jenn227

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I was thinking about some things I'm not going to miss...and I've got quite a few!

1. When another heavy person says things like, "She's so skinny, don't you just hate her?" Um, no, I really do not tend to hate people based on their weight. 

2.  Worrying that the airplane seatbelt is not going to close.

3.  Taking a kajillion pills every morning and every night.

4.  Being the sweaty girl at the party...ew!

5.  Old lady bathing suits!

6.  My stomach getting in the way when I ride my bike.

7.  Deleting almost every picture of myself from my phone/camera if it makes me look fat!

8.  Mindless eating.

9.  My stomach springing out of my tights at inappropriate times in work!

10.  The constant dread that this weight is killing me.

I had a pretty brutal day in work today.  Had to store grades for the elementary schools, and there were some glitches with the report cards.  Overall not the worst time, but still hard to deal with that when I had work men TALKING non stop in my office for the 1st and last hours of the days.  They were nice, but very, very vocal!  I also was working on a very tedious report all day long, so my patience was a bit thin.  There is also a whole bunch of drama going on over our contracts, so overall, today gave me a headache!  In the past, I would definitely be ending my night mindlessly snacking and drinking wine.  I love the fact that I have finally identified this very bad and unnecessary habit.  I came home and made dinner, ran to the gym and did my Aqua Zumba class (that I LOVE!), came home and ate 2 braised chicken thighs and steamed veggies, and now I'm having my Sleepy Time Tea while I watch Top Chef. I'm still not "dieting" but I decided I will not snack or have wine this week after dinner.  I am trying to get myself out of my bad habits before my surgery.  I can't wait to go to the meeting at the surgeon's this Friday...it feels like a month since I made the appointment!  I can't wait to have a ticker at the bottom of my screen tracking my weight loss progress :)

I had a good day yesterday.  I tracked all of my food, activity and water.  I'm not really "dieting" but did not have any wine or snacks after dinner last night.  I ran home after work, cooked pasta and reheated the chicken parm/sauce for the kids to eat for dinner.  I put the catfish in the oven and had them take it out for me and went to the gym.  Did my Aqua Power Hour, which I LOVE!  Got in a really good workout and felt great afterward.  I showered at the gym, but left my hair wet so I could do it when I got home.  I had a piece of the fish (my food scale came yesterday, but the batteries they provided must be dying...it only says Lo!! Have to get new batteries today!).  I also ate some salad and some whole grain angel hair pasta.  After dinner, I did my introductory assignment for one of my classes (the other I did at lunch time), and then dried and curled my hair.  By the time I was done all of that, it was almost 10:00!  I made myself a cup of sleepy time tea and sat down with the hubby to watch a little tv.  I should have gone to bed.  There was nothing on!  But I didn't snack!!  I am really trying to be aware of what/why I am eating.  I definitely have an issue with "rewarding" myself at night, but also for grazing to stay awake.  I do NOT want to do that anymore!  I remember when I was finally able to break my smoking habit, part of it was I was so sick of cigarettes ruling my life.  The same goes for food!

One of the things that is freaking me out, though, is the no drinking water with meals...that is such a foreign concept!  I know that eating slower and timing my eating/drinking is going to be so hard to get used to.  I wish I were further along in the process.  Just waiting til Friday to have my initial meeting is making me crazy.  I feel like I am two steps ahead of that part already!

I have been trying to picture my life and ME after surgery.  I don't want to have this huge inter tube around my mid section anymore.  I want to sit down and not feel like I am choking on my own internal organs.  I want to get into a plane seat and not have to sweat like a pig trying to get the stinking seat belt buckled (that was a rude awakening!!).  I want to look at pictures of myself and not think I look like someone stuck an air hose into me.  I still look the same, but way PUFFIER!  I do not want to take all of these medicines anymore and still worry constantly that I am a ticking time bomb.  Sigh...I want to be healthy again.

I am so looking forward to Friday.  I know my husband is very hesitant about this.  I told him some of the websites I have checked out and I think he looked at some. He's coming with me though on Friday, so hopefully this will help him understand the process better.  I feel to my core, though, that this is RIGHT.  I need to do this for myself, and I need to do it right away.  I am too young to be this obese and this sick.  I don't really feel the effects of the sickness yet, but my body is slowly deteriorating.  I want this to stop, and I want to take back control of my own body and life.

So that's my blog today...I hope everyone out there is feeling fine!

Well, actually, not really!  I woke up before my alarm today, feeling bloated and full from my late night snacking...which was a good thing.  I tracked everything I ate this weekend (well, guestamating on weights of food...my new scale is supposed to arrive today!).  But I didn't change my eating habits. I wanted a true picture of my eating habits.  My plan today is to track my food again all day, but no snacking/wine tonight.  In fact, this is my plan for this week.  I am definitely going to the gym for my 6:30 pm Aqua Power Hour class, and after that, I will find other things to do for me!  I'm thinking a nice cup of tea would be something I can look forward to! 

I start my 2 online classes today, too.  I'll check them out at lunch time today.  Hopefully I can get my homework done at lunch time like I did for my interim class; if not, I'll need to work on that after the gym, too.

How do I feel on this Monday?  Well, full!  But also hopeful and energized.  I am really looking forward to my appointment on Friday so I can really get started on this journey.  I made my breakfast and a snack to bring to work, and I have my dinner planned out for tonight (fish), so I'll just need to run and get a salad or something for lunch.

Happy Monday morning everyone!

I had an appointment with my GI doctor last Friday, mainly to schedule a colonoscopy and to discuss my continuing high cholesterol and fatty liver. I last saw him about 2 years ago and he recommended that I lose weight.  This diagnosis reduced me to tears back then, because I have been in a constant battle with my weight for YEARS.  I have done WW, I have done SB, I have bought several exercise programs, I have bought a treadmill and I have joined a gym.  The most weight I have lost has been 25 lbs, and then I stall and cannot lose anymore.  Then I wind up getting frustrated and put the weight back on.  I am not a stupid person and I am not a lazy person, but I cannot lose this weight.  This weight is actually killing me, slowly but surely.  I have at least 100 lbs to lose, now I have diabetes, high BP, high cholesterol and fatty liver disease.  WTH.  I am only 44 (almost 45) years old.  Every visit with my GP makes me feel like a failure and I HATE getting on that scale, because even when I am in my zone of eating right and exercise, I cannot make that scale go down.  Ugh. 

I was dreading this GI visit, because I obviously have not lost the recommended weight and now my health problems have gotten worse.  Then the doctor said something that reduced me to tears again, but this time tears of shock and relief.  He said he wanted me to go for a consultation with a Bariatric Surgeon.  He went on to say that based on my stats and my history, I was someone that can be saved.  He said I do not have to be a sad story of someone who winds up dying early or having their foot amputated due to diabetes or other health problems.  My head was spinning, but I felt a little bit of that constant dread lift off of my shoulders. There might be something out there that can help me finally get control of my health and my weight.

I have been online more or less non-stop since then.  I started making my appointment for my informational class (this upcoming Friday) and then checked out the surgeon's website.  I Googled Bariatric Weight Loss Surgery and started researching the 3 main types: banding, bypass and the sleeve.  I visited forums and groups and found this awesome website!  I have become 100% convinced that the sleeve surgery can change my life, and I am praying that my insurance will cover this procedure.  I am trying not to make myself crazy thinking about what if's at this point; I will go to that original meeting and find out my options. 

I have also become very aware of the other aspects of this weight loss journey.  I will definitely need psychological help to prevent me from my current eating disorder.  I used to smoke, alot!  And I used to reward myself for getting through my crazy, chaotic days by smoking and talking on my phone at the end of the night.  That was my "me" time, my reward.  Since I stopped smoking, I have definitely transferred that "reward" to snacking on carbs and wine.  My rewards..but why do I need to stick something in my mouth to be rewarded!!  Ok, that sounds dirty, lol.  But that is definitely something I need to examine and change. 

So I am trying to get through this week, hopeful but not too anxious (because I of course snack more then!).  I started tracking my meals and exercise on this site (finally cancelling my WW account.  I have been working AROUND my points for years now) and have started a journal, mainly questions for the surgeon. 

I was trying to imagine what I could transfer as my reward...what do I like to do?  One thing I really enjoy is to write.  So I have a thought that I might try blogging instead of snacking at night.  I have no idea if this will fulfill my oral fixation, but I can try!

I am now at the beginning of my journey, instead of struggling through to the end.  That is such a huge difference in how I have been feeling, literally for years, that I know that I am starting on a better path.