slowly.

Now, I put a Costco shake on ice before I go to bed and within easy reach for sleeping each night.

Water feels heavy and full and also full of air.  The first sip I took in the hospital tasted SO good, then halfway down my throat, my stomach seemed to know what was coming.  There was all kinds of gurgling and a mild revolt.  Still, the taste was heavenly.  Ditto the tiny amount of ice chips that remained in my cup after the Natzi Nurse was off-duty and the nice one was back.  
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My First Movie Without Popcorn!

Mar 25, 2011


I was dreading going to the movies and not being able to eat popcorn. In fact, I wondered if it could actually be done.  Or, at least, would it be WORTH doing?

It's funny, here I am at 10 days post-op and for whatever reasons I've been avoiding reading the forum posts,  even or especially those posts where people took the time to help me and post back, dealing directly and compassionately with my issues!  (Another devious route of self-destruction?!?    I'm gonna have to be on guard for these!  NOTE TO SELF:  Remember what Dr. V said, "what will you do when you have it all?"  And, I couldn't answer the question!




Finally, I went online to take a look, I really need some help and support and feel lost and confused about what I can/can't do now with the most basic thing in my life:  food/water intake.
 

Anyway, out of all the thousands, maybe millions of posts on OH the ONE I pulled up was regarding my most burning "Can I ever eat popcorn again?"  OH member "Happy Healing" posed the question:

www.obesityhelp.com/forums/rny/4362277/Popcorn-amp-Fast-Food-List/


Several OH members responded to her post in kind. (NOTE TO SELF: 'I love OH! No more denying myself the support I find here!')

Poet_Kelly said: "For popcorn - once you're cleared for regular foods, but in moderation, and get the light kind or at least don't smother it with butter..."  and P. Javellana says in her post from I can only eat the movie popcorn, for some reason.  The one at the movie theater.  Any other, I can't.  I am sure it is the way it is air popped or something.  Strange though.  It took me about 7-8 months to tolerate it...."


I just happened to go to the post(s) that I needed the most, right after they were posted.  I got dressed (minus bra! but + huge raincoat) and my daughter and I were on our way to the movies!


Finally, my daughtger and I were doing something together on spring break!  (Not just THIS spring break, but for many years, I haven't really been able to participate in much at all, physically).

And, I love the movies, they are one of my great pleasures in this life.  Anyway, we are on our way and all I can think of is the time when I get to eat popcorn at the movies.

I'm thinking, "Why even bother going now, if I can't eat everything I want in the dark theatre?  Especially popcorn!"  If it hadn't been a special occasion and if I didn't desprately need to rebuild my relationship and spend time with my daughter, I would have canceled on her!

So… the whole time she is driving  (she still doesn't have her license and it was dark and rainy, curvy rough country road toward are more moutainous, though more cultural neighbor town, headed toward the movie theater… eek!) Instead of thinking about her driving, I'm fantasizing about that first piece of popcorn, possibly two years down the road...  'Even if it's just ONE piece, I will eat it bit by bit.  Even if it takes me a half an hour…'  I'm imagining all the different parts of the puffed cornel and how I'll have to be careful ~ I imagine ~ around and crispy flaky parts of the seed….sadly thinking, 'I may to eliminate those all together.'


Anyway, we almost ran out of gas, so had to stop on the way to the theatre.  By the time we got there we had missed the previews and were 10 minutes into the show.  I used my visa for admission then whipped out a $5 and bought only a bottle of water.  My daughter didn't want anything.  We hurried to the theatre and sat down inside, just before the inciting incident.  Our timing was perfect… we hadn't missed much at all.

We sat in the most comfortable seats!  Right in the middle, I was able to put my feet up, the theatre wasn't too crowded.  We started watching "Paul".  
And, I started thinking about that one piece of popcorn.  I felt it should definitely have butter on it, but dreaded the thought of "dumping" (whatever that is) and in public!  Impossible to consider risking this.  Maybe just a teeny bit of butter, but mostly dry…"

My incision areas were starting to itch, and I felt pain and pulling and stretching where I imagine the scar tissue was forming…  I asked my daughter to open my water for me ('Baby!') and fished out the chopped up pain pills out of my pocket.  I took the prescribed amount, sipped my water, and was instantly drawn in to the movie.  

I forgot all about eating!!!  

I had such a good time!  It felt like the best movie/best time I'd ever had at the theatre in my whole life! (and, this includes some dream dates at the theatre every weekend with myself growing up.  Those Vincent Price marathons… for 50 cents, I'd spend the whole day in the theatre!)

But, this movie was so special.  I would have enjoyed it anyway, I'm sure.  But it kept occuring to me as I laughed and sipped my water and noticed every nuance of the film, utterly undistracted by food, that this was a release for me.  It was a freedom I haven't known in years… maybe never, from my addiction to food.  


I'm in love with this new life, and so grateful.  And, if I died tomorrow, it would all be worth it, just these past few days of my new life. I know it sounds cliche.

I can't even say, "I should have done it sooner" because, honestly, my head wasn't there.

I was holding on to my fat for a reason.  It's going to take a lot to give all that up, now, at this more "advanced" age (and hopefully maturity level! HA!).

The thought that I could be at my right weight…. Have an active healthy full life/ wear my old clothes!  (It's been so long, they're back in style!) Life, laugh, play!

Maybe I'll even love again. Maybe even MAKE love again.

It all seems like a miracle to me.  It's so ike the miracle of my daughter's birth. Only this time, it's me.  
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What A Difference A Day (and a shower) Makes ~ 4 Days Post-Op

Mar 20, 2011

If someone would have told me on Friday, how good I would feel today, I simply would not have believed them.  In fact if someone would have told me PREOPERATIVELY how good I would feel after my shower today, I wouldn't have believed that either.  

My first thought, was, "God what did I do to deserve to feel this way?"

Oh, yeah.  There was the last eighteen years of increasing disability (more was revealed at the hospital just prior to and after surgery) and, worst of all:  regret at the time lost that could have been better spent on healthy activities with my beautiful young daughter, who graduates in 3 months.  

Even my psychologist (my mentor, my angel) tried to prepare me for this (and more to come, AFTER the weight loss) and I just couldn't imagine it.  Answering his question.... "What will you do when you are living the dream?" I was speechless. It seemed impossible.  Considering that option felt like stepping off a cliff into (forgive me) thin air.  

Now I have the answer:  I will remember to grow wings.  I will learn to fly.

(Thanks be to God.)  :)


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Home From The Hospital...

Mar 19, 2011

Not to make a "light" of the situation (HA!)  but... what a trip the beginning of this journey has been.  I really must get to bed now though.  I will update later, in hopes that someone can glean something that may be helpful or of use.  
Cheers to all of you.... you are ALL an inspiration. (Including ones just considering this an option.... this can be one of the longest hardest parts... I know I qualified with my insurance for years before going through with it.)  And, on the way to the hospital, the surgeon's office called to see if I could come earlier because they had had a cancellation!    I felt so bad for that person.... But, I myself had woken up on surgery day thinking, "You know, you don't have to go through with this."  It was kinda like getting married.
I do think I made the right choice, instinct tells me I did, but time will tell.
S.



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In Hospital ~ Surgery Day Arrives

Mar 16, 2011

 A few minutes to go until surgery... I'm nervous, but excited.  That giant poofiness under the sheet is neither fat nor my knees, but a special heating blanket.  A few minutes prior to surgery...
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4 Days until surgery

Mar 11, 2011

I'm going crazy.  I just started back to work (which will be/is a blessing) as an independent contractor for a travel agency.  (I was in the business 18 years ago. Went on maternity leave and never went back!)  I'll be working at home, on my own schedule.   It's very exciting and has given me a reason to live/sense of purpose. (Besides the biggest reason -- my daughter.)

HOWEVER I need to focus.  I have my (first) two reservations to complete and then it's gotta be "all about me".  I'm getting really scared. At my pre-op class, they were going SO FAST.  I felt like I was cramming for a test and if I failed it, I WOULD DIE.

After all this time, never being ready; never thinking it would happen.  And now, it's HERE.  My house is a mess.   I'm spinning, there is so much to do.

Any words of wisdom? When will I really be able to work?  Clean my house? I don't have time right now!  Ahhhhhh.

Many thanks in advance,

IM Svelte <---- Ha!  



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About Me
Location
31.1
BMI
RNY
Surgery
03/16/2011
Surgery Date
Aug 14, 2008
Member Since

Friends 23

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