It's all sinking in

Feb 22, 2011

I have never been so excited, scared, and worried all at the same time. After six months of doctor supervised dieting, I finally sent my papers to United Healthcare. The insurance lady at my hospital told us that I had everything that we needed and that I will be approved within the next two weeks. The insurance adjusters at my hospital as well as my surgeon, family doctor, psychiatrist and counselor all say that UHC is really good about approving this type of thing. My mom's best friend had UHC and got approved the first time. Needless to say, everyone is extremely confident that I will get my approval. 

I am so impatient that I know these next two weeks are going to go by SO slowly. But all I can do is wait...and as I wait I think. I am so worried that this isn't going to go through the insurance as smoothly as they say and that something ridiculous is going to happen to push the date back even further. I am excited because things are finally starting to pick up...and I am scared because I feel like this is never going to happen. No way in hell, I don't deserve it. But the thing is that I DO deserve it. I deserve to be healthy and do things that everyone else does.

I'm not scared of things that could go wrong with the surgery yet...if I ever will be. I know there is a chance of death, but I have a higher chance dying early staying the way I am...so the risk with surgery is one that I am willing to take.

I am pretty much happy with myself right now. But who knows, maybe I am unhappy and don't know it because I have never known what it is like to truly be happy with myself. I have never been able to fit the girly clothes, and I never did girly things. To this day I don't really fit in with other girls. Not even at work or in college. I think a lot of it is because of my size. A lot of people see me and are so quick to judge, but in a way I am HAPPY that my size has held those people back because I wouldn't want such nasty people in my life anyway. Even so, I am still being held back by my size. I can't move as well as a 20-year-old is supposed to. I don't sleep like a 20-year-old is supposed to. I don't socialize the way I am supposed to...I don't really do anything the way I am supposed to and I feel that all of this is because of my weight.

For instance, now that I know that at one point in my life I WILL be smaller than I have ever been...the path that I am wanting to take is different. There are careers that I have thought of but never looked at because of my size. There are places I want to go and things I want to see. Before,when I first decided I would love to do or see something, I would quickly dismiss it because I couldn't fit in the plane seats, or couldn't join the Peace Corp because I wasn't healthy enough. I couldn't be an ER nurse because if something happened that required me to run across the hospital, I physically could never do it. Now, when I look at my future, instead of saying "I can't." I think "OHMYGOD I really CAN do those things!!!" I have so much hope now. And that is the most exciting thing of all.

I am about to go on a huge journey. Where I will end up, I am not so sure. I do know that I will hold on tightly and enjoy the ride, and welcome this new life with open arms.


Grace

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About Me
Grove City, OH
Location
33.4
BMI
RNY
Surgery
05/03/2011
Surgery Date
Sep 02, 2010
Member Since

Before & After
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427 poundslbs
212 pounds down
215 poundslbs

Friends 44

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