5 year surgiversary

May 30, 2012

5 years ago I got onto an operating table and allowed Dr. Pupkova to perform RNY surgery to my morbidly obese, unhealthy, unfit body.  I had the support of my family and the blessings of my primary care physician and insurance company.  In other words, I NEEDED this surgery.

The first year was a whirlwind journey of change.  The weight practically melted off.  I was able to walk up stairs and long distances without getting winded or being in pain.  I came off the medications I was taking for diabetes, hypertension, high cholesterol, GERD and depression.  I was able to put away my sleep apnea machine and no longer needed injections for heel spurs.  I could buckle my seatbelt, fit in a movie theater seat and a restaurant booth, cross my legs, and sit in the bathtub (all things I could not do before my surgery).  I no longer had to worry about chairs breaking under me, or looking for the widest path from a seat to an exit.  I got compliments daily about how wonderful I looked, what a great job I was doing, and how amazingly happy I was.  I was eating only what I planned, and was exercising on a daily basis.  I ended my 23 year abusive marriage and fell in love with the most wonderful man in the world.

Reality starts to creep back in after that first year or 16 months, though, and life's challenges present themselves.  Most notably, for me, I found my voice, and after being chastised for expressing a mostly unpopular opinion, I shut down emotionally for a while.  I also developed alcoholism post-surgery and it took me 2 years to stop drinking.  I had a significant amount of weight re-gain.  Compliments stop, and other people don't remember how far you've come.  Many people in my world today never even knew me pre-surgery. 

I thank God today that while some challenges may have detoured my path, they did not de-rail me completely.  I will have 2 years sober on Sunday.  I have re-lost all the weight I had re-gained.  I have returned to support group meetings and posting here.  I have learned to hear the supportive words and accept that I have my own voice and do not have to please everybody.

Sometimes I feel like a fraud in OA because I did not lose my weight using "their" program.  Sometimes I feel like a fraud in AA because I only drank for a very short while and often feel like I didn't "suffer enough."  But the one place I fit in absoloutely and completely is here and with other WLS patients.  You guys understand COMPLETELY what this surgery means -- the challenges it presents; and the amazing successes it brings.  I'm no fraud here.  I had the surgery.  I use the tool to the best of my ability.  I struggle.  I share.  I hear wonderfully helpful things from others here.

I have not made a lot of off-line friendships with people here, the way some of you have.  I still have trouble relating to people and being a good friend.  I do, however, sincerely appreciate OH.com and Barix for providing forums for people like us.

My last thoughts for the day on my surgiversary is that somewhere along the way this year I realized that the food focus changes along this journey.  In the beginning, the excitement of losing a lot of weight, the thrill of attention and compliments, and the concentrated effort on doing the right thing with food/exercise was at the center of my life and the focus of my energy and thoughts.  Today, I have to acknowledge that I am still a food addict and compulsive overeater, but I have been given this wonderful gift of RNY.  Today I do what it takes to maintain a healthy way of eating (and moving) so that I maintain a healthy weight.  It's not about MORE anymore -- more weight loss; more control; more exercise; more success.  It's about living one day at a time and enjoying one moment at a time while taking care of my body, mind and spirit to the best of my ability.

Thanks for letting me share.
 

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