Introspection

May 20, 2009

I was wondering to myself today, why do I put so much effort in the "outside" of me, and let the inside be neglected and abused for so many years? I am a lady that wears make-up, gets her nails  and hair done and "tries" to find clothes that are cute and appropriate for my age and my position at work. I wear jewelry ( not much but some). My question is, why do I put that effort in when I am in pain and out of breath and absolutely miserable with my weight and body. I literally hurt all of the time, I am out of breath doing simple things and I am out right unhappy with how I feel and how I look.  My insurance will not cover weight loss surgery. I am unsure who to change to do go forward with it. I met a lady who had a lap band done but, she is not losing much because she is unable to exercise due to pain issues and fibromialgia. I know that unless I lose quite a bit, I will be in the same boat. All this thinking is getting me depressed but, at least I am getting it out.
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And so it goes!

Oct 14, 2008

So before I continue the rant from the other day. I had a small victory, I made the right choice on Fri. I went to the bank and they were having a customer appriciation day (probably because they are still in business is my guess, but that is a rant of another color). And with that always comes brownies and cookies and all my favorite sweets. I walked by the table and did not think twice about it, but I thought later that I did good. I was kind of proud of me. I know it is a small thing but it shows I can do it.

As for DH and the job thing, I tried once again to talk to him about the situation, he literally walked away from me saying that we have already talked about this sh**. I kept thinking we have talked about it, and nothing has been resolved. So I guess we just go on. I am frustrated and getting angier by the day...

I want to again thank all the kind people for their support and offers of clothing. I appriciate it more than you know!

And so it goes!

Oct 14, 2008

So before I continue the rant from the other day. I had a small victory, I made the right choice on Fri. I went to the bank and they were having a customer appriciation day (probably because they are still in business is my guess, but that is a rant of another color). And with that always comes brownies and cookies and all my favorite sweets. I walked by the table and did not think twice about it, but I thought later that I did good. I was kind of proud of me. I know it is a small thing but it shows I can do it.

As for DH and the job thing, I tried once again to talk to him about the situation, he literally walked away from me saying that we have already talked about this sh**. I kept thinking we have talked about it, and nothing has been resolved. So I guess we just go on. I am frustrated and getting angier by the day...

I want to again thank all the kind people for their support and offers of clothing. I appriciate it more than you know!

But I am the one.......

Oct 10, 2008

I have posted on the boards things about not being rich. I know very few are today. The economy is tanking and everyone is having a tough time. My DH and I both work. He has a full time Mon-Fri job. I work only 4 days a week for a Dr. I have told him repeatedly that I would like a second job for weekends and Mondays. He says "no" that he will get the second job and he does not want me working more than I am. He has said this for months and he has not yet gotten this additional work. I am on medications and I have had the same winter coat for 13 years, it has a torn liner and needs the zipper replaced for the third time. I need a coat and can not afford my med copays but I can not get a second job. I am the one sacrificing and he from what I can see sacrifices nothing. He has his beer. He has no meds, he has his smokes and the boots he needed for work. I am about to expload.  I am angry and when I try to talk to him about it I get the same answer. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR 

Why I cried my lunch hour away

Oct 08, 2008

Today started pretty good. I heard one of my favorite songs on the radio just before I got to work, I used that  to get me through the morning. I was productive and great to all our patients (like normal). I called DH on my lunch and it all fell apart. He mentioned meeting the GF of one of his friends, I know her she is tiny and skinny and blonde and "perfect". All my insecurities came rushing back to the surface. I have asked him more then once to let me get counseling for my low self esteeem and insecurities. He insists I do not need it. I sat and cried and cried and cried because I know I am not worthy of him. He is good looking and thin and active and handy around the house. I do not deserve him.I know it is a matter of time before he leaves me for someone who is pretty and thin.No matter what he says, I know he will go. They all do......

Today is one of those days.

Sep 25, 2008

Have you ever woken up and felt like, this is not going to be a good day? I did today, and like all self fullfilling prophacy, it has been a BAD BAD day. (and it is only lunch time!). Clothes feel too tight, hair is bad, no money, stress at work. There are so many things going wrong at work today, that I just want to go to my boss and say, you know what, you made a mistake and you should have better then I am. Then go home and say the same to my hubby. I guess you can say I am depressed, very depressed and so badly want to give up on my weight, on my job, on my marriage and everything. See, you do not know me, but, if you did you would know that I am a person that blames myself for everything. Things are breaking at work and although not all of them are my fault, I never touched some of these things, I still blame me. give me a min, I will blame myself for the stock market and economy of the country . Again, no one will see this but I was hoping that if I saw how silly it looked written, it would help, it hasnt go figure..........I am a happy sweet kind person, I really am, I am incredibly overwhelmed right now but if by chance you do read this, I am sure you will think that I am always like this and I really am not. I promise.

Guilt anyone??

Sep 24, 2008

I was going to put this on a thread but, after seeing what someone said about the same things being on there day after day, and since I am fairly new to this site I really do not know if this has been covered so I will do it here. I did want to do it on a thread, for the feedback.Here goes........Do any of you have problems with guilt? What I mean by that is, my weight being what it is is my fault, I blame no one but me. I wish i could blame everyone else, but I did it. I ate wrong and I did not excersize.Period. Now my health is getting worse everyday and I want help to fix it. I want my doctors to help me and I want family and friends to support and help me. Why should they, why should they help me when for almost 40 years I have not helped myself?I feel guilty because I did this to me and now I desperately want to fix this and I need help to do it.I got here on my own but I feel as though without help, I can not fix it. I no I have no one on my friends list, so no one will read this probably but if you do, and you know what I mean, leave a comment, please if you can let me know I am not crazy.

About Me
Kittitas, WA
Location
50.0
BMI
Sep 18, 2008
Member Since

Friends 12

Latest Blog 7
And so it goes!
And so it goes!
But I am the one.......
Why I cried my lunch hour away
Today is one of those days.
Guilt anyone??

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