itzmetami
My name is Tammy. I have been overweight since around my junior year in high school. I was a skinny kid, never really had a problem until high school. I guess the emotional issues I had at that time with family and things going on then are what started my love affair with food. It was always there for me when nothing else was. It was also my "revenge" against my mother, who was always talking about weight and how I never really looked good enough or did anything good enough to please her. I know she never meant any harm, and I love her very much and do not blame her for anything anymore as it was my own fault for taking the route I did. But at that age, I didn't see it that way and can remember how much I just wanted to hurt her and do exactly what she didn't want me to do. So to make her mad, I ate. It was my way of "rebelling" I guess. Of course, I was not hurting her, I was hurting myself - but again, I wasn't aware of that back then. I have never binged or tried starving, it was all about the food. I was overweight about 30-50 lbs by high school graduation, which wasn't a big deal...yet. I still had a great time after school, partied and worked and went to school. I think around age 20, I weighed around 200-230. I got pregnant and had my first child at age 21 and gained about 30# with her. When I gave birth, I weighed a few lbs less than I did when I got pregnant with her. I went from working 2 jobs and on the go all the time to not working at all and staying home with my baby. About 4-5 months later, I had gained about 70 pounds! Then it kind of fluctuated a bit, up and down, and then I got pregnant 2 years later, gained more weight after giving birth again. I think it was around 30-40 lbs. I was around 300lbs when I got pregnant with my youngest child 4 years after that (in 2000). After I had Ciara, I weighed around 345#. I remember thinking that I couldn't do my own bra anymore and I had to do something about it so I went to Slim 4 Life. I paid for a year and lost around 40 lbs, my goal was to get back under 300. After a few months of a severely restricted diet program, I was just starving and had the most severe cravings, nothing like any cravings I've ever had. I started cheating a little here and there and finally just told them I was going to take 2 weeks off the program. I don't think the program was a very good one for my weight, it is an awesome program for people 200# or less maybe but for people as obese as me with that much weight to lose, they really should make some major changes because we are set up to fail. Even with all the excitement of actually losing that much weight and almost hitting my goal of under 300 pounds, the emotional and physical toll of the dieting process took over. And of course, I never went back. I resigned myself to being big forever and dealing with the consequences. I had also, around this time, started hearing about the bariatric surgeries but was out of my reach at the time. I researched a little bit but didn't take it too far. I am a very squeamish person when it comes to anything medical. I've never had any surgeries or been put to sleep for anything, nothing medical except 3 childbirths. Just the thought gave me the shudders, I knew I couldn't do that. I would just have to find another way. After hearing about Carnie Wilson, it really hit and I started thinking maybe I could do it but it was too "new" to me so I just read about it and thought maybe someday. A few years went by, and after going to family fun places that I realized I couldn't be active with my kids (Worlds of Fun and places like that), it started to get to me. Then I had an incident around 2003 I think where my chest was feeling very wrong. I remember thinking this wasn't right, it was tight and painful and I got lightheaded and clammy. My step-dad had recently had a heart attack (and survived thank God) and my symptoms were similar to what he said he had felt. I called 911 and they came out and by the time they get there I was better and they did their tests and said they don't see anything wrong, I decided not to go to the hospital. i did go my dr after that and was referred to a cardiogist. I had a stress test echocardiogram done, numerous ekg's, another echo done, a chest catscan (found out I had a heart murmor but wasn't anything serious), and found out nothing was wrong with my heart. But the pain in my chest came and went and after all the tests came up with nothing I was at square one. But it did make me start thinking about all the health risks with obesity. I started thinking about heart attacks and things that can happen because I allowed myself to get this big. It made me so mad at myself, to think that I could die and leave my children all because of something as preventable as watching what I ate. Of course, we all know how hard it is to change these habits. It isn't just overeating anymore, or eating the wrong foods, it isn't about just changing habits and eating more healthy to lose weight, it is an addiction. Just like drugs or alchohol, it is a food addiction and nobody can overcome these addictions alone, they need help. A couple years went by, it was 2006 and I decided to go back to the dr about the chest issue because, although it had gotten a little better, it was now starting to get worse again. I remember describing it as a huge mass of "something" in my chest that tightens up and hurts and sometimes causes little "episodes". One of these episodes happened while at work, the first episode I had since back when I had been going through all of those tests. Back then, those episodes went away after a few minutes, like the one when I called 911. However, this one lasted more than 10 minutes so I left and went to the emergency room at St. Lukes South. They did tests, found nothing. Again. I went to a different doctor after that and he started testing me for acid reflux. It ended up being diagnosed as acid reflux (Gerd) and I have been taking meds for it, although the meds don't do much. I'm happy it isn't heart related, but I'm smart enough to know that it can be with my weight. The thing that got me though, was that at this first appointment, I weighed 385 pounds. I was shocked, I had thought I was still around 330-340. I didn't feel like I had gained more weight, I thought I was "maintaining". I knew I could NOT keep this up. I refused to allow myself this, it just amazed and mortified me to think I could be over 400 pounds soon! I watch shows of people 400 lbs or more, who can't move or walk or do anything!! I knew I would never survive if I kept going. So I started doing much more extensive research into the surgery, as well as started eating better and trying to lose on my own. The dieting didn't do so well though because when you think about dieting to lose over 200lbs, it seems impossible and I just got overwhelmed with it. My Sprint insurance does not allow any weight loss surgery so I knew I had to switch to my husband's. But I had to wait until my open enrollment to do that. I went to the seminar for Dr. Hoehn (KC Bariatric Center) at Shawnee Mission Med Center and was very impressed. I had friends who know people who recommended Dr. Opie but after doing research on him, there were too many deaths due to complications and it seemed like he would do surgeries on anyone. There was a lady, Dr. Kanwanar or something like that, but Blue Cross did not have her in their network. I had also researched Dr. Sifers at one time and had planned on the BPD surgery based on his information. I'm glad I did not do that as I have done much more research and found this to be a very risky surgery and a much higher death toll due to malnutrition. Also, Dr. Sifers passed away a while back (which I found out on his website). God was looking out for me when I was going through the BPD phase by not allowing my insurance to cover it! I have prayed and prayed over this, and finally decided on the Lapband based on the fact that it is much less surgically invasive and has about a 1 in 200,000 death toll instead of the 1 in 200 listed for RouxnY. However, after much more research, I just can't justify allowing my body to go through something I'm deathly afraid of and only losing 1/4 to 1/2 of what I need to lose. I have concluded that the lapband is just not for someone of my weight, it is much more effective on someone maybe 250 lbs or less. So I finally decided on the RouxNY as my only option. I have peace that I am finally on the right track and God is saying "Finally! She is listening to me!". LOL. It doesn't make it any less scary for me though. I worry everyday and I know I shouldn't because I have put everything in God's hands. I have prayed about this everyday and if I did not have God in my life, I would not make it through this. I can't even imagine how people get by without Him. I now have total peace that this is what God wants me to do and He will be with me every step of the way. If it is my time to go, He will take me. If not, He will allow the surgery to change my life so that I can be healthy and active with my kids again.
Also, I do have a great support group. My husband is wonderful and has the attitude of "if it is what you want, I'll be there for you and if you don't want to do it then I'll still be here for you." And my mom and my sister are behind me 100% and will be helping me out after surgery. So I really don't have any other obstacles to keep me from this!!
So that is my story and I will continue it by using the blog since I've already written a mini-autobiography. :o) And if you are still reading, thank you and God Bless!
