jenstime

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It's been a year.  Am I where I wanted to be? Nope, am I better than I was?  Absolutely! I can swim a mile, I can ride a bike a mile, I can tie my shoes without feeling winded, I can play with my boys, I can make it through the day without being tired, I feel so much more alive, so much more myself!!  For this last year I have lost 84 lbs (including my pre op, which was a tad over a yr. ago) not too bad I suppose! Really, I would've liked to of been down a 100 lbs. but I am not complaining, I've worked hard for my weightloss, exercise, eating right...and struggling with that, because I have 4 wonderful boys and a DH who love food, it makes it a tad difficult, but I am making it.  I've discovered the key is keeping stuff I can eat around me, that way if I get the urge to splurge then I can.  Also, now that I finally am at my "sweet spot" I dont' feel as hungry or as deprived, I still eat a lot of things I used to but much less and I work hard at eating the "right" things more often than the worng things.  It's a trial and error kind of life, which I am learning. For a while I felt like I wasn't sure I'd made the right decision, I missed my food so much.  It was my outlet what kept me happy, held my hand when I needed a good cry.  But I had to move beyond that, and for me, it was no easy feet.  I still will struggle, especially if it deals with my immediate family, food was always a way to control my tongue  So I have to use words now, and sometimes they don't always come out the way I want them to, but, it's what needs to be done.  I am thankful for the surgery, thankful for the support I've been given along the way and very thankful that I am still continuing on, that I haven't missed my opportunity to have more weightlossed!!  Only another 64 lbs. to go!  Doesn't seem as far fetched as it once did!!

Well on the bright side I finally got below my lowest weight before having my unfill.  I am now on my way back downward!!  Woo hoo. I also met yesterday with my new Doctor.  I must admit to being quite nervous, I wasn't sure if his requirements were going to be different or if he was going to think my thus far weightloss was enough...in the end, I had nothing to worry about.  If anything he was much better than I thought he'd be.  He asked many questions, talked about several of my issues and typed a lot of it up in my chart.  I thought I needed just a small fill because I have been hungry at night, but he wants me to wait another month and see how it goes being as I just lost that 8 lbs.  So now will be a wait and see ordeal.  I think he is right to make me wait, since after my unfill I had such bad habits creep back in.  So now I will wait until then.  Other than that, since I put my head on straight and started "behaving" myself with my eating habits, I've been doing much, much better. Drinking the right amount of fluids, eating more protein definately makes a difference in the band experience.  Crazy.
I am returning to the work force as well, part time at first, but hey, it's been 4 yrs. So I'm nervous about that as well.  Hoping all will be well for my kids and my house! lol.  So for those of you who are just beginning, your life will just continue on this journey to get busier, and at times a struggle here or there, but thus far for me...way worth it!!  I wish those of you headed into the journey great success and those of you on it as well!! 

I cannot believe it has been 7 mos!  I am currently at 228, not where I wanted to be, but not too bad. My Doctor is moving out of State and now I must begin w/ a new one and I am not too excited about that. He isn't able to see me until the end of Sept.  I do have one more apt. with current Doc. so hopefully I will get a fill and continue on the losing side, although it's been slow this last mos. Recently with the stress of just life and finding a new Doc. (my fault here, all of it) I began eating badly again.  Worse than ever though!  Candy and Ice cream, which I pretty much refrained from until this last mos! Which is also what hasn't helped my weight loss.  I'm hoping to get back on track because I'd love to be under 200 by Christmas!  We shall see, wish me luck.  Anyway, I hope you are all continuing on and not struggling with food issues like me!!

I got my fill!! yeah!  I did my 2 days of liquids and my day of mushies and was able to eat again yesterday.  We had baked loin chops last night with green beans and then some mashed potatoes.  I think I was able to eat 4 oz. of the loin chop and some green beans 1/2 cup maybe?  Still thinking I must be eating too much!  I don't know.  Then I was hungry again in a couple hours and fighting with myself over what to have.  I ended up having something not so great, a cup of lowfat, butter free popcorn.  At least it wasn't a cookie!  Which I still do not have in my house. I am not sure what I am doing at times, you know I have a family of 6 and sometimes I feel guilty buying the things I need to keep my protein up, and yes, it is more costly to eat healthier at times...if you are trying to make your dollars stretch.  I imagine if you were one or two people that wouldn't be the case, because you can make beans, lentils, soups, roasts, whole chickens, and eat on them several times, but when you are raising 4 boys, ages 14 down to 6 each meal is pretty much gobbled up lol.  Anyway, I've been doing pretty well since my fill and I think I am almost back down to what I was before I gained those 4 lbs. but what a bummer, I was really hoping to have reached 230 by May, now I am just happy to be back at 238.  Sometimes I think the hard part is that sometimes I "want" (not intentionally, subconcsiously (sp?)  to sabatage myself, that sometimes I am afraid to let these layers of fat show who I am.  Does that even make since?  I didn't even realize it until I re-read through my blog and read cookies after cookies lol.  I had a roasted chicken wrap yesterday for lunch and ate maybe a quarter of it, and was full until dinner. One thing good is I don't wake up thinking about food and haven't in some time.  That is nice because before I'd be pushing kids out the door waiting to get my "food" kick for the day.  When I was younger I was a closet eater, my Parents used to lock our Fridge (my brothers would eat all the junk food) I didn't start wanting the junk food until it was locked...I cannot believe that!  Then I'd hide my food in my room.  I always felt hungry, there really wasn't anything else around to keep me occupied.  We lived on 2 1/2 acres of land, I'd go outside and play with my dog, but my friend lived about 10 miles away!!  So I used food even back then to keep me company I guess.  Now I am letting that "friend" go, I am trying to keep occupied, going online, walking, doing yardwork, keeping up with my aerobics, helping in my Moms garden and doing things at my own home...I still think of food more than I'd like, does this ever change?  I do not want food to be on my mind more than my family!!  Sheesh!  On a lighter note, I am trying to keep positive and optimistic.  Food is just something to keep my body going to keep it nourished.  One day at a time....

Here we are, the end of April and I've gained weight!  Last time I looked I'd gained 4 lbs.!! I had to go in and have a slight unfill because I wasn't able to eat my protein and now I can eat like a trucker! lol, well that really is a stretch but I certainly can eat most anything, even bread which I haven't eaten since being banded!! I usually stick to a herb whole wheat wrap if I want something sandwich like, but the other day I decided I'd really love bread...mistake!  Lets see you'll find in here repeatedly the cookies are my demons!  I took them out of the house, but in one day I was able to eat 7 cookies! Yes you read that right, why did I eat 7 cookies you may ask...it's all my fault.  I have had quite a stressful mos. my dh was gone for a few days and I was alone w/ the kids and tried to make a "fun" wknd. for them, had them help me cook and make things.  But we've been dealing w/ bills and lots of stress so I ate a billion cookies to cope...wrong, definately, but it is what I did.  Dealing with stress eating has proved to be a big problem for me, I know when I am doing it, I just haven't figured out how to stop, I've tried going outside and working in the yard (I've planted lots of flowers this year lol) walking, even going to my Moms (whose pretty much my main support here) but it usually intensifies.  Then I've really begun paying attn. to my cravings, definately have a greater amount of cravings 1 1/2 wks. before TOM.  I mean, great cravings!  argh.  I did notice when I ate the cookies that I was eating around my band, and drinking too! (water) So I have stopped that, no more grazing!  Sometimes it feels so difficult, I see my dh, just take bite after huge bite and yes, sometimes I miss being able to do that, especially when we're in a hurry as a family, everyone else will be done and waiting on mom to finish her miniscule meal lol.  I don't miss these things enough to take my band back, just sometimes it is frustrating and you've got to find a way to cope.  Mine of course used to be food and so the food and I are in a fight and for a wk. or so the food WAS winning!  No more, I cannot let it win.  I go in for another fill on Tues. the 28th (today is the 26th) so I am so excited about that.  I also plan on doing liquids for the two days and then mushies for a day before I begin again (so to speak) because I just cannot fight these sweets without some sort of combat plan lol.  I also am checking into a gym that is right here in my town and am considering changing my exercise plan.  Right now I do exetreme water aerobics (weights, laps, push ups, aerobics, squats, crunches, sit ups etc. all done in the water) 4 X a wk.  but I've been doing these for almost a year and maybe it's time to change it up.  I am also going to start walking again now that the weather is beautiful.  Oh and planning to save up for a bike!  Anyway, this journey has really been harder than I thought it would be.  It's definately worth it, it's just tough. It really is amazing how much of the work with the band is actually you.  Because you can still eat those horrible foods and you can still be lazy and you can still gain weight.  This is a YOU type surgery, you are responsible for yourself, for your eating and your exercise.  I must remind myself everyday!!

Well it is April.  How do I feel now that I am almost 4 mos. out?  The 12th I will be 4 mos. out and I've been stuck at 26 lb. weightloss since my check up on the 20th.  I am going for my 4th fill on Tues.  and hoping that will jump start a few lbs. I have noticed that during and before TOM I am tight.  Then again the only thing I really want to eat is crud...why I don't know.  Once TOM is over I am usually back to being a good girl.  Also in these last few mos. I've discovered that Cookies are Demons! lol (I can't eat just one) I am doing well all in all.  Stuggling with stress eating right now, but am working on it each and everyday. 
My husband finally noticed my weightloss (I hope so after over 60lbs. since last April!) he asked if he was going to have to pay for a tummy tuck etc.?  I wasn't sure if I should feel good about the comment or bad...still undecided.  Most people are telling me that they notice a change in me, but I don't think people who are around you a lot really notice the "true" changes in you, certainly not the confidence, the happiness. 
I've been struggling with exercise too.  My 6 yr. old told me I was healthy now (sure I only have 80ish more lbs. to go) so I don't need to exercise anymore. He doesn't like that I am not home M-F. I even took 2 wks. off to spend with them, wasn't enough...agggh I love my kids sometimes it is so difficult to walk out that door, even though I KNOW I am doing it for everyone in my household.  The other day I was sitting in the dressing room asking myself, why I am killing myself with exercise lol.  I've never been too into it, but I've been really trying lately and it's kicking my butt!  Oh well, no work/pain no gain right!
This is definately a learning journey...have a learned a whole lot yet?? Hmm... I think I've learned that you have to truly be honest with yourself, if you can't be, you're going to have an even harder time.  Like when I get upset I want to run to those cabinets and find something/anything to munch on...I can't really do that anymore and man...am I moody because of it...my poor family lol But on the other hand, I am learning that I need to find other resources to deal with it, getting outside, going for a drive, writing a song down...I've also started realizing that a lot of things drive me crazy...my kids arguing, my husbands hobby and just a lot things in general and now those too I am having to deal with differently...not always easy.
On the good side, I've learned that I enjoy the outdoors again.  I enjoy getting up and not being too tired to stay up.  I am able to feel like there is light at the end of this tunnel...and it's going to be a long road, but I'll get to it...and so will you!!

So it's now Feb. I cannot believe I am almost 2 mos. out!! Yep, 2mos.  I've lost a total of 15 lbs. thus far...not too bad I guess.  Sometimes I feel like it should be more, but I cannot complain, I could be gaining right!?  I begin my day always with a cup of coffee (my Doc. allows coffee, in moderation of course) and then head onto something for breakfast...today was boiled eggs, although I ate 2.  Now I am counting the minutes until I can drink again...that is a difficult part for me, the wait until I can have something to drink...Drinking and not eating, that combo has proven a tad difficult, I find if I don't have anything liquidy near me, I won't drink, but if it's there, I am quite tempted and have done on occassion.  I am still struggling to get in all of my protein, I'm planning on going shopping to see if I can find some quick protein ideas for those days I am at the pool, since I don't eat dinner usually on those nights. 
I seriously wen't off the BANDwagon so to speak this last wk.  Some reason when it is TOM I really have almost uncontrollable sweet cravings, not to mention moodiness and such.  I did buy some sugar free reeses and tried to just eat maybe one a day, and it somewhat worked, I mean, I am def. eating less and different than I did prior to surgery.  My son had a b-day and I did end up giving in and having some banana cake, a small slice.  But I didn't really eat dinner that night, so it wasn' t too bad, except the feeling you get when you KNOW you did something you shouldn't of.  I've had two fills already and I think I'm good where I am at.  If I can just find a way to get in all that protein that I need anyway.  Also I am SO looking forward to the warmer mos. I've been COLD and I've been wanting warm liquids, which makes it a little harder to get in all my water/liquid requirements.  I guess when I look at it all, I'm doing ok.  Last night I thought I may never get to my goal, may never get any lower, but what kind of thinking is that, I need to remain positive.  I need to keep my chin up and that is what I want to do...
It is definately a process a long process at times.  But I must remain optimistic!  Take care.

So I am at the point where I am not sure I made the right decision.  I guess everyone goes through this, if you were to ask my opinion, I'd tell you to wait until Spring/Summer if at all possible before having surgery.  Going through this at the Holidays is extremely difficult!  There are so many goodies around you that you cannot touch and not to mention just wonderful food you cannot eat!!  I am internally crying and thinking of food constantly!! Not really because of hunger, but because I've been doing liquids forever now.  I had 4 wks. prior to surgery (12-11-08 Lapband) and then 3 additional wks. now after...which is where I am right now.  I cannot have mushies/pureed until 1-2-08 It has been more difficult than I thought it would be.  I find myself looking to things I shouldn't even consider or desire to eat...I feel so alone in that area let me tell you.  I am still having to cook for my 4 boys and husband and that makes it more difficult.  Making spaghetti sauces, stews, soups, mexican food etc.  I am so wanting to eat.  I keep telling myself it's not too much longer until you can have those "good" for you foods again, be patient.  I am discovering I am not as patient as I thought I was.  I have managed to lose 6 lbs.  Is this good?  Normal?  I don't know.  I am calling to make my 3 wk. apt. tomorrow and hopefully will be able to talk w/ the nurse and ask her some questions.  My husband is asking me why I am so grumpy, I told him" it's not your fault I had surgery, it was my choice, but imagine not eating for 6 wks. straight in a row!! Then see if you aren't a little bit fragile!"  Poor guy, having to live with a moody wife. 
So far I have messed up 3 times and it's only the beginning!  How is that possible!  I licked some chocolate off my fingers from making Christmas balls, I dunked a graham cracker in milk until it crumbled in the cup and drank that and I dunked my spoon in spaghetti sauce in licked that clean!  What is wrong with me I ask you?  Why can't I keep to this liquid diet?  I am hoping once I hit mushies that it will get a bit easier from then on out...I hope so anyway.Well I'll close for now after all my journey is just beginning right!?

Well I am on my way!! Yep you heard it correctly!  So much to catch up on...I have been doing my 6 mos. diet and guess what, I lost 26 lbs!  So I began seeing my surgeon last mos. and discovered I have tons of gallstones so my gallbladder must come out before the band can go in.  It's alright though. That is scheduled for the 13th of Nov.  So last wk. my surgeons office called to see if I had records of my 6 mos. diet that she (the medical assistant Debra) could send in to go along with my chart...hmm I thought my PCP had sent that.  Well nope there isn't enough "I don't think for your Ins. to accept this." Or something to that affect.  I did my 6mos. with my PCP how could she not have sent the info. needed?  Well turns out, she wasn't writing my weigh ins in regaurds to my 6 mos. diet.  I cry, and cry some more.  Debra says, "I'm going to go ahead and send it in, so don't give up, your PCP wrote a great letter and maybe that will be enough." I hung up the phone, doubtful and fearful that I may be in for another long 6 mos. diet. After a huge crying spell, I dusted myself off and concentrated on other things happening in my life.  The next day, around 4pm Debra called.  At first I was excited, then aprehensive...I asked her what the Ins. company needed...she was surprised herself, nothing...they'd approved me!!  Yes, I am approved for the Band on Dec. 11th. providing everything goes well with my Gallbladder removal!! Yeah! So now I just wait until the gallbladder surgery and then my liquid diet (yum! lol) and then surgery!  I am excited to finally be here everyone! I had to share this wonderful news!

I wen't to the Seminar for my Doc. about a wk. ago.  It was really informative and I liked the Doc. a lot.  He was very laid back and talked as though he cared about the problems with weight.  I turned in my Ap. and was approved in a couple of days.  Now I must make my apt. to begin my 6 mos. supervised diet required by our INS. fun fun.  I am hoping all will go smoothly and if I do get to lose weight, that is just that much less I'll have to lose after being banded!!  Yes, I am finally beginning my journey!