58 Days and counting...
Mar 12, 2009
So, here I am about 58 days til surgery and I'm stressed. I can't really explain it, it's like part of me doesn't believe yet that it's really going to happen. I have a hard time getting my butt into gear, and just doing what I know I need to do. I think that's the addiction part of this, it's so easy for me to talk myself into eating something "just one more time" or starting the program "tomorrow". WHY do I do this to myself? I want this, I really do and I want to be healthy, thin, able to run with my husband and have children and so many other things in life... but I continually sabatoge myself too. WHY? My plan is to go liquid diet for the next 58 days with an occasional substitution of a smart one or low fat protein for one meal. I need to either go HARD Core committed or just not do this I think. I think it's the middle of the road stuff that makes it so hard for me.
I'm also so (I mean really lots, and maybe this is really it) scared that I'm going to do this and FAIL. It's hard for me to even say that. I've pretty much been a failure so far, so what makes this different right? I've always struggled with teh confidence to believe in myself and support myself in doing what I need to do. I can do it for others, I can fiercly defend, support and encourage others to do what is necessary, so why can't I do it for the person that needs it the most from me, ME?
I weighed myself on Tuesday- I was 362.8, which is down again since the surgeron appointment even with adding 5lbs for her scale. But honestly did not eat well yesterday and I'm beating myself up about it, which makes me want to eat more, what a vicious cycle.
So I'm thinking I'm going to write my very BLUNT, CANDID list of Reasons to BE THINNER on here- Put it out to the world and to reinforce for me SOME of the MANY reasons I'm here and going through this. So enjoy- it's probably going to be a little more blunt then some would be.. but that's just me!
Reasons for Having Surgery-
1. Health- I currently suffer from High Blood Pressure, Panic Attacks, Infertility and lack of menstruation, fatigue, Sleep Apnea, Carpal Tunel Sydrome, Depression, Vertigo (at times), Gout (at times) and other issues.
2. Children- I want to have children someday, at this point I don't have periods, and I have only ever had one on my own, but others with medications. Doctor's have looked me in the face and told me it's because I'm fat, I've been diagnosed with Sydrome X and Pre-Diabetes which a fertility doctor stated is affecting my fertility as well.
3. My Relationship- I'm married to a wonderful man, who is a runner, ex-Marine and very active person. He loves me and cares for me, but I know I frustrate him when I shy away from physically active situations or activities such as climbing mountains, playing in mud flats, etc. For ex, a couple of years ago we went to Quebec City, we fought a lot of the time because I wanted to take Taxi's to destinations that we could walk to, but I didn't want to be continuously sweaty and windy in front of him, even though we have been together almost 10 years.
4. My Sex Life - Again, I'm married to a wondeful, very sexy man who is very attractive and who doesn't get that much intimacy from me (I often wonder what makes him stay?) I don't want to have sex very often, when I do I don't want to do it any other way then missionary (which is his last favorite) and half the time I don't enjoy it because I can't shut my brain off. Enough said.
5. Daily Routine Stuff- This might sound stupid, but you ladies or men that have been severly overweight will understand, doing very simple tasks can be very hard sometimes. One I state a lot to my friends is the task of going to the bathroom, stalls are often small, it's often hard to reach around to the back of me, and getting in and out of stalls and around doors is hard, our world is not made for fat people. Chairs is another thing, I can pretty much size up a booth before sitting down if I'm going to fit or not at a restaurant, it's sad that I focus alot of attention on where I'm going to sit and if I'm going to fit instead of having fun.
6. Confidence/Self Esteem/The Way others see me- I'm sick of being looked at like the fat girl, the friend, being pitied for being the way I am. I want to walk with my head held high and confidence. I want to know that I'm beautiful and believe it. I want others to look at me and think I'm attractive and I want to be admired by the opposite sex, or heck even the same sex.
7. Clothes/Shopping- I want to be able to buy normal, cool clothes at a normal store that isn't specializing in plus size clothing. I want to be able to not hide behind black clothing all the time and I would like to feel confident in a bathing suit someday, as the water is one of my favorite places to be.
This is it for now, I've got a huge list at home, but really I don't want to go into it all... some of it believe it or not is private, but who would know after what I just shared.
I guess I just need to kick my ass in gear, get moving, get going and do this, or I'm never going to reap the rewards stated above.
Thank you for listening.