Please make it stop!

Jan 09, 2010

Post Date: 1/10/10 5:17 am

I just got off the scale and I am hysterical!  My weight just keeps going up and up and up and I have no idea why.  I cannot go to the doc because my husband and I are both out of work and have no more insurance.  I don't know what to do; I am so miserable.  I am 21/2 years out, my lowest weight was 112 down from 248.  I was too skinny just a year ago.  Everyone told me I needed to put on weight and I was too thin.  I wish I had never listened because I gained almost 50 lbs. since then and now I am at 159.  How could I let this happen????  I hate myself.  I promised I would never gain this weight back, that I would never allow myself to get back here.  Now all my clothes are too tight and the scale just keeps going up no matter what I try.  Not only that, but I am ALWAYS hungry.

I am started to think those who warned me were right.  They saiid everyone who has this surgery gains the weight back eventually.  I disagreed with those people so vehemently and swore to prove them wrong.  Now, here I am, so depressed I don't even want to leave the house.  As it is, I had to deal with all the snickers behind my back at Christmas from the family members who were jealous when I lost the weight and telling me I would gain it all back like everyone else.  Ugggg, I so wanted to prove them wrong.  I feel like such a loser, a failure.

I have tried everything.  I tried eating small, healthy meals every 3 or 4 hours to keep my metabolism going, I gained that week.  Then I tried no eating all day and just having dinner, thinking that would take my calories way down, even though I know not eating slows the metabolism down.  I tried drinking a ton of water and making sure I got in all my protein; that didn't work either.  All I see is the numbers go up, no matter what I eat or don't eat.  I feel like I still barely eat.  I take two bites and I am full.  So, why am I gaining so drastically???  I feel like I have absolutely no control and like I am going to be back at 248 before I know it.  I cannot tell you all how devastated I feel over this. 

You have all always been there for me throughout this whole journey and I know I wouldn't have made it through without my OH friends/family.  But, if I ever needed you, I need you now!  Please tell me what to do. I will try anything.  My next attempt was going to be Atkins.  i used to have pretty good luck with that one, even though I couldn't stay on it past 3 months.  I just want to stop this weight gain in its tracks, before it is too late and the road is too long again.

What really scares me is that I see those who were my inspiration on here going through the same thing.  They were my rocks; and now they sound just as defeated as I do.  Is it just inevitable that we are all going to eventually gain the weight back, no matter what?  Please say it isn't so and tell me there is something I can do to stop this madness.

I appreciate any advice you all have and would love to hear from those who have kept the weight off successfully over more than a 2 year period, as well as from those who are going through the same thing.  Please say some prayers for me.  I just don't think I could take it if I got back to the awful way I looked and felt at 248.

Thanks in advance for your help,
 

0 comments

September 29

Sep 28, 2008

Yikes, I'm embarrassed it has been so long since I checked in here.  A lot has happened since June.  I am down to 130, which is awesome, but I am worried now about losing too much weight, as I have no appetite and don't each much.  I am in a size 3 now!!!  That is just unbelievable to me.  I am thrilled.

Unfortunately, I had to have another internal hernia repair just last week.  It was exactly the same as the first one, six months later.  I had the same horrible pain, went to emergency, came home and then ended up checking in the next day for surgery.  I just don't know why this keeps happening and niether does my doc.  I am hoping I can at least get a covered tummy tuck out of the deal.  We'll see.  The worst part is that we were in between insurances when I had the surgery!  We were thinking we would have to spend the rest of our lives paying for it.  Then some angel came into my hospital room and signed me up for this insurance for people in need.  It covers the whole thing!!!!!!  I cannot express my gratitude for that.  As it is, we are so behind in all our bills and totally broke.

Anyhow, I am happy at 130 with my new life.  I am also teaching again, morning Kindergarten, which I love.  I hope to be full time next year.  I just love the kids.  I've missed them dearly.  i feel like I have awaken from a deep sleep being back at school.  I am also going for a second masters degree in Psychology.  I am excited.  Things are looking up.

Mousie

June 16, 2008

Jun 16, 2008

Hello Friends,
Again, sorry I haven't written in awhile.  I have actually been working a little bit substituting once or twice a week for my district.  It is nice to get back into it slowly, but after one day I am exhausted lol.  I can't believe I used to do it everyday.  But, honestly, I miss the kids a lot.  Teaching is a part of me and it really bothers me that I cannot find a job with 7 years of experience and a Masters Degree.  This economy is awful and seemingly getting worse.  We are so broke!!!  I hope I start getting some interviews for next school year.  I have my application in to every district in the state practically!  It is so much nicer now to go on interviews or anywhere for that matter.  I can actually dress up and look nice, instead of sweating bullets in a huge piece of fabric that just covers me up enough.  I walk much prouder now in my size 6.  Size 6, size 6, size 6, size 6!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I just have to say it over and over.  I cannot get over it.  I have never been a size 6, nor did I ever dream I would be in a size 6.  I went shopping with my mom the other day and realized that my 8s were too big and I was on to a 6.  I was soooooooooo happy.  I actually bought myself a miniskirt!  I can't believe it.  I think it is just starting to all hit me.  Before this realization, I wasn't feeling all that different from when I was heavy.  I still had no energy and still had bouts of Depression, even on the meds.  In addition to that, I've been getting sick on everything lately.   I need to go get that checked out.  It is not as bad now, since I still have 25 pounds to lose, but what happens when I'm at goal?  I don't want to become anorexic.  I will make an appointment to talk with my surgeon about that.  Otherwise, I am feeling really good about the weight loss.  I'm hanging out at 150 these days.  I guess it is another stall.  I don't think I am eating enough.  I have to watch that.  Ok, I'll post again when the scale starts moving.
Mousie

May 17, 2008

May 16, 2008

Hello My OH Family,
Again, I have waited way to long to update my profile.  IT is already May, 8 months from when I had my surgery. Since my last post, I have had emergency surgery on an internal hernia.  I have never known such horrible pain in my life.  It was so awful.  The surgery was nothing compared to the pain I felt beforehand.  I was literally moaning and crying, all hunched over in the hospital for like 4 hours before they finally gave me enough pain meds to actually work.  I couldn't believe people kept walking by, seeing me hysterical and in pain and not doing anything or asking if I was ok.  I was like, "Isn't this supposed to be a hosptial where caring people work?"  It sure didn't seem like it until this angel nurse found my doc and got me the pain meds.  I hope I never have to feel pain like that again!

 I finally broke the plateau I was in for like 7 weeks.  All of a sudden a huge amount of weight and inches dropped off.  I hope that gives hope to those who are experiencing a plateau now.  It was so frustrating and disheartening, but so well worth it.  I wouldn't have minded so much if I knew the huge weight drop was coming, but I was beginning to think I was through losing and/or doing something wrong with my diet.  I guess everyone's body works differently.  I am at 154 now and feeling very thin and happy.  I cannot get over this feeling.  I actually see my reflection  in store windows and don't want to cry.  I am excited about shopping and everything looks so nice on my new body.  I am in a size 8 jeans, which is just beyond my comprehension.  And I bought a little tiny mini skirt and it actually looks nice!  Someone actually told me I have nice legs!  Can you believe that?  As long as the skirt is long enough to cover my upper thighs, it looks good lol.  You all know what I mean.  I don't think I'll ever be ready for a bathing suit, but I do feel so much better about myself.  I have to update my pics as I haven't taken any since the weight drop and there is a huge difference.  My face looks totally different and so much thinner.  Of course now I get those comments how "oh, her face is too thin  and drawn".  No one ever seems happy so I don't pay attention.  Either i'm too fat or too thin, whatever.  I feel good and that is what counts, right?  My dad keeps telling me how proud he is of me and to take a lot of pictures.  He is so paranoid that I will gain the weight back.  He keeps telling me, "Don't you dare go  back or I'll kill you!"  It makes me feel bad that  he seems to love me more just because I am thin. 

My Depression is getting better.  I think it ihas a lot to do with the weight loss and increase in meds.  I still have bouts of it, but not nearly as bad as I was, thank God.

Well, I usually don't write unless there has been a change in my body, which is why it seems so long in between posts.  I am sure I will go through another plateau now that I dropped another 10 pounds, but now that I know it just takes time and I'm not doing anything wrong, I can be patient,

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Mar 13, 2008

Well, here I am, still at my plateau between 169-172.  I feel like I am done losing, yet I still am eating right.  I just don't understand.  How can I stay the same and eat this healthy, when I stayed the same before and ate anything I wanted?  It makes no sense to me.  I eat a fraction of what I usred to eat AND I don't eat sweets anymore, which I ate a ton of preop.  So, how can I not be losing.  The whole reason I got this surgery was because the weight loss was so slow and I could never stick to it that long because I was hungry.  But, even with the surgery, it is going so slow.

The other thing is I just don't see the weight loss of 70 pounds.  Yes, my clothes are big and I feel thinner, but not thin, far from thin.  I am constantly looking at myself in the mirror and squeezing fat here and sucking it in there, trying to see the 70 pounds I lost.  But, I still feel fat; I am still a fat person.  I don't notice any more attention from men or looks or anything.  When I went out with my bf, Kathleen to the bon jovi concert, all the looks still went to her, just like in high school.  And, my parents were kind enough to point out that I am not as pretty as she is and still not as skinny as her.  I don't notice any more attention from my husband.  He is the same as before.  Our sex life is the same.  I just don't see the changes I had hoped for.

Will I ever like what I see in the mirror?  OR, will I always be critical and unhappy with the way I look.  I had this surgery to feel better, to feel more confident, more willing to be around people.  But, I don't feel that way.  I still hide in my apartment and don't go out all week and I am still Depressed.  I wish I could just snap out of this. I am never happy.  Why can't I ever be happy like other people?

Hallelujah

Mar 11, 2008

LISTEN TO THIS SONG!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=v8jpNiUuwcw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AratTMGrHaQ&feature=related

Hallelujah


I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
Well, it goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, baby, I've been here before.
I've seen this room, and I've walked this floor.
I used to live alone before I knew you.
But I've seen your flag on the marble arch,
And love is not a victory march,
It's a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, there was a time when you'd let me know
What's really going on below,
But now you never show that to me, do you?
But remember when I moved in you,
And the Holy Ghost was moving too,
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Well, maybe there is a God above,
But all that I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you.
It's not a cry that you hear at night,
And it is not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it is a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah


March 9, 2008

Mar 09, 2008

Hello There,
Wow, I really need to start writing in here more often.  Time just seems to go by so fast!  Last night I went to see Bon Jovi and Daughtry at the Mohegan Casino with my hubby, best friend and her hubby.  It was such a blast!!!  We haven't been out with another couple in a long time.  It was nice to get dressed up at my new weight.  For once, I wasn't dreading trying to find something to wear.  I actually was happy with the way I looked; imagine that!  I even discovered that I actually have collarbones!  Now that is exciting lol.

Anyhow, my parents were there gambling and we stopped to say hello and get the tickets from them.  The next day, my parents call to see how the concert was and their comments pissed me off so bad.  I can't believe they think what they said was a compliment in any way shape or form.  They were like "Oh, you look good.  You are almost as pretty as your friend now" and "Well, you are not as skinny as she is yet!" or how about  just the fact that they went on and on about how gorgeous she was and made me feel like second best, which is how I felt all my life with this friend.  All the guys I ever liked liked her and not me.  And to have my own parents say that is so annoying.  

My whole life they have been making hurtful comments like that about my weight, which I already felt self fonnscious of..  I swear they do not think before they talk.! Then, if iI try to stick up for myself and tell them that it hurts my feelings, they tell me I am dramatic and overly sensitive.  That is why I don't even bother.  I try not to let it get to me (I should be used to it by now), but it always does.  I posted about it in the main forum and all my friends at OH made me feel so much better.  I am so fortunate to have you all here.  I am very grateful.

As far as weight loss goes, I am at a stand still going on 5 weeks at 169.  I can't wait until the scale starts moving again.  I just got my elliptical  machine this week, so maybe if I step up the exercise, the scale will finally move.

February 14, 2008

Feb 14, 2008

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Today, I took a good look at myself naked in the mirror.  I was not happy, to say the least.  I think I thought after losing this weight, I would have a beautiful figure, since I am pretty young and all.  I thought I was finally going to be able to wear shorts and a bikini.  Well,  I was sadly mistaken.  My stomach looks awful!  It hangs down in three rolls that I keep squeezing and sucking in to see what I would look like with a tt/flat stomach, which I have never had.  Plus, it has all those markings on it from surgery.  It's not like smooth beautiful skin that anyone would want to look at.  It's plain old ugly.

Now, I know everyone says that I am being shallow and vain and that I should concentrate on the health aspect of the weight loss.  But hell, I went through a lot and I really wanted to experience what it is like to have a beautiful figure and now I am realizing that I will never have that without major plastics.  My boobs and inner thighs are starting to sag and my stomach is just gross.  I don't have any money for plastics and I doubt insurance will cover it because I'm sure according to them, it is not bad enough.  But to me it is.  What is the point of losing all this weight if I'm still going to be ashamed to be naked in front of my husband.  I think the hanging skin looks worse than the fat.  At least when I was fat, my skin was plump and tight, no wrinkles.

I guess I am really shallow because it seems like everyone on the boards says they don't care about the hanging skin, as long as they are healthy.  I wish I could feel that way, but I didnt' want to still feel ashamed of my body.  That was the whole point..  I mean, I did do it for health reasons, but I also did it for confidence reasons.  I was sick of feeling ashamed of my body and always having to cover up.  I was sick of hating the way I looked.  I just wanted to be beautiful for once in my life.  I wanted to know how it feels to be beautiful and proud of how I looked.  I didn't think I would be hating my body after losing 65 pounds.  How do you all get past it?  Either everyone is lying when they say they don't care as long as they are healthy, or everyone is just less shallow than me.

The worst part if that my family keeps making comments like, "I see a bikini in your future this summer".  Are you kidding?  I wouldn't be caught dead in a bikini now, the way I look.  I so wish I could afford plastics, so I could go all the way and really make the transformation.  But I will never have that kind of money.  I just feel so disappointed with how my body looks, instead of feeling thrilled that I am lighter and healthier.

Am I the only one who feels this way???

February 6, 2008

Feb 05, 2008

Wow, it has been forever since I last blogged.  Well it is February already and I am hanging out around 178 these days.  It is coming off slowly but surely.  I finally went to the gym this past week, but boy was I in pain the next two days.  I felt like I should be skinny after the first time lol.  I guess I am lazy and I will never love exercise, but I do realize it is necessary and will try to make sure I get there at least 3/4 times a week.  I did 20 minutes on the treadmill at around 3.5 mph.  I didnt' think I overdid it, until I woke up the next morning in pain.  I expected it though, seeing as I haven't exercised in years.  I still wish I could afford to get a treadmill in my apartment.  I know I would do it much more often then.

I recently went back to my original dosage of Prozac, 80 mg, since I was beginning to feel real depressed again.   I tried going down to 40 mg, but I probably should have known better.  I guess I just need to be on this dosage to balance me out.  I am starting to feel it's effects, but I know it takes around 6 weeks to really kick in.  I just know when I feel it working, I have more motivation and want to do more things.  When I'm Depressed, I don't want to do anything at all.  I can barely make myself get out of bed and a shower is an act of congress!  My arms and legs just feel like weights and I get so tired.  I am looking forward to feeling the positive effects of the higher dosage soon, so I can get back in the race.  Depression is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Well, my dad can't get over how thin I look.  He talks about how proud he is of me all the time and tells everyone how great I look.  Too bad he couldn't be proud of me when I was heavier too.  I mean, I was the same person inside.  It just irritates me a little that I have to LOOK good to please my dad.  Looks are everything to my family.  That is how Italian families are.  I guess I am the black sheep in the family, because I don't feel that way and it has always annoyed me.  Whenever my parents see someone after a long time, all they talk about is how much weight they gained or lost, instead of how they are doing or whether they are happy or not.  It just irks me.  My dad keeps telling me that now that I'm thinner, I will do well at my teaching interviews.  He said no one likes fat people or something cruel like that.  I think I will be so resentful if people start treating me nicer, just because I am skinny, when before they ignored me.  That just isn't right.  I am still the same person.

Oh well, I guess that is how our society is and there is not much we can do about it.  I'm beginning to wonder if I might want to work with people who are having this surgery.  I feel like I could be sensitive to their feelings considering I was there once.  I do love teaching, but if I don't get a teaching job, maybe that is something I will look into.  Who knows.  

Well, that is enough for today.  I will try to write more often, so I don't have so much to say each time.

December 21, 2007

Dec 20, 2007

Yayyyyyyyyyy, the scale moved since the last post.  I am hanging out at 192 now.  Guess I should be getting used to my five pound bouts by now.  I stay the same for about 2 weeks, then drop another 4 or 5.  At least the scale is moving the right direction.  I am happy about that.  I have my 3 month follow up appointment on Dec 27th.  I hope my doc is pleased with my results.

I am just having a hard time getting the water in.  I forget to drink and then hours go by and it's too late to get it all in then.  I will need to work on that.  I saw this cool water bottle with a timer/reminder on it.  I asked my hubby for it ifor Christmas.  That is what I think I need, a timer.

I have barely been eating laely and my hunger comes and goes.  I have become addicted to coffee and that is what I look forward to the most in my day.  I just love it!!!  

I've started fitting into things I haven't worn in over 5 years and it feels sooooooooooo good.  I want more, more, more!!!!  I'm so impatient and greedy its ridiculous.

Well Christmas is in a few days and I'll be seeing my whole family for the big Italian holiday at mom and dad's.  I hope everyone isnt expectin me to be skinny already, cause i'm not, from from it.  Hopefully I don't get any annoying comments.  You know how family can be.

I am a bit sad that I won't be able to enjoy the feast and, most especially, my favorite sugar cookies with frosting, yummmmmmmmmmm, but its not worth ruining my progress for.  I'll be ok.  I think everyone is goin to make a big deal out of the fact that I can't have anything, and that is what will make it hard, not so much the temptation.  But, you know Italians, always telling you to eat, and if you don't, they force you.  I just hope they all can respect my decision to stay on my  course and not cheat.  Anyway, if I eat sugar, I throw up immediately.  So, i'm pretty sure I won't chance it.

We'll see.  I'll post after and let you know how I did :)


About Me
Danbury, CT
Location
23.0
BMI
RNY
Surgery
09/27/2007
Surgery Date
Feb 03, 2006
Member Since

Friends 263

Latest Blog 19
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March 9, 2008
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