Jennifer M.

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So, today is my one year surgiversary! I cant believe that one year ago today I walked thru the door at John Hopkins, a 430 pound, insecure, unhealthy, unhappy woman. And today, exactly one year later, I have lost 205 pounds. My confidence has grown, my health has improved beyond belief and I'm finally figuring out who I really am. I cant lie and say it has been smooth sailing all year. There has been some real hurdles along the way. There were times, in the beginning, where I felt so alone, and isolated and overwhelmed. I was an emotional eater, and used food to boost my mood whenever I was happy, sad, depressed, stressed etc. Since I was a child food was my most intimate best friend. Always there when I needed to, quite literally, reach out. Post op I could no longer eat whenever I wanted, or WHATever I wanted. I had never realized just how addicted to sugar I was, nor how out of control my food binges were. All of a sudden I had to deal with all my problems head-on, instead of grabbing a spoon, a gallon of ice cream, and sitting in front of the TV and zoning out. I think I cried more in the first few weeks post op then I had in my entire life. Luckily I had OH and such a wonderful support team. There was always someone who knew exactly how I was feeling, or had an answer to my questions, no matter how silly or how embarrassing they were. One thing I can honestly say about my RNY, is that even with all my hurdles, I have never once regret ed my decision to go under the knife. This surgery gave me the opportunity to change my lifestyle, new tools to use in order to regain control of my health and a new sense of self. I LOVE MY RNY! In the next year I will start looking into plastics, and hopefully hitting my weight loss goal. My surgeon and nutritionist told me 165, but I personally had thought 185 would be fine for me. But now I'm at 225, and 165 isn't looking so untouchable anymore. That is 60 pounds away. I do know I have probably a good 15 to 20 pounds of skin Id like to have removed, especially my arms. My arms are where I am the most insecure. I cant wait to be able to wear a sleeveless shirt in public! I'm sure I will be posting when this goal happens! :) So this year will be a year of changes as well, I like to think that this is the 'finishing touches' stage to my weight loss journey. After that I will be in the 'maintaining' stage. And from what I understand, that can be the most difficult stage of all.Please wish me luck in this next stage of my adventure! And if there are any newbies reading this, please feel free to ask me any questions. If it hadn't been for people who had gone thru this ahead of me, I may not be where I am today. I hope I can return the favor!
Jen

So it has been over a month since i've been on here. (Our comp got a virus, all better now!) Ive missed coming on here. Its so great to have people who know exactly what im going thru to talk to. Anytime I have a ?, no matter how big or minute, there;s always someone online with an answer! Ive missed you guys! :)

So, a few weeks ago I hit a huuuuge milestone for myself. When I had my surgery on Sept 19th 2008, my goal was to loose 100 pounds by my one year surgiversery. Well, 25 days before my one year (which as of now is 11 days away) I hopped on the scale, and had officially hit 200 pounds lost. Thats right peoples! I have lost 200 fricken pounds in less than a year. I am soooo proud! On the day of surgery I was 430 pounds, and now I am 229 pounds. And I feel so healthy and alive! I still want to loose about 70 more pounds, but i know that I will get there, and im sooo pumped!

Have a great Labor Day Y'all!

So I had my surgery on September 19th, and so far to date I have lost... drumroll please!.... 168 pounds!! Woot! I dont know why I didnt take my measurments untill Feburary (and I only took them then because I was getting my wedding dress lol) but  in 4 months I have lost  3 inches off my bust (much to my new husbands dismay lol) an inch off my waist and 7 inches off my hips. Yaaaay! Only 97 pounds till im at goal!!! (my starting weight on the day of surgery was a whopping 430 pounds!!!!!)

Sorry Im just sooooo excited, and I just couldnt hide it! Lol

I feel as if im going out of my mind. I may even have allready lost it... Lately I have been so stressed out I hardly smile anymore. I used to find humor in everything, joke and laugh, and that has been far and few between as of late.  I feel like im on the edge and about to fall over into an endless abyss... I should be a happy camper. I should be looking forward to these next few months with excitment and joy... Im getting married in 24 days to a good man, im going on a honeymoon at a beautiful resort right on the water, then three weeks after we get back from the honeymoon I am going on a week long trip with my son to disneyworld, and meeting up with some friends who are very special to me. Shouldnt I be jumping for fucking joy? Well... im not. There is so much pressure on me, and family drama and financial struggles and emotional struggles and then there is everyday nuances and they are adding up and I really seriously want to disappear... to cease to exsist even. My soon 2 be mother in law is a huge issue. I love her to death, but its something new every 5 minutes. All my ideas for the wedding are stupi, my weddings going to be stupid if we dont do things her way, if my son and fiance get their haircut a certain way they will look horrible and she just wont show up, we were going to have a beach wedding. Sweet, simple, barefoot in the sand on the family beach. Thats what we even put on the damn invitations. But, so-and-so- couldnt come to the beach because of their knees/back/leg/old etc, what happens if it rains, its crab/oyster season the birds will be all over screeching/we cant have chairs in the sand/everyone has to stand for that long oh my god your stupid/ you have to have your dress altered because itll get ruined in the sand/You have to have this and this and this at the reception and do this and this on the day of the wedding, and make sure your here by this time and omg I cant let you marry my precious son... So I changed the damn wedding to the church and now its stupid if we dont have a song played during the ceramony and stare into each others eyes (sorry but I dont want to stand there for 3 damn minutes looking at Bri while everyone looks at me thinking hurry up allready) and so I was an airhead because I said no to that, then she said she was going to have Brians aunt come anyway and make us do it, and she would sing live (heared her sing and not planning on hearing it anytime soon not-2-b rude so I tryed to say no... but she is insisting) then for three days I get shit from her and Brians aunts because we arent planning on walking down the isle to the wedding march... its ' How stupid, people in Arizona sure are ass backwards, this wedding is going to be so stupid Im embarrassed to go...'  Its retarted we arent having a bride side and a groom side... um only two of my arizona people are able to make it, and they are IN the wedding, so esentially my side would have a handfull of friends compared to everyone Brian has in his family and all his friends... thatll make me feel real good! Its something new every damn day!!! Not only am I getting shit from her and her sisters (who I have to see every day because I work for the state taking care of the disabled sister) so I feel beat down constantly... which makes me feel under pressure and strained. So im harder on my fiance and my son... which makes things more tense at home. We are struggling right now with finances, weddings aint cheap, and with summer coming there will have to be summer camp... we have problems in the house, a mold issue in the office which we are trying to have repaired, and testing to make sure Owens not sick from that, Brians cousin Alison the druggie is jelouse that I was given the job to take care of the aunt so she calls my job to tell them im not there when I am and that I dont do what I should be doing, and they call me and tell me what she says and even though they say they know im doing fine it still stresses me out because I cant afford to loose this job. No other place would give me 56 hours a week at the amount that I make. I have to keep my cool with his cousin because she essentially is homeless and is staying with the aunts. Where I work 56 hours a damn week... I really just want to beat her ass. Violent I know, but she keeps pulling shit with them and treating her little girls like shit... I just want to put her in her place one damn time... not only that im still hurting over the fact that MY mother has essentially abandoned me, and it hurts that I wont have a parent there for me on my big day.  Then I thought that day would be about family and Brian is having all of his guy friends up that day of the wedding, and was saying how I would have to get Owen (my son) ready and all this, and I had always envisioned them getting dressed together, and Brian fixing the tie and talking about father/son stuff and how happy he was to be his dad... so im sad that has gone down the drain... There is so, so much more not even worth writing about I guess. The bottom line is I feel overwhelmed and... so very sad and.. alone. Im excited my bestfriend and my cousin (who is essentially like a sister to me) are coming, as they are both very important to me... but i am still sad that I wont have any other family here. Dont get me wrong, I understand why... It just hurts.  Anyways. Sorry for ranting. I just needed to I guess. Hope I can snap out of this soon.

So the past week has sucked. It started off with a upper respiratory infection. Dr prescribed some antibiotics and I was just waiting it out. Well then I started having a really bad pain on my left side, about seven inches from my belly button and an inch under my rib cage. Every time I ate it got worse, like someone was stabbing me. It was killing me and I started getting really nauseated so I called my surgeon. He told me to go to my closest er because it could be some sort of blockage or ulcer. So I ended up going in, and after a 5 hour wait they FINALLY brought me back to see the doctor. Well right away he took me for an x-ray and then had me start to drink stuff for a CT scan of my abdomin. Of course being nauseated and feeling like someone was stabbing me to death every time I took a drink made that stuff extremely difficult to drink. So finally the nurse comes in to draw blood and give me some drugs. I dont typically like taking medications that impair me, but i welcomed those with um,open arms. Lol. So the lady from CT kept trying to push me to drink two of these huge bottles of dye, and it just wasnt working for me. I was gagging, full and in pain and there was no way. So my nurse comes in and was like, um, no, she does NOT have to drink all of that. So they lady took me back and lowand behold the amount I drunk was just fine. They injected my iv with die also and that made me evensicker. The second it hit me I started to throw up. It was horrible. So finally they take me back to the room and I got to sleep a little bit and then the doctor came in to tell me what was going on. He said good news was that I dont have a blockage, but the BAD news is I have quite a few other things going on. His biggest concern at the moment was the huge cyst on my ovary. He said he had never seenone that big before. He said it is over 10 inches, and its pushing all of my insides up into my chest cavity. He said I will have to see a gynecological specialist tohave it surgically removed, if it pops on its own it will be the worst pain ive ever felt. He said in ADDITION to that, I also have a hernia up by my surgical site. This also will have to be surgically repaired. He also believes I have 2 ulcers in my upper intestinal tract which have been causing me pain. So I have to go to my surgeon for all of that.  All of that paired with this horrible cold and I have been miserable. I am extremely weak today, I actually slept untill noon, and its only 2:30 and I feel like going back to bed. Ugggh.

So I got an email from OH this morning saying congrats on getting to my 6 month mark. I could not believe it has already been that long!!! It seems like yesterday that I got approved lol. A part of me is really proud of how far of come. The wii fit says Ive lost 131 pounds so far, but I haven't accepted that yet. Until I get on an official scale I'm not going to. Even if I have lost 131 pounds so far, how come I still feel like its not good enough? Wait, I think I actually may know the answer to that... because I know I'm not putting my all into loosing the weight like I should. I have a few friends (who shall remain nameless but know who they are lmfao) who have had they surgery, and they go to the gym and work their tails off every single day. I am so proud of them, wish I were doing that too, BUT but I don't. I have yet to get that motivation coursing thru my veins. I'm just so damn tired sometimes I don't feel like doing anything. I have started doing the wii fit like I stated above, and am proud that I'm sticking to it. It is pretty much the only exercise that Ive ever stuck to. I also do get on the treadmill, but I get tired out so quickly I get ashamed and down on myself. I am my own worst critic I think, because my brain KNOWS that the more I do it, the longer I will be able to. But then there is the other part of me that feels so damn ashamed of not being able to for a long time, so I end up avoiding it. What a stupid, dumb cycle, but its the truth. I also don't put the focus as much on protein as I should. I have laxed on measuring my protein the way we should, and I am ashamed of this too. I do emphasize protein when I eat, dont get me wrong, I just don't count it or anything like that. I am sure I don't eat enough. One thing I AM proud of is that I am drinking my water and taking my vits like I should. For a while after my surgery I wasn't, and my labs suffered for it. I had low prealbumin and Vit A. I was frequently dehydrated. But finally after forcing myself to adhere, I have made it a part of my daily routine. Now, can someone tell me why I cant seem to do this with my diet and exercise? I know that I choose to have the surgery, and I owe it to myself to be 100 percent invested. Am I the only one who hasn't stuck to it? I doubt it. But, I WANT to. So from this day forward I am going to FORCE myself to be more in tune with my body. Measuring my protein and carbs, and exercising daily. I owe it to myself. Maybe my mood will improve to. Lately I have had frequent mood swings. I can go from happy and joking to pissy and upset like the flip of a switch. I feel bad for the people who have had to endure it! I feel extremely bad about myself lately. People keep telling me how great I look etc, but all I see when I look in the mirror is the access skin, the fat that is still there and my thinning hair. Ive become obsessed with the fact that I THINK you can see my scalp thru my thin hair in some spaces. People say no, but I believe they are just trying to make me feel better. My relationship with my fiance has changed too since the day of the surgery. He flipped out in the hospital, treated me like crap and just hasn't been supportive. He has his good days, but for the most part I don't get any kind of compliments from him anymore, just constant belittling and under-minding. He has told me he thinks when I finish loosing the weight that I'm going to fins someone better. I understand that he is feeling scared, but his acting this way is only pushing me away further you know? I have heard this also isn't uncommon with us post opers. I know it seems like all I am doing is complaining, and that is not my goal. I would do this all over again if I got a do-over. I was so damn proud the other day when I put on 2x clothing and it was hanging off me. 6 months ago I was a snug 5/6X. I have come a long way and I can see that. I definitely think I need to have some sort of counseling. Maybe therapy would help me to discover the root of my emotional eating pre-surgery, and help me to cope with my feelings of worthlessness. Maybe it will help me to see the improvements in myself too, so that I can fully appreciate all that my surgery has done for me. Speaking of the surgery, I still haven't seen my surgeon since my 6 week follow up. The gave me a phone consult for my 3 month follow up, when they told me my labs sucked. I have an appointment next month, but Idk if I'll be able to make it. I'm getting married in May, so I cut my insurance off because Brian's is better, and he'll be able to add me after the wedding. So, we will see. Hopefully I can go, I am curious how my labs are. When I had them taken last time I still hadn't been taking my bits or protein, so they should be good... Hopefully!! Those of you who have continued to read this thru all my whining thank you so much for listening! I hope all of you have a great day and a successful journey!!

Hey all. The last blog I wrote was pretty depressing, so I wanted to updaate that Brian and I are doing much better. I put things on the table, and he knows if it ever gets bad like that again, Im taking Owen and going back to Arizona. We are getting conciling and talking more, and so far so good.  I am starting to feel better, and sometimes it seems like he dosent like that, so instead of me bottling in the hurt or anger I feel over his resentment,  I am pointing it out right then and there, and he is starting to see that that negitive talk is hurtful too.

On a positive note, I cheated and got on the scale today. I wasnt going to for another week, but I had to take Brians aunt to the doctor, and the scale was beconing to me.. So, I said what the heck and got up on it, and I had to keep putting the number down... and ive officially lost 121 pounds. I am so damn proud. I was stuck at 113 pounds lost for almost three weeks, and I was so frustrated... but it looks like im finally back to being a looser, and I couldnt be happier!!!

Jen

Today I got into a huge fight with my fiance, and it exploded to a level we've never reached before. It was scary....

I don't know weather to leave or not. He wasn't the only one in the wrong, I threw alot in his face about him not being my sons biological father and that he has no legal rights to the boy at all. I even told him I was leaving at one point, because I knew it would make him upset... I was in the wrong there. But him screaming at me, belittling me and telling my son he dosent have to listen to me, and throwing things and punching things... all those things are uncalled for too, right? I was scared and so was Owen. At one point he even grabbed my son and said he was leaving with him, and Owen was saying it hurt, and Brian was so far gone that it didn't even register that he was hurting the kid. So I lied and said I called the cops and he needed to put Owen down, and so he did and I took Owen in his room and we laid in the bed cuddled up together until Bri left for work. Now I have stuff to pick up all over the house that he threw because he was mad... and I don't know what I should do, or how to feel. A few months ago I would be drowning my feelings in a tub of Ben and Jerry's. But now I have to sit here and think. And I don't know how to sort my feelings out. I think alot of this has to do with me loosing weight. I'm still fat, but alot thinner than when Bri and I got together. I was exercising when the fight started, because he wanted me to stop and play cards with him. But I didn't want to just stop. I am at a stall right now, and trying to work thru that, and if I stop my exercises, I may never start again... I know I have had an attitude today, so I probably instigated it. My kids been sick with an ear infection the last few days, and Ive been up all night taking care of him. I'm tired and bitchy excuse my language. So I'm sure I deserved Brains attitude, but why did he have to get violent? I don't believe that ever, EVER has to be the way things should be handled... he is supposed to be a role model to Owen, and how is that showing him how a man is supposed to act?

I'm in such a confusing spot today, and I'm sitting here with Owen, watching Kung Fu Panda, and I'm on the verge of tears, and angry, and hurt and all those things... Bri and I are supposed to get married on May 23rd... and I just don't know which way to turn.

Sorry for venting.

Jen

So I'm sitting here on this cold miserable winter day, and just felt like writing. (typing as it were lol) I was thinking about how far ive come since my surgery, and how far I have to go... and i'm feeling kind of down. I have officially lost over a hundred pounds, and I am so, so darn happy about that. But then I start thinking about how much more weight I have to loose. And I am so scared that I am going to fail. I have so many people in my like that are watching.. and some of them i'm sure are expecting, maybe even hoping, that I don't make it. Im trying so hard, and... well I'm terrified that this is as far as I'll go. I'm only four months out, so I know that I have a long way ahead of me, and the journey is scary... I feel every day that I'm not making the right choices.. and I feel guilty every time I eat. I'm not exercising like I should, and its always one excuse after the other. We got a treadmill, and got out of breath so fast and my heart was beating like no tomorrow... and that's the way it should be. But for some reason it scared me! It made me see myself for what I had let myself become, an overweight, out of shape frumpy woman. And it saddens me. I don't know what to do to motivate myself to get up and break a sweat every day. And its sad because I HAVE come so far. I know that I am self sabotaging myself in a way, because I know that these first six months are really the most important, when the loosing is the greatest. And I have such a huge amount to loose. Sometimes I feel so alone in this. My fiance is overweight as well, and he will have moments where he will work out and focus on his health, and its great, but within a few days he slips back into old habits, and once again I'm alone and frustrated and un-motivated. I'm not trying to blame it on him of coarse. I'm a grown woman, and responsible for myself. I just feel so alone that I get down at time. I wouldn't say I'm depressed... just have the blues. I'm starting to doubt myself. If anyone has any comments or anything please feel free. Thanks for listening to my rant!!

So I got a letter from my surgeon saying they got my 3 month labs back. Apparently I am extremley low on Vits K and prealbumin. My vit k level is 13, and my prealbumin is 9. So I looked them up online, and it all is starting to make since. Ive been suffering from severe itching, sometimes I cant stop scratching, and night blindness. Those are all indicators to the low Vit k. Then, I passed out at work last week, my hair is falling out in clumps, and Ive been confused at times. All indicators of prealbumin problems. So, that makes me wonder why my doctors didnt test me sooner, considering I have had all the symptoms, and have been suffering from these symptoms. I mean, sure they are not life threatening, but shouldnt they have been on the look out? Anyways I atleast would have thought they would have called me to discuss the results, instead of send me a letter.. Also, they cancelled my three month follow up and said theyd consult over the phone, but its been two weeks and ive left several messages.. I am just feeling really abandoned by my surgical team... Anyways on a positive note, I got on the scale today and ive officially lost 102.3 poounds. Whoo whooo!! I am proud of that... and it wont even be my four month surgiversary for two more weeks.  Anyways I just needed to vent a bit and see if anyone has gone thru this. Thanks guys!
Jen