Sunday Morning, Day 11 Post Op

Mar 27, 2011

 I'm savoring this 3/4 cup of coffee with Splenda & French Vanilla (sugar free) Coffee Mate creamer.  I haven't quit coffee.  And, I don't intend to.  I just can't handle the withdrawals.  But, it's more than that.  I love it, I want to keep it.  I'm weeding out everything that's choking me or holding me back in my life, and sorry!  Coffee just isn't one of those things.  I only drink one cup a day.  I've been working on this cup for over an hour.  It's just so enjoyable and comforting to me.  I've had a lot of shocks, trials and tribulations this week.  (Mostly with regard to my relationships with my daughter and my husband.)  I need something sweet and pleasurable.  So, I'm keeping it.  

As I said, though, I'm weeding out EVERYTHING else that doesn't belong.  Including:  thoughts; habits; relationships; work; financial difficulties and clutter; physical limitations.  Everything.  

This is the first time I've added Splenda to anything since surgery.  I've been trying to keep things as simple and natural as possible.  

I want to read my horoscope and plan my week.  My daughter and I are off to the library today.  I'm really looking forward to it, though staying home and writing sounds so sweet and comforting.  But!  I'd probably just fall asleep, so what the Hell?  I might as well get out of the house.

Yes, I'm feeling really dozy.  Might be nice to finish this and pop in the shower… make me ready and rearin' to go.

I feel so good!  It seems impossible to feel this good after my insides have just been rearranged 11 days ago.

I can tell I've lost weight, though I've only weighed myself once since surgery.  I'll come back with an accurate report later.  For now, let's just say I think it's about five pounds, or, it was a couple of days ago.

I've been skirting around the whole weight loss issue, if you can believe that!  Like, "I'll believe it when I see it" or, I just can't believe it.  It's been so long, so many years now of everything that once worked, not working and, in fact, continuing to gain no matter how hard I tried or what I did… that… I just can't believe I will lose weight.  

It kind of scares me, this lack of belief.  I don't want to sabatage myself! I'm afraid my mind will take over and do some magic trick, circumventing this magical surgery and opportunity!  
Still, I've been doing everything right… everything I know I'm supposed to be doing for myself. (Except for not quitting coffee.)

The most exciting thing to me right now is the discovery that I'm like a baby.

Only, it's like I'm birthing myself.  This is true in so many ways, beginning with the first nights/days after I got home from the hospital.

I could only sleep for a few hours, would wake ravenous and feeling vulnerable as an infant.

After I had been home a couple of days, I woke with severe nausea that sent me upstairs, away from my own bathroom and smells within and out onto the back deck in the cool March morning, gasping and popping open a protein shake.  Now I realize I was probably dehydrated and water -- sipped slowly -- may have had a similar calming effect (perhaps)… I don't know.  I was so newly post-op at that time, this may not be true.  Water is strange at first.  You have to take it soooo slowly.

Now, I put a Costco shake on ice before I go to bed and within easy reach for sleeping each night.

Water feels heavy and full and also full of air.  The first sip I took in the hospital tasted SO good, then halfway down my throat, my stomach seemed to know what was coming.  There was all kinds of gurgling and a mild revolt.  Still, the taste was heavenly.  Ditto the tiny amount of ice chips that remained in my cup after the Natzi Nurse was off-duty and the nice one was back.  

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