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5 years ago I got onto an operating table and allowed Dr. Pupkova to perform RNY surgery to my morbidly obese, unhealthy, unfit body.  I had the support of my family and the blessings of my primary care physician and insurance company.  In other words, I NEEDED this surgery.

The first year was a whirlwind journey of change.  The weight practically melted off.  I was able to walk up stairs and long distances without getting winded or being in pain.  I came off the medications I was taking for diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, GERD and depression.  I was able to put away my sleep apnea machine and no longer needed injections for heel spurs.  I could buckle my seatbelt, fit in a movie theater seat and a restaurant booth, cross my legs, and sit in the bathtub (all things I could not do before my surgery).  I no longer had to worry about chairs breaking under me, or looking for the widest path from a seat to an exit.  I got compliments daily about how wonderful I looked, what a great job I was doing, and how amazingly happy I was.  I was eating only what I planned, and was exercising on a daily basis.  I ended my 23 year abusive marriage and fell in love with the most wonderful man in the world.

Reality starts to creep back in after that first year or 16 months, though, and life's challenges present themselves.  Most notably, for me, I found my voice, and after being chastised for expressing a mostly unpopular opinion, I shut down emotionally for a while.  I also developed alcoholism post-surgery and it took me 2 years to stop drinking.  I had a significant amount of weight re-gain.  Compliments stop, and other people don't remember how far you've come.  Many people in my world today never even knew me pre-surgery. 

I thank God today that while some challenges may have detoured my path, they did not de-rail me completely.  I will have 2 years sober on Sunday.  I have re-lost all the weight I had re-gained.  I have returned to support group meetings and posting here.  I have learned to hear the supportive words and accept that I have my own voice and do not have to please everybody.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud in OA because I did not lose my weight using "their" program.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud in AA because I only drank for a very short while and often feel like I didn't "suffer enough."  But the one place I fit in absoloutely and completely is here and with other WLS patients.  You guys understand COMPLETELY what this surgery means -- the challenges it presents; and the amazing successes it brings.  I'm no fraud here.  I had the surgery.  I use the tool to the best of my ability.  I struggle.  I share.  I hear wonderfully helpful things from others here.

I have not made a lot of off-line friendships with people here, the way some of you have.  I still have trouble relating to people and being a good friend.  I do, however, sincerely appreciate OH.com and Barix for providing forums for people like us.

My last thoughts for the day on my surgiversary is that somewhere along the way this year I realized that the food focus changes along this journey.  In the beginning, the excitement of losing a lot of weight, the thrill of attention and compliments, and the concentrated effort on doing the right thing with food/exercise was at the center of my life and the focus of my energy and thoughts.  Today, I have to acknowledge that I am still a food addict and compulsive overeater, but I have been given this wonderful gift of RNY.  Today I do what it takes to maintain a healthy way of eating (and moving) so that I maintain a healthy weight.  It's not about MORE anymore -- more weight loss; more control; more exercise; more success.  It's about living one day at a time and enjoying one moment at a time while taking care of my body, mind and spirit to the best of my ability.

Thanks for letting me share.
 

This occurred to me after my consultation appointment, and then became solidified for me while in the shower this morning. 

 

Throughout my entire adult life, my stomach has covered my pubic area, first with a large layer of fat, to the tune of 320 pounds, and then with the pannus resulting from gastric bypass surgery and a 130 pound weight loss.  I do not think this is accidental. 

 

A couple of years before my gastric bypass surgery, I was in a 12-step program working on recovery from food addiction.  One time during an intense meditation, I thought I heard from God.  He said, “You will have a body that matches your witness.”  And I remember thinking, “Yeah, right.  How are You going to pull that off?”  It was a complete surprise to me when I was led in the direction of gastric bypass surgery, which up until that time I had never even considered.

 

Indeed, my weight loss has led me to a body much more in line with how I feel now.  I have freedom like never before.  Not only was I relieved of many medical problems, such as diabetes, GERD, sleep apnea and heel spurs, but I am able to experience intense joy in life that I was previously missing.  I can walk for miles without pain or shortness of breath, where before, putting on my socks raised my heart rate and made me break a sweat.  One of the greatest gifts of this surgery was the confidence which gave me the ability to finally end my 23 year marriage to an abusive, active addict.  I love to share my journey with others in the hopes of helping them in some way.

 

For a while, I was just busy enjoying my new life.  I turned my back on spiritual things for a time.  My detour into alcoholism and some weight re-gain forced me to return to the 12-step way of life, which is where I have been living for the past year and a half.  It is wonderful here, with even more emotional healing having taken place.  I came to understand that my past life experiences had left me with an intimacy disorder.  And while I am in a relationship now with an amazing, gentle and generous man, I was still holding back and keeping walls up all around me.  It was during an OA (Overeaters Anonymous) retreat this past fall that I was given another revelation.  My fat had served a purpose.  It was a form of protection for me.  It provided a buffer between people and me. 

 

The 6^th Step of the 12-step programs is, “We became entirely ready to have God to remove all these defects of character.”  Clearly, a pannus is not a defect of character.  But, at least for me, it is a physical manifestation of that part of my psyche which was broken for a very long time.  I am entirely ready to have it removed.  Up until a few weeks ago, I never even imagined the possibility of life without that layer of armor. 

 

Could this “cosmetic” procedure of a tummy tuck be so much more?  I believe it is.  I’ve referred to it as “reconstructive” surgery.  Now, I think of it as “restorative” surgery.  Medically necessary?  I suppose not.  But a big part of my emotional, spiritual and physical healing?  As of today, I believe it is. 

 

I am putting the whole thing in God’s hands.  I have to seek insurance coverage, as I believe the cost is prohibitive for me to pay out-of-pocket at this time.  I am following my heart on this now, and seeking God’s will in this process.

 

As for the brachioplasty -- pure vanity.  LOL.  No one’s perfect!  Thanks for letting me share.

It is hard for me to believe it has been 4 years since my surgery.  So much has changed.  4 years ago I was married to an abusive, drug-addicted husband.  I was overwhelmed by life.  I weighed 320 pounds, wore size 4X/28, and could not walk up a flight of steps without gasping for breath.  I was being treated for diabetes, high blood pressure, GERD, high cholesterol and depression.  I was a woman of faith, but had no real hopes, dreams or aspirations for the future.

 

It was my faith and a program of recovery (Celebrate Recovery) which led me to the decision to have gastric bypass surgery. 

 

Within the first year following surgery, I had lost 155 pounds.  I went from a size 28 pants to a size 14; 3x tops to mediums.  I could walk for miles without becoming breathless.  The only pills I took were supplements.  I reached all my goals -- sitting in a bathtub; riding the carousel; wearing heels; etc.  I asked my husband for a divorce, sold our house, and fell in love with an amazing, generous, kind, loving man.

 

Unfortunately, with the good also came certain trials.  While I had planned to help others who struggled with food addiction, instead I became proud and vain.  I stopped going to Celebrate Recovery meetings, Barix support groups, and even church.  I wanted to live life to the fullest -- or what I perceived to be the fullest, making up for lost time, as it were.  I got blindsided by alcohol along the way, developing alcoholism about a year and a half after my surgery.  That took me down hard and fast.  It took 2 years for me to get 90 days sober.

 

Today, while I did have some regain, I have maintained a 135 pound weight loss.  I now attend weekly OA meetings and AA meetings.  I sponsor others who are struggling both with food addiction and alcoholism.  I have 85 days of food abstinence today, and will have a year sober on Thursday.  I have learned the importance of recognizing and dealing with my emotions as they come up.  I continue to develop a relationship with my Higher Power and to maintain my recovery using the 12-Steps. 

 

The most important thing I can convey to people is that God met me exactly where I was, but He sure didn’t leave me there.  Even through all the difficulties, trials and struggles, I have received immeasurable gifts of recovery and healing.  I have been given the ability to have hopes and dreams again.  I, along with all of you, have become uniquely useful to those who struggle with obesity and food addiction.

 

So, tomorrow I'll join the losers on the bench.  But for today, I am really concentrating on what it is like to be a fat person, so I will never forget where I've come from and will never lose compassion for those still struggling.

As I walked up the steps today to work, I was out of breath.
When I saw my reflection in the elevator doors, I wanted to turn away,
but I didn't.  I saw what I really look like today.  All the lumps and bumps and 
largeness.  That's me in my green size 4X pants and bright green 3X top.
And there's a little stain on my top from where food has dropped in the past.  
I can never seem to eat without getting something on me!  

I am only having clear liquids today, and I think that's just fine.
Crystal Lite, broth, jello and decaf tea have sustained me through the morning.
At lunch time I walk 2 blocks to a mall, in order to get books for my hospital stay.
I notice other people's butts.  Some small, some larger, but I don't think I saw any as large as mine
At the mall, there is a food court, and a coffee shop, and a popcorn store, and a Godiva chocolatier.
I smell everything.  I want everything.  My addiction is kicking in, and I know I cannot give in.
I feel empowered, tossed with afraid and just a little sad.

On the way back to the office, I notice my knees burn, my back hurts, my hips ache.
I'm out of breath again, and sweating profusely.  I avoid the sidewalk grate. 
I don't want to fall through!
There's that stupid elevator door again with my reflection in it.  
I'm back at my desk, drinking my Crystal Lite.  Relieved to be off my feet.

I feel great! I'm eating better than I ever have. I am never hungry and never full. I'm eating on a plan that my surgeon and nutritionist gave me. I'm wearing clothes in sizes I never thought I'd see again. I am free from compulsive eating and cravings.

My energy level has gone through the roof, and I am able to do things I haven't done in years. Mark left on Friday, and I feel peaceful, relaxed and energized. I'm cleaning the house in preparation for showing it in order to sell it. I worked for hours at a time, non-stop, this weekend. I used to have to break down my cleaning into 15 minute intervals and then rest for 30 minutes because my back and knees would be killing me. I used to have to ask the kids to help pick things up off of the floor because I couldn't bend. Not this weekend! I feel invincible!

Oh my God, you can't even imagine. All the common rooms in my house are now decluttered, dusted and vacuumed, and so is my bedroom. I think there are about 20 garbage bags of crap outside, In the past three days I cleaned my kitchen, living room, dining room, computer room, 2 bathrooms, laundry room and my bedroom. I have done mountains of laundry, which is all folded and put away. All I have left are the kids' rooms, which I intend to tackle this week. My goal is to have the entire house cleaned and ready to show by next weekend. Now, the repairs still need to be done, but at least I won't be mortified to have someone walk through my house.

As for keeping it this way, the kids are all on board. They have each been assigned a room to KEEP clean. And I've apparently turned into a witch with a capital B. They tell me I'm changing. I tell them I am done being a doormat and their personal slave.

On top of doing all this cleaning, I have also found time to finish writing my testimony of victory, which I hope to give at retreats, recovery meetings, and anywhere else the Lord leads!

jill

I no longer have to sit to put on my undies and pants.

I no longer conserve all my steps during the day. I'll walk down the hall every time I have a copy or delivery to make, rather than saving it up for one time in order to save my energy.

It's my first week back to work, and Friday's are dress down days. I got a pair of jeans from a friend and I'm wearing them. They are a size 20. 7 weeks ago when I started this journey, my size 26 jeans were tight. These 20's are a bit tight, but they're over my butt and that's good enough for me! AND my plain grey shirt is an extra-large rather than the 3XL that I would have had on when I left work 7 weeks ago for surgery

I've had a few really good days in a row here. I started back to work on Monday. I'm getting so many compliments on my new look. Not only have I lost 37 pounds, but I started wearing makeup, and my wardrobe has been tweaked thanks to some generous clothing donations. Of course I also think it helped to have 6 weeks of de-stressing and some time in the sun.

The train stairs: These dreaded steps. Every time I approached them, I would cringe because about half-way up I'd want to die. Sometimes I had to stop then and rest before climbing the rest of the way up. ALWAYS I had to stop at the top and rest for a couple of minutes before I could continue my walk home. So, Monday I approached them in the same way, with dread-filled anticipation. I got half-way and I was fine. Mark was waiting for me at the top. I said, "Now comes the real test." I got to the top, did NOT have to rest, continued walking AND talking!!!!! Mark was impressed. But don't you know that I didn't trust that. Yesterday I again approached the stairs with dread, thinking Monday was just a lucky fluke. This time Sheila was waiting at the top as I climbed the steps and started walking and talking. She interrupted me to point out that I didn't need to rest at all, and she did a pretty good imitation of what I USED to look like when I got to the top of the steps. LOL.

After having a conversation with my Celebrate Recovery sponsor, I had a long talk with Mark about how the only thing that will save our marriage is if he can put CONSISTENT energy into the relationship. He's been great the past couple of days, but we'll have to wait and see how long that lasts. Mark took me out to dinner last night. We went to a diner, and I slid into the booth without any trouble, and was able to sit there comfortably. I ordered onion soup and a salad. I was only able to eat about 1/2 the soup, including 1/2 the cheese, and about 4 bites of the salad. I took my time, and so was finished with that amount when Mark was done with his entire steak dinner that included several sides and an appetizer. I was THRILLED with being able to eat such a small amount and still feel satisfied. In fact, I felt a little full after that.

To work it off, I went to the gym (with my daughters) where we worked out for 30 minutes (like Curves). Then this morning I was up at 5:30 to walk my mile. I feel fantastic!!!

Someone called me positive and inspirational today.  That means the world to me.  She said she read my whole blog.  Poor thing.  LOL.  But that made me realize that I hadn't written since my surgery on May 31, 2007.  

My name is Jill.  I am a recovering food addict.  I have 11 days of abstinence, and I feel GREAT!!!!!

The surgery itself went well.  My stay in the hospital was uneventful, although it did include one mini-meltdown and a weird pain in the neck that was worse than the pain from surgery.  It went away though.

Since coming home, I've been walking 3 times a day.  I started around the block and now am up to 2 blocks.  Mr. Sparkles is really enjoying our morning walks; and Sheila comes with me for my evening walk.  Yesterday it was too hot to walk in the afternoon.

Yesterday I had a difficult moment when my husband ordered pizza and tuna subs for the family, and my dinner was 8 oz of chicken broth.  I got a little sad.  A part of me wanted to eat pizza and tuna, but I just knew that wasn't a possibility.  And the really funny thing is that they were all finished with their dinners before I even finished my cup of broth.  And I thought, "Are they even enjoying what they're eating?"  I don't think they were.  I'll tell you what.  When I CAN eat regular food, I am going to enjoy every single bite of it.

Pre Admission Testing

Wow, they really want to make sure I do okay with this surgery! The clinic I am going to is really incredible. Bariatric surgery is all they do.

Yesterday I went for PATs. I got there and they went over my insurance coverage information. I really have great coverage. The MOST I'd have to put out of pocket is $500, and it'll probably be less than that.

I had to be weighed in. My surgeon WILL NOT do the surgery if you gain any weight between your consultation date and your surgery date. I was terrified to step on the scale. But I had actually lost 4 pounds, so that was very good.

Then it was on to the laboratory where they took my temperature and blood pressure -- which was an amazing 115/56. They commented on how I must not be worried at all. Good thing they didn't take it BEFORE I got weighed! Personally, I think it was because I actually took my meds in the morning. LOL. They then drew 5 tubes of blood. Next I went into an exam room where I got changed. I had a chest x-ray and ekg done in there. That was followed by pulmonary function tests.

At that point, I was given an incentive spirometer to practice with at home. (It's a machine you use to measure inhalations) I was also given a scrubbie to use on my belly the morning of surgery. Unfortunately, because my BMI is over 50, I also had to have an aterial blood gas drawn. Not fun, but not as bad as I expected. After that, the nurse read my CPAP machine, on which I have clocked over 500 hours. She said that was very good.

Another nurse came in and took my medical history again, checking what medications I am on, among other things. She gave me some basic eating and exercise instructions, some handouts to read, and explained what happens at the hospital. The one thing she said that I found very interesting is this: After surgery, the opening between my stomach and intestine is only the size of the head of a ballpoint pen. This is the reason why I am on a liquid diet for so long. It's because of swelling and healing. At 6 weeks out, which is when I'm allowed "normal" food, this opening is only the size of an M&M. Try to eat something bigger, and it will get stuck, causing me to vomit it up, or requiring surgical intervention to remove it. So I was instructed to CHEW CHEW CHEW everything to DEATH at that point.

Next it was the nutritionist who came to visit. She gave me a binder full of information. They call it the Barix Bible. It has recipes for every stage (clear liquid, full liquid, puree, soft foods, regular foods). She told me that my goals are: 64 oz of fluid daily; 70 grams of protein daily; no more than 10 grams of fat per meal; no more than 2 grams of added sugar per serving in anything I eat. We went over how to read food labels. I have dates for when I go on to each new phase. This binder also has menu ideas, info on complications, and even a section on emotional issues and relationships.

I was given two protein drinks to try. Protein is VERY important after surgery, so that you don't lose muscle, your hair doesn't fall out (too much), and you still have energy. Since food is out of the question for several weeks, protein powders make getting protein in possible. I also bought a container of Capuccino flavored powder. I want to get a few more before surgery -- like chocolate, vanilla, fuzzy navel and non-flavored.

FINALLY, the doctor came in. I swear he was from another planet. He took huge pauses between each word. I am SO glad he's not my surgeon!!! He reviewed my lab results and said everything was fine. He switched my hypertension meds to one without a water pill. He said I'll use that after the surgery instead of my current med, because he doesn't want me dehydrating after surgery. He gave me the all clear.

One more thing before I left. A nurse took me outside to take a "before" picture. Then I went home and took a nap. Doctor appointments are exhausting!!!

I was thinking about our office Christmas party this year. Yeah, I realize it's only May and I haven't had my surgery yet, but I like to plan ahead. So... I picture myself in this great dress, wearing stockings and heeled shoes. And then I think these parties usually include alcohol and food. And then I picture myself ordering water with lemon. And I picture myself taking a few pieces of sushi, or a couple of cheese cubes, a small piece of chicken and a couple of green beans. And I think, I'll plant myself out on the dance floor and dance like I've never danced before, BECAUSE I CAN!!!

I like envisioning myself in different situations like these before it happens.

Thoughts for today.  While walking into work this morning, I saw someone I usually take the train in with. She looks like she has lost some weight.  She seemed narrower, and her butt looked smaller.  And I thought, she lost weight.  That's all.  Her body is a little smaller.  It's just weight.  It doesn't make her better, just a little smaller.

But for me, losing weight is so much more than losing weight.  It's so much more than a number or a size.  It's so much more than shrinking, or becoming smaller or more narrow.  It's LIFE.

For me, losing weight means getting my life back.  It means being able to do the things I can't do now.  Little things like cutting my own toenails, crossing my legs, wearing panty hose.  Bigger things like riding a bike, riding a horse, running around the block.  Lifesaving things like not having high blood sugar, high blood pressure or high cholesterol.

When people look at me, they will only see the physical me.  What I look like, and maybe even what I can do differently.  But they will not know the struggles I've gone through, the desperation, the depression, the rationalization.  They will not know that it has been life and death for me.  They will not see the giving up of food addiction.  

I suppose it is that way for the alcoholic.  No one knows by looking at him what he's been through, or where he's come from.