oh well

Feb 19, 2012

Found out last friday I was denied a tummy tuck by the ins co.  Whether I am going to appeal or not is still up in the air.  I have other crap on my plate right now and to be honest, I guess I don't really care one way or another if I get this skin removed.  Sure it'd be nice, but I figure I destroyed my body all by myself, so if this is my cross to bear because of it, so be it.

I find I can eat anything now...it's bittersweet and has me a bit paranoid cuz I dont want to go back to where I was.  I'm still very much a food addict and I know its not impossible to see weight get back on me.

As always, life must go on. 
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Who knew life could get so good?

Jun 13, 2011

I am finally in a relationship with an amazing woman!  And I can honestly say I've never been this happy in my whole life!  And I know I'd never be confident enough to be with anyone if I was still heavy.  I can't believe this same time last year I was still above 300!  What a mind fuck that is!!!!!!!!!!  But damn, I'm so happy!!! :)

Still having issues with my wound on my rear.  Gonna see a specialist in a week or so, so that's a relief.  Hopefully we can put an end to all my suffering and I can finally get on with my life.  Cuz this not working shit is for the birds!!!

I hope whomever reads this is doing well, whether you're pre-op or post....just know, TRUST ME ON THIS, life does get better! :)  Would I lie to you? 
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Oh well.

May 17, 2011

Easy come, easy go.  It doesn't look like I'll be getting my tummy tuck any time soon.  :(  Wah.  But oh well.  I got what I really wanted and that was the surgery to lose the weight in the first place.  If a tummy tuck is meant to be, it'll happen...someday.
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Could it be???

Apr 20, 2011

It appears I MIGHT POSSIBLY be getting my TT next month.  I'm afraid to get too excited about it cuz I have to wait and see if I even get insurance to cover it.  If they don't...no sweat.  If it's meant to be, it'll happen.  It'd just be super cool if it happened sooner than later. LOL!  I will for surely tell everyone if it ends up happening...AND I will post some gross before, and eventually AFTER pics. :) 

My weight has been in limbo for a while.  I'm constantly at 201...can't seem to get past it!  And then yesterday morning my son broke my scale (accidently) so I will have to wait for a bit before I know if I've hit onderland yet or not.  At least I know if I get my TT, obviously I'll dip closer to my goal weight. 

But for now, I gotta chill about it.  No sense in getting too happy just yet.

Hope all is well for everyone and that your losses are high and your butts are shakin! WOO!  Isn't this whole journey one giant mind fuck? 

Well it has been for me! :)

PEACE
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It's been a while...

Feb 14, 2011

Well we got moved into our new apartment, and for the most part I like it a lot.  Sure there is a posessed child that lives below us who screams bloody murder 24/7, but oh well.  Kids usually grow out of those obnoxious stages.  Afterall, I think he's only 18 months, so what the hell could I possibly do or say to make him stop acting his age? Really? LOL!

I've been desperately seeking employment now that we're settled...but of course, I have to have another damn surgery.  This one is going to be on the 28th of this month and it's going to be, yet again, work on my ass.  I've had issues with this damn pilonidal cyst for 2 years and counting.  There is so much fluid built up and pain...its just disgusting.  And here I am, with a new bod, sure its not perfect, but so what, and I want to get out there and date and hopefully have sex again before I die.  That's gonna have to continue sitting on the backburner for an indefinite amount of time. *sigh*  I'm also still having issues with psoriasis.  yay me.  But at least I've finally seen a dermatologist and am recieving light therapy and so far its working.  Unfortunately tho, THAT TOO will have to be put on hold when surgery time is here.  grand.   Needless to say, this holding pattern I've been in for over a decade, is getting more than OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I pray and pray and pray that this time things will finally heal properly and I can start living OUTSIDE of the home.  I need a break from this!

Haven't seen my surgeon for a very long time.  I really have no desire to.  He's a moron and I don't like how he treats his patients...well me at any rate.  I guess if I ever need to see a surgeon for RNY issues, I'll just go back to the guy who fixed my strictures.  He's my surgeons partner, and not only is he HAWT, he's super nice, and actually talks to me. 

I have a few bad habits going on at the moment...and I don't recommend them to anyone.  I've got an addiction now to Fun Dip...you know those little packets of sugar with the sugar stick to dip it in.  Yeah, i'm eating that shit.  Why?  Fuck if i know.  Haven't been gaining weight, but then not losing real fast anymore either. LOL...god i'm stupid as hell.  The last time i weighed myself I was 211...that was last week? maybe?  I'm afraid to check again in case I've gained.  I need to quit that sugar shit cuz I'm just going to shoot myself in the foot otherwise.
My other sin...discovered I can drink diet coke without issue.  So stupid.  BUT, since I can't work for a while, I'm not really going to be having a lot of money, so out with the pop cuz I DONT NEED IT.  Jeez, whats wrong with me? 

I am still eating shrimp, and cheesey raviolis and getting my protein mainly thru food.  I'm finally getting my vitamins in on a regular basis...yay jen!  And the smoking...well if my 20 year old daughter would quit, it'd be way easier for me to.  I dont smoke very often, just mainly on the weekends...but still, c'mon and quit already. 

My sleep patterns are getting better.  I am having to share a room with my daughter at this new place, which is OK for the most part...but she doesn't have to get up in the AM like I do, so she tends to stay up all night and I end up sleeping in the living room. LOL!  I just know if the roles were reversed, she'd be pissed as hell at me for being so rude.  But being the peacekeeper that I am, I don't say a word.  I'm sure that'll change come the end of the month when i'm hurting after surgery and just want some peace and quiet and sleep in my own bed.  ( I didn't think both beds would fit in that room on moving day and broke down crying until I figured it out...I really didn't want a bed in the dining room LOL)

We finally got all the boxes unpacked and the pictures all hung up and its looking really cute in here.  Wish I could have the world over to see how nice it all looks.  LOL!  Ever feel like that when you're proud of something?  I'll be happier when i'm working tho and dont have to worry about money issues anymore.  I wanna put those worries to bed once and for good!

Well folks...I guess I don't have anything else to report.  Just wanted to get NOW documented for when I look back on it later. 

I hope whomever is reading this is doing great!  And if anyone ever needs anything, I will do what I can to help. :)

Take care all!
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Today is my birthday

Dec 30, 2010

I turn 42 today.  To me, age is just a number, not a state of mind.

A year ago I weighed at LEAST 360.  (probably more)  Today I weigh 230 or less...I haven't weighed myself in a couple weeks so I don't know the actual number.  To me, weight is more than a number...but I'm too tired to get deep at the moment. :)   When I started my weight loss journey, I topped the scales at 400 and my bmi was in the 60's!!!  Now it's 40.  I just can't believe it.  Despite all the bullshit with the endoscopys that I went thru and the pain and suffering etc etc etc...at this point I can say it's worth it.  I mean my skin still needs to clear up and my hair needs to grow back, but it's all part of my process and I know those things will improve with time.

After years of wondering if my mortgage co would work with me, and them giving me false hope, the rug was finally pulled out and my house was foreclosed.  Thanks to my ex putting MY house on his bankruptsy thingie.  Stupid prick.  But karma is getting him good so that makes me happy.  The kids and I are moving to an apartment, which isn't so bad.  It has it's perks...no more yard work or shoveling.  The downside is I have to give up my beloved dog.  I pray she finds a wonderful new family and continues to be a happy girl.  Can't think about it too much tho cuz it makes me very sad.

I had a great Christmas.  I was able to enjoy all sorts of foods like shrimp and beef tenderloin and ham and cheesey potatoes.  I even had a few nibbles of coffee cake.  I'm glad shrimp goes down so well because I LOVE it so much.  I even bought some for myself.  It's probably my favorite seafood.  Tuna is still kinda difficult to eat if I don't chop it up real fine first.  I've been experimenting with different recipies to find what works best for me.  Right now it seems this turkey stew type thing I make agrees with me most.  AND I LOVE the cooked carrots. LOL!  I'm so into flavors these days and trying to find new things to cook up.  I'm still addicted to the food network, but now its mainly so I can learn stuff and not just drool at what I can't have. 

I got myself an icecream cake when i was out yesterday.  I predict I won't eat hardly any of it.  I just hope it's good so the kids eat it up.  (both very skinny people...grrr)  So my plan today is eat shrimp and ice cream cake and toast in the new year with a smidge of bubbly. 

One of my weight loss goals this year is to find a damn protein drink that doesn't make me sick.  You'd think with all the technology today, someone can invent something that doesn't suck.  Or that you have to mess with in order for it to be tolerable.  I'm trying to add more food proteins to my diet but since I really don't eat often, it's difficult to get that done.  SO I really need this protein drink.  blech.  I refuse to give up the search tho.  I really want my hair back!  And some muscle would be nice too.  That's another goal, to start doing some weight training because my arms are so weak these days, that its hard for me to lift things that used to be easy.  I know all this happened because for so many months all I was eating was chicken noodle soup...and when things were really bad, I just drank the broth and gave the chicken and noodles to my dog.  Heck, she didn't complain. LOL!  I try to make sure that everything I eat has some sort of protein in it...which is why I am so happy that the shrimp works so well for me.  I can't imagine getting tired of it.  although i'm sure i will. lol

I need to make a dr appt and get my blood checked.  I think it's been 3 months.  Theres just been so much going on, trying to prepare for our move.  So i'm hoping once we're moved and settled I can get in there and get it taken care of.  And I see a dermatologist in about a week and a half, so hopefully they can give me something to help clear up my skin...besides just steroid cream.  I hate excema with a passion!!!!!  I look like a cross between a dalmation and a leper.  gross.  Can't go out and have casual sex when I look like crap....joking.  Of course I can! ;)

Anyway, the new year is upon us and I predict 2011 is gonna be awesome.  Many positive changes have been happening for me, and now I can finally enjoy them to the fullest. 

I hope whomever reads this has a very blessed 2011.  Whether you're pre-op or post, hang in there.  Time takes care of everything.  And if you read all my blogs from beginning to end, you know that you're not alone in your journey.  And if you ever need to talk to someone, although I don't claim to be an expert in any sense of the word, I will do what I can to help or listen or whatever you may need.

Goodbye 2010...thanks for not sucking too much. :)
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The power of prayer

Nov 12, 2010

I am by no means religious...but I do believe in a higher power.
I believe this is why my stent removal surgery went so well today.
I feel AMAZING FINALLY!  No more sickness!!!  I hope it lasts! :)
I've even lost 2 more lbs.  yippeee skiipppeeee!!!
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This is just a quickie

Nov 10, 2010

Want to document my fucked up brain.

First of all, I'm scared to death of my surgery coming up on Friday.  I hope and pray this is the last one until plastic surgery time.  Every time I think of it, I cry.  I'm being serious too.  So yeah, that sucks.

Haven't been able to take my antidepressants in a month...and since I have bi-polar and other assorted issues, I am fit to be tied.  I told my mom that she's gonna have to have me committed if I can't take my meds soon.  I put a call out to my med specialist and HOPEFULLY they'll either find a liquid replacement or an injection I can do myself.  Cuz the way I've been feeling is scary, at best.

A very intelligent woman on the forums told me some good info about strictures and stents and I'm going to take this info with me on Friday and hopefully be HEARD so we can remedy this problem once and for all.

Sure my weight is coming off like its supposed to, but at what cost.  I'm not entirely sure I'd recommend this surgery for anyone after everything I've been thru.  I'll tell ya what, If I can't even eat mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving, you can bet your sweet ass I am going to be in a horrible mood that day.

Ok, signing off before I say something damaging about ........hell who knows.  I'll update after Friday and hopefully have something decent to report.
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Slowly but surely

Sep 26, 2010

It's been a long past couple months.  I haven't been following my diet to the letter because I miss crunching so much.  I think that's what I was addicted to as well as food.  Textures, tastes...so I was on this chip addiction for a while, but that really put the cabosh on the weight loss.  So now, thanks to the smart chicks on the forums, I've moved onto almonds.  Probably NOT the kind I SHOULD eat...but still, I'm getting some damn protein so yay for that.  I have been losing weight, just at a MUCH slower pace.  It's totally my fault and I need to figure out a way to get back on track.  *sigh* good luck to me.

Still struggling with smoking too.  God I don't know why I think I need some sort of vice.  I don't.  But this addictive personality of mine is making it rough.  My son will surely disown me if I don't just quit for good.  And who could blame him really?  Certainly not I.

Been meeting men from the online dating service I belong to.  Good god what a bunch of losers these people are.  I had one guy telling me he loved me within like 24 hours of talking to him on the phone.  THEN when I did go meet him, he totally man-handled me like I was a piece of meat.  Needless to say I dont talk to him anymore.  And then I met this gross bald guy who was kinda an albino and had scabs on his bald head.  So gross.  And he put the moves on me too.  WTF?  I'm still fat!  But fat, my friends, does not equal desperate....not even slightly.  I'm so damn picky that if I don't meet someone who meets my requirements mentally and physically, well, I guess I'm just going to give up my search.  No point in looking for something that doesn't exist.  Am I right?  Damn straight I am. ;)

The weather is turning cooler which I LOVE.  I loathe summer.  It'll be interesting to see what I think of it next year when I'm hopefully smaller.  I really hope I'm not done losing weight.  I've lost almost 100 lbs since my surgery.  WOW!  I need to buckle down a lose 100 more to reach goal.  Hope I can do it and not totally screw everything up.  I'm so glad I can't eat cheeseburgers...cuz Id be eating one right now if I could.  Yes I miss them, but shit, I prefer feeling thnner.  by far!

All my shirts are too big and look stupid on me.  I Found some smaller jeans in my closet which are starting to feel too big. LOL!  Love it.  I dont know what I'm going to do about a coat this year, because I'm certainly not going to invest in a new one.  Maybe I'll go check out the goodwill or something.  I'm sure if I tried to wear my old one...which was a 6 x?  It'd totally swallow me up. LOL!  :)  oh happy day. 
AND I feel smaller in my car too.  Last winter I was all smashed up against my steering wheel.  NO shit.  Now I have to move the seat up a bit so I'm not so far away.  LOL!  Makes me giddy. 

What I dont like is my bony ass (which I'm getting some plastic done on next month) and I dont like my bony knees when I try to sleep at night.  I do enjoy seeing my collar bones again and when I suck it in (lol) i can see my ribs!  I can't even fathom what its going to be like 100 more lbs from now.  I haven't been the size I'm at now in over 10 years.  After 20 more lbs ,I'll be the weight I was after my son was born 16 years ago.  NO foolin.

This trip has been mind blowing.  Yes there have been many shitty days, and days I really beat myself up for whatever reason...but over all I am loving me again.  If/when I kick these bad habits, I'll learn to adore myself! :) (god that sounded creepy)


Continued success to ALL of you.  And if you are like I once was and are waiting/hoping to get the surgery...please be patient.  If you don't give up, it WILL happen for you.  This I promise.  Took me 10 years, and I'm glad its happening now.  I appreciate it more I think. 

Happy Fall Everyone! 
5 comments

shitty attitude alert

Sep 04, 2010

yeah dont read this...i'm just venting.

finally was diagnosed with bronchitis this week when i had to go to the er cuz i couldn't breathe.  the dr put me on steroids.  ever been on steroids? they make you want to eat constantly.  so yeah, gaining more weight. grand

i'm so over this fucking weight loss bullshit.  i doubt i'll ever achieve my goal.  it just seems like forever.  and myskin is so loose and gross it makes me sick.  i feel like a giant jiggly puke ball.

gonna look for a job here pretty soon.  i'm sure that'll go down into a ball of flames too.

ok well i'm gonna stfu.  and go spread my cheer elsewhere.

goodnight
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About Me
Omaha, NE
Location
32.8
BMI
RNY
Surgery
05/10/2010
Surgery Date
Jul 14, 2006
Member Since

Friends 4

Latest Blog 33

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