Another wake-up call

Feb 04, 2009

I just weighed myself for the first time since April, and I've GAINED 31 lbs. I am so pissed to be back in the 300 lb range.

Actually, I think I was weighed after I came back from Spain in July, and I was the same weight as my last check-up. So I've gained 31 lbs. in about 6 months.

I miss the days when I was LOSING 30 lbs. a month. This is not easy anymore.

I was avoiding looking at the number on the scale, because in the past seeing that I'm not doing well just got me discouraged. But I can tell by the ways my clothes don't fit as well that I've gained, and wanted a number as a reference point. Yesterday I went to aqua fitness for the first time since last spring, and I'm going to weigh myself regularly now.

I need to stop trying to figure out what messed up, me or my tool, and just move forward from where I am. If I can gain back 30 lbs. I know I'll gain back the other 50 I lost, and I do NOT want to do that.

I just hate how my weight always seems like something I can't control. I guess it's a testament to how I'm still not putting my health first in my life. I've made some changes that should help me, but maybe that's not enough. I still stress-eat; I still binge on sweets when I know it makes me tired and occasionally dump. I still think I can have just 1 cookie after repeatedly devouring the entire box in one night. By now I should've learned: it has to be all or NOTHING with me.

I need to remind myself I'm not making these changes because I hate myself and my current body. I'm doing it because I LOVE myself, and want the best life possible. My eating habits are just a symptom of my emotional state, so if I work out those issues my entire life will be happier. I feel like that is what the surgeons don't tell you about; how gastric patients use food as a coping mechanism, and once that's no longer an option, you have to figure out how else to deal. Otherwise, you go back to food.

As disappointed/upset as I am right now, this is definitely the wake-up call I need. Maybe I should do the 5-day pouch test to kickstart things...any advice? 

0 Comments