BACK and Beginning Again.
Jul 06, 2014
9 years ago in February I started on a journey. I had RNY Gastric by pass in Costa Rica. I could not have this surgery in the states because I was a Healthy FAT person. At 315 pounds and 5'8" my BMI was 48. Normal is around 18 - 25. I was severely obese. I got all the way down to 155 pounds but I was a size 4. Most RNY patients bounce up to a more reasonable weight and I did to about 170 - 175 pounds and a size 8. Over the next 9 years a lot happened to me, I met my daughter who I had place for adoption and have the most incrediable relationship with her. I found the love of my life David and married him. I got comfortable. I started eating more than I should. Eating more of what i shouldn't and less of what I should. Food was my safety. I had some low times and I should of turned to my husband or family. I turned to food. People who do not have this addiction can not understand but lets try to put this into some perspective for you. You are a smoker now stop smoking. Not so easy uh? well know imagine that the nicotine you crave is also necessary for life. With an addiction you need to give it up. Drugs, alcohol, Smoking, and even gambling. FOOD on the other hand you kinda need to eat. It is the "dirty" secret we don't talk about. I mean who wants to say "I'm Julie and I am a food addict" No one!
I began to gain weight. I was failing at RNY. The surgery did not fail me I failed me. We want to make excuse because we are embarrassed. We don't talk about how we eat for comfort. I had a pouch that only was 2 ounces and in the last 2 years I stretched it to 2.5 ounces. Does't seem like a lot but the reason why I didn't stretch it more was because I thew up 4 to 5 times a week. But event with that I caused damage. With RNY you have a small opening at the bottom of your pouch that is called the stoma. It makes sure the food stays in your tummy so you feel full longer. My stoma was completly stretched out. I had over eaten so many times for so long that i could fill my pouch and be full for about 45 mins then I was starving again. So I would eat again. So the cycle began.
I ballooned to 215 pounds. In perspective I was no where near 315. However I was slowing working my way up and killing myself everyday. I would eat feel guilty, purge, eat again. This is not something easy to admit. There are a lot of us. some of us had gastric some haven't. Some of us have eating disorders and some fight it with drugs or alcohol. You have no idea who we are. Some of us don't have a weight issue. Some of us carry our addiction on us like a stigma of shame. We lie we say things like "i'm big boned" PS BONES ARE NOT BIG! These are not lies to just you. It is lies to ourself. I saw post of someone who wrote "Just put the donut down" DUDE if it was that easy do you think we would? Sometimes I would find that I ate 5 cookies and didn't remember I did it.
Monday I had RNY Revision Surgery. I went to Mexico because again nothing wrong with me. I am not here to be judged or to be criticized. I did this because I chose to take control and it is like a drug addict going into rehab. I NEEDED HELP.
I am posting this because we don't talk about this. We shame ourself which is part of the cycle. I have talked to so many people i was honest and guess what they felt the same way I was feeling. We need to help each other. we need to support each other. celebrate wins and work through failure. But mostly we need to love ourself. I have been the happiest I have been in my life for a long time yet I was still suffering from this. It affects so many people. Men and Women as well as children.
I am committed to change will I fail sometimes YES! I am human. But I want to be committed to not just me but to being that person someone can walk up to and say I need help. I can't help you but I can take a minute out of my day and listen. Tell you its not just you. Your not alone. Don't shame yourself. Love who you are. We are all on this planet for a reason. I feel like I have 2 reasons. 1. To be a birth mom 2. To be a person who lives with obesity and not just ride the struggle bus but owns a fleet of struggle busses!
I would love to have monthly "Happy Hours" so we can sit around and talk about what we deal with an how to cope. Who knows maybe thats a dream.
So this journey has side tracked and I am on to a new journey it feels the same but it is so different. For those of you who want to know. I had a GREAT experience with my surgery. I am doing great. I am really sore and a little tired. Tijuana Bariatrics was where I had my revision with Dr. Dr. Fernando Garcia Govea.
Please do not hesitate to call, text email or walk up to me and talk to me about this. However if you want to judge me, Feel free just leave me out.
I am off on my journey again.
I will weigh once month
RNY 2.2.06 271/155/ RNY REVISION 6.30.14 215/?/143