4/5/14 - Self reflections can be scary but lying is not an opti

Apr 04, 2014

If I cant be honest with me then with who? I absolutely know I am not alone in my thoughts. I am not the only overweight  person who has secretly thought "damn I wish I could be anorexic"..."I wish I could turn off the compulsive eater in my head and trade it for the compulsive purger". Sick? yes. Neither is good. Both are horrible ways of life. Both are realities and both are destructive behaviors. I do wish that the wrong foods made me violently ill but they don't. I must make the choice every day every other moment to not obsess over how bad food makes me feel good! How easy it is to go through the dunkin doughnuts drive through and get a coffee and a donut. That's what ppl do. You don't just get a coffee! "I" cant just get coffee! So I drive past it. Because I am not strong enough to just get coffee. I am not yet strong enough to drive past and not want to stop for a doughnut! Forget the coffee. I really want a doughnut.

I honestly floated through the first fifty pounds. No real effort but shhh don't tell anyone. But I can absolutely see that once my scale read 199 I kind of felt I did it! Im done! Do I still want to lose more weight? Absolutley! But If I didn't lose another pound I was 1 something not 200 pound plus. My Mind. My mental began to work against my will. Its getting harder and harder to stay focused. I have actually had the conversation with myself that if I gained. When I gained and became bigger or God forbid as big as I used to be my only option is suicide!  How crazy is that!!! But I thought it. I made that agreement with myself! And I know I am not alone.

My weight is definitely an outward sign of my illness. ABSOLUTLEY. and I know I am not alone.

I struggle everyday and I may continue for the rest of my life but trust that every bad food I eat is not without much thought and regret and each time I make a bad choice it was and is a regret and Im working on it.

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