Just venting and an update after 8 months...

Jan 10, 2010

So here I am 8 months out and 121 lbs down and believe me I'm happy about this but discouraged somewhat with the 60 lbs that I have a head of me. I remember how daunting it was for me to think of losing two hundred pounds when I initially set my goal weighing in above 380 lbs. I thought no way am I ever going to lose 200 lbs. Well here I am at 260ish and I'm lighter than I was when I met my husband, I'm in a size 22 and I'm feeling so much better, but at the same time really having a hard time getting my head around the next 60lbs. In November I went to see the NUT and Dr. Toder for 6 month follow up. The NUT was well not overly impressed with my progress since I'd only lost 80 since surgery and should be father ahead in their eyes... they want me at 236 by Feb. (not sure they are going to get that) so I went to Dr. Toder very discouraged and awaiting further un impressed attitudes.... but she was thrilled with me and praised me for losing over 100 lbs and absolutely considered the fact that I started at 380 and not at 350 on surgery day. I left feeling hopeful and good that she was behind me. Dr. Toder believes I should be able to reach a goal of 180 which was my original goal in the beginning, which would be a whopping 200lbs. The nut things I'm going to settle alittle over 200 and should be happy with that. I really want to prove them wrong on that one.
So here's where I'm struggling. As some of my fellow bypass patients have done so welll at exercising, I have not. I've struggled from the beginning and those of you who know me well enough know that it has affected my outcomes... It's definately easier to get going and get into it now but it's harder to stick to it and to even get the gumption up to do it. I know I need to hurry up because my small window of time is closing fast....
During the last few months I've found out that I was "most likely" pregnant and lost a baby through a "chemical pregancy" in which I know is the best thing because i'm not ready physically, but oh am I ready mentally. I was really hopeful but I know I need more time. I worry that I'm never going to have that joy in my life.
I need to stop making excuses and get my butt in gear and I need to hurry up and do it and get used to it so that I can settle into a life long pattern.... I guess it's time to really get the butt in gear long term...
Thanks for listening.. I'll try to be on here more and be more involved so that I can get teh value of a great support network!

It's been a busy summer...

Sep 14, 2009

So I've not been great about being on OH or being involved in my support groups, I have missed the last two at Three Dog Cafe because of going away on those weekends.

I'm doing okay. Keeping busy and loving the process. It was hard at first.... lots of puking and yuckiness but I'm feeling better and I'm not vomitting as much!

Today I'm four lbs away from hitting 100 lbs since starting this process and 75 since surgery! I'm at just over four months and things are going slow but at least they are going!

I know I need to get better at going to the gym and working out, but it's been hard with graduate school and work being busy, I need to stop making excuses. It's time to milk this for what it's worth in the honeymoon phase!

I'm so proud of others such as Melanie, Tracy and Kelley, and Kelly they are doing such great jobs! I just hope that my slow progress doesn't mean it's not going to happen to the same degree for me !

My goal still is to lose 200lbs and i'm half way there almost! I just hope I can do it!

Sorry I've been MIA!

3 Month Nut Appointment & Updates

Aug 03, 2009

Today I had my three month nut appointment class. I weighed myself this morning and I was at 296 but of course on their scales I weighed 304 but that's okay cause I'm going by my scales.

I'm finally under 300 for the first time in almost 8 years!!! I'm feeling good for the most part and I have lost 20% of my excess body weight and only 4 lbs of muscle weight.

I've gone from a size 30 to fitting into size 24. I'm so happy I did this! 

2 week appointments update!

May 20, 2009

So today I was in Bangor for my two week post up follow up appointments with the surgeon and the Dietician.

I met with Mark at Downeast Surgical Associates and he was wonderful. I was at 338.6 according to their scales (334 at home) and he was very pleased. He took off my steri strips and answered some questions. I can start exercising as long as it's walking but no water aerobics yet, darn I really wanted to join Tracy at the gym! He said after I see Dr.Toder. Still off all my meds except one (off two blood pressure and metformin)!!

Then later I met with Amanda, my NUT and she went over where I'm at. I was only at 6% weight loss according to them since surgery but she felt it might have a lot to do with the amount of stuff they pumped into me in the hospital, I had gained 5 pounds when I went home!!!  I was cleared for the Phase 3- soft proteins! WOOHHOO because as you guys know I was about to go nuts on protein shakes!!!

So we went grocery shopping and I tried some tuna with light mayo first, but it was alittle dry and didn't go down well so I stopped and then tried low fat roast beef deli meat, it was great!!! So far I'm feeling good!

Well that's it for  now! I'll keep you all updated, tomorrow I'm going back to work for a half a day to get back into the grind!

1 comment

Thanks to the girls!

Mar 19, 2009

Thanks to wonderful friends, Melanie & Tracy, I am feeling very motivated and in a great mood. Today marks 50 days til surgery. I'm actually very excited and I think it was good to hear all the encouraging words and information about what to expect from two people who are on the other side of this journey and still helping me get there. THANKS GIRLS!

On a second note, I'm actually using my tread mill this week and have been feeling okay about it, it's tough, it's one of my least favorite things to do, and hard to get motivated!! But I know I need to do it.

Well I'mout for tonight, not much to say except thank you to my friends and for the motivation!


58 Days and counting...

Mar 12, 2009

    So, here I am about 58 days til surgery and I'm stressed. I can't really explain it, it's like part of me doesn't believe yet that it's really going to happen. I have a hard time getting my butt into gear, and just doing what I know I need to do. I think that's the addiction part of this, it's so easy for me to talk myself into eating something "just one more time" or starting the program "tomorrow". WHY do I do this to myself? I want this, I really do and I want to be healthy, thin, able to run with my husband and have children and so many other things in life... but I continually sabatoge myself too. WHY? My plan is to go liquid diet for the next 58 days with an occasional substitution of a smart one or low fat protein for one meal. I need to either go HARD Core committed or just not do this I think. I think it's the middle of the road stuff that makes it so hard for me.
I'm also so (I mean really lots, and maybe this is really it) scared that I'm going to do this and FAIL. It's hard for me to even say that.  I've pretty much been a failure so far, so what makes this different right? I've always struggled with teh confidence to believe in myself and support myself in doing what I need to do. I can do it for others, I can fiercly defend, support and encourage others to do what is necessary, so why can't I do it for the person that needs it the most from me, ME?
I weighed myself on Tuesday- I was 362.8, which is down again since the surgeron appointment even with adding 5lbs for her scale. But honestly did not eat well yesterday and I'm beating myself up about it, which makes me want to eat more, what a vicious cycle.

So I'm thinking I'm going to write my very BLUNT, CANDID list of Reasons to BE THINNER on here- Put it out to the world and to reinforce for me SOME of the MANY reasons I'm here and going through this. So enjoy- it's probably going to be a little more blunt then some would be.. but that's just me!

Reasons for Having Surgery-

1. Health- I currently suffer from High Blood Pressure, Panic Attacks, Infertility and lack of menstruation, fatigue, Sleep Apnea, Carpal Tunel Sydrome, Depression, Vertigo (at times), Gout (at times) and other issues.
2. Children- I want to have children someday, at this point I don't have periods, and I have only ever had one on my own, but others with medications. Doctor's have looked me in the face and told me it's because I'm fat, I've been diagnosed with Sydrome X and Pre-Diabetes which a fertility doctor stated is affecting my fertility as well.
3. My Relationship-  I'm married to a wonderful man, who is a runner, ex-Marine and very active person. He loves me and cares for me, but I know I frustrate him when I shy away from physically active situations or activities such as climbing mountains, playing in mud flats, etc. For ex, a couple of years ago we went to Quebec City, we fought a lot of the time because I wanted to take Taxi's to destinations that we could walk to, but I didn't want to be continuously sweaty and windy in front of him, even though we have been together almost 10 years.
4. My Sex Life - Again, I'm married to a wondeful, very sexy man who is very attractive and who doesn't get that much intimacy from me (I often wonder what makes him stay?) I don't want to have sex very often, when I do I don't want to do it any other way then missionary (which is his last favorite) and half the time I don't enjoy it because I can't shut my brain off. Enough said.
5. Daily Routine Stuff-  This might sound stupid, but you ladies or men that have been severly overweight will understand, doing very simple tasks can be very hard sometimes. One I state a lot to my friends is the task of going to the bathroom, stalls are often small, it's often hard to reach around to the back of me, and getting in and out of stalls and around doors is hard, our world is not made for fat people. Chairs is another thing, I can pretty much size up a booth before sitting down if I'm going to fit or not at a restaurant, it's sad that I focus alot of attention on where I'm going to sit and if I'm going to fit instead of having fun. 
6. Confidence/Self Esteem/The Way others see me-  I'm sick of being looked at like the fat girl, the friend, being pitied for being the way I am. I want to walk with my head held high and confidence. I want to know that I'm beautiful and believe it. I want others to look at me and think I'm attractive and I want to be admired by the opposite sex, or heck even the same sex.
7. Clothes/Shopping- I want to be able to buy normal, cool clothes at a normal store that isn't specializing in plus size clothing. I want to be able to not hide behind black clothing all the time and I would like to feel confident in a bathing suit someday, as the water is one of my favorite places to be.

This is it for now, I've got a huge list at home, but really I don't want to go into it all... some of it believe it or not is private, but who would know after what I just shared.

I guess I just need to kick my ass in gear, get moving, get going and do this, or I'm never going to reap the rewards stated above.

Thank you for listening.


2nd appointmen with surgeon

Feb 27, 2009

Well today- with the help of my best friend Kels, i went to my six week follow up appointment with dr. Toder after being there on January 13th and having gained weight- she almost didn't let me go ahead in the program. So today I was so nervous to go and scared that I wouldn't be able to have lost anything. I woke up and weighed myself and was down according to my scale and so we headed out.
We got there and last time I was there I had gained 12 lbs and weighed in at the heaviest I have ever been at 376 and today i weighed in at 370. Down six lbs in six weeks. I didn't think that was took bad.
Although Dr. Toder had wished for more she was somewhat encouraging at least and agreed she did not need to see me again until surgery on May 7th. She wants me down to 350 by then and that will mean 2lbs a week for the next 9 weeks.
I know I can do it but I'm also scared too. I think dr. toder is great but at the same time I have a real hard time with criticim after I feel I have been trying so hard. I am going to need a lot of encouragement but I know I can do it. I can't wait until May 7th!

The big "Date"!

Jan 27, 2009

So here I am again pondering life...

Today I got my date for surgery- May 7th (was the 14th but they fit me in sooner) and don't get me wrong I'm excited, just also nervous and overwhelmed and all that stuff. In many ways it makes it real and in many ways I wish it was so much sooner - Like tomorrow! :)

Things are okay- I am still not eating as well as I could but I'm getting there. Last night I got on the new treadmill for awhile and did some exercise instead of none. Tonight I just got home and I'm probably not going to since I'm pooped!

Today I made an appointment with a counselor to get back into working on some of the anxiety/panic disorder stuff as well as my relationship with food and my mental "cop-outs" regarding food prior to surgery. Wish me luck here, it's always hard starting to go to counseling for yourself when your job is to help and counselor others- I think me being a social worker already makes it even harder for me to let go in counseling and not try to micro-organize everything including the counselor.

So, I've found some wonderful and encouraging people on here so far and I appreciate all the help and support and can't wait to meet more people. thank you all for your kind words!



Insurance approval Day!

Jan 26, 2009

Today i got my insurance approval letter in the mail, and according to my surgeon's office should have a date sometime tomorrow. I'm excited and nervous.
Today was a harder day for me eating wise, and well dealing with people at work who don't agree with my decision. I have come to terms with my decision and feel that I have come into this with much more knowledge than most people considering my best friend and mother are both over a year out!
I'm ready and if I could go tomrorow I would go happily.
I'm discouraged though because I did slack off during the time between my appointments with the dietician, psychological evaluation etc and gained some weight, when i went to see the surgeon on the 13th, their scales showed me up 12 lbs... which although different then my scales, was enough! Of course, Dr. Toder was not happy with me and I understand that I need to show I'm serious about this. Our goal ( and I say ours because it's Dr. Toder's orders too) are for me to be at 350 by surgery and I go for a follow up at Dr. Toder's on the 27th of February and if i'm not making progress then she won't do the surgery. I think i needed this wakeup call as stupid as that sounds, but my head is what gets me in trouble, I have a "screw it attitude sometimes" which means I eat crappy sometimes.... I need to stop!
Thank goodness for my mom's support through this and for telling me about this website today... I'm very excited about connecting with people on here and staying motivated!
Well, that' s it for today!

Blog From November 2008- Coming out about my Journey!

Jan 26, 2009

I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time, but really until today didn’t quite feel all that ready to do this, and although I am doing this today, I may very well erase the whole thing on a whim at some point, so with that disclaimer please read on….
I’m not new to this whole Blog thing, in fact there was a time in my life where I blogged quite regularly. I’m in a new place in my life where many major changes will be coming down my path and I thought what better to do but put it all out there for the world (or should I say my friends on facebook) to read.
Please be aware that some of this information is going to be of a very sensitive nature for me because mainly it’s about me and although I make statements and assumptions about things in this blog, that it really is my opinion and should not be reflected on what I think of others who have been in similar places.
I should of started this blog three months ago, but I will attempt to re-cap it all for you that you have missed. By now your probably wondering…. What the hell is she talking about?
I’m talking about Gastric Bypass Surgery and a complete life change!
A year ago on October 13, 2007 my mother (my best friend) was admitted to EMMC in Bangor with myself and my step dad by her side as she under went gastric bypass surgery. On that day, I thought that this was not the way for me to go, my husband was absolutely against it, and I was supportive to my mother, but no where in my mind considering it.
A month later my best friend, Kelley Ann, had GPS (Gastric Bypass Surgery). I have spent the last year with two of my most favorite women in the world going through huge changes in their lives. Together they have lost almost 300 lbs and are doing wonderful. With their permission I may some day post photo’s of their change, but otherwise it is their story to tell.
So, about three months ago….. is where my story starts.
Me, being against this option for myself was adamant there was another way for so long, but after yo-yo dieting, medications, and many different health thingies… I came to the decision it was time to go to the informational and support group meeting which is where the process begins. I chose EMMC because I have never had a bad experience there, both through my mom’s surgery and my grandmother’s passing almost two years ago. My mother’s doctor is Dr. Toder and having met her through other support groups I attended with my mom and on the day of my mom’s surgery, I felt very good about her as my doctor should I decide to move forward.
So I scheduled to attend the 1st step of this process: Informational Session/Support Group for June 6th, 2008. That’s all great and dandy, until I chickened out. I cancelled this first appointment, thinking again I would figure this out. I was seeing a new fertility specialist (we’ll get to that later) and he had renewed some hope for me. I had started going to the gym and doing water aerobics.
This was good for awhile, but then I realized. I should still go and see what it’s about, at least hear them out right? And I got my husband to agree to go too, which helped, considering he in now way supported this idea at this point…. Saying things such as “it’s the easy way out”.
On August 1st, 2008 I attended the Orientation Class from 2-4pm and the following Support Group from 430-630 pm at EMMC. This officially put me on the list to begin my process towards surgery.
The Orientation was a two hour process that detailed the surgery types such a lap band, sleevectomy, and GPS. It went over the details of our stay in the hospital, what is required before surgery and what to expect after. Then came the support group, which for me was the beginning of me setting my mind on this path.
There was a very large support meeting this particular evening, with well over 50 people present and people at all stages of progress after surgery from 6-10 year out to two months after surgery. It was very motivating and encouraging to see and hear about how others have been in the exact same place I am.
I guess that brings me to a short story about me. I’ve always been a heavy, overweight, chunky, husky, plump, fat, girl (however you want to say it) and I’ve always been affected by it in some way or another whether I want to really admit it or not. In middle school I was picked on “fatso, lard ass” and jokes like “I think your pretty- Pretty Ugly”. In high school I was the “friend” to everyone, never dated until my senior year, and had my first kiss when I was almost 17. I didn’t get to wear the cool “in” clothes and covered myself in sweats and big clothing. In college, I began to come into my own more, became more confident in my skin, but continued to gain weight. My freshman year in college I weighed in at 285. I met my husband and lost some weight, had a wonderful college experience, but still longed to be healthier and skinnier. My senior year in college I began taking medication for high blood pressure, and started to have knew problems. Not to mention never having a regular menstrual cycle. I would go a year at a time without periods. After graduation and getting married, weight came on even easier and my eating habits worsened. For years I tried to convince myself I didn’t want children, but really it came down to not thinking I would ever have children. I began to suffer from more medical problems such as gout, vertigo, sleep apnea, anxiety, depression, back problems, sleeping problems, etc etc…
I will not in the blog say what I way today, but it’s more than college. Maybe someday I will get over the fear of putting that out there to the world, but for now, I’m not in a place where I am ready to. Thank you for understanding.
So back to my journey….
After the informational it was required that I go back to my sleep specialist doctor to determine if my sleep apnea was bad enough to be put on what is called a CPAP machine to regulate my breathing during my sleep. By the middle of September I had brought home my CPAP machine and began using it. Believe me, it took a good two months to get used to sleeping with something on my face, but now I sleep through the night with it and feel much more rested all day and my blood pressure is better.
On September 18, 2008 I attended an all day Dietary Class and Physical Therapy appointment through EMMC, two more of the requirements prior to seeing a surgeon. At this point I still had not totally committed to doing this for sure. We learned about how we would have to eat after surgery, what types of foods to avoid, and ways to make it easier for mobility being a larger person. The down point for me, being shown tools that aide in bathroom duties because for some they are too big to even wipe. Although I had not got there yet, it definitely hit me hard.
On October 3, 2008 I attended a Psychological Evaluation at Acadia Hospital in Bangor to be evaluated for my readiness to have surgery. This probably was the easiest part of me considering I’m a social worker and have seen the process before. I took a large multiple answer test and a eating survey. I was told that I was done the fastest they have ever seen. It was really easy if you ask me. Then I met with the Dr. and was evaluated as ready to have surgery. He felt I also had a diagnosis of Anxiety Disorder with Panic Attacks.
That afternoon I met one on one with my person dietician and found out that I had lost 7 lbs since my first weigh in. I was on cloud 9 about this and very happy that I was on track. She felt I was doing wonderful and was ready to move forward. Then came the bad news. Dr. Toder was booking into Feb of 09, and I was ready for December! By the time I got an initial appointment with her I would probably not have surgery in April. We discussed other options and I agreed to go see Dr. Huang, since he was still looking at December/January times.
Then the waiting started… By now something had clicked for me and I’m not even sure when, but I had made up my mind, I was starting to plan for surgery, life after and time off from school and work.
One day I got a letter in the mail from the surgeon’s office. I knew this was my appointment, but when I opened it I could be nothing but disappointed. My appointment was for Dec 9th with Dr. Haung. A whole two months away…. I was very disappointed that things were not moving faster… and my eating went down hill from here, kind of a Fuck it attitude persisted.
So here I am, awaiting my 29th birthday tomorrow and about to head down a new path towards a new me. Although I will not see my surgeon until December I am mostly at peace with my decision, as I see my mother and Kelley both hitting their one year anniversary’s and wearing size 12’s it makes me so happy and jealous of them. I hope to some day be as successful.
So now I await surgery, and look forward to moving on with my life, having babies, etc.We have just moved into our first home together and things are going well.
I plan to blog on here about my journey as much as possible. Please feel free to comment or ask questions… but please understand it’s all a very personal journey for me.
Thank you all for your support and encouragement!

About Me
Rockland, Maine,
Surgery Date
Jan 26, 2009
Member Since

Friends 22

Latest Blog 10