December 31, 2007

Dec 31, 2007

December 31, 2007

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I did my best, it wasn't much. I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch. I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you…And even though it all went wrong, I'll stand before the Lord of Song with nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah...     ~Leonard Cohen

The Year in Review

People might get tired of hearing the expression, "Wow...this year went fast!" but went fast it did. Once again, I find myself sitting here, in total disbelief that it is the end of December once again.

For me, this is such a bittersweet time of year. Maybe it is because I am the Cancer sign, maybe it is just because I was born an emotional person who suffers from depression...who knows...but this time of year always makes me a little melancholy. That is not to say that I am not thankful for every part of this past year. I really am. All the trials and tribulations included. Because they shape who I am...and who I will become in the future. And that is kinda cool.

So...what can I say about this year? Well...it was a bit of a low year compared to last year. Last year was my WLS year and it was so very exciting! The thrill of having the surgery and of seeing the weight literally fall off was a total rush! The joy of fitting into "teen" numbered clothing will never be forgotten! I remember buying just one new pair of size 18 jeans before 18 became too big. I pretty much wore my size 22's until they fell off...then went right to 18...then 16. I only visited size 14 for a short time before welcoming size 12 into my life. And, finally, size 10 and I have been together a long time now...and it is a great friend of mine.

But this year did not bring about any weight loss. As a matter of fact, it has brought a bit of a gain, which is devastating. The good thing is that January is the perfect time to renew, recharge...refresh. It is the perfect time to start something new. And start something new I must! I did not begin this journey to be healthier for only a year or two. I want this to be for life so I MUST make some changes immediately. More on that at a later date...

This year saw several traumatic instances. The first being the complete loss of part of my family. And with that comes feelings of anger and betrayal...all very negative emotions. I really believed that I was over it but this Christmas renewed those feelings for me. Not having my former sister's family over for Christmas was not mentioned by anyone but the chasm was felt by all. I have such a tiny family to begin with...to lose half of them at once just plain...sucks. Both the beginning and the latter part of the year saw my son ill once again...and another hospital stay was called for. He lost the first Halloween that he cared about and that was a big bummer for all of us. And, to be honest, I experienced a few other losses this year. I lost a few friends...and I lost many habits I learned last year as a new post-op. And this has also caused a large amount of strife. And let us not forget four months of my in-laws being here! And several months away from my son. But...well, such is life.

It was not all negative...oh, no! There were moments of great joy! Moments spent with my son when he is healthy...moments looking in the mirror and being happy with what I saw. We found my son a wonderful new day care. There are some minor issues that need to be worked through with them but, ultimately, it was a blessing to find the place! And, though I lost some physically close friends, I have also solidified friendships with people not physically close to me. My January 2006 WLS board friends are some of my greatest treasures...I would not have maintained my sanity during these months without them. I cannot WAIT to meet them all in the coming year...definitely something to look forward to!

And so 2007 comes to a close. It was a challenging year and a decent year. I am going to make it a personal goal that 2008 will be a great year!! I will post my “resolutions” shortly. I hope all of YOU had a great year…and I hope that 2008 will be a blessed year, as well!

All my love,


Jersey Mom

 

December 2007 – New York City

 

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October 22, 2007

Oct 22, 2007

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Boys and girls of every age, wouldn't you like to see something strange? Come with us and you will see this, our town of Halloween
...     ~Marilyn Manson

Okay, so I had a BAD couple of days (that I did not detail in my profile)...but I am better now. I put my son back in daycare and he hates it (which is natural in the beginning, I know). But then he proceeded to get sick immediately. So now he is back on Singular and the nebulizer treatment 2-3 times a day. But, you know what? He is HOME WITH ME. And he is so much fun and I LOVE being with him so that is all that matters! This weekend we carved our pumpkin. Well, okay, *I* carved the pumpkin and he kept screaming, "Ewww...pumpkin guts" which made me roar! I did NOT have a pumpkin carving tool so I had to use a freakin' steak knife. Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to carve a pumpkin with a thick, unflexible steak knife? Well, anyhow...here is the finished result. Much rougher than I would like but it was the best I could do with the "tool" I had. Next year's will be better.

 

 

Taken with my camera phone (flash on):

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Taken with my camera phone (flash off):

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I drew Mickey freehand with a magic marker. Next year I might try one of those professional stencils because it is a.) NOT easy to draw freehand on a pumpkin and b.) again, steak knives are not appropriate tools for any kind of detail work. Or ANY pumpkin work for that matter!

I would love to see YOUR pumpkins! Post the photos and share! Have a safe and happy Halloween, Everyone!


October 9, 2007

Oct 08, 2007

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I've been crying for so long, fighting tears just to carry on. But now, but now, it's gone away...     ~Mika

Hey Everyone!

I am in a good mood today! I am getting my baby back in a few short days and I seriously cannot wait. I am going to completely smother him as soon as he passes into my arms! Other than that, not much new going on. I started back on a B2B and, as usual, the results are pretty quick. I had been bouncing from 168-170(!) since I got home from my cruise. But today I am 166! Whoo hoo! Amazing (yet, somehow pathetic) how my mood improves when my weight goes down!

It is almost Halloween. My very first post was on Halloween two years ago...I cannot BELIEVE how the time has flown! I bought a Halloween costume this year (but just for my husband's benefit ). So here is my "Halloween Card" for the year (my only regret is that I should have put some fricken' eye makeup on in the picture...would have turned out better!)...

 

 

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Not too slutty, right? If you had told me, two years ago, that I would ever...EVER be able to fit into something like that, I would not have believed you. No way, no how! So...life is pretty good! Hope you are all having a GREAT day!


October 5, 2007

Oct 05, 2007

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Oh people call me Daffy. They think that I am goony. Ah, just because I’m happy is no sign I’m looney tooney...     ~Looney Tunes

Well, folks...I have gone and done it...I found myself a new boyfriend :

 

 





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HEE HEE! Have a great day, everyone!


September 28, 2007

Sep 28, 2007

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Father, oh, Father please hear me! My song is a cry of desperation. All of the words I hear have lost their meaning...     ~John Denver

Okay, one of these days I am going to write a journal entry that is going to say that things are excellent...top notch. Alas, that is not today. Things are a little bit sucky right now. I am eating horribly. That is one new thing that I would tell pre-ops...it does not get easier and, as a matter of fact, at around 18 months it gets much, much more difficult. It seems like I am eating non-stop and I am not doing too much censoring of what I put in my mouth! Cookies, crackers...all the crap that I should stay away from! Additionally, I feel kind of sick every time I eat now...so I know that I am over doing it.

My summer was okay...nothing special. My in-laws were here for the entire four months (May to the last day of August). It was great because it kept my son out of daycare but I felt like my house was no longer my own. And it is hard to live with someone for four months who you cannot communicate with. It is even more difficult to live with someone you have utter distain for (FIL). But it is over now...and that I am happy about.

My son is in Florida with his grandparents. He is having a blast and so are they. I feel like my life is completely empty...and I have a low-grade headache all the time (due to depression, I know). I am sorry to be so damned pathetic but that is where my head is right now.

Many of you know the saga of my family (if you read my prior entry, you definitely know...although that was just the tip of the iceberg). I went through most of the stages of death dealing with that situation. I skipped over Denial...there was no denying that I lost my family because of the cult practices that my sister and her husband have adopted. I spent a long, long time in the Anger phase. But anger is better than sorrow so I was okay with that. I did not venture into the Bargaining phase. Maybe I would have if I did not have such a shaky relationship with God...but, as it is, I am even too embarrassed to talk to Him right now...if He even exists. I visited the Depression stage for quite some time...since I own time-sharing there, anyhow. And, then, I blissfully transitioned into Acceptance. I stopped hurting about it. It is what it is. I really love that expression...it really says so much. Ironically, I got that expression from the woman formally known as my sister. Isn't it ironic (don't you think...hee hee).

So...things were looking up. I was completely stoked about my cruise in September...all was calm. The cruise was cool. Not as much of a blast as last year but it was good. However, hubby and I had several rocky moments. One of which provoked me to sleep on the couch. I have never, ever done that...not one night of our marriage. Not a good sign. But we did many fun things...parasailing, SCUBA diving, waterfall climbing. On paper, the vacation was perfect. The ship was amazing...I have to tell you that. But. then again, my vacation was almost ruined on Day 1. When we got our luggage sent to our stateroom, we discovered my iPod Video was stolen. That was devastating to me because I use it about 10 hours a day (I had about 10,000 songs on it, four movies, cartoons for my son, etc.). Yes, I completely understand that it was foolish of me not to keep it with me at all times. And if one more person tells me that, I may scream. As if I don't feel shitty enough, let's lump some guilt onto it. I posted my review of the cruise on cruisecritic.com and mentioned the theft. I also mentioned how poorly Guest Relations on Royal Caribbean handled it (they were the first to say, "Oh, well you should have kept it on you."). EVERY person who responded to my review said..great review, thanks! And...too bad about the iPod...you really should not have left it in your luggage. Jeez!

Before I pull you further into the murk of my life, let me show you some photos from the cruise...

This was the first formal night. As you can see, I did not feel like going too formal...

 

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Same night:

 

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Labadee, Haiti (as you can see, those damn Haitians stole my boobs!):

 

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Parasailing in Grand Cayman:

 

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Ochos Rios, Jamaica:

 

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Cozumel, Mexico (this little dress I am wearing was bought at a tacky shop on the Seaside Heights, NJ boardwalk. It is a size Medium. I never, EVER thought I would buy something like that...or, if I ever entertained the thought, it would have been a size XL at the very least!

 

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Second formal Night:

 

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For those of you who were :::coughcough::: lucky enough to see my cruise pictures last year, you may recognize the red dress. I thought I looked pretty much the same in it as I did last year (although it fit me MUCH better last year...it was a size 16 and fit me like a glove). This year, I had it tailored and it was kind of baggy on me. Ah well. But, again, I though I did look much different than I did last year (despite the 35+ lbs difference). So I put the pics side-by-side:

 

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Okay, so I DO look a little smaller than last year! Plus, last year I had a full-body Spanx on under my dress. This year it was all me.

Moving on...so time is marching on. I want my son back but he will be returning to day care the day after he gets back and that terrifies me (because of his health). I had finally accepted the whole family debacle. Then I get a call two days ago. The woman formally known as my sister called my Mother. Why? To tell her that the man formally known as my brother-in-law (you know, at one point, I loved him so much I called him "brother." I refused to use the "in-law" part)....anyhow...he has Stage 2 lung cancer. Never smoked a day in his life. Now, I don't care for the man but would never wish this. So now there is some contact between Kelly and my Mom. SO NOT HEALTHY for my Mom because Kelly is, was, and will always be a completely bitch...a pathological liar...and a cult leader. I was going to do the right thing...regardless of never, ever wanting to see them again. I called the hospital to find out when visiting hours are. They are refusing all visitors. Okay, f*** them (not really)! Of course, I will hope he gets well and I feel TERRIBLY for the kids. I did text the youngest child and she let me know that she is dying but that whatever is God's will, is God's will. Ho-kay...

So that is where things stand. I am eating horribly, my husband and I are on shaky ground, cancer has struck and I miss my son. I am such a freakin' whiner, aren't I? Okay...here is my vow...my next journal entry will be positive and life-affirming! You believe me...right?


July 16, 2007

Jul 16, 2007

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Let me up, Let me out, I am suffocating, I can't live without. This all behind me...Is this almost over now?...     ~Megadeath

Good afternoon, Everyone!

Life is so fraught with drama, isn't it? Sometimes I would not mind a little bit of boring but it never seems to work out that way. I am seething right now...do you mind if I share? I always feel better after I gripe to you so, if you don't mind, I am going to do it again...

Some of you may know the drama of the woman formerly known as my sister. I have two older sisters: Kelly (eldest) and Tracey (middle). We grew up together...had the same great parents...same teachings, belief systems, etc. WTF happened with Kelly?

All through high school, Kelly was a liar. She was the only one of the three of us who got into drugs, alcohol, sex at an early age, etc. I do not judge her for these things...she was a kid. She used to steal my dolls, steal money from my parents, etc. She had parties while my parents were away when she was supposed to be watching me. No big deal on my part...thankfully I was mature at a young age. But there were close calls for her back then...one of her drunk girlfriends dove off our diving board and smashed her head onto the cement. Her friend did not even feel it! It was not until I informed her that she had blood running down her face that she even knew she was injured. My parents are not drinkers but they had a small alcohol supply locked in the basement. When Kelly and her friends ran out of beer, they smashed the cabinet in (because they could not find the key) and popped open my Dad's Don Perignon! They just thought it was another bottle of wine. Tracey and I never told on her and my parents were blissfully ignorant that Kelly was that bad. Until, that is, she got pregnant when she was 17. She was not going to tell my parents about it but she told my Aunt...who then told me parents. My parents cared for her every step of the way. Of course they were disappointed...but she was their daughter and they loved her. She aborted the child. The father of that baby refused to pay for any of the abortion because he was, and I quote, saving for a car. He later came out of the closet and still lives in my town.

I guess you could call Kelly a wild child. That is, until she met Jeff. We ALL loved Jeff. He was tall, handsome and a born-again. I had just started going to church, myself, so then Kelly started going with Jeff. It seemed as though she changed for the better. She was 22 when she married Jeff. But Jeff worked in construction and did not work regularly. My parents paid their mortgage more often than not. I was close with Kelly when I was younger but, as she settled into her marriage and started having children, we were not as close as when I was younger. Her first child was a daughter - Bryce. Bryce was, literally, the perfect child. Adorable and sweet and mild-mannered. When she turned one, she started spending EVERY weekend at my parents house (and my house...I lived with my parents until my late 20's!). I would sing Bryce to sleep every night. Kelly then had a son, Kelsey. He was a nightmare. Her third child, Bri, was also very temperamental. But Bryce continued to stay over our house on the weekends. I TRULY believe that Bryce was so special because of my parents influence on her. She had a wicked sense of humor and an intense compassion for both people and animals. I was head over heels in love with her. I always told people that, if I could have children exactly like Bryce, I would have 10 of them. Bri and Kelsey never had the same relationship with my parents. They never wanted to come over. When they DID come over, they always wanted things...presents, candy, etc. Bryce never asked for a single thing. Tracey also had two children - a boy and a girl. Neither of them had the opportunity to know my parents like Bryce did because they live too far away. So Bryce was, hands down, the golden child. My parents started taking Bryce away on vacation with them. Why? Because Kelly LET them. She NEVER had a problem with it. Was it right that my parents showed so much affection to Bryce and not to Bri and Kelsey? No, not really. But, again, Kelly had no problems with it.

Over the years, Kelly's money problems got worse. Not because Jeff was not working...but because Kelly was a big spender. She would completely re-do her house over every couple of years. She bought Victorian furniture and knickknacks like they were going out of style. Time and again my parents bailed her out. She would call them crying because she could not pay the mortgage...buy groceries. What were my parents going to do? Let her kids starve? She ultimately took out a home equity loan because they needed a new front door, a roof and an oil heater. Do you KNOW what she did? She bought a front door and then went on a two-week vacation to Long Beach Island! She will be paying for that vacation for the next 25 years!

God this story could get long (it already is...I am sorry). Bottom line...my parents probably put $100,000 into her...they used to buy her kids school clothes, their school supplies, etc. But Kelly started becoming more and more bitchy towards my Mom. Then, when Christmastime rolled around, she would become all loving again.

Oh! And when I was 22, Jeff asked if he could borrow my credit card to buy Kelly a ring. I was so ignorant so I said, "sure." The ring was $1200.00. They only EVER paid me back $200.00. I was only 22! But Jeff THOUGHT Kelly was paying me out of his paycheck. He was completely ignorant of her spending. Can you imagine a man in his 40's being that ignorant? I feel no pity for him...he was just an idiot (more on this later).

Anyhow...when I became pregnant with my son, my husband and I decided that we would put him in daycare. We had no choice. Kelly started vying for the job right away. But there was one problem...I did not trust Kelly. Over the years I started seeing her for what she was...a pathological liar and a complete religious hypocrite (she made fun of other people's handicaps, etc.). There was NO way I was going to let her watch my son.

Incidentally...Kelly did not work. You would think that someone who cannot pay the mortgage might get a job, right? Nooo...she said, "I am a Mom first." Well, Mom, if you stopped buying Victorian lamps, maybe I would buy the "Mom first" argument... And at times I felt really sorry for her. I could buy her groceries, myself, from time to time. I never even got a thank you...

So the time came to give birth to my son. I was admitted on the morning of December 7th to be induced. Kelly showed up at the hospital with magazines for me and a cheeseburger. We spend the night laughing and enjoying each other's company. In the morning it was becoming clear that I was just not going to have this kid on my own (they were concerned about preeclampsia). I had a C-section and Kelly was one of the first to visit. The next day...all hell broke loose. I hemorrhaged and almost died. But I made it through the ordeal...weak but thankful for my family. Then the post-partum depression hit. I am so ashamed to say that I wanted very little to do with my son when he was born. I never wanted to be alone with him at all. Kelly was my savoir during that time. She came over every day...and she would take him from me so I could sleep...or go out, etc. We spent every waking moment together. Of course I came to the conclusion that she should ABSOLUTELY watch him when I returned to work. She said she would not even accept money but I told her I would pay her $800.00 a month. I was so thankful that I had a family member to watch him...

But, let's face it, folks, leopards never change their spots, right? Kelly turned back into the "real" Kelly. The Kelly who would call me 2 minutes before I had to leave for work to tell me she could not watch my son because she had a headache. Kelly who told me that she needed 3 weeks off in the summer because she needed her "alone" time (I only had two weeks vacation!). Kelly who started lying and cheating once again. But then the serious issues started. I would come to pick him up and Bri would be watching him alone (she was 11 and never babysat before)! I came home one day and, when I picked him up from his nap (at 5 pm!!), he was covered with blue fuzz. When I asked Kelly what it was she told me the kids covered him in toothpaste. SHE NEVER CLEANED IT OFF! A couple days later I picked him up and he had adult scissors in his hand. Kelly was typing away on a laptop not even looking at him. When I asked, "WHY does he have scissors in his hands?" she replied, "Oh, he knows he is not supposed to have them."

There were fights between me and Kelly. When I would voice my concerns to her over the phone, she always hung up on me (yes, she is over 40!) and then I would lose it. But then I would send her flowers or something to let her know I still loved her. I cautioned her when she offered to watch him that, in some ways, she would be an employee of mine and there would be times when it could get awkward. More and more I was seeing that it was no longer working. And, incidentally, all that Kelly did for me post-pregnancy was undone in one sentence. In an emotional moment I told her that I would be forever grateful for her being there for me after I had my son. She replied, "Yeah, well, that is what God wanted me to do." WHAT? I'm sorry...maybe that is a nice Christian answer but it really pissed me off.

During this time, Kelly and Jeff were getting more and more involved in church. Not the main church they belonged to, but a subset of that church. A man named Kevin (who married me and my husband) had moved to rural PA to open their own church and Kelly and Jeff became very involved with that. Kelly and Jeff started taking troubled teens into their home. Mind you, they have no experience to do this...and no ROOM, by the way...but they did. On the outset, it looked like a very Christian thing to do. But now there were drug dealers and alcoholics in Kelly's house with my son during the day. It was time to put my son into a real daycare. We told Kelly as gently as we could that we were doing this. As it turned out, though, she did not care, anyhow. She was relieved. But she claimed to be devastated because she just loved my son SO much.

My husband and I even took them to a wickedly expensive restaurant to thank them for watching him for a year. I did not want bad blood between us. That was the first night I saw that Kelly and Jeff were crossing the fine line between religious zealot and cult following.

At dinner that night, Jeff told stories of "talking" to God. I am not talking about praying, mind you. I am talking about "I spoke and he REALLY answered chats!" He said he awoke some nights and felt "Satan" in the house. When he would mention it to Kevin, the church leader in PA, Kevin would say that he felt the evil, too, at the exact same moment. Hooo-kay....

Oh...I could go on and on and on. My final straw with Kelly came with one last broken promise. She ALWAYS broke her promises to me. I should not have been surprised by this final one. In the fall of last year, my husband had to go on a 3-week business trip. After two weeks, I was suffering from intense depression and was desperate to get out of the house. While I was at Kelly's, I asked her to watch my son so Bryce and I could go to dinner. She said she would. I asked her again...telling her how important it was for me to get out. She again agreed...in front of Bryce and Grace (more on Grace later). The day I was to take Bryce out, Bryce sent me a text message saying that Kelly said she NEVER agreed she would watch my son and she was not going to do it. I was so mad I was fuming. I had a complete meltdown at work. That was it for me.

Sometime in late November, I got an envelope in the mail with Kelly's family photo. It had a 5x7 family photo of Kelly, Jeff, Bryce, Kelsey, Bri and...Grace. Grace? Why the heck is this girl in Kelly's family photo? There were also wallet pictures. One of Kelsey by himself. Then one of Bryce...and Grace. And Brielle...and Grace. WTF? Grace HAS parents. Why the hell is she in these photos? Well, despite the fact that Grace has a Mom, Kelly considered herself Grace's Mom. I thought she finally went off the deep end.

Kelly stopped almost all communication with my parents when they moved to Florida (January 2006). Tracey and I knew full well why...the cash cow left the state. However, months later Kelly called them sobbing because they were going to foreclose on her house. She begged my parents for $8000. And they GAVE it to her! GRRRR. She took it and then...guess what...NEVER CALLED THEM BACK! But the cruelest thing she did was turn Bryce against them! Bryce was their angel. When my Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2002, Bryce practically lived in our house. I believe she was key in helping my Mom heal (and get over her cigarette withdrawal).

But one day last year I read on Bryce's myspace page that she had moved to PA for 3 months. WHAT? What about high school?? This was not during the summer. My Mom tried to contact her about it but Bryce never answered. My Mom also called Kelly but Kelly never answered. One day my Mom called Kelly and blocked her number. THEN Kelly answered. She wanted to know why Bryce was sent away to PA. She gave some bullshit story about Bryce wanted to be closer to God. No, I am sorry...17-year-old girls who have lost of friends and a boyfriend they are 'in love with' do NOT go to rural Pennsylvania to be closer to God. My Mom asked Kelly if Bryce was pregnant. Kelly was SO offended by that question. She said, "How dare you ask that about a child of mine." My Mom should have responded with, "Well, YOU got pregnant at that age!" I have NO IDEA what Kelly said to Bryce...but Bryce never answered my Mom's frantic messages after that. All we know is that Kelly sent her daughter to live with Kevin and his family in PA. Very cult-like, right? RIGHT.

Since then I have heard that a few people have referred to Kelly and her family as a cult. There are ALWAYS tons of kids at their house. Their myspace pages show them all laying on their couch together...draped over one another. VERY inappropriate. My Mom had tried to contact Bryce a couple more times...trying to get her to remember all they did for her...and with her...but never got a reply.

I called Bryce once while she was in PA (I blocked my number). I asked her why she was there. She gave me the "closer to God" bullshit. I was not going to bring up my Mom but I could not help it. I asked her why she did not call her because she was VERY worried about her. She said she did text her back. Oh great, Kelly has created another pathological liar. Before I hung up, I told her I would always love her. I immediately got a text from Kelly (first in a long time) that said, "Hey, what's up?" Oddly enough, it was a total coincidence that I heard from Kelly right after talking to Bryce. I sent a text back to Kelly saying, "Funny you should text me, I just got off the phone with Bryce." Then were was a LONG delay. I KNEW Kelly had rushed and called Bryce to find out what we talked about. Within 20 minutes, Bryce sent me a text saying, "I am here to worship God and be all that he wants me to be." OH PLEASE. Kelly told her to send that text to me. I simply sent a text to Kelly that said, "Completely nauseating." I did not hear from Kelly again.

Oh...an important story...of why I detest my brother-in-law. Quick digression (like any of this story is quick). My parents had childhood friends that we called "Aunt" and "Uncle." We grew up with their kids. Their youngest son, Scott committed suicide in 1998. He had a Chihuahua/Boston Terrier mix named Mugsy. Mugsy became a sad reminder of their son and they wanted to get rid of him. They had MANY people who wanted to take him (he was so ugly he was adorable). However, Kelly begged to have him and they gave him to Kelly. But they got tired of Mugsy after a year. I WANTED Mugsy. Before I got Max I wanted Mugsy in a big way. He was a perfect condo dog (we lived in a condo at this time) and he was so cute. They would not let me have him. Years later when they wanted to get rid of him, it was too late for me to take him. My 150-lb dog and 11-lb Mugsy would not be a good match. Last year Kelly kept telling me she wanted to get rid of Mugsy. They got another dog they liked better...no one paid attention to Mugsy anymore. I wished I could take him but told her to put him on Petfinder or take him to a shelter.

Do you want to know what Jeff did? He drove him to the construction site where he worked, opened his car door AND LET HIM GO. Just let him go. IT WAS LATE AUTUMN. My heart closed to Jeff that very instant. Total scumbag in my opinion.

So up until recently, that is where things stood....Kelly never talked to my parents...I am sure they will never see their $8000. Kelly and Jeff are trying to acquire a church. You heard that right, a church. They do not have a pot to piss in but they want the current owners of the church property to GIVE them the church. If they get it, I suppose they will have a full-fledged cult.

The last contact I had with Kelly was the night of my emergency bowel twist surgery. I only have one close friend. Tracey lives an hour away. My husband was out of the state. I called my friend to drive me to the hospital but I had to call Kelly to watch my son. I called her house twice. She did not answer. Then I called her cell phone. She did not answer. I can only assume Jeff convinced her to call to find out what was wrong because it was obviously an emergency at 1 am. She finally called and said, "What do you want." I was in so much pain that I was bawling (for those who don't know me...you must know I was near-death if I was crying...I just don't do it). I asked her to come sit with my son. She was exceptionally bitchy but she came. When she came through the door, all she said was, "What did you do to yourself? Is this because of your stupid surgery?" You should have heard the venom in her voice. I told her I did not know what it was from. She then said, "Well, call me and tell me what to do with him" and then she walked upstairs. Can I just tell you that, during that night, I cried more from the thought that I left my son with her than because of the pain...which was the worst pain I ever felt in my life. I thought I was going to die from it. When I learned I needed surgery, I called her to ask her to drop him off at his daycare (I did not tell her I needed surgery...just that I was not getting out any time soon). She said, "fine" and hung up on me. Those were the last words spoken between us. She never called to see if I had surgery or to see if I was ok. My Mom flew home that night to take care of me and my son. During the week, my Mom went to Kelly's to find out what the hell happened between her and our family. Kelly told her that she resents the uneven treatment of her children (that she allowed and encouraged all those years!) and that her asking if Bryce was pregnant was unforgivable. My Mom left, in tears...told her she hoped she would be happy. Kelly just turned her back to my Mom. Jeff did hug my Mom...but it was a hug of a permanent goodbye.

I said that losing my family was like a death. I mourned them like I would a death. But that mourning was laced with a lot of sadness. Until this past week. My Mom had given rings from her childhood to her three granddaughters. One to Bryce, one to Brielle, one to Tara. The one she gave Bryce meant a LOT to my Mom but Bryce meant more so she gave her the ring. About 3 weeks ago, my Mom sent a text to Bryce asking for the ring back. She wrote, "The ring means a lot to me but, since I don't mean anything to you anymore, I should have it back." She heard nothing back. I told her she wouldn't. But last Thursday (my parents were at my house for three weeks...they left on Friday), my Dad went to clean out his car for the drive back to Florida and there, on the seat, was an envelope that said, "rings." Bryce's and Brielle's rings were in it. I understand that my Mom should have known this could happen, but it crushed her just the same.

And the final blow came today. My parents picked up their mail. In it was a card, from Kelly, to my Dad. It was for Father's Day (mailed 6/21). In it she spoke of how much she loved him. It was a complete and total slap in the face to my Mom. She has been crying all day. Who wouldn't...it was the cruelest thing she has ever done (and that is saying A LOT). Of course Kelly did not send a Mother's Day card OR a birthday card to my Mom (on 6/20). She sent one to my Dad just to rip my Mom's heart out. Well, she succeeded. And my feelings of anger and loss have now dipped into hate. For all of them. Even for Bryce...who I worshipped. I do not care if she is young. She is 18...and old enough to know the pain she is causing. And every time she puts her ass in the car she drives...THAT MY PARENTS GAVE HER...she should remember what they did for her.

And so this story ISN'T like a death at all. When a loved-one dies, you mourn them but then you have the happy memories to sustain you. There are no happy memories here. Just intense anger and much regret. I know this is a terrible, ugly-hearted thing to say but...I hope Kelly finds herself alone one day...and I hope she needs me. I will NOT be there for her. She is dead to me.

I am obviously still very raw with anger...but thanks for listening.

All my love,

Jersey


June 24, 2007

Jun 23, 2007

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You say it's your birthday...it's my birthday, too...     ~The Beatles

I am 36 years old today. Not thrilled with the number but, hey, what do the numbers mean, anyhow (I wish I could apply the same feeling to the numbers on the scale. Oh, heck, who am I kidding, they BOTH bother me! ). What a great year it has been, though! Lots of ups and downs but far more ups than in previous years. And, for that, I am truly thankful. Here is a photo taken of me on my birthday...

 

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Have a great day!

Have a great day!

May 29, 2007

May 29, 2007

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If this world makes you crazy and you've taken all you can bear, you call me up because you know I'll be there...     ~Cindy Lauper

Update time! Not sure what the EFF is wrong with my tickers lately but, um, apparently they are not working so I will deep six them for now.

So...I went to Florida and retrieved my boy! I am whole again! I had no idea just how much I missed him until I saw him when I stepped off that plane. He hesitated only a split second before running into my arms. And, in that one instant, I healed.

My trip to Florida was great. I love seeing my parents...I love their home and I love the state. I did NOT want to come home! We extended our trip by 3 extra days. It was heavenly!

Coming home? Not so heavenly. Jersey Kid was back in the state for three days before he developed a slight fever. I was not too concerned...I thought it was probably the change in the climate. The next day he seemed a bit better. But that night his fever spiked to 102º and he was saying his teefies (teeth) hurt. Then he was grabbing his head and saying his head hurt...and his throat hurt. Now...anytime a 2½ year old grabs his head and says it hurts, you automatically think he is having an aneurysm or something. I know that sounds dramatic but, come on, we all think this way, don't we??

We gave him some Motrin and he was able to sleep...but fitfully and he woke up a few times crying during the night. I made a doctor appointment for him on Saturday morning. I thought maybe he was getting a tooth? But...nope. He has something called herpetic stomatitis...and here is the deal on it...

Herpetic stomatitis is a contagious viral illness caused by Herpes virus hominis (also herpes simplex virus, HSV) and is seen mainly in young children. This condition is probably a child's first exposure to the herpes virus, and it can result in a systemic illness with high fever (often as high as 104 degrees Fahrenheit), blisters, ulcers in the mouth, and inflammation of the gums.

The inside of the cheeks and tongue frequently develop ulcers 1 - 5 mm in diameter with a grayish-white base and a reddish perimeter. These ulcers are very painful and cause drooling, difficulty swallowing, and decrease in food intake (even if the patient is hungry).

An adult member of the family may have a cold sore at the time the child develops the herpetic stomatitis. More likely, no source for the infection will be discovered. The illness clears up and ulcers are generally healed within 10 days.

My son was in absolute agony that day and the next day was even worse. He had sores both inside his mouth and on his lips. His gums were so swollen you could barely see his teeth! He was starving but, after his first bite of anything, he spit it out and wouldn't try to eat again because it hurt too much. We were told by the on-call physician that we could put Orajel on it to numb the pain (there is no "cure" for this...you have to let it ride). When we put Orajel on it, he screamed so hard that I thought *I* would pass out. Then he tried to rub his open mouth on my face to get the Orajel off. I learned from someone on my board that you should NOT put Orajel on open sores because they burn. Needless to say I wanted to maim the on-call physician!

It was rough week and a half with him but he is all better now! I ended up getting some of what he had. My mouth was filled with sores and I got a sore on the corner of my mouth and on my nose! It FINALLY cleared up, though...all I have left is the sore on my mouth. Geesh, right?

Oh...and how is Mama Goose? I don't know. She and her eggs were gone when I got back from vacation. I am sure she had her babies and moved on. At least that is what I would like to think. And, apparently, this is the third year she has had her babies on that island...so I guess that is her birthing place of choice!

No matter what goes on in my life, I am still so thankful for my WLS! I did SO MUCH this past Memorial Day weekend. Worked my BUTT off. I would never have been able to accomplish so much at the weight I was before I had this. It is such a gift. My husband and I were working in the backyard and we had our XM player on. My husband and I have VERY divergent tastes in music! He wanted to listen to his hip-hop type music (which I cannot tolerate) and I wanted to listen to my "decade" music (which he cannot tolerate). The lowest decade he will let me tune into is "The 90's" but I am not really that fond of music from the '90s. Since I was busting my heiny doing really intensive labor I told him I DESERVED to listen to "The 80's." He finally consented. I turned it on and the first song was "True Colors" by Cyndi Lauper. I was, like, "YES!" I thought he was going to kill me. I am such a dork!

Here are some photos from my recent trip to Florida. To be honest, they are not great photos but they are the only recent ones I have taken. I have not lost ANY weight lately. I am going to have to REALLY work hard at it if I want to reach my ideal weight. We'll see...

 

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Have a great day, everyone!


April 23, 2007

Apr 23, 2007

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I got something to say, you know, but nothing comes...     ~Tori Amos

Melancholy. That is how I am feeling. It is overpowering right now. I am moments away of running headlong into serious depression. I am trying to find my voice. I am trying to keep my feelings of hopelessness at bay.

I want to talk about something that happened on Saturday night. No...I DON'T want to talk about what happened on Saturday night but, if I don't talk about it, maybe it will repeat...and repeat...and I will feel the same insecurities I felt in high school and then I may as well check out. So should I talk about it? Will it help? I always look to my wonderful Jan board for help but even I am getting tired of listening to my miserable ramblings.

I feel like crying. If I was not sitting at my desk at work I probably would be. I would like to go to my car and bawl but, if I do that, I will disturb Mama and she is the one who set off my mood in the first place. So let me digress (my way of avoiding the real pain for the moment)...and tell you first about Mama.

I pulled into a parking spot at work this morning. The spot straddled a tiny little grassy island in the middle of the lot. There is one tree on the little island but the leaves have not started to bloom yet. I don't even think they have started to bud...but maybe I just did not notice if they did...

Anyhow...there was a Canadian Goose on this little island. She was just sitting there...and did not move. Yes, I thought this was strange. They are not the most people-friendly of creatures and I expected her to hiss at me and be on her way. She DID hiss at me, mind you, but stayed where she was. Now...I am an animal lover...I do not mind hissing and goose poop all over the place. It is their world, too.

Anyhow...I apologized to her for crossing her path, told her to have a good day, and went inside. Yes, I really did this. I am such a freak.

By lunchtime I had forgotten all about her but, when I went to get in my car, she was still there. Now I am concerned...thinking she is hurt. But she looks fine. As I get closer, I notice them. Three perfectly formed white eggs under her body. I looked at her and said, "You dumbass! There are so many shaded areas around here! Why pick an island in the middle of a busy parking lot under a tree with no shade!?" But maybe she arrived last night? Maybe she waited too long and had to rest at the very first spot she saw? I don't know how these things work but I do see that she is panting and frightened and tired from standing over her eggs in this un-seasonal 85 degree weather. I drove to Wendy's and bought her some fries. Maybe not the best choice but what the hell do I know? I came back and waited until they were cold before I tossed them to her. She just looked at me like I was crazy. I found a plastic bowl and put some water next to her. She hissed and spit at me but I did not care. I am a Mom, too...

But I am heartbroken about her. She is out there...standing over her young all day...she is not eating or drinking. I pray that the heat is not too much for her babies...and it is supposed to rain tomorrow. I am being irrational, I know, but my heart is breaking about her situation. If you pray, maybe say a prayer for her and her babies...

Okay...I will stop avoiding the real issue now. Yes, I am upset about Mama (what I now call the Goose) but I doubt I would be this upset unless something else was triggering the kind of desolation I am feeling.

My friend, Debbie, came up from Virginia on Thursday. We had a great time hanging out. I love her. We went to a concert on Saturday night. Folk concert. We had backstage passes although I have never needed passes to get backstage. I just always did. Anyhow, after the show we headed backstage. I have known one of the singers in this group for a long time...almost half my life...since I was 18. Back then there was a mutual attraction but he was 51 and, again, I was 18. I was attracted to his sensitivity and his social consciousness. He was attracted to me, I would guess, because I was 18. I wanted to be his friend...he wanted to be my lover. It never did happen because I was too scared. I even went to his apartment once...but I had to leave...I just could not do it. We did not talk much after that.

I continued to attend concerts for the next 3-4 years but eventually stopped in my early twenties. I had a hard time separating the man from the music so it was just too weird for me to keep going. Too painful, if I am to be perfectly honest. Painful because, at the time, I wanted to believe that he cared for me. But he didn't and, when the promise of a physical connection died, so did our "relationship."

But then John Denver died and there was no one else I wanted to see in concert. Joan Baez rarely came around. I stopped seeing James Taylor live after I fell asleep at one of his shows in 1991. So, in 1997, John Denver died and Debbie said we had to find another act to see because that was, initially, the glue that held our friendship together...we saw concerts together. That is no longer the case, mind you...we are soulmates now...concerts or no concerts.

Anyhow...so I started going back to his shows in the late nineties. From time to time I would go backstage (NOT for me...but for Debbie). I was the one who was always able to get us backstage. And while he always made a fuss made over me, I could see the insincerity in his eyes. This was especially the case when I was pregnant. He hugged me tightly and I told him he was squishing the baby. He asked, "Oh, you are pregnant?" Yes, I was VERY overweight but I cannot believe he thought I was THAT overweight! I was going to stop going to his shows again but then my son was born. And something beautiful happened with the birth of my son...I realized that all the bullshit that I thought was so important and meaningful, wasn't. It was just that - bullshit. All that mattered was my family. It just so happened, though, that with a newborn, I did not have time for shows, anyhow.

This past January, Debbie asked if I was ready to go see the shows again. I knew I was so, when the opportunity came to see this singer perform, not with his group, but with his daughter, Debbie came up and we attended the show (it was held at a church very close to my house). Before the show started, he saw me and, naturally, gushed over how I look (it was the first time I saw him post-op). It was the first time ever that I felt as though I was able to talk to him as an adult. When I was younger, I was so shy in front of him I never said anything...and I could not even look him in the eye (he always looked at me with such an intense sensuality I could not handle it). But, in January, I had the confidence to look him in the eye and converse with him as an adult. Before I left the church, he hugged me and kissed me 5 times on the cheek...then 3 times on the lips. I was not offended at the time...many people kiss me on the lips. No big deal.

So...fast forward to Saturday night...we went backstage (a friend of mine, Mary Lou, gave us passes - in all the years I have been going backstage, this was my first time with a pass!). I wanted a picture with one of the bandmates because I had not had one with him since I lost the weight. I also knew I would say hi to "him". Well, I got my pic with the bandmate and then I sat on the couch so my pal, Mary Lou, could chat with "him". He came in, said hi to someone and then saw me on the couch. He made a beeline for me...shrieking my name and pulling me into a hug. But I had a short skirt on and my knees were tucked under me on the couch (I was freezing and had covered my entire body with my long sweater). He pulled me up on my knees so sharply into a hug that my sweater fell to the floor and my skirt was practically up my hoo ha at this point. He noticed it and put his hand on my knee...all the while telling me how beautiful I was. He let go and then said, "Oh...is your friend here?" (meaning Debbie). He saw her and went to hug her (he never kisses anyone else). During that time, I had scrambled into a standing position... He immediately came back to me and pulled my face into his hands...he kissed me once, twice....EIGHT times on the cheek and then kissed my mouth about 6 times. But, then...he shoved his tongue in my mouth! COME THE F*** ON! I am a married woman (which he knows) and I NEVER wanted that from him, anyhow. ESPECIALLY now that he is 68! He finally let go of me because he had other fans to talk to. I was shell shocked. I looked at Debbie and she asked, "Does he think we are all blind?" I stated the obvious when I said to her, "He put his tongue in my mouth." She said, "I know!" So now I am feeling like I am in high school again (big secret reveal here...I had an issue with my choir director in my senior year and I felt exactly as degraded as I felt then). I was about to leave when he stormed on me again. I had my sweater on this time so he pulled me in close and put his hand under my sweater on my ass (my sweater is long). Again, I felt like I was going to vomit. But didn't HE feel my heart pounding...my body tense up? Do men just IGNORE these signs? Mary Lou (the girl who gave us the passes) worships him and she did NOT see what went on. So she said, "Let me get a picture of the three of you" (meaning me, Debbie and him). I said, "That's okay...just get him and Debbie." I tried to back away but he already pulled me to him. The picture that resulted looks natural...it does not show that my teeth were really clenched. But it DOES show that his hand crept towards my breast. If I was any narrower, I believe he would have cupped me totally...in front of God and the world.

And I have to say...I left there feeling violated. I felt like the 17-year-old girl who was forced to do things to her choir director and then felt like she had no voice to scream about it. Maybe I'm overreacting? I don't know...but right now I am mourning for Mama Goose...sweltering in the heat trying to keep her babies safe. And I am mourning the loss of security that took me half my life to build back. I just wanna go home and sleep for about a year. Thank you, as always, for listening.!


April 19, 2007

Apr 19, 2007

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Won't that be a sight to see her wearing white...     ~Martina McBride

Does anyone still have those wonderful WOW moments that we talked about during our first post-op year? I think we still have them frequently but we do not recognize them as WOW moments, anymore.

Well, I just realized a WOW moment was happening today! I am wearing a short black skirt...nothing unusual about that. But I am wearing a button down shirt with it. And the shirt is WHITE. I have to tell you...before WLS, I would not be caught dead in white. No way, no how! But here I am...wearing this shirt that I got for $4.99 at Old Navy last season on clearance. And it is white! Additionally, when I bought it last season, it did not even come close to fitting me. But now it fits me fine. So that is a double wow, isn't it!

On a totally unrelated topic, I had a little mini photo session last night...here are some of the pics from it....enjoy!

 

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Hugs to you all!


About Me
Northern, NJ
Location
24.4
BMI
RNY
Surgery
01/30/2006
Surgery Date
Nov 15, 2006
Member Since

Friends 27

Latest Blog 71
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