Changes in the Brain-Pan

Oct 10, 2011

 When I started this journey, I thought I knew what to expect. I thought I was so prepared for everything. I saw so many pitfalls from other people’s journeys and felt as I was armed with this knowledge of things that could happen, I could avoid it. For the most part, other people’s problems, I have.

This entry isn’t about complaining about anything bad, let me just put that out there. I’m feeling introspective and I am learning to come to terms with the shift in my mentality post weight loss surgery.

First issue, I was a carb nazi for the first while after surgery. I was terrified of them and wanted to keep them out of my diet for as long as possible. Then I learned the hard way that you must have carbs because you must have fiber. My maximum carb intake has relaxed quite a bit, but I’m still pretty vigilant. I want to make sure I get in 25g of fiber a day and to do that I have to go near 100gms of carbs. Does it freak me out the way it used to? Not really, I still get edgy when I see my logged carbs near or over and I immediately make adjustments, but I don’t think it’s entirely unhealthy, especially since I log my food at the beginning of the day and can make adjustments rather than doing it at the end of the day and beating myself up for making less than stellar choices I can’t take back.

Issue the next, my idea of beauty is shifting. Does anyone else feel they were more attractive when they were fatter? I was so used to making myself I was beautiful when I was fat that it’s hard sometimes so see myself as attractive now that my face shape has changed so drastically. Some days I feel downright unattractive, other days I’m over the moon with my reflection. I’m a lot harsher on myself than on my friends who have lost weight. I think it’s because I see them less and I see inside of them more than their appearance. I’m also self-centered, so it could be that too. But seriously it’s bizarre, did I get so good at lying to myself over the years? Or does my brain just need time to catch up with my body? My husband finds me incredibly sexy and beautiful, he’s adjusting much quicker than I am, perhaps.

This last one, I find humorous, disturbing, and oddly comforting. I spent most of my adult life wearing a size 13, I identified with it really well, it was a number I liked, I was comfortable with it. After my pregnancy I went up to a 20, wore that size for a couple years, hated it, hated my body, hated my deteriorating health. So now I’ve gone down through the sizes, down, down, down…  first problem was underwear. I have no hips, my butt is tiny, 5’s don’t fit, 4’s are impossible to find. I went to the kids department out of sheer desperation, bought a couple packs of size 16 undies without trying them on, went by the weight/measurement chart on the back. Got them home… they’re too big. Bought some size 10’s the next time, they’re a little snug, finally settled on size 12. They fit wonderfully. So I wear size 12 in undies, kid undies. WTF. I was shopping with my good friend this weekend, and I was once again frustrated as my 2 jeans have been getting looser and looser, washing them wasn’t shrinking them back to snug. The thought of me wearing a 0 just makes no sense, 0 isn’t a size, it’s a lack of size. It’s freaking weird. Also hard to find on a budget. Jokingly, I told my friend I was going to go shopping in the kids department, she told me to go. So I did. I found a cute pair of glittery jeans, I like glitter. Being 30 doesn’t mean I can’t like glitter anymore. I jumped from the assumption that since I wore size 12 in kids undies, I probably wore a size 12 in kids pants. Found a pair in 12, took them to the dressing room, they fit perfectly. So after all this… the surgery, the hard work, the murdering of my diabetes, the 104 pounds lost, I am back to wearing a 12. Totally different 12, but a 12 nonetheless. It’s a mind, lesser than the fact that I’m buying my clothes in the kids department, but still wacky. I like that number, I am comfortable with it. It’s familiar and it’s something I can identify with even though sometimes I can’t identify my own reflection.

After the success in the pants, I started checking out shirts as S shirts are very baggy on me and XS is harder to find. I now own some XL shirts, another size I am used to, but XL in girls is much more awesome than XL in Womens. But again, it’s a size I’m used to seeing on my tags. I’m still trying to decide if this with help or hinder wrapping my mind around my changes.

I feel kinda like I’m getting a second chance on my tween-teen years. I didn’t enjoy it so much the first time around, but now I kinda feel like this is the body I should have had, the stress level I should have had (I had a lot of baggage to carry around when I was younger, luckily it’s all dealt with). Sure I realize I’m an adult, I have a husband, and a son. I have a job, responsibilities, but I’m also starting to take more time for myself, letting my husband be the parent when I want to go out without a kid. By “go out” I don’t mean go to a bar and pick up men, I just need to get out of the house more, spend time with friends without my son underfoot. It’s only fair as my husband does this every Friday night. I started it this weekend for myself. I feel so light and free right now and I really want this to last. Stress has been getting me down and making me lash out at my nearest and dearest, but now that I’ve taken that step in taking time away from being ON 24/7 I realize that it’s something I really need to do to reset and to keep me in my happy place.

Wow, this went off in another direction, but I think you get it, or at least you’re used to me enough by now to expect this sort of thing from me ;)

 Also enjoying being small breasted. Weird, I never ever thought I'd say that. The boob faerie hit me when I was in teh 7th grade, nothing to a D over night, eventually up to an E. My boobs were part of my identity, and now they aren't. I'm not missing them, at least not today... I'm even wearing a sport bra today just because I feel like being nearly flat chested. Who am I?!


About Me
Harpers Ferry, WV
Surgery Date
Oct 21, 2010
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