Some of the deepest thoughts I've had in a long time

May 29, 2012

I spent a few days down at Edisto Beach with the extended family this last weekend so my batteries are recharged and I just kept thinking to myself..."next time, I won't have to wear this gosh awful ugly bathing suit and I'll be riding my bike around the island"

 Everything is on track, endo went well and insurance covered a big chunk of it...still got stuck with about $600 in out of pocket but still better then 2 grand, sleep study sucked, I could never do that again and be happy, and I got a date of June 25th.  Today I started getting used to the preop diet and I'm going to try and do it for 3 weeks prior plus using this week as an adjustment to get used to it and figure out when I need to eat and all.  My morning shake usually keeps me full until 12 and I actually notice myself getting run down before I feel any hunger so that is a good thing.  I have my preop class, stuff at the hospital and ultrasound on the 5th, can't believe it's only a week away, and then my last appt with Dr Hughes on the 12th.  I hope to make it to the support group on the 5th as well, guess I'll just make a day of it in the big city.

 I was doing really good with all of it until a couple of days ago.  It all started becoming real and some of the doubts started creeping in.  Why don't I just try dieting one more time, what am I thinking, I'm going to miss food too much, etc, etc.  Even though I know there are other things I'd love to do when I'm able, it scares me some that I'm taking away something that brings me so much joy.  It's silly because I absolutely love and adore my husband and little boy and we've been having great adventures every weekend that I love but I almost feel like taking away the food will be like pulling out the card that's holding up the whole house of cards and not having anything to replace it with.  I can't believe I've become so dependant on food.  The other part is that I'm getting ready to leave my comfort zone.  Fat old me is just who I've been and identified with for so long now that even though it isn't phsycially comfortable, it is comfortable to me.  Change is such a scary thing and I think the enormity of the change I am about to make is just now settling in.  It's not just about losing pounds and fat, it's losing that security blanket the one that allows you to be in a room but not be seen or paid attention to, that I could always use as my reason for failing at something whether it was the reason or not.  People may actually start seeing me again and it's funny because I used to love to be the center of attention and the class clown and now it scares the hell out of me that people might start to notice me.

At first I was thinking this was just about losing weight, be healthy and able to do things with my 18month old and husband and lets be honest, a chance to buy awesome clothes and not at Lane Bryant prices.  Now I'm starting to realize it's going to be journey, one that will lead me both foward towards and amazing and fun filled future but also that will take me back a little bit to rediscover that fearless young lady who always took the lead in a roomful of people, the person who when people laughed around me, I smiled knowing it was because I'd done or said something witty and fun, not the person who hears laughter and thinks it's about me.  I hope to find that young girl that dreamed of one day being a fighter pilot because these days I'm too afraid to tell anyone I had wanted to do that because they'd take one look at me and be like "yea right" they don't make flighsuits in that size.  I'm lucky that I do remember that person and that my husband knew her as well and liked her enough to marry her. 

Please forgive me but this is my first blog post ever so it and the next few will probably be all over the place.

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