MY JOURNEY

Nov 25, 2006


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blog    05/03/06
  The journey begins and I'm feeling nervous and unsure

             I had my consultation with the surgeon today and now it feels very real. The group I'm going to seems very skilled in the insurance coverage game and have it down to a science. So, they feel that insurance approval will only take at the most, 3 months. I really expected it to take longer. I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed and scared. Did I make the right decision? Is this something I really can do? Or will it, like all my weight loss/control attempts over the past 35 years come back to bite me in the proverbial behind! I need to lose aproximately 145 pounds to reach the "perfect" goal weight, but I'm not expecting to lose that. I'll be happy with whatever I get!!

 06/07/06

2 updates to report. #1] I had my cardiology consult a bit ago.  Turns out the cardiologist I chanced to see (just took the 1st avail appointment within the group) is not only very supportive of the surgery, she is also on the hospital's medical advisory board for weight loss surgery!  Her enthusiam was definitely contagious. She changed my BP med to a more effective one (I had severe white coat syndrome at the time and my BP was at an all time high despite my medication) and she volunteered to do my medical weight management for my insurance needs. I walked out of there feeling very good about everything I was doing.

Update #2]  Had my sleep study done last nite....poor choice of days I guess, the date was 6/6/06!  Surprise, surprise, I snore and have mild to moderate obstructive sleep apnea.  Even though I knew I must have it, to actually have it confirmed is really depressing. I should be thankful because it is one more diagnosis to add to my reason for insurance to approve the surgery...but......ugh! I really don't want to have to wear one of those CPAP contraptions!  Have to go back for a repeat study where they will study me with a CPAP mask on and determine the effects.  Then I go see the sleep specialist Dr who will probably prescribe one for me....joy oh joy.

Tomorrow I go for my cardiac echo...glad I didn't schedule that for 6/6/06...I need all the positive vibes I can get for this one!

 
 06/23/06

Had my cardiac f/u visit yesterday.  Thank goodness, my cardiac echo was normal.  I was really scared about this one....I find it hard to believe that I haven't damaged anything yet. Well, just goes to show, its not to late to undo any damage I may have done to my body.  At this point, I guess its safe to say that any of the health effects from morbid obesity that I may be experiencing now are not pemanent yet (the key word there being 'yet').

 
 7/25/06

I'm copying this from a message from the WLS grads board. Thank you "Nowhere Man"!

***A guy buys a recreational vehicle and drives it off the lot. He gets it out on the highway and is enjoying the road. It dawns on him that he would enjoy is more if he had something to drink, so he sets the cruise control, gets out of driver's seat and heads for the refrigerator in the back. Of course the results are predicable. The RV crashes. This Darwinian Superstar failed to understand the difference between the cruise control and an auto pilot.

What has this to do with WLS? At the three year mile-marker, I would say just about everything. Here in Grad Land , we hear again and again of folks struggling and failing (yes I said ‘failing’) w/ WLS. One of the problems is that many did not appreciate how WLS works. Like our Darwinian Dimwit, they thought it would be an auto-pilot sort of effect. At three years either you are succeeding w/ WLS or you are already in a ditch somewhere w/ your tires in the air. The successful learned that WLS is like power steering, power brakes, cruise control, etc., that it enables them to control a mechanism that previously was beyond their ability. How do we say it so often? “It’s a tool!” The controls are within our reach, but we still have to attend to them. You can build a vehicle with all the amenities that one can imagine and engineer, but there is nothing like an attentive driver to keep it on the road. I will never be normal. I will never be able to turn around and just let this thing take care of itself. And if we had a lick of sense, we would realize that most of the svelte among us have to do the same thing. Today is a new day to pay attention to road. It is not straight, nor is it always smooth. When events occur, we have to adjust. If we get off the road, we have to find a path back on to the main road. But more than anything else, we have to pay attention to the road we are on. We can never, and I repeat never, simply assume this machine drives itself.***

  
07/25/06

Just when I was starting to get doubts again about my WLS decision.....(someone up there heard me and sent me a strong message!)  Had my routine eye exam today.  Dr. said she saw evidence of high cholesterol in my eye vessels. She checked my records and confirmed that this was never present before. Now, I've been on Lipitor for years and my cholesterol levels have been just fine on it. So, I'm taking this as further proof of the necessity of WLS.  Be interesting to see if this find is still there next year when I'm post-op.

 

08/30/06

They say you have to hit rock bottom before you can succeed. Well, I think I'm there.  Just came back from a very sobering, discouraging vacation.  I couldn't participate in a lot of the fun activities that my boys and my husband did.  I used the excuse of "I'm afraid that will hurt my knee.." but the truth is I was afraid, no, I KNEW that I would not fit into the slide for the Alpine slide or the kayak for the kayaking trip. And they looked like such fun, I really wanted to participate. I tried some hiking....thought I was going to have a heart attack from all the sweating and wheezing the brief uphill hilking produced. OY. I really need to succeed with this surgery.  This is truly my last chance.

  

09/14/06

APPROVED !!!!!!!   Wow, this feels so surreal.  Every doubt that I've had and some I haven't had is now just flooding my brain.  It's illogical. Without this surgery, I'm doomed to a shortened unhealthy life. I've been "dieting" for 35 out of my 45 years of life, its time to admit that that route isn't going to work for me. The risks of not having this surgery definitly out weigh (no pun intended!) the risks of having surgery which in comparison to what I've already been thru in my life are minimal!!!  OK, gave myself a good pep talk now. On to the next step....obtaining a surgery date.

   

09/15/06

Well, here it is....the big day is scheduled for November 9th.  Same week/Torah portion as my Bat Mitzvah 33 years ago.  Any significance there????

  

9/24/06

My birthday musings:  Today is my 46th birthday and I have given myself the best birthday present I will ever receive...my future.  As I begin my 46th year of life as an obese person (yes, I have been told I was obese at birth!) I know with certainty that this year will be the year that I change from an obese person to a healthy person. Next year at this time, I will be near or at a healthy weight and will see a different face looking at me from the mirror. As I mentally prepare  to get onto the proverbial dieting horse yet again, I know that this time is different.  This time I will be seated firmly in the saddle with both hands on the reins. There will be times the horse will walk, times it will trot, times it will cantor, times it will gallop and times it will come to a dead stop and refuse to take the jump. And this time, when that horse bucks and tries to throw me off, my WLS will be there to keep me firmly in the saddle while maintaining control of that horse with a firm grip on the reins. I can't ask for anything more valuble for a birthday present. Happy Birthday to Me!!!

  

10/09/06

The countdown is on and progressing soooooo sloooooow.  Depending on how you count it down, I have 4 1/2 weeks or 1 month to go before the big day.  I feel like I am just existing these past few weeks.  I have no motivation to do anything but let the day pass me by.  I go to work on my scheduled work days and all the other days I just sit here in front of the computer reading posts and looking at before and after pictures on OH or else I sit in front of the t.v. watching nonsense.  I have no desire to work in my garden, shop, prepare meals for my family....nothing. I guess I've entered a period of apathy. I'm assuming I'll break out of this behavior once the surgery happens.  I'm not depressed.  Its weird. I'm just biding my time I guess.

  

10/19/06

Trouble getting my medical leave approved from work.  Long story short, my manager wants to deny the loa based on the time of year (holidays) and staffing. 

Also, my date is now changed to November 6th due to the surgeon's schedule. 

I have a stress migraine.

  

10/23/06
 T
urns out I need to work an extra 72 hours to qualify for FMLA, so any disagreements with my manager aren't relevent anymore.  So, I'll be putting in some overtime and now my date has been changed to January 9th.which my manager has no problems with.  Hopefully there won't be any insurance issues now. 

11/26/06
I will get thru the next 6 weeks without losing my mind, I will get thru the next 6 weeks without losing my mind, I will get thru the next 6 weeks without losing my mind.......

12/21/06
I am feeling so nervous and scared all of a sudden.  My date is 2 weeks away.  I'm confident about my surgeon, I have no fears about having surgery itself, I know that this is the best option for my health.  When my 1st date (which was cancelled due to outside issues) came and went, I felt jealousy towards everyone who was having their surgery then, anger that I wasn't having mine, depression over the delay, and just general "if only's" (i.e. if I had had my surgery when I was 1st scheduled, then today I would be ..... instead of .......) The only fear I have that I feel is reasonable is the fear that I will be the one who fails after this surgery and the only thing that will get rid of this fear is to actually see my own success....I know, I know, a lot of people felt this way pre-op too.  But I still have this intangible fear and it just doesn't make sense to me.  I should be getting excited that IT is finally going to happen!  The few people that I have told about my surgery plans have been commenting to me things like...it won't be long now, are you getting excited, a few short weeks from now you will be skinnier......  I just feel like telling them all to just shut-up!  I don't want to talk about it!  I think I'm losing my mind!!!!!!! 

01/08/07
I think its really going to happen. Finally!  Surgery tomorrow.  It still feels surreal. (except for the bowel prep, thats feeling very real!!) 

01/09/07
SURGERY DAY !!!!!!

01/15/07
I guess I should document my 1st weeks post-op experience before it all becomes a foggy memory.  Don't anyone kid yourself, this is major surgery and it hurts a lot the 1st day.  However, I had good pain medicines and the anesthesia stayed in my system for quite a while, so mostly I slept thru it all the 1st day.  I haven't experienced any "buyers remorse", just a feeling of "well, its done and now I have to deal with it, no turning back". I think I'm doing pretty good with my post-op healing. The only thing that gets me down is I'm sooo tired all the time, but I guess thats to be expected at this stage of the game.  Today I only required 1 dose of tylenol for pain control.  I'm walking 2x daily on my treadmill for 20min. each time...granted the speed is at 1.0, but hey, I'm walking!  I haven't really had any difficulties drinking my fluids, but I do need to make a concious decision to do so, I have no appetite and no hunger at all....very weird. However, I would killl for something that requires chewing, I actually enjoy my daily vitamin because I get to chew it, everything else gets drunk!  The sight of food doesn't tempt me, but commercials for food do invite cravings.  Last night I enjoyed the smell of my husbands dinner, but had no desire to eat any of it....again, very weird.  I'll be happy to get rid of my J-P drain on Friday, its annoying.  I've had no problems with drink intolerances, vomiting, nausea (except for immediate post-op when I was painfully nauseous and had painful dry heaves until they gave me some strong anti-emetics, then I was ok) and I haven't needed to take any colace...I have started moving my bowels without any difficulties.  So, hopefully, everything will continue to progress smoothly...I can only hope I'm one of the lucky ones that this will happen to.

01/18/07
Minor setback.  I have an infection in my drain site...running nasty fevers and feeling pretty icky.  Saw the Dr. today, they pulled out the drain (HURRAY!) and started me on oral antibiotic. Hopefully this will clear up quickly.

01/23/07
Oral antibiotics didn't work and I was rehospitalized for IV antibiotics.  Home now and doing much better except for this overwhelming lethargy.  I have no energy or endurance for anything.  I can't wait until I feel normal again.

02/06/07
Well, here it is.  My 1st stall.  Only 1 pound lost this week. (If I was on WW, I would be thrilled!)  Thanks to all the posts on the OH board, I know that this is to be expected and normal.  I think I'm stalled right now because I spent many years stabalized at this weight range.  Guess my body wants to hold onto it for old times sake!  I just need to hold on until the scale starts moving again.  It's not bothering me too much.  I feel kinda secure seeing these numbers on the scale, they're familiar numbers.  I've also been having some difficulties advancing my diet, any type of meat no matter how moist really hurts and causes severe nausea.  So, I'm just sticking to the really soft foods right now and I'll try moist meats again maybe next week.

02/13/07
It's getting so hard to stay positive and non-discouraged.  Even though I promised myself that I wouldn't focus on the numbers on the scale, I can't help but do exactly that.  My weight loss has slowed down to barely 1 pound/week, which I have to keep reminding myself that on WW standards, that type of loss is fantastic!  But I keep reading about everyone elses phenomenal losses in the 1st few weeks and I can't help but feel like I'm behind the 8 ball with my total loss to date.  Its just not rocketing off like everyone elses.  I keep telling myself: its ok, its a steady healthy loss, I'm still ahead of the game compared to if I was trying to follow WW, its probably a result of years of abuse to my metabolism with my chronic dieting then binging patterns, my body is used to this weight range and is trying to hold on to it....  But all of this is just empty words to me.  I want to start seeing my clothes getting too big, I want to be amazed and excited by the changes, I just want what I expected to happen post-op.  I'm following the rules, my calorie intake averages 800 - 1000cal/day, I'm getting in all of my protein despite my difficulties advancing to solids, I'm drinking adequately, I'm even excercising (treadmill or mall walk 30 minutes minimum/day).  Nothing more I can do but wait and watch.  

2/28/07
I've just entered a new "decade" of numbers on the scale.  I haven't seen this weight range since my oldest son was born almost 16 years ago!!!!!!!!  It feels so surreal.  I see the numbers going down on the scale, but I don't feel any different.  Well, thats not exactly true, I do feel physically better these days, but there is absolutely no sense of amazement that accompanies this feeling.  I couldn't even feel excited about the numbers the scale revealed this morning. My clothes definitely fit better and a couple of things that were my "all time high fat sizes" are probably too big (I haven't tried them on lately to see), but I haven't yet begun to run out of clothes since I have such a large assortment of sizes and styles in my closet.  I just don't feel like I'm losing the weight.  I guess this is an example of how I need to wait for my head to catch up with my body.  Oh well!  I don't care!  Its happening and thats all that really matters!!!!

03/09/07
Unbelievable. I'm now "officially" 2 months post-op.  All of a sudden this past week, any food intolerance issues seem to have gone away.  My biggest food issue right now is that I don't always have a handle on when to stop eating, At times I eat until I feel discomfort and then I feel "pukey" for a good hour after. Now that I've identified that problem, I'm working on it. I've been on what I've assumed was another stall for the past week or so. But the biggest downer is that instead of the scale moving downward, this morning my big 2 month point weigh-in showed a gain of 1.5 lbs!  I"m very tempted to just ignore it, not document it and wait for it to just go away again. Maybe its water weight from too much salt the past couple of days. Thats my old dieting mentality rearing its head up.  So, time to analyze.  My total calories are still within 800 - 1000/day.  I've been treadmilling 30min about 3 days/week (gotta work on improving that, but this alone is an improvement over what I used to do).  However, the carb. monster has invaded my diet. In an attempt to counteract constipation, I've been having high fiber cereal every morning (high protein, but also high carbs!)  I've discovered and unfortunately tolerate sugar free cookies and that has turned into a red light food for me, so no more buying those.  Now that I can eat and tolerate veggies, I should be able to decrease the cereal.  I need to increase my lean proteins and continue to add healthy veggies.  OK, plan of action made.  Now to implement it.....

04/04/2007
I don't feel like I've hit major milestones, but I guess I have!  My BMI is now in the "obese" range and no longer in the "extemely obese" range.  I have been off of my blood pressure medicine since week #2.  Today I was instructed by my PMD to decrease my Lipitor dosage from 30mg to 20 mg because my lab work looked very normal!  All of my clothes fit me very loosely and very comfortably, no pinching, stabbing, binding, etc.  I have gone down a size in bras.  My husband says he can see a big difference in the size of my hips and my stomach, he says I'm shrinking!

05/08/07
My 2 favorite foods in the world (or shall I say my pre-op world) were/are ice cream and cheesecake.  However, if I had to choose between the 2 items, cheesecake would win out every time.  So what do I get yesterday as a gift? (from a carpool buddy who doesn't know I've had surgery)  A HUGE cheesecake from a bakery that makes an incredible cheesecake!  My kids don't like cheesecake, my husband will eat it if its there but its far from a favorite for him, so into the 'fridge it went until my hubby could take it to his office today.  
So, what is all my cheesecake rambling leading up to??  A lot of hard concious thinking on my part which I think is one of the hardest things we must do in order to succeed long term with this journey.  My thoughts yesterday traveled like this:
OMG, this is torture, I want to taste it soooo bad, I think I'm going to cry, I feel deprived, its not fair that I'll never be able to have a "normal" occassional treat, I mean isn't that the crux of the matter? learning to eat in moderation?  "Normal" people eat cheesecake, just don't binge on it.  Its not fair that I can't even eat like a "normal" person.
I haven't really tested the dumping waters yet, I've been compliant so far, maybe its time to test the dumping waters with something special like this.  But what if I don't dump?  If I don't dump, the floodgates may open.  OMG, I want just a taste sooooo bad!!!
OK.  Where am I placing my values?  Is a "taste" of cheesecake really more important than everything I value in my life?  Is not tasting that cheesecake going to negatively affect me?  Yes, one taste (if I can stop at that one taste, which I doubt) won't change anything in terms of my health and weight loss, but why am I placing so much value on having just that one taste?  
Things are going so well right now.  I'm able to walk faster and longer and keep up with the 20 somethings at work now, isn't that sensation more valuble than a taste of cheesecake?  What are my values??????

End of story....my husband had a slice of cheesecake, we put a slice away for my son who wasn't sure if he wanted it or not, and the cheesecake went to work with my hubby this morning untasted by me.  And I no longer feel deprived or sad about it.  I've defined my values appropriately (at least for now)

08/13/07
OMG!  I tucked a blouse into my pants and didn't look like a freak!!!
I can't beleive it!  I honestly thought I would never wear tucked in shirts again.  I figured that I had permanently damaged the shape of my body so that no matter how much weight I lost, tucked in shirts would always look bad.  I guess I was wrong!!  I think this has been the best WOW moment I've had yet!!

08/18/07
Just realized I never posted about my eye exam this year.  Went for my check-up in July and the Dr. said that the evidence of high cholesterol she saw in my eye vessels last year was no longer there.  PROOF!  The damage done from obesity CAN be undone!!

08/31/07

Major weight loss milestones achieved!!  2 of my "wish" goals were to 1] fit into a rollercoaster 
2] fit into and ride on one of those Italian swing rides
Well, you guessed it!!  I did it!! I did it!!  I did it!!  Went to Hershey Park yesterday and easily and comfortably fit into every single ride in the park!  WOOHOO!!  Its amazing how much more fun these rides are when you can fit into them properly!  I used to squeeze myself into the rollercoaster seats that were big enough to let me (which of course was only a rare few) by sitting sideways half out of the seat with the side of the seat digging into my big hips and the lap bar barely clicking closed.  Amazing that those so-called ride attendents let me ride that way.  I could have easily been thrown out during the ride.  I would get off of those rides so bruised feeling and my legs and arms were shaking 'cause I was straining my muscles to the max. trying to hold on....  OMG, what an irresponsible full of denial idiot I was.  Anyways, I had a ball yesterday and couldn't stop grinning and feeling giddy with each new ride that I was able to fit into.  I also became acutely aware of all of the "former me's" waiting for their kids at the exit gates 'cause they couldn't ride the rides due to their size.  I would see them and think to myself "that used to me".
  This is worth every single morsel of junk food that I no longer eat!!!! 

09/28/07
I am a solid size 16....misses size 16, not womens size 16.  OMG.  I can't accept its real.  I keep gravitating towards the larger sizes when I shop, I'm in a state of disbelief, it just can't be right!  OMG!

11/05/07
Reality Check time!!  Oh, those nasty little halloween mini-bars...combine easy access to them with family stress and VOILA! old bad grazing for comfort habits take over without notice.  Felt a litte too confident in my perceived ability to eat without consequence and I intentionally tested the candy bar waters on Halloween for "just a taste" since I was sitting safely at home where any bad dumping effects would be a private experience.  As feared, I don't dump on sugar.  I opened the flood gates and I must now accept the damage and actively work on resisting what I now know I can eat without experiencing the negative cattle prod effect.  What started with one small bite sized chocolate treat quickly morphed into grabbing one, then two, then a handful, then going back for more because "I'm in control, I'm eating like a normal person and enjoying an occasional treat like a normal person.  There's nothing wrong with that, after all, that's what my goal is...to get out of the diet mentality and just learn to eat like a normal, healthy person"  Well, I've been acting this way since Halloween eve, thats 6 solid days of "treating" myself with "just a sample"of candy.  The scale has gone UP 3 pounds!  No surprise, just reality biting me in the proverbial behind (thank goodness).  So, back to tracking my food intake on Fit Day.  Back to focusing on protein 1st.  Back to the rule of "some foods are not allowed...EVER!"  I can get this under control and just write this week off as a week wasted in terms of weight loss, but a week with a lesson well learned, I hope for good. 

January 7th, 2008      1 YEAR POST-OP!!!!
It's here!  My 1 year mark! today, (starting with that oh so wonderful bowel prep) I embarked on the final leg of my life-long journey towards a healthy body and life style. Have I reached my dream goals????  Well, that depends on my mood and how I look at it.  The negative moods:  I really thought that by now I would be in that elusive land called wonderland...I'm hovering just above it with an agonizingly slow loosing trend.  I really expected to be in a size 14 by now, but I guess that comes with entering onderland which I haven't entered yet.  I still feel fat and really need to go on that new show where the guy gets you to feel good about yourself naked!
And now for the postive moods: I have lost over 90 pounds in a 1 year period.  That's twice as much weight as I could have hoped to lose on WW if I followed the WW program to perfection and I was never able to follow any program to perfection!  I am wearing a solid and sometimes loose size 16 and I can fit into a size 14 (even though they fit tightly and look horrid, I can still zip 'em up!) That's down from a painfully tight size 22W and the rare size 24W that I reluctantly succumbed to buying. The best news is my health status!  I am off of blood pressure meds and my avg. blood pressure readings have been 90's-110's/60's-70's.  My most recent total cholesterol level was in the 160's!!!  THE 160'S!!!!!!  I've never been that low, even as a teenager!!  I can work a full 12 hour shift without developing painfully swollen ankles and knees.  I can excercise without feeling like I'm dying in the process.  I FIT INTO ANY CHAIR ANY WHERE!!!!!  The list goes on and on and on....  I need to dig out my wish list that I typed up just prior to my surgery.  It's about 2 pages long of all of the things that I couldn't do at that time....things like fitting into chairs, crossing my legs (which I can now do!!!), things like that.  It should feel really good to cross off all of those items that I now can achieve without giving it a second thought.  I've said it before, I'll say it again....this was the best decision I've ever made for myself!
1/11/08
ONDERLAND!!!!!!!   I think....
Its a very tenuous hold, only there by 0.5 lbs...the scale this morning finally broke the 200 barrier with 199.5.  That means I'm one pickle away from slipping back into tooterville.  I thought I would be dancing and crying and shouting when I hit this elusive milestone, but I feel none of those emotions.  It doesn't feel like anything special has happened. But the truth is, something special has happenened and I guess I'm just not emotionally prepared to acknowledge it.  Boy, do I have issues......

1/12/08
I have better foothold into onderland today.  Scale read 199 even.  I still feel like its a tenuous hold though.  I need to be further away from that 200 barrier wall to really feel confident that I've arrived.

2/09/08
Well...as anticipated I lost my foothold into Onederland.  I knew that the numbers would bounce back up, it was too good to be true, too unreal even.  Well, I'm still close..soon I hope I'll be there for good.  Then I'll feel like something special has happened.  Until then, I'll just keep plugging along.  I think I'm losing inches though, or at least my body shape is adjusting down or tightening up or something.  My clothes feel a lot looser and a dress I bought last month that wouldn't zip up all the way now zips up all the way.  I really should take my measurements one of these mornings for an ego boost.  I need it bad.

2/27/08
Went for my follow-up with my pulmonary Dr. today for the results of my 1yr. post WLS sleep study.  I'M CURED!!!!  No more obstructive sleep apnea....none....nada....zippo...I'm NORMAL!!!!  So, BUH BYE to my C-PAP machine!!!
My health history 13 months after WLS:
Obstructive Sleep Apnea.....CURED
Hypertension.....CURED
Pre-Diabetes.....CURED
High Cholesterol....CURED
Morbid Obesity....CURED and down graded to borderline obese, soon to be just overweight!
Hypothyroidism....oh well, there has to be something that isn't affected by weight!!!!!

Now with a health history like that, I know I've lengthened my life span.  I will be here to play with my future grandchildren and spoil them rotten!!!  (bearing in mind that my sons are only 16 and 12 years old!!!  Working on getting thru high school 1st! We have a while to go before grandchildren!!)

03/10/08
OK.  Here I am.  Back in onederland.  Tenuous hold still.  Am I really there this time, or was this just the result of a big poop?  (I know, a bit graphic here, but the truth is the truth...)  Time will tell, but I'm not holding out hope.

04/09/08

Yup.  I'm back.  Back in twoterville that is.  This is so frustrating and depressing. I've been going up and down with same 2-3 pounds for ever it feels like.   I really feel like, no make that I believe that I've reached my potential with the WLS.  Anything more is going to have to come from resuming a dieting mentality which I've promised myself I would never return to.  I just want to maintain a healthy dietary intake and stay away from measuring, counting, depriving, etc.  Entering the diet mentality has hurt me over the years, that's why I've needed to have WLS.  Once I start down that diet road, I've set myself up for mental sabotage and failure because
diets send me into a psychological tail spin
.  I can follow structure, I can follow rules.  I just can't follow a diet. I become miserable on diets. So, am I just in a rut?  In a stall?  Have I allowed the calories and carbs to get away from me?  That last question is a definite possibility.  I definitely need to shake things up a bit as far as eating more protein dense foods.  I do tend to eat a lot of "slider" foods I think.  I eat a lot of cottage cheese, stews, chili's, etc.  All high protein, but all probable slider foods therefore I can eat more of them and the full feeling doesn't last long.  Its been recommended to me that I do the 5 day pouch test.  I've been hesitant because to me that seems like entering the diet mentality world again, but I'm rethinking that.  I think that I will do the 5 day pouch test next week when I'm home for 5 days in a row and my husband will be out of town...therefore I won't have to worry about making a real dinner for him or having to provide explanations about what I'm doing.  Hopefully, this will help me get back in touch with the basics and maybe even jump start this possible stall (although I have a hard time believing this is a stall, it has to be real and all my doings). What have I got to lose?  ( no pun intended


JANUARY 8, 2009               2 YEARS OUT!!!!

My 2 year reflections:

It's hard to comprehend the fact that I am now 2 years into my new life.  2 years ago today, I was nervously embarking on my WLS journey.  I was classified as morbidly obese.  I suffered from obstructive sleep apnea necessitating the wearing of that horrid C-PAP machine (which my husband and I nicknamed "Vorg" due to it making me appear as if I was an alien from another world!), hypertension barely controlled with drugs, pre-diabetes which I know deep in my heart was just a footstep away from the full blown disease, high cholestrol barely controlled with drugs, swollen and painful knees and ankles by the end of a full day at work, and the most embarrassing problem which was a painful, raw, smelly rash appearing between my legs up near my groin by the end of a 12 hour shift probably due to chronic friction caused by my huge thighs perspiring and rubbing together.     
I couldn't find clothes to fit....my size 24's were getting tight and I refused to go any higher size wise.  The clothes that did fit were boxy shapeless wonders.  I couldn't climb up the stairs without catching my breath.  I couldn't walk up the hill from the parking garage at work to the front door without working up a sweat even though I walked slower than everyone around me.  I couldn't fit into the one size fits all (including big husky men) disposable sterile cover suits that were required for entry into sterile procedure rooms at work.  I was miserable and had accepted that I would remain this way for the rest of my life.
Today:  all of the above is history.  I'm healthy.  I feel and look normal.   I'm no longer classified as morbidly obese.
I can keep up with the 20 somethings when walking up that hill to the hospital and not break a sweat or lose my breath.  I can RUN up a flight of stairs!!  I can't remember the last time my ankles and knees swelled up.  The disposable sterile cover suits are HUGE on me!!!!  Shopping for clothes is fun and continues to amaze me!
What still remains to be conquered:
For the past year, I've kept myself caught in a 5 pound revolving door between Onederland and Twoterville. My BMI is still in the obese range, but barely.  I've finally accepted the fact that I need to really, really pay attention to what goes into my mouth and when.  I feel hunger pangs again.  I continue to battle head hunger/emotional eating every day, every hour, every minute. 
My plans for my 3rd year:
OK.  Controversy here.  I need to shake things up with my sub-concious and portion control.  I need some structure that I can easily adapt to.  Just following the rules of the pouch left too much wiggle room for me with head hunger.  I had vowed when I entered this journey that I would never, never, enter that diet mentality again and I still intend on holding to that concept.  So, after much soul searching and self talking I decided that I would follow the WW plan on-line (no more meetings!  that would be too much diet mentality and not really address my needs as a WLS person) for the next 3 months.  My goal is not to lose weight WW style, but to regain portion control and to start some motivation for journaling my food intake.  For some sub-concious reason, having to figure out those point values has motivated me and given me a much needed kick start for journaling.  I've always been a lousy journaler.  I'll start journaling and see that when I journal I have a healthy eating pattern, so I start slacking on the journaling because "I know what I'm putting in my mouth" and journaling is a bit of a pain.  So, I'm now double journaling!  I keep track both on dailyplate and on the WW on-line site.  Its interesting to compare the 2 results in terms of points vs calories and protein intake.  Its holding my interest for now.  And the nice side effect is that I'm getting back to the Onderland side of the revolving door without driving myself crazy in the process.  So, maybe by the end of year 3,  I will be firmly planted in Onderland and far, far away from entering Twoterville.  I would really like to get my BMI out of the obese range and into the plain old overweight range.  But most of all, I don't want to be posting a help plea due to regaining....its a very scary reality that I can see happening all too easily.



   

  

   

          

 

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Feb 14, 2006
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