Trying Trying Trying

Nov 06, 2011

 I think that after I allowed myself to fully accept that surgery would be my fate I went through something really crazy. It was like all of the sudden I had to say goodbye to food once and for all. Even though my surgery is likely 6-10 months away. Between my last post until about two weeks ago I ate and ate and ate. I did it in secret, I did it in the open. I ate at a restaurant by myself for the first time. It was nuts. Everything just sounded so wonderful that I really wanted to eat it just this one last time--really good pizza, eggs Benedict, fast food, dips, treats, pastas with my favorite sauces. It wa getting really nasty. Everyday I would say "Tomorrow, you are going to get up, drink a protein shake, walk for 30 minutes and eat healthy the rest of the day. But then I would think about a favorite food (and when food is concerned they are almost all favorites) and spiral out of control.

My mom (who by the way is a size 8 and has maybe ballooned to a 12 at her heaviest ever) is on board with the surgery. She said the usual few concerns you hear but by and large she was very supportive. Coming from a skinny family who hate my fat more than anything in their world I knew they would be supportive. Finally, the black sheep will fit in. Baa! Anyway, she kept bringing up stories she has read or seen on the Today show about women ready to have the surgery who just eat and eat and eat before hand because they have given up. Gah! Of course, yes I realize that I am complaining about her off-handedly accusing me of something I had been secretly doing behind her back for a week at that point but still I just couldn't believe that her chief concern was me gaining more weight and not lets see: me dying or having a complication, my recovery and pain, my 3 young kids and my husband and their care while I was recovering. I'm a little PO'd about that. BUT I will not gain to spite her.
On the other hand she did agree to come out for a week to help after the surgery...provided my dad and sister split that week to help her. Whatevs. 

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