Jessdoll911

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So today is Christmas and my my what a differnece a year makes... Last year I distinctly remember telling myself this is going to be the last Christmas that I can eat... I got high and ate and ate and ate... It was good, I remember it being DELICIOUS!!! I didn't fit in the rocking chair last year at Christmas so I didn't get to rock my niece to sleep... I couldn't get up and pass out presents, I couldn't even bend over to get my presents off of the floor, i took up the whole love sit, i mean i didn't but the only person that could sit next to me was my 116 lb step sister... This year.. I RAN around after my niece, my niece and I were able to sit side by side in the rocking chair, i was able to pass out presents, and I sat on the floor (wouldn't have done that before because i couldn't get up by myself and I dind't want anyone to have to help me). I didn't get to eat this year, so I was right last year that I wouldn't be able to eat this year. One thing that does upset me is that my dad and his girlfriend don't take into consideration my eatting needs, they still fill everything with sugar and they never have anything for me to eat. They make tea but LOAD it with sugar... no unsweetened... Good thing I brought my own gatorade and string cheese...

We didn't have a lot of money this year to do gifts and it was nice really because we got to appreciate the season for what it was... This year has brought about soo many changes for me. I'm a completely different person now. This morning I weighed 191.8 I don't remember when I weighed that last I just know that it was sometime before I was 12... I am completely happy with the results and I thank God so much for blessing me with this WONDERFUL gift of life...

My husband and I are going to start trying to have a baby. That's what I want for Christmas next year. I want to either be prego or have had a baby. So much has changed this year, I hope to have at least this much change next year... In a positive direction. Merry Christmas!!

Wow I can't believe it's been over 3 months since I last posted... I do more often on my myspace... I can't believe that it's already been 6 months since my surgery... WOW... time goes fast... I've lost 96 lbs as of this morning and i'm down to 219.... i haven't weighed this little since before i was in high school so honestly this is really scarey... I don't know who this woman is looking back at me in the mirror... I'm excited to find out but I have all the "what if no one likes me" questions popping back up... I'm uncomfortable in my new skin... It is scarey... I start therapy in a couple of weeks and have found a christian therapist that deals with eating disorders... I have one... food is my drug of choice... now it's gone and i'm starting to have to deal with things again that i use to eat away... At least I have that much insight... This battle is 90% in your head definitely... I'm going to get help so I don't regain this... this is it FOR GOOD!! I want to be a healthy person WHOLELY... mental phsyical and spiritual...

Physically this journey has been incredible (emotionally and mentally too just a little more strenuous lately) I feel great... I can jog now!! I do kickboxing twice a week... I have sooo much energy... it's great... i feel fantastic i'm off my medicines, my blood pressure is normal and the most exciting thing is that I have ovulated on my own now... first time EVER... I know i have a long way to go but I want to be at CLOSE to goal by 1 year... I've got 50 more lbs to go... so I'm going to have to up my physical activity... I am able to start eating a big more normal now... it's great really... i'm excited.. Life is good just scarey sometimes, because of the unknown... yet exciting because I get to see who ME really is... not me in a fat suit... I guess at this point I have to start reassociating myself with society as me... i have always known that i was one of the "fat people" in society... i'm not anymore... and it's like i'm changing part of me... I'm sure everyone that's been there understands...

My relationship is great david and i are doing wonderful and i want to start trying ot get prego around february... so i gott get the rest of this 50 lbs off...

So today, June 5, I decided to say to hell with it and start the running program... I have been scared to do this. Strangely enough not scared of failure but scared of success. My weight loss has almost come to a stand still which I don't understand... So i have decided to up my exercise... I have been swimming laps when I go swimming in the pool which is nearly every day and today I didn't go swimming and decided I just couldn't sit and do nothing.. so I went for a run/walk... I got a stop watch and away we went... The program calls for a 5 minute warm up and then 30 minutes of jogging 30 seconds and then walking 60 seconds... I did it for 20 minutes and I had to stop... I couldn't do anymore... my legs were shaking and i couldn't catch my breath and i felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest... Sucks to be out of shape... So I think this 8 week program is going to take 9-10 for me... for the first week I'm just going to stick to what I did today.. I also was self conscious because everyone was coming home from work and all I could think about was all these people driving past thinking, look at this fat girl running... it sucked but i kept my head up and kept on and said screw them i won't be fat for much longer.

I'm just stuck in the 260's and I want out of them and into the 250's.. but I said this back in the 270's as well... all with time I suppose... I just wish there was some button you could press and all the skin and fat would be gone... but this is a close to getting a button as i'm going to get... The rest is up to me... and I need to just get off of my ass and do it... go after it and do it and get it.. no one ever killed themselves but trying (well if they did at least it wasn't in vain)

So it's been a while since I last posted and I figure I better put an update... I am absolutely ecstatic with the way my life is going... I finally feel like I have this monkey on my back mastereed, or at least the tool to be able to master it.  I am about 8.5 weeks out now and I'm down 50 lbs as of today... I couldn't have asked for better.  I feel 300% better, I have tons of energy... 

I do need to work on my exercise... I have a running program available that I would like to do all I have to do is put on my shoes and do it... i need to just buck up and do it tomorrow... it's a new day right... I have not had any food cravings at all.. I'm completely satisfied with what I can have.  I am still drinking about 50 grams of protein a day and eating another 17 in a bar... I have found that if I keep my protein up around 85-100 grams a day I lose weight faster, I don't care why I just want it gone... I'm going to start roller skating soon.. I'm going to go get my skates out of the car and go because I want to try out for the roller derby and to do that I need to practice... My grandmother is moving in with me and things couldn't be better.. My sex life is back and with a bang... BOOOYAH... Life is good.,.. I do find myself having questions and apprehension about stretching my pouch out... i'm scared to do that.. scared I will fall into the same patterns... I'm sure I will learn with time.

Well today I am officially 3 weeks out... I weighed myself and my scale says i'm 286.2  for an official total of like 29 lbs or something... I'm ok with that for 3 weeks out... I can tell a huge difference in my face and ankles... I'm going ot have chicken legs soon, I hope my body catches up with the chicken legs... lol

I officially HATE these damn vitamins I have to take... Trinsicon... They taste like dirt in a puke mixture and they always get stuck in my stomach and make me have to burp... I HATE THEM... then when I burp i taste the damn pill and want to barf... I don't understand why i just can't take the sublingual like all the other patients... why can't i?  (whiny voice)

I'll continue to take them because I know I have to, but I HATE THEM!!!!!! Just so I'm on record again, I hate them!!!!!!

Yesterday was my follow up appointment after my surgery with Dr. K.   Everything looked great he said... I now weigh 293.7 lbs... I consider my starting weight at 315 (that's what I weighed before I started all the crap for the surgery like the all liquid diet) so I've lost 22 lbs.  My scale said 30 but cest la vie... 

Surgery went smoothly.  I didn't get the band, i got a RNY and the actual surgery only took 2.5 hours instead of the 5 that he anticipated.  I had surgery on Wednesday at 11 and left the hospital Friday at 8 o clock.  The pain wasn't that intense.  It is true walking helps the pain... and I'm doing pretty good now i just get really really tired.... I hope that passes soon.  

We're alos moving to Fort Wayne so that's going to be a huge change... I've had a lot of change here recently and surprisingly it doesn't bother me.  I haven't been taking my effexor and im' still perfectly happy... I'm getting this monkey off of my back... I couldn't be happier... 

I have not had any regrets since I did it, i wake up every morning and thank God that he allowed me to get it done and I love life now... Such is life... and it is good

My surgery is in 8 days and the nervousness has started to set in a little bit... I've been having nightmares that things go bad, and then I've been having dreams where I look fantastic... I really just wish it would hurry up and get here so I don't have to wait anymore... 

here are the things I need to do before I have my surgery
*clean my cupboards out of anything that will be tempting
*clean my house so my visitors won't think i live in a pig sty
*organize my closet so I can find clothes as I lose weight
*get a drain for my shower because it's clogged (I need to do that anyway but this gives me an excuse, my hair falls out alot)
*Look for a nightgown for surgery
*Pack my suitcase
I'm excited... nervous, and ready for it to be over!!!!!

I wrote a good bye letter to my family members just in case, they each got one and then when I'm find I'm going to burn them... :) 

Ok for some reason today I feel like shit.. I'm majorly depressed, like I just wish life didn't exist depressed.  I'm tired of being tired all the time, I'm ready for all this to be over.  I'm tired of being held back by my weight.  I can't climb the stairs without being out of breath... I can't put my own socks on, i can't tie my shoes ... everything is an effort... I want to just sit and cry... and that pisses me off... I'm tired of feeling like a useless tool...   Somedays I wish I were never born... i mean why does God put us on this earth to suffer through these things.  He knows everything so he knows that we are goign to chose this path and yet lets us go through it anyway... It doesn't make sense... It's one of those days where I feel inadequate in every aspect and I just want to disappear... No one needs or wants me... My husband doesn't want me, he doesn't need me, in fact most days I feel like he would prefer that I didn't exist.  My dad only worries about what my brother is doing, he could give a shit about me or my sister.  My mom, well let's just not go there.  My sister is just worried about herself and her fiance... I have no friends really.. Acquaintances I would say, but not friends... and I was thinking last night if something were to happen to me, none of them would know until they went to contact me and david told them, that is if he answered the phone.  i love my husband but I don't think he loves me.  Can someone love enough for two people?  

I don't even love myself, this is ridiculous... somedays I hate life, and today is one of those days...

All I can say is that I am so excited... more excited about this then I think anything else ever in my life... 

I'm nervous but I'm most nervous about the changes that are going to take place, and not knowing what they are.  I know I'm going to work my ass off... 

I really hope that my dr doesn't move my date again... I think I might go off if that happens.  they should be calling to schedule my blood work.   

I weighed in at the dr's office on monday at 315... this is the most I've ever weighed, but funnily enough it doesn't bother me because I know soon enough I'm going to have that taken care of.  i'm excited... SO excited.... 22 days and counting

So, there was a going away party at work today and I went out with my friends from work to the bar... BIG mistake... I love the girls I went with to death, we had fun but there was a bunch of construction guys there... in other words, HOROMONES... the two girls that i went with are well endowed and well built... not me... i forgot how much it hurt to be discounted as a woman... it hurts.. It's bad enough I'm not thought of as a woman by my husband but for these guys who are basically complete strangers, to discount me really hurt.  I felt sexless, like an it... like i didn't matter.  Dammit I matter, I'm passionate, I wish everyone could see what I see when I look at me... I wish it didn't hurt so damn bad.... I wish I had never done this to myself.  I wish I had it to do all over again, I wish I could be 11 again and start this over...
I can't wait until I can feel sexy again, I used to, even when I was big, i've never been small.. now i feel like a nothing, like i have no sex... this is why i hadn't gone out with my friends in a while.  Just venting... I just want to be a woman... I want to be desired... not an accessory